Saturday night, the Lovefraud reader “rriinnaa” posted the following under Heeding the Exploiter’s Earliest Warning:
I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won’t be again ”¦. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children ”¦ all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ”¦.. “I would die for you Rina—¦. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life—¦ “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my god AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME”¦ I believed him .. he hated me because I was strong and he did everything in his power to crush that.. he didnt have that sense of fun, that wacky sense of humour, that friendliness that everyone fell in love with THAT WAS ME, THAT WAS THE GIRL HE MET”¦. and I have lost that girl i once was.. i want it back, i want to live and laugh and be happy .. he has turned me into his apprentice monster ”¦ oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELL ME THERE IS KARMA.. TELL ME HE WILL HURT ONE DAY PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE FEELS .. yeah right ”¦”¦”¦I still can’t get it in my head THAT HE IS A SICK SOCIOPATH.. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT THING ! IM GOING CRAZY .. i cant get my head around it .. i saw a psychologist.. it was the worst thing i could have done last week ..IS THERE A GROUP MEETING WHERE I CAN TALK TO REAL PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE ABOUT THIS MONSTER ????? can someone guide me to somewhere, someone that understands what I am going through ????????????????????
i am sorry”¦ i am ranting”¦. maybe i have finally gone over the edge ? nooooooo NO NO .. i never will. I will find the strength.. .again .. im up and down and my kids are suffering.. as much as I try to hide it ”¦”¦. they feel it, they see it and I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME I HATE HIM ..
I remember feeling like this. In fact, when I read Rina’s message, I got that old tightening in my chest, that inability to breathe, that constantly-on-the-verge-of-tears feeling again.
I remember the rage, the hatred, the utter despair.
They’re normal reactions to the betrayal of a sociopath.
Why it’s so bad
We’ve all had romantic relationships end before. Why the end of a relationship with a sociopath so much worse?
First of all, the scale of the deception is beyond what most of us have ever experienced. These people don’t just lie about where they were last night. Their entire lives are lies—everything they ever did, every human relationship they ever had. In my case, as I started to unravel what was really going on, each day brought another fabrication, another betrayal. Recently, nine years after I left my sociopathic ex-husband, I discovered yet another lie. It never ends.
Then, the degree to which we were used is unbelievable. My ex-husband wanted a place to live, reliable sex and someone to finance his dreams of grandeur. All his love notes, his little gifts, and his forever promises, were designed to make me provide those things. It worked. Then, two and a half years later when I was used up, he moved on.
But perhaps the biggest reason why it’s so bad is because sociopaths steal our dreams and use them against us. In those heady early days of the relationship, as the sociopaths listen intently, we’re spilling our guts, telling them what we really want, what is really important to us, what we want out of life. We think they’re listening because they truly want everything that we want. In reality, they’re listening to discover the deepest places within us where they can set their hooks.
Sooner or later, it all collapses.
At that point, we lose our trust—trust in other people, trust in ourselves, trust if life itself. And as Karin Huffer writes in the Legal Abuse Syndrome, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
Dealing with the pain
We’re left with the emotional wreckage—along with very real problems like physical illness and injury, financial devastation, caring for children and legal issues. And all of it was caused by someone who supposedly loved us. What do we do?
The only way out of the pain is through it.
People often call and ask me how to cope. I suggest that you hold yourself together while dealing with the practical, financial and legal issues. Somehow, you have to keep your emotions in check so you can think and make decisions.
But after those concerns are handled, and you are alone, let it rip. Allow yourself to cry, yell and curse. Get physical—stomp your feet or twist towels. My personal favorite was envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow, and punching the crap out of it. (For more information, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.)
Why do we need to do this? Because emotions are physical. They are not intellectual concepts that will dissipate upon discussion. They are physical sensations, and must be dealt with physically. The tears, yelling and punching are the means by which the emotional pain is drained from the body.
What you’ll find is that there are layers and layers of pain—you’ll release some, and more will rise to the surface. So you do the exercise again. And again. And again.
