Saturday night, the Lovefraud reader “rriinnaa” posted the following under Heeding the Exploiter’s Earliest Warning:
I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won’t be again ”¦. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children ”¦ all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ”¦.. “I would die for you Rina—¦. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life—¦ “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my god AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME”¦ I believed him .. he hated me because I was strong and he did everything in his power to crush that.. he didnt have that sense of fun, that wacky sense of humour, that friendliness that everyone fell in love with THAT WAS ME, THAT WAS THE GIRL HE MET”¦. and I have lost that girl i once was.. i want it back, i want to live and laugh and be happy .. he has turned me into his apprentice monster ”¦ oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELL ME THERE IS KARMA.. TELL ME HE WILL HURT ONE DAY PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE FEELS .. yeah right ”¦”¦”¦I still can’t get it in my head THAT HE IS A SICK SOCIOPATH.. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT THING ! IM GOING CRAZY .. i cant get my head around it .. i saw a psychologist.. it was the worst thing i could have done last week ..IS THERE A GROUP MEETING WHERE I CAN TALK TO REAL PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE ABOUT THIS MONSTER ????? can someone guide me to somewhere, someone that understands what I am going through ????????????????????
i am sorry”¦ i am ranting”¦. maybe i have finally gone over the edge ? nooooooo NO NO .. i never will. I will find the strength.. .again .. im up and down and my kids are suffering.. as much as I try to hide it ”¦”¦. they feel it, they see it and I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME I HATE HIM ..
I remember feeling like this. In fact, when I read Rina’s message, I got that old tightening in my chest, that inability to breathe, that constantly-on-the-verge-of-tears feeling again.
I remember the rage, the hatred, the utter despair.
They’re normal reactions to the betrayal of a sociopath.
Why it’s so bad
We’ve all had romantic relationships end before. Why the end of a relationship with a sociopath so much worse?
First of all, the scale of the deception is beyond what most of us have ever experienced. These people don’t just lie about where they were last night. Their entire lives are lies—everything they ever did, every human relationship they ever had. In my case, as I started to unravel what was really going on, each day brought another fabrication, another betrayal. Recently, nine years after I left my sociopathic ex-husband, I discovered yet another lie. It never ends.
Then, the degree to which we were used is unbelievable. My ex-husband wanted a place to live, reliable sex and someone to finance his dreams of grandeur. All his love notes, his little gifts, and his forever promises, were designed to make me provide those things. It worked. Then, two and a half years later when I was used up, he moved on.
But perhaps the biggest reason why it’s so bad is because sociopaths steal our dreams and use them against us. In those heady early days of the relationship, as the sociopaths listen intently, we’re spilling our guts, telling them what we really want, what is really important to us, what we want out of life. We think they’re listening because they truly want everything that we want. In reality, they’re listening to discover the deepest places within us where they can set their hooks.
Sooner or later, it all collapses.
At that point, we lose our trust—trust in other people, trust in ourselves, trust if life itself. And as Karin Huffer writes in the Legal Abuse Syndrome, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
Dealing with the pain
We’re left with the emotional wreckage—along with very real problems like physical illness and injury, financial devastation, caring for children and legal issues. And all of it was caused by someone who supposedly loved us. What do we do?
The only way out of the pain is through it.
People often call and ask me how to cope. I suggest that you hold yourself together while dealing with the practical, financial and legal issues. Somehow, you have to keep your emotions in check so you can think and make decisions.
But after those concerns are handled, and you are alone, let it rip. Allow yourself to cry, yell and curse. Get physical—stomp your feet or twist towels. My personal favorite was envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow, and punching the crap out of it. (For more information, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.)
Why do we need to do this? Because emotions are physical. They are not intellectual concepts that will dissipate upon discussion. They are physical sensations, and must be dealt with physically. The tears, yelling and punching are the means by which the emotional pain is drained from the body.
What you’ll find is that there are layers and layers of pain—you’ll release some, and more will rise to the surface. So you do the exercise again. And again. And again.
Older, deeper pains
Then what you’ll find is that older pains—injuries not inflicted by the sociopath—will also rise to the surface. Perhaps they were injuries from your family of origin, or other relationships, or profound disappointments in your life.
When you find these pains, you have struck gold. These are the pains that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. They too, must be released. When they are no longer buried within you, you will be able to move into a new life of peace, contentment and happiness.
