Saturday night, the Lovefraud reader “rriinnaa” posted the following under Heeding the Exploiter’s Earliest Warning:
I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won’t be again ”¦. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children ”¦ all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ”¦.. “I would die for you Rina—¦. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life—¦ “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my god AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME”¦ I believed him .. he hated me because I was strong and he did everything in his power to crush that.. he didnt have that sense of fun, that wacky sense of humour, that friendliness that everyone fell in love with THAT WAS ME, THAT WAS THE GIRL HE MET”¦. and I have lost that girl i once was.. i want it back, i want to live and laugh and be happy .. he has turned me into his apprentice monster ”¦ oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELL ME THERE IS KARMA.. TELL ME HE WILL HURT ONE DAY PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE FEELS .. yeah right ”¦”¦”¦I still can’t get it in my head THAT HE IS A SICK SOCIOPATH.. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT THING ! IM GOING CRAZY .. i cant get my head around it .. i saw a psychologist.. it was the worst thing i could have done last week ..IS THERE A GROUP MEETING WHERE I CAN TALK TO REAL PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE ABOUT THIS MONSTER ????? can someone guide me to somewhere, someone that understands what I am going through ????????????????????
i am sorry”¦ i am ranting”¦. maybe i have finally gone over the edge ? nooooooo NO NO .. i never will. I will find the strength.. .again .. im up and down and my kids are suffering.. as much as I try to hide it ”¦”¦. they feel it, they see it and I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME I HATE HIM ..
I remember feeling like this. In fact, when I read Rina’s message, I got that old tightening in my chest, that inability to breathe, that constantly-on-the-verge-of-tears feeling again.
I remember the rage, the hatred, the utter despair.
They’re normal reactions to the betrayal of a sociopath.
Why it’s so bad
We’ve all had romantic relationships end before. Why the end of a relationship with a sociopath so much worse?
First of all, the scale of the deception is beyond what most of us have ever experienced. These people don’t just lie about where they were last night. Their entire lives are lies—everything they ever did, every human relationship they ever had. In my case, as I started to unravel what was really going on, each day brought another fabrication, another betrayal. Recently, nine years after I left my sociopathic ex-husband, I discovered yet another lie. It never ends.
Then, the degree to which we were used is unbelievable. My ex-husband wanted a place to live, reliable sex and someone to finance his dreams of grandeur. All his love notes, his little gifts, and his forever promises, were designed to make me provide those things. It worked. Then, two and a half years later when I was used up, he moved on.
But perhaps the biggest reason why it’s so bad is because sociopaths steal our dreams and use them against us. In those heady early days of the relationship, as the sociopaths listen intently, we’re spilling our guts, telling them what we really want, what is really important to us, what we want out of life. We think they’re listening because they truly want everything that we want. In reality, they’re listening to discover the deepest places within us where they can set their hooks.
Sooner or later, it all collapses.
At that point, we lose our trust—trust in other people, trust in ourselves, trust if life itself. And as Karin Huffer writes in the Legal Abuse Syndrome, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
Dealing with the pain
We’re left with the emotional wreckage—along with very real problems like physical illness and injury, financial devastation, caring for children and legal issues. And all of it was caused by someone who supposedly loved us. What do we do?
The only way out of the pain is through it.
People often call and ask me how to cope. I suggest that you hold yourself together while dealing with the practical, financial and legal issues. Somehow, you have to keep your emotions in check so you can think and make decisions.
But after those concerns are handled, and you are alone, let it rip. Allow yourself to cry, yell and curse. Get physical—stomp your feet or twist towels. My personal favorite was envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow, and punching the crap out of it. (For more information, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.)
Why do we need to do this? Because emotions are physical. They are not intellectual concepts that will dissipate upon discussion. They are physical sensations, and must be dealt with physically. The tears, yelling and punching are the means by which the emotional pain is drained from the body.
What you’ll find is that there are layers and layers of pain—you’ll release some, and more will rise to the surface. So you do the exercise again. And again. And again.
Older, deeper pains
Then what you’ll find is that older pains—injuries not inflicted by the sociopath—will also rise to the surface. Perhaps they were injuries from your family of origin, or other relationships, or profound disappointments in your life.
When you find these pains, you have struck gold. These are the pains that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. They too, must be released. When they are no longer buried within you, you will be able to move into a new life of peace, contentment and happiness.
It’s hard to believe this when you are in the midst of the trauma. But it is true—you can pass through the pain and come out the other side. The process is not pretty. A therapist, if you can find one who gets it, may be able to guide you, but you alone must do the work. And it will take time.
