Saturday night, the Lovefraud reader “rriinnaa” posted the following under Heeding the Exploiter’s Earliest Warning:
I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won’t be again ”¦. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children ”¦ all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ”¦.. “I would die for you Rina—¦. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life—¦ “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my god AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME”¦ I believed him .. he hated me because I was strong and he did everything in his power to crush that.. he didnt have that sense of fun, that wacky sense of humour, that friendliness that everyone fell in love with THAT WAS ME, THAT WAS THE GIRL HE MET”¦. and I have lost that girl i once was.. i want it back, i want to live and laugh and be happy .. he has turned me into his apprentice monster ”¦ oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELL ME THERE IS KARMA.. TELL ME HE WILL HURT ONE DAY PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE FEELS .. yeah right ”¦”¦”¦I still can’t get it in my head THAT HE IS A SICK SOCIOPATH.. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT THING ! IM GOING CRAZY .. i cant get my head around it .. i saw a psychologist.. it was the worst thing i could have done last week ..IS THERE A GROUP MEETING WHERE I CAN TALK TO REAL PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE ABOUT THIS MONSTER ????? can someone guide me to somewhere, someone that understands what I am going through ????????????????????
i am sorry”¦ i am ranting”¦. maybe i have finally gone over the edge ? nooooooo NO NO .. i never will. I will find the strength.. .again .. im up and down and my kids are suffering.. as much as I try to hide it ”¦”¦. they feel it, they see it and I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME I HATE HIM ..
I remember feeling like this. In fact, when I read Rina’s message, I got that old tightening in my chest, that inability to breathe, that constantly-on-the-verge-of-tears feeling again.
I remember the rage, the hatred, the utter despair.
They’re normal reactions to the betrayal of a sociopath.
Why it’s so bad
We’ve all had romantic relationships end before. Why the end of a relationship with a sociopath so much worse?
First of all, the scale of the deception is beyond what most of us have ever experienced. These people don’t just lie about where they were last night. Their entire lives are lies—everything they ever did, every human relationship they ever had. In my case, as I started to unravel what was really going on, each day brought another fabrication, another betrayal. Recently, nine years after I left my sociopathic ex-husband, I discovered yet another lie. It never ends.
Then, the degree to which we were used is unbelievable. My ex-husband wanted a place to live, reliable sex and someone to finance his dreams of grandeur. All his love notes, his little gifts, and his forever promises, were designed to make me provide those things. It worked. Then, two and a half years later when I was used up, he moved on.
But perhaps the biggest reason why it’s so bad is because sociopaths steal our dreams and use them against us. In those heady early days of the relationship, as the sociopaths listen intently, we’re spilling our guts, telling them what we really want, what is really important to us, what we want out of life. We think they’re listening because they truly want everything that we want. In reality, they’re listening to discover the deepest places within us where they can set their hooks.
Sooner or later, it all collapses.
At that point, we lose our trust—trust in other people, trust in ourselves, trust if life itself. And as Karin Huffer writes in the Legal Abuse Syndrome, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
Dealing with the pain
We’re left with the emotional wreckage—along with very real problems like physical illness and injury, financial devastation, caring for children and legal issues. And all of it was caused by someone who supposedly loved us. What do we do?
The only way out of the pain is through it.
People often call and ask me how to cope. I suggest that you hold yourself together while dealing with the practical, financial and legal issues. Somehow, you have to keep your emotions in check so you can think and make decisions.
But after those concerns are handled, and you are alone, let it rip. Allow yourself to cry, yell and curse. Get physical—stomp your feet or twist towels. My personal favorite was envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow, and punching the crap out of it. (For more information, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.)
Why do we need to do this? Because emotions are physical. They are not intellectual concepts that will dissipate upon discussion. They are physical sensations, and must be dealt with physically. The tears, yelling and punching are the means by which the emotional pain is drained from the body.
What you’ll find is that there are layers and layers of pain—you’ll release some, and more will rise to the surface. So you do the exercise again. And again. And again.
Older, deeper pains
Then what you’ll find is that older pains—injuries not inflicted by the sociopath—will also rise to the surface. Perhaps they were injuries from your family of origin, or other relationships, or profound disappointments in your life.
When you find these pains, you have struck gold. These are the pains that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. They too, must be released. When they are no longer buried within you, you will be able to move into a new life of peace, contentment and happiness.
It’s hard to believe this when you are in the midst of the trauma. But it is true—you can pass through the pain and come out the other side. The process is not pretty. A therapist, if you can find one who gets it, may be able to guide you, but you alone must do the work. And it will take time.