It’s hard to believe this when you are in the midst of the trauma. But it is true—you can pass through the pain and come out the other side. The process is not pretty. A therapist, if you can find one who gets it, may be able to guide you, but you alone must do the work. And it will take time.
Many of us on Lovefraud have talked about how we’ve become stronger, wiser individuals after our run-ins with the sociopaths. This is how it happens. We persevere through the pain, and then we are set free.
Beverly, I definitely know what you mean about the “shock of it”–I had deluded myself that I had this wonderful friendship with my mother…she and my best girlfriend have been a trio for 20+ years. But it was DENIAL, because I just didn’t “notice” the times she had verbally abused and punished me when I didn’t go along with her enabling of first her brother a CERTIFIED MONSTER PSYCHOPATH, and then my own P-son. It was only this last debacle that opened my eyes and made the things that I had pushed aside and “forgotten about” or “just blown off” that made me see that this was a pattern throughout not only her life but the family for GENERATIONS.
In fact, my mother had NOT been an enabler until my grandmother died, then she did a 180 degree turn about and became this enabler from hell.
With this last time I have called her a “Psychopath by proxy” because she did the bidding of my P-son to discard and devalue me, to let him manipulate her to manipulate me. She lied to me, used and abused….and I think would have been plenty happy if he had gotten out of prison while she was still alive—the fact that I have done my best to see that he STAYS in prison for the rest of his life sentence and gets NO parole ENRAGES her so much that I think she could have cheerfully killed me in one of her rages.
She even looked at me what that LOOK that the Ps have when they are enraged the last time I really had a conversation about this with her.
When we start healing from the P encounter, I think a LOT of things that have been “hidden” in the back ground start to surface and we start to have to deal with these things to in order to completely move on. They are kind of like piles of cat poop that we have covered up or swept under the rug and we don’t even notice them any more, but when we “clean house” with the rest of what has happened, we start to “smell them” and realize that we need to “clean up that mess” as well.
Until I stopped and looked at how I had felt, trying to please my mother “forever” and never being able to quite pull it off, I think all these things contributed to my vulnerability to the Ps. I have always felt that male children were much more valued in our family and felt that I couldn’t be all I wanted to be because I was the “wrong sex”—females were not quite as good as males. The male carried on the name, etc. In actual fact, my grandfather (mom’s dad) for his place and time was not as male oriented as his peers. He wanted his daughter to get an education, etc. He actively tried not to show “favoritism” between his two children. I was the “favored” grandchild simply because mom and I lived with them until she remarried when I was 3, and I bonded to them, went with my grandfather everywhere like a puppy, and there were no other grandchildren til I was 10-11 and they were states away and visited rarely. So I was more the child of their old age when they had the finances and leisure to spend more time with me than when my mom and her brother were growing up in post depression rural poverty.
I am NC with mom now except for a rare business conversation, but no longer worry about pleasing her, or feel responsible for taking care of her (I’m an only child) My boys are now also NC with her except for the P who still writes her and wants money, which I think she is probably sending him some along. I don’t even care any more, whether she does or not. My son C had told her thought that if she kept sending his P brother money he would go NC and that is why he has done so. That sort of blew me away, I can’t evenf imagine that my son, as close as he always was to his grandmother and as much as he held her up as a “Christian Icon” for him to realize so quickly how toxic her enabling is/was and how she has treated not only me, but him as well. She went from the pedestal to the pits in only a few weeks as far as he was concerned. (shaking head here) I knew how badly she had betrayed and hurt me, but it didn’t dawn on me for one minute that my son was that wounded and also that AWARE of why.
My adopted son, she discarded because he was “not blood” about two or three months before the big “blow up”—and though he doesn’t feel too harshly toward her, I know it hurt, as he has been so good to her and respected her so much before all this, now he only speaks to her on business as well. He is always polite, but he doesn’t trust her either.