Older, deeper pains
Then what you’ll find is that older pains—injuries not inflicted by the sociopath—will also rise to the surface. Perhaps they were injuries from your family of origin, or other relationships, or profound disappointments in your life.
When you find these pains, you have struck gold. These are the pains that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. They too, must be released. When they are no longer buried within you, you will be able to move into a new life of peace, contentment and happiness.
It’s hard to believe this when you are in the midst of the trauma. But it is true—you can pass through the pain and come out the other side. The process is not pretty. A therapist, if you can find one who gets it, may be able to guide you, but you alone must do the work. And it will take time.
Many of us on Lovefraud have talked about how we’ve become stronger, wiser individuals after our run-ins with the sociopaths. This is how it happens. We persevere through the pain, and then we are set free.
That last paragraph has meaning for me Erin – he is creating the facade of a fabulous partying life while I cope with the fallout of the relationship and all the associated responsibilities. I need to remind myself that there is no substance there – he is fake and so is his life. He surrounds himself with people who don’t see the real person and promotes his sarcastic fast talking witty and glib charm. It’s all false. I wonder if any of them ever wonder what it would be like to live with someone like that all the time – sure it’s fun at the bar for a couple of hours once in a blue moon, but have any of them considered that the sarcasm and fast put downs just don’t stop? I wonder from time to time if I outed him to them as an abuser if any of them would stop to consider it in light of this persona he presents. I suspect most of them would be won over by his ‘I tried so hard’ facade and would discredit me immediately. People don’t like to think the abuser could be the person they socialise with do they? They don’t like to think it could be the person sitting next to them or their colleague. And people are still slow to believe that abuse happens in all class levels – there is still the stereotype that it just occurs in lower class households.
It is nonetheless brutal and painful – you’re right there. It hurts like hell to think he is bad mouthing me to other people who have no idea of the truth and he comes off as the good guy after all those years of abuse. It sucks. I wish abusers had an abuse activated forehead tattoo that alerted the rest of the public to their true persona. It doesn’t activate till a certain amount of abuse has been directed at others, but once it is active, it doesn’t go away. His should say something like
“Don’t trust a word I say – I can’t help but lie – it’s like breathing to me.”
OR
“I may look like a nice guy but I abuse women because I hate them and I can get away with it because nobody believes them.”
OR
“You wouldn’t believe how bad I treated my last wife – she’s lucky she didn’t end up dead or in a psych ward”
THEN perhaps we would have some chance at justice. I think it is the injustice that sticks in my throat. I can accept he will never feel the pain he put me through and will never accept what he did as legitimate or feel remorse or shame, but it is hard to accept that he walks away scot free with no consequences to himself for what he did. That’s tough. There should be laws against emotional and psychological abuse with financial penalties for abusing others. Or jail time. Just like physical abuse there should be consequences. Society doesn’t take this seriously enough – well the justice system certainly doesn’t so these guys get away with everything. There should be laws against stonewalling – I don’t suggest that people will agree in every matter, but there should be open discussion – not blocking of discussion.
Just my rant for tonight! Making the world a better place if only in my head lol
pollyannanomore
Wow.. That is exactly how I feel. As I was reading this I thought it was something I wrote. I have some people who have known both of us over the years who say they had him figured out based on his inconsistent stories and how he never lost anything but always winning. I am not sure if people who have only known him have figured him out. I wonder the same things as don’t people what this guy does for a living and how he manages to live such a flashy lifestyle? But I think most people only look at the entertainment value and enjoy that side of them and not get too concerned unless they get personally hit in someways. I know my spath even buys people drinks and spends money on them and few women he has tried to score with , he has taken themt to fancy restaurants so they propbably can’t figure out his reality of living on debt as no nomal human being would spend money on others if they dont’ have it. Only Spath would to charam / Con people so they don’t figure him out. the most hurt for me is kids and how he spends on others but can’t for his kids. He also has no shame in telling them that he doesn’t have that kind of money and kids see him live these flashy life so really hard for them. He didn’t even pay for education money that was really needed and I had to borrow to pay her education as he had cleaned me out completely.
