Saturday night, the Lovefraud reader “rriinnaa” posted the following under Heeding the Exploiter’s Earliest Warning:
I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won’t be again ”¦. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children ”¦ all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ”¦.. “I would die for you Rina—¦. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life—¦ “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my god AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME”¦ I believed him .. he hated me because I was strong and he did everything in his power to crush that.. he didnt have that sense of fun, that wacky sense of humour, that friendliness that everyone fell in love with THAT WAS ME, THAT WAS THE GIRL HE MET”¦. and I have lost that girl i once was.. i want it back, i want to live and laugh and be happy .. he has turned me into his apprentice monster ”¦ oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELL ME THERE IS KARMA.. TELL ME HE WILL HURT ONE DAY PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE FEELS .. yeah right ”¦”¦”¦I still can’t get it in my head THAT HE IS A SICK SOCIOPATH.. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT THING ! IM GOING CRAZY .. i cant get my head around it .. i saw a psychologist.. it was the worst thing i could have done last week ..IS THERE A GROUP MEETING WHERE I CAN TALK TO REAL PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE ABOUT THIS MONSTER ????? can someone guide me to somewhere, someone that understands what I am going through ????????????????????
i am sorry”¦ i am ranting”¦. maybe i have finally gone over the edge ? nooooooo NO NO .. i never will. I will find the strength.. .again .. im up and down and my kids are suffering.. as much as I try to hide it ”¦”¦. they feel it, they see it and I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME I HATE HIM ..
I remember feeling like this. In fact, when I read Rina’s message, I got that old tightening in my chest, that inability to breathe, that constantly-on-the-verge-of-tears feeling again.
I remember the rage, the hatred, the utter despair.
They’re normal reactions to the betrayal of a sociopath.
Why it’s so bad
We’ve all had romantic relationships end before. Why the end of a relationship with a sociopath so much worse?
First of all, the scale of the deception is beyond what most of us have ever experienced. These people don’t just lie about where they were last night. Their entire lives are lies—everything they ever did, every human relationship they ever had. In my case, as I started to unravel what was really going on, each day brought another fabrication, another betrayal. Recently, nine years after I left my sociopathic ex-husband, I discovered yet another lie. It never ends.
Then, the degree to which we were used is unbelievable. My ex-husband wanted a place to live, reliable sex and someone to finance his dreams of grandeur. All his love notes, his little gifts, and his forever promises, were designed to make me provide those things. It worked. Then, two and a half years later when I was used up, he moved on.
But perhaps the biggest reason why it’s so bad is because sociopaths steal our dreams and use them against us. In those heady early days of the relationship, as the sociopaths listen intently, we’re spilling our guts, telling them what we really want, what is really important to us, what we want out of life. We think they’re listening because they truly want everything that we want. In reality, they’re listening to discover the deepest places within us where they can set their hooks.
Sooner or later, it all collapses.
At that point, we lose our trust—trust in other people, trust in ourselves, trust if life itself. And as Karin Huffer writes in the Legal Abuse Syndrome, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
Dealing with the pain
We’re left with the emotional wreckage—along with very real problems like physical illness and injury, financial devastation, caring for children and legal issues. And all of it was caused by someone who supposedly loved us. What do we do?
The only way out of the pain is through it.
People often call and ask me how to cope. I suggest that you hold yourself together while dealing with the practical, financial and legal issues. Somehow, you have to keep your emotions in check so you can think and make decisions.
But after those concerns are handled, and you are alone, let it rip. Allow yourself to cry, yell and curse. Get physical—stomp your feet or twist towels. My personal favorite was envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow, and punching the crap out of it. (For more information, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.)
Why do we need to do this? Because emotions are physical. They are not intellectual concepts that will dissipate upon discussion. They are physical sensations, and must be dealt with physically. The tears, yelling and punching are the means by which the emotional pain is drained from the body.
What you’ll find is that there are layers and layers of pain—you’ll release some, and more will rise to the surface. So you do the exercise again. And again. And again.
Older, deeper pains
Then what you’ll find is that older pains—injuries not inflicted by the sociopath—will also rise to the surface. Perhaps they were injuries from your family of origin, or other relationships, or profound disappointments in your life.
When you find these pains, you have struck gold. These are the pains that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. They too, must be released. When they are no longer buried within you, you will be able to move into a new life of peace, contentment and happiness.
It’s hard to believe this when you are in the midst of the trauma. But it is true—you can pass through the pain and come out the other side. The process is not pretty. A therapist, if you can find one who gets it, may be able to guide you, but you alone must do the work. And it will take time.
Many of us on Lovefraud have talked about how we’ve become stronger, wiser individuals after our run-ins with the sociopaths. This is how it happens. We persevere through the pain, and then we are set free.
wantomoveon….
I went thru those EXACT feelings a few days ago. I posted about it as well.