Sometimes I feel like an “orphan” but I was fortunate that I did have a wonderful and supportive step father that I loved dearly and who encouraged me throughout my life and HE WAS PROUD OF ME, and I knew that I pleased him and that he loved me and knew I loved him.
oxdrover I am beginning to think I should of logged into this site with the name henryetta instead of henry. I read everything you post and read everybodys sadness here. I changed my phone numbers today, because it hurt’s when he call’s and it hurst’s when he doesn’t. I am better ox, especially with the anxiety, good days and bad days. I am so tired of hurting, I try to look a day ahead but just seem to focus on the past. He stole my dream’s and used them to his advantage. and yes ox I did volunteer to be his victim, most of the anger I feel is at me. What a fool am I, oh well. I keep thinking of some good friends I have that were married for 55 years, the only good happy relationship I know of. He sat down one evening and died. She (his wife) literally cried for one year. Her daughter would come over and sleep with her and hold her hand. It has been 2 years scince he died, she is going on with life. Wouldnt it be wonderfull to have had that to cry about? I should be so happy he is out of my life, I wish I could let go of whatever it is that has me so down…………
I keep doubting myself and thinking, what could I have done differently, what can i do to get him back. and then i re-read the trait’s of a sociopath. it is him to a T. and he has borderline personality disorder. I fell for the pity, the tears, the suicide threats, I tried to rescue him, to fix him. I better be careful what I wish for or he mite just come back. lol
Dear Henry,
You are going through the “normal” stages of the grief process. Google Grief process and read about it, it is the emotions we all go through trying to come to terms with our loss. But in many ways it is WORSE than a “normal” grief process because we participated in our loss, we berate ourselves as well as the Ps.
My husband died in a plane crash in July of 04 here at our little airport and farm–and accidnt, not his fault. We were happy and it was so sudden and tragic and WOW it hurt, but I didn’t beat myself up for it, I didn’t even beat him up for it, he died doing what he loved—how wonderful for him, and he didn’t suffer much, so darn, it COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE. Sure, I cried and cried and got depressed, but that is normal grief. But I felt so bereft that I fell for a P who was looking for another “respectable wife” to cheat on! I fell hook line and sinker–boy did he take me for a ride when I was at my lowest ebb, feeling old, fat, undesirable, lonely, etc etc. and in many ways it was worse than the crash because I FELT USED, DIRTY, because HE DIDN’T CARE THAT HE HURT ME or used me as just another one of his harem. Fortunately I caught on before I married him, but it was still a big CRASH, when I was down anyway—
The main thing thatyou must MAKE YOURSELF DO, is to keep NO CONTACT. I don’t care if he is bleeding from self inflicted wounds on your front step, call 911 and close the door. He may try all kinds of things to get you to come back to him when he NEEDS you again, and I will “bet the farm” he does, they seem to be like coyottes, they eat some of the carcass, then go make another kill, but evntually come back to the previous one for a snack. Don’t fall for ANYTHING he does, even suicide gestures or “attempts”—it is all about CONTROLING YOU. He can only do it if YOU LET HIM. So put on your “Big boy britches” and straighten up your back bone and NO CONTACT. You CAN do it Henry, and ONLY you can in the end “save” yourself. YOu can’t save him, fix him or help him. We will be here to support you, but it is kind of like a woman in labor, you have to do the pushing and bear the pain, but we will “hold your hand” and coach you. Hang in there.
Aw, Beverly, sweet…this realization must be really painful.
But, I think by finally putting a name and a definition to the abuse you suffered as a child, from father AND mother, you’ve had your own…”AHA!!” moment. It was never your fault. Ever. You were a lovely, innocent, child as you are now a lovely woman. And it seriously disturbs me thinking about other lovely children being abused every single frikkin day. I don’t have children myself, but I still have immense compassion & empathy for them. As for the pain you suffered when you were a wee girl.
Take your time to assimilate this new found knowledge. I think learning your mom is a N, will finally deliver you from the inner pain you’ve carried for so many years. You will be liberated and free, knowing you are not responsible for the harm a person did to you. As OxD says..my prayers & thoughts are with you. **HUG**
Dear Beverly,
I can totally relate to you. My father is an N, which I did not realize until my encounter to ex P. I have been NC with my ex P for more than 2 months. Strangely, I do not think about him at all.
All I think is about my upbringing. My parents. My therapist says that my father has traits of N. When I told that to my mother, she got very upset. She thinks that my father is normal. My brother and sister are both mentally ill, and I myself suffer very low self-esteem. Given the fact, she somehow thinks that she and my father did something wrong, but she DOES NOT understand what really went wrong. Her very basic thought is that her kids became mentally ill, because they think too much.
I remember she once said that, she was aware that my father abused us, kids. And she still remembers I asked her to divorce my father when I was very little. None of my siblings likes him. My father once had a girlfriend, wasted much money my grandmother had, still drinks too much. We lived with my grandparents (my mother’s parents) who were wealthy and helped my parents raise four kids. She did not have a financial problem. So I asked her why she stayed with him. She says, because he is a decent man who helped her take care of her aging parents! Yes, he did in a way, but he is an N and abused his kids!! She did not protect us from him.