It makes me sick Want – it just turns my stomach to see people fawning all over him – “Oh you’re so funny” No he isn’t – he’s an abuser and you are merely his new form of supply – leave him alone and see how he does. I so want to expose him – there is just no justice in this. I come out looking like a crazy bitch while he comes out looking like Mr Clean. I mean why would anyone not appreciate MR Wonderful? Why would I give him such a hard time and abuse him? I must be a controlling bitch. Oh it just makes my blood boil.
And saying ‘accept it and move on’ doesn’t get rid of this feeling. Nor do I feel better when people say ‘well at least he’s out of your life’ – I want revenge. I dream about it. Of exposing him for what he truly is in front of other people. I’d like to put up a big billboard with his face on it and details of all the crap he did to me. I have to do something with all this. It isn’t going away.
pollyannanomore:
There are those on this site who will tell you that under no circumstances should you go for revenge. I’m of a slightly different school of thought — I advocate it if and that is a big IF — you can keep your fingerprints off of it and it isn’t traceable back to you.
In my case my S-ex had 15 creditor default judgments against him. Prior to his being sent to prison (I met him 3 weeks after he was released) he had never worked on the books. And when I drove him off, the one bit of leverage I had over him — the fact that he was now paid on the books, I used to the fullest. I notified every judgment creditor — one every 30 days — of where he lived, where he worked, what the name of his boss was since, after all, they might want to garnish his wages to satisfy their judgments. I talked to a couple of them and you better believe they did. His salary will be attached from now ’til kingdom come. I have laughed my ass off.
Another former blogger got her’s exposed on a website devoted to exposing imposters under the stolen valor act — fake POWs, Navy Seals, etc. Again, a third party investigated his story, realized he was a fraud, and did the dirty work for her.
But, if he will figure out that you’re behind it — don’t. The headaches aren’t worth it.
Bottom line? Put on your thinking cap and decide if you can blow his cover without blowing your cover. Because one thing I can say — revenge was very, very satisfying in my case.
Matt thanks for that … I have two things over him but both could come back to bite me in the ass. I wrote essays for him as ‘notes’ and told him to rewrite them and add his own quotes – he of course submitted exactly what I wrote. So in this instance it is definitely traceable and it would probably get me into trouble too.
The other issue is unpaid taxes but again because we were married I could be jointly liable and it is definitely traceable to me. I will just have to keep thinking – he hasn;t made that many mistakes to track considering the chaos he leads his life in. I definitely do want revenge – I want to expose what he is but his circle of admirers are lapping up the same crap stories I did and wouldn’t believe me. He altered me through the abuse so I was always on edge – people didn;t click with me back then so that goes against me. They would just think me the bitch scorned making up stories.
It is so unfair, there is no consequence at all for him. Had he hit me I could put him in jail but there is no penalty for murdering someone’s soul. I am finding it hard at the moment – I just want to spit tacks at him.
Thanks for the advice though = nice to know someone understands this feeling. I was doing well for a while there and now knowing he;s having a great time is just tearing me up inside.
pollyannanomore:
As you get your life back and back on track that feeling that he has moved on without so much as a backward glance does fade.
After I drove S off I did strike back one time where he knew it was me. I had lent S money. He had no intention of repaying that money. So, I filed a 1099-c (cancellation of debt) S doesn’t enter my thoughts all that much anymore. When he does pop into my thoughts, I am pretty sure that he’ll end up back in prison. He will never dig himself out of the financial hole he’s in. His career options are pretty limited based on his record. He will be living in a bedbug ridden rat-trap — at least until he re-enters the iron bar hotel. So, while in his mind he “won”, the actual facts present quite another picture.
Dear Polly,
Wanting revenge for damage and injury done to you by someone is NORMAL, and natural…however, even that lust for revenge and the continuial anger and bitterness, will eventually turn TOXIC to YOU.