Many of us on Lovefraud have talked about how we’ve become stronger, wiser individuals after our run-ins with the sociopaths. This is how it happens. We persevere through the pain, and then we are set free.
I also now have two scars, one under my arm and one on my breast, and that is part of me, so I accept it willingly. Im gonna sign off now, my daughter is 20 and I want to make her feel special. (((Love and hugs to you Free)))
Henry,
I invited the P in my door even knowing something wasn’t right from the moment I met him. I still ponder over that decision I made. I know now that I was sweet talked by one of the best and I will never let that happen to me again. I still let people walk all over me, but I am working on it.
You are away from him now and even though it hurts, it can’t be near as bad as when you were with him and now you are on a healing path. I wish you the best.
OxDrover says:
{{Great analogy Laura”“and pretty well hits the nail on the head with the psychopaths. They are emotional (instead of blood) vampires sucking us dry, and we do “invite them in” (in most cases) But I intend to wear an emotional piece of garlic around my neck from now on in the form of boundaries, and carry the Cross in my own stronger spirituality and keep in reserve a gun with a silver bullet “just in case—”LOL Thanks for this thoughtful post.}}
That’s a big 10-4! Got my garlic and a stake and hammer just in case!
Hort’s book is very useful for creative ways of dealing with psychopaths and narcissists though I do think that the Jungian approach is a bit soft in terms of facing the facts of certain pathologies. Her use of myths and legends to show us how to recognize the various types of psychic vampires early in the game, before we get totally sucked in, is excellent. I highly recommend this little book as an adjunct to other studies on the topic. Once you know the fairy tale/mythic story that is starting to play out, you can “change stories”.
Of particular interest are her references to mirrors. As you know, the vampire cannot be seen in a mirror nor can he see himself in a mirror. Maybe applying the “mirror test” early in a relationship is a good idea?
As I mentioned, she discusses a variety of types and dynamics; here’s a little sample of chapter titles: “The Charismatic Masculine Vampire”, the “Mediocre Masculine Vampire”, “The Oppressed Masculine Vampire”, “The Noble Masculine Vampire”, “Vampirism and the Father-Daughter Relationship”, “Deactivating the Masculine Vampire.”
Then, she moves to the Feminine Vampire types. Keep in mind that these are dynamics and a man can manifest the feminine vampire type and a woman can manifest the masculine vampire type. All in all, it’s really an invaluable reference tool.
Beverly says:
{{Dear Laura, I was blown away by the fascinating article you wrote here, the descriptions of the vampire archetype is truly chilling, and I can see how I fell into it and I can sense the essence of what you say! I had a series of nasty dreams when I was with him, one was that he was kissing me and he was sucking my breath and suffocating me. My friend says that he was acting out his demon – same thing. Hence the descriptions that people often use about a fight between good and evil. When we broke up (we had many breaks) I had pictures in my mind of bleeding raw meat – I use and honour my imagination and work with symbolism too. [”] }}
That’s a classic “Dark Man Dream”! Very powerful images coming up from your subconscious to warn you! I also had “dark man dreams” that helped me to see. Notice what Free says:
{{I love Jungian philosophy and read “Women Who Runs with Wolves” which helped me a lot to understand the predator and the prey.}}
This is the book that talks about “Dark Man Dreams” and it’s great.
Free says:
{{Thanks for sharing this archetype story with us, I am going to look for it. I sometimes wonder, the person who first created the fictitious vampire must have done so on the basis of a sociopath. We can learn so much from writers of yesteryear. }}
I heartily agree. Reading these books has really given me a lot of tools to recognize when a certain dynamic begins on whatever scale it is, whether it is with a real pathological type, or just someone who has been pathologized and is sort of passing the infection on.
henry says:
{{Even if I invited the sociopath in the door and voluntered to be his victim, I was still victimized on a grand scale. }}
Of course, no one says you weren’t. The solution to this is in what Beverly said:
Beverly says:
{{Just referring back again to Laura’s article, I read a statement recently that has really stuck with me ’DEVILS KNOW ANGELS, BUT ANGELS DONT KNOW DEVILS’. By reading and contributing here, we learn, learn learn their ploys, I know this sounds dramatic, but it IS dramatic and people in mainstream life DO NOT understand what this all signifies. Know thine enemy – i sure do now.}}
I’m not sure that angels don’t know devils, but I’m pretty sure that human beings who have been made ignorant by the control of psychopaths over most of our social systems do not know devils.
The Apostle Paul wrote in II Corinthians:
“…for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light, So it is not surprising if his servants also masquerade as ministers of righteousness. Their end will correspond with their deeds.”
This give us a direct injunction to observe the deeds, or fruits rather than the appearance or what is being told to us by said individuals. We need to learn to discern the “line of force”.