Finally, I have come to conclusion that my mother is not normal, either. She is not a P but I do not know what she really is. I am NC with my father, and have been wondering if I should go NC with my mother, too. I will see my therapist tomorrow to discuss this issue.
When I think about my upbringing, I just feel my life was destined to go miserable. I have worked so hard last 20 years to fix myself, but I realized that I was damaged so deep inside.
Dear chaos, I only found out in the last 6 months my father was an N. He was VERY haughty, he would make me sit as young kid whilst he lectured me on how he had plumbed the house, landscaped the garden, he made me listen to hours of OPERA and when as a teen I visited him for weekends, he never took me anywhere, I sat in the house the whole time whilst he made me a captive audience to his achievements. He also had a kind of OCD perfectionism, everything had to be ‘just so’ and everyone walked on eggshells around him.
He discarded my mother having moved onto someone else and when I collected his photos last year (his 3rd and last partner died) (he had never worked but lived off a series of women) there were 7 albums full of holiday snaps with only him and his partner. Even at his funeral 10 yrs ago, unknown women turned up!! When I was young, I just thought he was very arrogant and a ‘know all’ that was what I thought of him. When my mother put me in boarding school aged 6, for 4 years, he never contacted me, and I could not understand why he acted as though I didnt exist.
When I met the N in 2006, within the first hour he told me he had deep passion for OPERA and of course I knew alot about opera, so we had an immediate bonding!!! I sensed this was a red flag, that I was meeting someone similar to my father, but I discounted it, thinking, well no, this man appears very different from my father. But their coldness, detachment were all the same, because I came to realise that they reason I felt comfortable with the N, was that he WAS just like my father. Infact the N, said he wished he had met my father.
I never thought my father was responsible for my low sense of worth, because he wasnt there, but now I realise that both my parents were instrumental in different ways. My mother was a critic, but she did it so cleverly, by making me the troublemaker, the bad one between me and my brother. Both my parents are dead now, but I realise that in my life I have felt like nothing and now I know why, when I have achieved something good, it means nothing to me, I have been quite creative and I have settled for very little, because that is the script I was fed.
Dear JaneSmith, Up until recently I never considered myself to be an abused child, because neither of my parents hit me, (although my mother attacked me when she was in the worst part of her schizophrenia). But I realise that by abandonment and neglect and criticism, I have been quite abused. I always felt really alone and was prey to other abusers.
Hello
dear donna,amr, oxdrover, rperk, aloha, henry, james, beverley, free, trish and everyone else on here !
THANK YOU FROM the bottom of my heart for all your well wishes, and wonderful words of comfort.
I am feeling better – the UNDERSTANDING I am getting here is unbelievable and really does help a great deal.
I still feel very empty and I cannot get him out of my head.
I know it all – I know its a waste of energy, and time, and im tired. Very tired. Sometimes I think he is NOT a sociopath …… he doesnt contact me, he doesnt annoy me… I wish he would because then I would get the satisfaction to tell him exactly what I think, CLOSURE.
He is in another state. He is with the “other woman”, and I am left here in torment, and he is having a wonderful time. I have visions of kicking his head in (and I am far from violent!, even though he accused me of that often). I really want revenge – and I know that the “only revenge is to get on with my life”.. dont you think I want that ??? .. I want to scream in his face, and then he can call me any name he wants to. how he can just walk into the sunset without even taking a look over his shoulder. I am so damn angry, and nothing I do or say helps me, oh, except for these posts. I dont feel so alone, misunderstood or crazy.
Thank you , thank you, thank you.
Rina x
and amr.. i will be in contact…..i cant wait to speak with you.
thank you. How do you feel after 2 years NC ? It feels like I will never get there.
I found out recently from my sister that our GP diagnosed my mother with a personality disorder many years ago when we were kids. Apparently, he refered her to a psychiatrist ( not knowing what else to do I suppose) and gave HER the referal letter which she promptly opened when she got home. After reading it, she marched down to the surgery and hurled abuse at him!
I do vaguely remember something about it but of course I was brainwashed into thinking he was a ‘bad’ doctor.
What a pity this doctor could not have told us when we were old enough to understand. It would have saved both of us years of torment and guilt, always being blamed for her behaviour.