Saturday night, the Lovefraud reader “rriinnaa” posted the following under Heeding the Exploiter’s Earliest Warning:
I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won’t be again ”¦. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children ”¦ all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ”¦.. “I would die for you Rina—¦. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life—¦ “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my god AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME”¦ I believed him .. he hated me because I was strong and he did everything in his power to crush that.. he didnt have that sense of fun, that wacky sense of humour, that friendliness that everyone fell in love with THAT WAS ME, THAT WAS THE GIRL HE MET”¦. and I have lost that girl i once was.. i want it back, i want to live and laugh and be happy .. he has turned me into his apprentice monster ”¦ oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELL ME THERE IS KARMA.. TELL ME HE WILL HURT ONE DAY PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE FEELS .. yeah right ”¦”¦”¦I still can’t get it in my head THAT HE IS A SICK SOCIOPATH.. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT THING ! IM GOING CRAZY .. i cant get my head around it .. i saw a psychologist.. it was the worst thing i could have done last week ..IS THERE A GROUP MEETING WHERE I CAN TALK TO REAL PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE ABOUT THIS MONSTER ????? can someone guide me to somewhere, someone that understands what I am going through ????????????????????
i am sorry”¦ i am ranting”¦. maybe i have finally gone over the edge ? nooooooo NO NO .. i never will. I will find the strength.. .again .. im up and down and my kids are suffering.. as much as I try to hide it ”¦”¦. they feel it, they see it and I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME I HATE HIM ..
I remember feeling like this. In fact, when I read Rina’s message, I got that old tightening in my chest, that inability to breathe, that constantly-on-the-verge-of-tears feeling again.
I remember the rage, the hatred, the utter despair.
They’re normal reactions to the betrayal of a sociopath.
Why it’s so bad
We’ve all had romantic relationships end before. Why the end of a relationship with a sociopath so much worse?
First of all, the scale of the deception is beyond what most of us have ever experienced. These people don’t just lie about where they were last night. Their entire lives are lies—everything they ever did, every human relationship they ever had. In my case, as I started to unravel what was really going on, each day brought another fabrication, another betrayal. Recently, nine years after I left my sociopathic ex-husband, I discovered yet another lie. It never ends.
Then, the degree to which we were used is unbelievable. My ex-husband wanted a place to live, reliable sex and someone to finance his dreams of grandeur. All his love notes, his little gifts, and his forever promises, were designed to make me provide those things. It worked. Then, two and a half years later when I was used up, he moved on.
But perhaps the biggest reason why it’s so bad is because sociopaths steal our dreams and use them against us. In those heady early days of the relationship, as the sociopaths listen intently, we’re spilling our guts, telling them what we really want, what is really important to us, what we want out of life. We think they’re listening because they truly want everything that we want. In reality, they’re listening to discover the deepest places within us where they can set their hooks.
Sooner or later, it all collapses.
At that point, we lose our trust—trust in other people, trust in ourselves, trust if life itself. And as Karin Huffer writes in the Legal Abuse Syndrome, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
Dealing with the pain
We’re left with the emotional wreckage—along with very real problems like physical illness and injury, financial devastation, caring for children and legal issues. And all of it was caused by someone who supposedly loved us. What do we do?
The only way out of the pain is through it.
People often call and ask me how to cope. I suggest that you hold yourself together while dealing with the practical, financial and legal issues. Somehow, you have to keep your emotions in check so you can think and make decisions.
But after those concerns are handled, and you are alone, let it rip. Allow yourself to cry, yell and curse. Get physical—stomp your feet or twist towels. My personal favorite was envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow, and punching the crap out of it. (For more information, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.)
Why do we need to do this? Because emotions are physical. They are not intellectual concepts that will dissipate upon discussion. They are physical sensations, and must be dealt with physically. The tears, yelling and punching are the means by which the emotional pain is drained from the body.
What you’ll find is that there are layers and layers of pain—you’ll release some, and more will rise to the surface. So you do the exercise again. And again. And again.
Older, deeper pains
Then what you’ll find is that older pains—injuries not inflicted by the sociopath—will also rise to the surface. Perhaps they were injuries from your family of origin, or other relationships, or profound disappointments in your life.
When you find these pains, you have struck gold. These are the pains that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. They too, must be released. When they are no longer buried within you, you will be able to move into a new life of peace, contentment and happiness.
It’s hard to believe this when you are in the midst of the trauma. But it is true—you can pass through the pain and come out the other side. The process is not pretty. A therapist, if you can find one who gets it, may be able to guide you, but you alone must do the work. And it will take time.
Many of us on Lovefraud have talked about how we’ve become stronger, wiser individuals after our run-ins with the sociopaths. This is how it happens. We persevere through the pain, and then we are set free.
Good to “see” you back, Beverly…:)
I also wanted to comment on Laura’s brilliant post. It went a little over my head the first time I read it, so I reread it slooowly and patiently a second time wanting to understand this new information/knowledge she has offered to us.