As much as I would have liked to have gotten “justice’ much less revenge, getting that bitterness out of my heart helped me more than you can imagine. I can STILL stoke that fire of vengeful feelings if I stir it or feed it fuel, but WHY? My hate, my desire to injure him/them only makes me feel badly, it doesn’t hurt him/them at all.
By letting those emotions calm down like a fire that has not been fed more fuel or stirred up, it dampens down, go to coals and eventually goes out and leaves cold ashes that are not going to burn ME. It doesn’t mean I approve of what they did or that I give them a pass for their bad actions, only that I don’t let it EAT ME ALIVE FROM INSIDE.
And I have noticed as I have gotten practice at this “letting it die down” of its own accord with time, I don’t “forget” what they did, I just don’t dwell on it, stoke the “fire” or have hate filling my soul. It gets easier with practice. I am more able to turn loose more easily of the toxic emotions. (((hugs))))
Well Matt thankyou – I do think of that from time to time – he has no house, no car of his own and no assetts at all. I am keeping everything and as he gets older that will appear quite weird to people the fact he has nothing. I do try to console myself with that.
Oxy I know you are right – I have been fuming about it. And it needs to find an outlet so I have started writing about it and getting all the fantasies out. I am also thinking of a physical endeavour – smashing tiles with a hammer to create mosaic – it soothes me and is a nice metaphor I think – making something beautiful out of the smashed remnants most people discard.
Thankyou both so much for your caring – this has been a hard couple of days – I thought the healing process was going too smoothly! One step forward today and hopefully another forward tomorrow. I am blessed – I am going to meet a new female friend for coffee today and later will bath the dogs and do some gardening. I don’t want my heart to get twisted and bitter about this – so I just need to find a way of expressing it. Logically exposing him or tripping him up in revenge isn’t an option so I have to look for another outlet.
Thankyou again – it means so much to me to know that people understand and care about what I am going through. I’ll be ok and then I will come back and support others whent hey hit this particular roadblock – maybe that’s why it has come up – to intensify my understanding of this healing dynamic. I was always interested in self development and getting to know the self (not in a selfish way if that makes sense!) so I guess I really got what I wanted – this journey has been the biggest mind f*** and the biggest trip into self knowing – authentic in all it’s beautiful and dark honesty.
Much love to you both – I feel better now 🙂
hi pollyannanomore.
glad you feel better. the need for revenge does die down but it will pop up every once in a while when you are dealing with the little residue of crap they left behind. Sometimes it’s the bills and other times it’s the emotional slime. (I have trouble trusting and feel constantly ill at ease second-guessing people’s motives).
This is one of those situations where learning and understanding the personality profile of the S, helps quench the need for revenge. Once you understand how they think and why they are the way they are, you realize that nothing you could do to them is as horrific as what they’ve done to themselves. No need for revenge.
Think of the story of Lucifer being cast out of heaven. He was a bright shining angel who envied God’s power and authority. He didn’t want to be like God, he wanted to BE God. (An Oedipus syndrome?) In the end, he preferred to rule in hell rather than serve in heaven – just like a sociopath they choose their own hell. Even if you don’t believe in God, the analogy works the same.
Hi Skylar – nice to see you again!
Yes I understand that they are a mess inside and don’t go through normal human emotions, but that’s just the rub. He should feel enormous guilt and shame for how he destroyed me and how he treated me. He should feel shame at his second failed marriage…
But of course because he’s a psychopath he doesn’t feel anything but mild irritation that I see through him and got away. It is unfair on so many levels and I guess that is my point. He walks away projecting everything onto me – all the blame for the end of the relationship when that blame rightly belongs with him. I want to see something happen to him – for him to lose things and hurt as I have but I know at the same time that is unlikely to happen and even if he did lose everything including his reputation it wouldn’t hurt him like a normal person so there’s really no point in wishing them harm is there? They are untouchable and bulletproof.
I do believe in God but this has shaken my faith considerably. I can relate to your difficulty in trusting people and being ill at ease – I was like that through the relationship too as I carried so much shame for everything going wrong – it’s a real mind bender!It’s just a stinky situation but I will have to find a way to live with it I guess.