We are almost addicted to the vicious cycle …as unhealthy as it is we still want them to want us …is it that we are still hoping that what we have found out about them isnt true? perhaps we are just mistaken? or is it that we still want to hold on to the idea of what we thought we had? maybe we think that we can still get answers from them? there are so many possibilities but i think it is the feeling of after all we have done for them how can they reject US!!!?? well, i know now that we will never get the answers because these people just arent capable of truth, true feelings and normalacy.
if you were to talk to that S you would most likely not even really like talking to him…because youve found him out …and he knows it ..he knows you are not as vulnerable to his crap!
trust me on that one..cuz as soon as i discovered my ex wasnt who he was and started to share with him all the things and confront him about his lies ..he shut me down. told me to leave him alone!!! insane! he went from me being his soul mate ..love at first site…angel sent from heaven ..all the love in the world ..blah blah blah…to leave him alone? see what they are about? they know who and when to target and should you become wise to them and uncover their secrets then weve taken ourselves outa the game really. THANK GOD!
it has only been two weeks today that i confronted him …found out about his other life and that he is a s…
i am doing alot better..and ive gotten so much of the support and strength from coming on here several times a day to remind myself that i narrowly escaped a life of sure pure hell.
dont be mad at your daughter…remember you were sucked into his lies and it took you some time and still taking you time to process it all.
🙂
oh..and another thing! they do come back eventually…mine hadnt contacted me in two days when i had posted how i felt about that and everyone was saying he will re surface…well…sure enought…the other day he started sending flurries of texts and telling me he was sorry and loved me etc…like nothing really happened…as if it were just a small disagreement that he had been seeing someone else…trying to get money outa me as he is getting on the plane…making plans to move in with her this month as was doing with me…pressuring me to marry him and calling her his fiance.
he devasted her and me…shes closed the door on him from what i hear and we are both winners for letting go of him …
you will hear from him..im sure of it.
fahrahri — I think you have an answer. I have known he is a sociopath for about 10 years but till coming to this site last week I didn’t realise how dangerous it was and how so many others are in same or worse situations. I have told him even when he was in the house that he is a sociopath and used to email him the definition. I bet for him it’s a WASTE of is time to come to me as he knows I am not giving in to his manipulation and poor me games. I remember after the divorce few times he called and manipulated in helping me (he would call and call persistently until you just want to get him off so you do what he wanted.). He needed help with AAA and wanted me to drive about 300 miles so he can use my AAA to tow his car. I refused to do that but added S to my membership as HOW COULD I LET HIM SUFFER, I LOVE THIS GUY :(. He oversused the card and when I got the overage charges he refused to pay for them. He tried to use me for few things but continued to make my hell in the court and as the site says, he was able to find a lawyer just like him which made it really difficult. When he contacted to help me I started thinking he will be decent and may be we can stop wasting money in the court. When I mentioned about trying to stop the games and work through the divorce he told me what I was doing to help him was different and court stuff is different. That showed me how selfish he really was. After that I wouldn’t help him at all so I think that may be it that he knows he can’t manipulate me anymore so why waste time if he is not getting anything from me. I think kids are being used now as he knows they are my weak points so if he does things to them he will get a reaction. Thanks — it’s funny how simple things connect dots for us.
pollyannanomore — I agree with you. I know if he was back in the house my life will be hell. I think I want him to contact me so I can reject him and give some payback for all the pain this S has caused. I remember having hardest time filing a DV charge against him after so much abuse and hell he was putting me through once I filed for divorce. He never expected me to file so his way was to refuse to leave the house and harrass me enough to push me out of the house or drive me insane. I remember took me over an hour with officers explaining the best thing for me as they had known what had gone on for so long and they had been to house many times. I was so amazed that these officers had known this guy was trouble. Apparently through different incidents most of them had talked about my S and some of them would joke with me about how they wanted to be able to sit around and play golf everyday :). I remember visioning that day that if I didn’t file the charges and felt sorry for him one more time, he would have done something and found a way to get back to me where I would have lost my kids and thrown out of the house. I am so thankful today that I found some strenght that day and officers were smart to work with me and give me time to do the right thing.
I hope this clarity gets me back into gear and not give this spath more of my energy…
BINGO wantomoveon:
i wanted the same…i even told my girlfriends i wanted to be able to get revenge at first by getting him to want me back so that i could turn around and reject him now..and then thank goodness my crazy moment of that went very quickly and thats not me and it isnt good karma and i would then be stooping to his level of games…we do much better by walking away and knowing it could have been much worse.. we are the winners in all this …maybe we dont feel like it at times …but i know for a fact that if i would have allowed him to move in with me i would have had a hard and expensive road ahead of me…
when he visited me over the summer he was supposed to have been here just a couple weeks …well that turned into 3 long drama filled months…he “developed” a 3 to 4 large bottle a nite of wine…(somehow…i dont think he just developed that..he just hid that from me since he was long distance) …and i honestly had to throw him out…and i thought i was done at that time..couldnt WAIT to wash all my bedding etc…just to get his scent outa my house…
but..as you can guess..he played the sympathy card on me and i couldnt dare dump someone who was trying to work on themselves and who am i to be mean and walk away when he needed me…so there it goes …all over the craziness started again…and then he was keeping another secret from me ..the other woman…yikes! i feel blessed and thank god every minute that i was so lucky to find out rather quickly that this is who and what he is all about..