See, my first exposure to a psychic vampire was, of course, my p-father. He was annoying, loud, a braggart, highly critical, excessively dominating to his family, superficially charming, and a right pain in the neck!
When I became interested in the opposite sex (around 19 years of age) I was searching for the exact opposite type of man from my p-father. A man who was diametrically oppositional to the personality/character, behavior, physical appearance of my p-father.
And, lo and behold, I got it. I met and was involved with a few men who were SEEMINGLY sweet, kind, loving, insecure, altruistic, sad, pathetic, lost, little puppy doggies. I thought to myself at the time…” I can SAVE you from yourself! I can give you all my love, my compassion, my nurturing nature to HEAL you from your pain!” I think now, how arrogant of me to think I can literally save someone from their own messy, screwed-up lives when my own life was far removed from mentally clean and healthy. There’s only one true Savoir, and that ain’t me.
OxD helped me see the light when I was confused about my last disastrous involvement with the Music Man. He seduced me into believing he was my “Ideal Inner Beloved” by utilizing the mask of insecurity, humility, compassion. He actually said to me oh so delicately and sweetly, that he believed God had sent me to him. My heart swelled and I smiled benevolently in return. Man oh man oh man, was I an easy, willing target. Only when his mask slipped, and the cold, selfish beast within revealed itself, did I stand up for myself and kick him to the curb. Creep.
Even if I invited the sociopath in the door and voluntered to be his victim, I was still victimized on a grand scale.
Dear Jane, Free and OxD. I too deliberately went for different types of men than my father, but still got caught by ‘cheeky monkeys’ – I think I said it in another post, what I realised is that I thought that by being rebellious with my mother, I was free, but i was still caught in reaction – so I wasnt free – I have realised that until we learn the lessons once and for all, the ‘universe’ will always have hidden angles to bring us right back. Yes,OxD I agree with your post about intuition, the people with PDs confuse and disorientate us so that we fixate on them rather than on ourselves and our gut feelings, my exN used to take ALOT of time out of the relatiionship for himself and he told me he was a good listener and thinker – i reckon he spent alot of time thinking out his strategies.
Same with my ex Free, I was shocked to realise that I was acting ‘normally’ telling him about myself, my background and he was sharing nothing with me. I was saying to my best friend yesterday, that if I have another rship that I will wait for the other person to put in first (in action not words)until I invest and I will be much more of my own person. Knowledge about someone is power. He wouldnt tell me anything about his childhood, he told me to go and see his sister and she told me two things. He was careful not to make HIMSELF vulnerable – I kept saying to him, why dont YOU tell me, why do you get your sister to do it?? Now i know.
One of the first things he said to me was that his family are number one in his life. I thought why is he saying that and I told him, I dont ‘grade’ people like that, everyone in my life is number one and I love them all in different ways. He was busy building walls and feeding me the scripts of how he wanted to relatinship to progress on his terms. Now I realise that his family are part of his ‘narcissistic supply’. Game Over!!!.
Dearest Free, If you read the seduction guides, Art of Seduction (I bought it) and total submission of a woman and fast seduction, they have worked out how to hook women and make them feel special and much of it is around flattery and illusion, that is why we have to keep our feet on the ground.
I have had ten or so treatments, it was abit scary at first, they work out which part of the breast has the radiation and then they put me in a scanner to work out the dimensions and gave me little tattoo pricks – that was the planning treatment. Then on the first treatment, they take you in the room and they shine laser beams on you to get the machine in the right position, then they go out and the machine gives me a 20 second burst of radiation to the side and top of my right breast. My breast looks abit red and sizzled (and I have a lump I think it is scar tissue and they say it will go) but in my self I am fine and people say how well I look (this is mostly due to the fact that the N is no longer screwing up my head!!!). I feel good (not 100 per cent yet) and am planning future. There is a depression here in the UK and I cant sell my house, so I am looking at other ways to improve my life. Thank you for asking dearest Free (((hugs))
Dearest Free, You’re right but as we get older and lose our bloom an inner beauty shines out and although physical beauty can be seen to be a gift, it can also be the achilles heel for many woman. I have met many beautiful woman who have fowl language or greed – which is a type of ugliness. Yes you are unique and your personal story is what makes you so special, what you have had to overcome. Being comfortable with how you look is that inner confidence which is an inner beauty that cannot be bought in face cream!!
Dear Free, here in the UK we have smear tests over age 20 and breast checks every 3 years. But as women we are subject to so many bodily changes that any irregularities are worth investigating. The body has its own internal intelligence and memories can be stored of past trauma or events, but dont worry, because the body has immense healing power too. My best friend looked at me yesterday and said, she cant believe how I look and have recovered and what I was going through and looked like a year ago. All concerns are best checked out of course.
When I was 54 last year I had not one wrinkle, but he made me cry so much, that my eyes were swollen all the time and he has given me baggy eyelids, but I am not too worried, because I figure that those are part of who I am as well and part of the road I have travelled. Like you, Free, genuine heart and soul connection is best, but men are visual and are affected by how someone looks, unless he is very special.