Many of us on Lovefraud have talked about how we’ve become stronger, wiser individuals after our run-ins with the sociopaths. This is how it happens. We persevere through the pain, and then we are set free.
Polly:
a woman i met today said this of her court tangles with her ex who was a lawyer:
‘i didn’t want to win, i wanted justice.’
and maybe when we are wanting so bad to have power over them we are in need of claiming another piece of our power within our own lives and selves.
And< i think much like matt and as EB acts – if you can do it safely, AND it doesn't become a career – have at it.
I have only really yelled a someone a handful of times in my life. AND I DON'T REGRET ONE OF THEM. All came after a significant stretch of boundary intrusion and subtle abuse – the fist time it was 26 years in the making – the last time (4 weeks ago) it was only 3 months in the making. I consider that progress.
xx one step
ummm, anyone know where i can get some shrimp shells?
Hey one step = have no idea about the shrimp shells! Maybe you could try a Chinese restaurant or a fish shop???
Yes you might be right on needing to reclaim some kind of power – but what? I can understand just wanting some justice – I think that is what I am after rather than revenge per say. I know he will never understand or feel what he put me through so it is kind of hopeless wishing for it. I would like him to have the experience of pain and frustration though – just so he has some level of understanding, but even then he probably wouldn’t feel anything – so no point!
I am going out for the second time today – if I keep myself busy then it won’t hurt quite so much! Sitting at home dwelling on it all is the worst thing I can do.
Going to see that new supernatural flick so a bit of freaking out will definitely take my mind off it all … as will the frozen yoghurt! Yum!!
PS what the heck are you doing with shrimp shells???
mmm shrimp! I’d eat a whole plate and send you the shells if I could one_step LMAO 😛
pollyannanomore — I am in a exact same place as you are. How is it fair that they feel nothing. Financial issues the same as yours where I get screwed though he has forged my name everywhere I have been told it may not get me anywhere legally and get justice. He did physically abuse me and DV charge is still going on in the court or 2 1/2 years which is just more agony. I have no faith in the legal system and I feel he is going to get away as he has recorded my vmails when I was yelling and screaming at him everytime he wiped me out and ran off to enjoy himself instead of working. As you said we are the once looking crazy and he is a great entertaining, cool and charming guy. He didn’t give my daughter money she needed for school after telling her he will get it. I ended up taking out a loan to help her. He told her till last minute he is working on getting her the money at the end said, he couldnt get it. Just that.. He couldn’t get it and continued to just have his BS yapping. He then drove about 400 miles to visit her today (I just moved her yesterday and did all the hardwork with moving) and called her when he got there. Had dinner with her and left and never once mentioned about money. I swear I see no reason for this spath to be on this planet. Who calls himself a parent and think doing lunches and dinner makes a parent.
Concept of forgiving is so bizzare and foreign to me as I have no clue how you do that when spath is impacting your life everyday. I do want to do that as I know anger and rage are killing me and making me miserable while he is living the life and even to the kids you look like a mean angery person. I hate that I am stressed financially and having to teach them responsibilities while this s-path just hangs out like he is their buddy and knows nothing or wants to know nothing that needs attention. I guess if he tries to know the issues kids are facing he may have to do something and obviously he wants to just use them and not really worry about teaching them the right things. Why should he look bad and give up his easy role of just hanging out with them. I hate this Socio and hate myself at times for not seeing through this con and chosing him as kids father. I too read about getting it out physically and need to find that energy within me to do it. I too have lot of doubts in god and faith and karma at this point which in a way makes it difficult to let go. I wish I could just tell the universe to take care of it and not think about it but not able too at the present time.
I hope movie and gardening took your mind off a bit. I know how great it feels to not give a damn about the loser as I was there last year, so I hate being here but I am hopeful I can be back where I was. I do have job issues, and additional college expenses stress and court stuff so have alot on my plate which makes it more difficult to relax.
Matt or anyone else who may be knowledgable about credit card debts —
— My spath has about 100K in debt. but somehow he still managed to get a luxury car recently. How is that possible? I thought even if you lease the car you had to have a good credit. I have had credit collectors call for him so I am puzzled to how he manages. Would he go to jail if he doesn’t pay the credit card companies? At what point would they really go after him, Do you know? I always wonder how he manges to continue getting credit cards with bad credit. He doesn’t hold a real job. He definately doesn;t make enough in his gambligs to match his lavish lifestyle so he must contineuly have to charge some amounts to cc every month.
Polly:
” he is creating the facade of a fabulous partying life while I cope with the fallout of the relationship and all the associated responsibilities. I need to remind myself that there is no substance there ”“ he is fake and so is his life.”