🙂
I love it when we say BINGO!
fahrahri — I want to get to that point of no revenge. Unfortunately I am having to support the spath so have to deal with paying him every month and there are few more property issues still outstanding in the courts, so I end up thinking of things having to deal with him. Anger over losing all my money and having to start all over and support teenagers and him and lawyer cost so it gets so overwhelming specially when I am not doing well financially in this economy to top it off. Also his manipulation of the older child on the social networks that he is a great dad to catch his next victim. Obviously he does’t say how he abused her and how he still finds excuses to not give her any money even for school so I know these people love him as he does have an excellent gift of gab. BTW — Social networks like FB and Twiter I believe are the best places for these psychos to catch their next victim. Chram them by saying nice things and then move into next steps. I wouldn’t wish this spath on my worse enemy and I worry about the next person. He is all about money and when I think of all the control and abuse over the years that I couldn’t make sense of I can’t even breath ( I always questioned what’s with him and used to say that I would donate his brain to science to analyze as he just made nosense to me, till this site). My next challange is which is even harder is helping my daughter see the truth as she doesn;t see the hurt he is going to cause her once again by her falling for his games and sweet talking to her. She thinks she knows him and can handle him. She also lies to me about seeing him evnthough I am the one who has always been there for her and provide all the support for her.
Wantomoveon>>>
You will get there trust that ….i can only imagine you having to SUPPORT him etc…and the fact that you have children..luckily i dont…but for you …i am so sorry….
i lost alittle money but will consider it a worth while investment on my future…i was lucky enough to have that within me and limits on men who should ever ask for money…was a huge turnoff..and my ex hubby actually warned me when we got a divorce that to be careful of men wanting you to support them…even tho i see my ex as one of the same that we all talk about here..he was and is my go to person for advise on financials..that i was always able to trust with him and we are friends again and he tried to warn me about this most recent ex….im so sorry that youve had to deal with this pathetic excuse for a human..and the children have to learn on their own…and all you can do now is give your advise and then let it all unfold…they will see ..as my daughters saw thru my recent ex…they are very smart …but the denial can be stronger…and you love them and it will take their own discovering to finally get it …
you cant help her really for what she will most likely have to figure out for herself as we all do…just be there without passing judgement on her ..cause she will be where you are and we arent stupid..we are human with real feelings and we arent programmed to deal with all this dishonesty..but oh how we learn..
keep us posted!!!
onestep~!!! yes …BINGO is the ah ah moments ..i love it!!
That’s a normal reaction to want them to want us back so we can reject them. I got past that period a long time ago when I realised the only thing he would want me back for was more using = more money and more attention paid on him from me. I don’t have time for that in my life now and am done with him using me at will. And when I want him (which still happens from time to time but less so now) I don’t want the him that is real – I want the illusory him t hat said all the right things in the beginning … and then I remember that person isn’t real so there’s no point. Another aspect of wanting to get them back and then dump them is wanting revenge – wanting them to hurt as we have and are … the truth is that is just not possible. They don’t have emotions like we do so there is nothing to hurt and inviting them back into our lives would only hurt us in the end. So less and less wanting from me.
Sure there is hurt and pain and grief and shame about the whole situation, but I know absolutely I made the right decision to get out. It would never have improved or gotten any better. I was deluding myself ever hoping it could. I am real about the whole thing now – he never loved me and never could love me – the whole thing was a sham and I lost ten yrs of my life to him. Signing the divorce papers will be the happiest day of my life! The wedding day was the start of the worst and saddest periods of my life – what lies and betrayal he perpetrated against me.
You’ll have lots more BIngo moments as you keep reading and memories start to arise. Then once you’ve had lots, you go inside yourself and a brief period of depression hits. Then after that you find some strength and are quietly resigned to what is – you go back and forth in grief and anger and acceptance during this period. FInding out what they are is both relief and profound shock – it’s a slow journey, but you’re well on the way now and hopefully for you there will be no going back. Unbelievably some people give them another try even when they know what they are and know there is no hope. Just keep stepping forward and away from him and you will be fine.
I agree….I think we are looking to control them….and boof our ego at the same time…..we reject them.
Dont take his actions personally…..don’t take them at all!
Also, you know the game….and rest assured…you daughter WILL figure it all out on HER time…..this is the unfortunate thing we must endure….
I was fortunate (in a way) that my kids figured him out and encouraged me to boot him……so I never had the custody fight, they just wanted NOTHING to do with him.
I believe all kids want and have a need to KNOW their parents…..and the more you can ‘remove’ yourself from your daughters relationship with her father…….the quicker she will find out and see the inconsistencies herself….this is the ONLY way to go.
It’s brutal and painful in the meantime, because YOU KNOW how and what he is doing……but just continue to support your daughter…….
Don’t beat yourself up…….he’s NOT and NEVER will be whooping it up……only appearing to.
remember…..its all about a facade!….and Appearance, an act…….
The good thing here……YOUR THE ONE LIVING……
Remain strong!!!
XXOO
EB