Added to this Jesus says in Matthew 12:33:
“Either make the tree sound and its fruit sound, or make the tree rotten and its fruit rotten; for the tree is known and recognized and judged by its fruit.”
The assault of these individuals is slow, careful and insidiously deceptive. The only defense we have is knowledge: to be able to identify moment by moment where we stand, what is going on, and which choice to make. “If you abide in My Word; hold fast to My teachings and live in accordance with them… you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” That truth includes the reality of pathology and its effect on individuals, societies, and governments.
The greatest deception of all is the insistance that “all men are created equal and endowed by their creator…” blah blah. Nothing could be further from the truth. There are pathologicals – narcissists and psychopaths – and many, if not most, of the serious one were born that way.
Then, of course, we are taught that even if there are evil individuals, in any case, we haven’t to worry about them because, if we just think nice thoughts, pray or meditate regularly, keep our nose clean and always wear clean underwear, nothing nasty will ever enter our reality.
I think that all of us have had the experience of evil insinuating itself into our lives in the guise of goodness and truth. The difficulty in talking about evil nowadays lies not in the weird or bizarre, but rather from the insistence by the media that religious views of good and evil are outdated. The problem is further exacerbated by the New Age teaching that “evil” simply does not exist unless an individual creates it in their reality. This is an important point because the process of evil follows the line of erosion of our spirituality through the erosion of knowledge. What better way to protect evil activities than to deny that they exist? Most often the individuals who create evil and wish to perpetuate it are those in positions of power over us and against whom we have no defense except through knowledge of who they are and how they work. We must learn about the lies in order to perceive the truth.
In any story about a vampire, the victim always invites them in because they do not KNOW about vampires and/or do not KNOW that the specific individual is one!
It is lack of knowledge that is our worst enemy. And certainly, wrong knowledge is worse than no knowledge at all. At least if we had no false knowledge that we believed in (which was ineffective because it was false), we would at least have our instincts. Pinkola-Estes remarks about this:
When instincts are strong, we intuitively recognize the innate predator by scent, sight, and hearing… we anticipate its presence, hear it approaching, and take steps to turn it away. In the instinct-injured the predator is upon them before they register its presence. We have been taught to be nice, to behave, to be blind, and to be misused.
If ya’ll want it in Bible terms (I’m an amateur historian of religion by the way), the apostle Paul wrote:
Put on God’s whole armor, that you may be able successfully to stand up against all the strategies and the deceits of the devil. For we are not wrestling with flesh and blood, but against the despotisms, against the powers, against the master spirits who are the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spirit forces of wickedness in the heavenly sphere. Therefore put on God’s complete armor, that you may be able to resist and stand your ground on the evil day of danger, and having done all that the crisis demands, to stand firmly in your place. Stand therefore, hold your ground, having tightened the belt of truth around your loins and having put on the breastplate of integrity and of moral rectitude and right standing with God. [Ephesians 6:11-14]
Most of all, we have to expose predators, tell our stories, share what we know and have experienced, not only for each other, but for the sake of our children. Pinkola-Estes writes:
“The young and the injured are uninitiated. Neither knows much about the dark predator and are, therefore, credulous. But, fortunately, when the predator is on the move, it leaves behind unmistakable tracks in dreams. These tracks eventually lead to its discovery, capture and containment.
“Wild Ways teaches people when not to act ‘nice’ about protecting their souls. The instinctive nature knows that being ‘sweet’ in these instances only makes the predator smile. When the soul is being threatened, it is not only acceptable to draw the line and mean it, it is required.” [Pinkola Estes, June 1997; Ballantine Books ISBN: 0345409876]
Yes, learning some of the things we need to learn to protect ourselves and those we love from the predation of pathologicals can be scary. And it may seem that we are scaring others (like our children) to tell them about these things. But it has to be done. Those who wake up and give attention to the TRUTH usually do experience Fear. But Courage is the quality of facing Fear and moving through it into Light. It is the quality that allows one to achieve the Quest, the Holy Grail, the Philosopher’s Stone. It is the quality of the Knight. Pinkola Estes tells us (paraphrased):
“[Fear is a] wake-up call [that says]: Pay attention! Something has gone radically amiss in the outer world. ….[Fear] serves as a warning to all of us — if you don’t pay attention, something will be stolen from you! The dreamer needs to be initiated so that whatever has been robbing her can be recognized, apprehended, and dealt with.
And, in terms of Vampire lore, that means driving a stake into the heart and cutting off the head.