It really is true…..and I have been able to keep this ’emotion’ of resentment under wraps on this level…..because I truely DO KNOW this.
In the beginning…..we want the world to understand what we have just figured out……and see right through them…..but you have to figure how long it took us…..
One thing I held stock in…..was the fact that in uncovering these realities……I fully understood my ‘role’ in his life….I was the brains….he was/is stupid…..In putting the large, 28 year jigsaw puzzle together……I remember all the instinces I made excuses for him or ‘reeled’ his behavior back in…..I enabled him to hide from me and others the whole time……even back when I was a teen. This was my role…
I questioned his behaviors and confrtonted him harshly at times……never understanding WHY he was acting so horridly. He would ‘retreat’. This prolonged his exposure. Along with my reputaion in the community…..it offered him the benefit of the doubt when behaviors came through.
So……after he was booted…..and I went out of ‘silence’ mode and into not keeping mymouth shut mode…..exposure….I refused to keep his secrets……if someone asked I told……I was very adament about NOT ‘owning’ his behaviors….
I didn’t ‘harp’ on it…..and I kept MY dignity…..but didn’t own his reputaions.
I took the high road in certain situations. I remained true to myself and people now….2plus years later see that I HAVE NOT changed……but continue to see his behaviors and actions and lack of work, world travel etc…..and put that together with the drug dealing rumors…..and add 2+2 for themselves.
NO….not everyone…..but I am confident that he keeps on moving…..from person to person…place to place….because he can’t keep his front up for any amount of time.
He gains the ‘respect’ and supply from one ‘town’……then people question him….and he moves on…..
So yes….there will ALWAYS be someone willing to buy into their crap….either professionally or personally…….but it’s temporary!
Now….you and I (and us Lf’ers) will remain ‘who’ we are/were. It won’t stop S’s from talking poorly of us……but their own actions will negate those negative seeds they plant and back fire on them in the end…..
WE MUST TRUST IN THIS…..and this is where patience pays for us.
We can’t expect everyone in the world to hate them, they ‘water’ themselves down…..thin themselves out in the ‘crowd’ of society…..go from group to group…….
and I think this is where we would be more than satisfied if we knew the whole world hated them……AIN”T REALISTIC!!!!
Just hold stock in how ‘duped’ these new supplies feel when they send him packing down the road of NC. That’s when your reputation is restored…….one person finding out/realising at a time….
It’s a constant hamster on the treadmill to suck people in game……
Now…..you just go about living your fullfilling and nice real relationship type of life……YOU ARE DOING MUCH BETTER than him!!! Rest assured.
One:
Take the day off and go fishing, or take a walk on the docks in the early afternoon.
It’s quite cathartic, relaxing….and the fish guts are always up for grabs when the boat docks!
🙂
They freeze well too!
Sounds like he’s planning a bankruptcy to me.
There are many, many ways he could be operating…..
I see this with the bus. relationship spath #2.
He has been getting credit advanced to him and his credit report is SHOT.
I spoke to a bank mgr. yesterday and he was in that bank last week trying to con a loan…..he goes from bank to bank doing this……opening accts. overdrafting and then moving on…..it’s not a HUGE amount of money, but he’s got the gig down.
Sounds to me as if he may have some cash stached and using credit to max out prior to a bankruptcy.
AND NO…..he won’t go to jail for the CC thing….after 180 days they discharge the debt and knotch his credit…
OOOHHH big whoopie.
Unfortunately!!!
Erin thankyou! That is what I had suspected in my mind although my heart was wanting vengeance. I wondered if my silence might speak louder than any words could. I have backed out of all social groups he is associated with and stayed away from people we jointly knew. So it’s one person at a time … already he is talking about moving away after a year – don’t know why a year = perhaps something to do with the studies.
I too have remained silent – the only place I bad mouth him is here – I won’t lie if anyone asks me what went wrong but I won’t and haven’t broadcasted that he is an abuser – I suspect that he has hypnotised this group so there would be no point. One thing is for sure for me – I won’t be so quick in the future to believe one person’s side of the story. And in future split ups I see around me, I will offer support to the maligned partner if feasable – I tend to do that anyway – I recall a particular relationship where everyone was dissing the girl – and she was a girl of only sixteen. Turned out it was the thirty four yr old man who had taken advantage of her, yet most people had labelled her a skank, hoe etc. Group think can be a very dangerous thing when it comes to social groups.
Thanks for sharing your experience – that gives me some hope that his mask will inevitably slip and when it does he will more than likely move on to the next group of willing believers 🙂
Hope you and Ruby are having a great weekend with the kids.