Interesting that in the tale of Perseus, he had to use a mirror and cut of the head of Medusa and was given certain magical powers that helped him in his quest, including invisibility, flight, etc. The same elements are present in that myth, though in different relationship, as are present in the Vampire myths.
Killing the vampire is always and ever the same. Naturally, the Jungian writers don’t talk about real, incurable pathologicals in a direct way. But they do talk about what we must do for ourselves.
Killing the psychic vampire always involves reliving old emotions, acknowledging all we fear, what we really seek, and grieving over our losses which leads to rejoicing in the knowledge we have gained from those lessons.
We find that we have to make an ongoing, day by day, minute by minute, series of ethical choices between continuing to transform ourselves, or surrendering again to the vampire.
Killing the vampire means we must return in our minds to the moment when we couldn’t find love and settled instead for exploitation. And we have to make that choice again and again and again. We can win against the vampire only if we are willing to consciously fight the battle not just once, but daily.
We even find this in the Bible: “This day is set before thee good and evil: choose.”
Killing the vampire also means to recall to ourselves the image of the Internal Beloved. This will feel like we are losing a real loved one in the real world. Many people find this to be the most difficult; they will do anything to preserve the external relationship onto which they have projected the Internal Beloved. When we recall this part of ourselves to ourselves, and get out of the relationship, it may feel like we are killing a vital part of ourselves. The fact that our early interactions were packaged as a lie means that we subconsciously created a mask to hide the face of the monster so we didn’t have to face the bloody truth.
The mask we created may have been an image of the Beloved Mother or Father or Child or Lover or Leader ”“ all of which archetypes we carry in our hearts. So, in order to kill the vampire, we have to focus on the TRUTH behind this mask that WE have created via projection. This means that we have to give up our belief that the mask EVER reflected anything about the vampire at all.
In other words, we have to give up something we never really had. Funny that this is harder than giving up something we actually do have!
In one sense, this is very similar to dealing with the death of a loved one, though it goes so much deeper. We will go through the same stages of loss that Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified. We will rage, grieve, deny, rage, accept, grieve, rage and cry some more. This may need to be done for some time until the loss has been completely metabolized, until the poison of the Vampire contamination is out of our psychic system.
At the same time that we go through these normal stages of loss, we go through something else: we must embrace the painful truth that caused us to create the mask for the Vampire in the first place. We must face the lack inside us that led us into illusion, the ignorance and lack of foundational knowledge about life, love and our purpose for being. This is terribly difficult. When you face the fact that nothing in your life, your parents, your religion, your society, ever taught you what you needed to know to protect yourself from this kind of predation, you feel betrayed in a way that is difficult to bear.
But, there is hope here. The illusions that we created to hide ourselves from the truth can tell us something important about what we need in the way of mothering, fathering, friendship, and love. What we thought we had in the external mother, father, friend, or lover is the image of the energy we need to find in reality, not only in our external relationships, but in our internal experience of ourselves, how we see ourselves, how we feel about ourselves.
So, when we find ourselves raging with grief, crying bitterly for what never was, but we believed against all evidence was true, we can figure out what it was we were expecting from this other person, and use it as a map to find what we really need and find ways to “go there.”
For example: if your mother was vampiric and your mask for the pathological relationship was that it was “nourishing” as your mother was not, then you must begin to nourish yourself as you think your mother ought to have done.
If your mask for the pathological relationship was related to your father, and you feel that a father ought to teach a child, and you were not properly taught, then you must begin to instruct yourself as you think your father ought to have done.
In all ways, you must find what you are lacking and discover ways to manifest those archetypes of the Inner Beloved not only towards others, but towards ourselves. We need to learn how to be our own best friends.
Killing the vampire presents another big difficulty: if the amount of vampirism in our past has been extreme (as in childhood), we probably don’t have very good ideas of what positive, loving energy really is. We have to search for a model and this is very difficult if the people in our early lives exploited us. We will tend to carry this blind spot a very long time and need the guidance and advice of those who have healthy relationships.
Vampire lore also says that the vampire’s victim must be an active party to the monster’s destruction. If a vampire is bleeding away our psychic energy, then it is up to us to deactivate it and reclaim our rightful power. If we wait for someone else to do it, then we are very likely going to be perpetuating vampirism.
Only the Vampire’s victim can kill the vampire.
This may seem like a heavy burden, but the very act of deactivating the vampiric predator and reclaiming our own power is integral to healing our wounds. If we wait for someone else to fix things, we are again putting power into the hands of others. And if we do nothing but probe the wound endlessly, we only keep it open and bleeding. Our wounding is, ultimately, the fault of the vampire, but the wound is OURS and its healing is our responsibility ”“ and so is killing the vampire.
And that doesn’t mean that we do it alone ”“ no, no, no! We are told in the lore, the myths, the legends, to seek stalwart allies, loyal friends, wise teachers, and so on.
That is, effectively, what all of you are doing here: killing vampires.
I hope that these books and thoughts and excerpts will be helpful to someone, it has certainly helped me to understand the more spiritual aspects of the problems of dealing with pathologicals. And, as I said, Hort’s and Pinkola-Estes’ books are just simply treasure troves of healing perspectives and ideas. In the end, it’s all about normal (as in non-pathological) people helping other normal people to not only heal, but to learn, and to teach others.
Dear Free,
Thank you for your welcome back. I had been here off and on reading and trying to find the will power to say so long to this man who insisted we were friends. I realize now, through posts here and from forming my own mental image of him, that I do have the power and it’s brought such a relief to my mind.
I’ve found that guilt can be a destroyer of our peace. But I’ve found that guilt that comes, not from something we did, but from what others want us to feel, isn’t guilt. Duh! It’s blame. And because I’ve always been a sensitive person and never wanting to hurt another, when I speak up for myself and put this man in his place, he will turn it around and make it my problem. I’m just tired of the whole push/pull debacle. I can’t deal with another man who is so insecure and has to constantly prove his manhood.
This man in question didn’t get to do that with me, only because he just didn’t play his hand the right way. I was waiting for him to do the man part and make a way for me, and I find out that he is a man who wants to control, but wants the woman to pay. They seem to have a way of making a woman believe it was her idea.
I’ve thrown myself on God’s mercy as I had no idea that so many men could be so deceitful. I think I might be turning asexual, as the thought of having another man touch me, knowing where he’s been and where his mind is, leaves me cold. I don’t think I can do that again. I could tolerate it maybe, were my kids in my vicinity, but they have all moved away, and frankly I’m tired of playing house. It’s like this scripted play, and no one gave me my lines, so I ad lib, only to find out everything I said, was twisted and turned on me. I, too, Free, share my inner thoughts with God or those here, who aren’t going to judge me or prejudge me. I don’t want to be where I have to perform to be accepted. I want to be wanted for me. The person and not just the woman.
I’ve always been a literal person and took God’s words literally and thought all who called themselves Christian did the same. So I would talk and spill my guts thinking we were on the same level, only to find out that I was being manipulated and what was said to me wasn’t meant. I find I’ve been “dissed” the most of my life. Disillusioned, disappointed, disregarded, dismayed, dishonored, and the most of the other dis negatives. I kept waiting for my turn. Today wasn’t it so maybe tomorrow will be. I’ve quit waiting and with God’s help, He made a way of freedom from that mode of living. Submission isn’t subservience. That’s what was happening in my life.
I waited for the man to do his part and when it didn’t happen, I had no choice but to do mine. And frankly I love being independent. The men in my life have made themselves dispensable due to their selfish ambitions that didn’t include me. And if I’m not included in the future, there’s not much sense in investing in the present and putting a lot of effort into a relationship.
But oh have the scales fallen from my eyes due to all these happenings. Reality can really stink at times, but I’d much rather be here, than to have surprises again. The only way I will take a surprise is if it comes wrapped beautifully and I know what’s inside. I know I sound jaded, and probably am, but I refuse to be at the mercy of a man and expected to be something he won’t be. The man I met that I truly believed was of God, was wrapped so nicely. I figured if he took such good care of the outside, the inside must be too. Such naive thinking. But I was thinking out of my brokenness and despair.
But that was a very dark time of my life and I don’t ever want to go through that again. I am here and for those who choose to stay in their miserable existence, I say count me out. I have to wonder how many other women are living as we all have, but haven’t found the strength and courage to say that’s enough? I know for me, I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life in a negative quagmire. Something had to give, but I sure never thought it would take on the form it did. But I guess I needed that and I can pass my experience along and share with others likewise. I just wish I had all of you to listen to many years ago. I could have saved myself a lot of grief. But then again, maybe not. Maybe I had to find out for myself, in order to become the woman I am today. I finally love myself and God says to love others as you love yourself. I thought I did, but found out because I wasn’t loved for me, I didn’t love me.
I realized that I had my identity stolen. I was my father’s daughter, my husband’s wife, my children’s mother, and I was lost in all that. I actually thank all those who threw me away and treated me like they did. It didn’t break me, but made me who I am today. I say to all of them, “How do you like me now”? But all the credit goes to God for hearing my cries and bringing me relief. Only those who write here understand the anguish, then the relief. It’s good to know you all. We do have worth. And when I’m out somewhere and I hear a man berating his woman, I want to go up to her and say here’s what you do. I feel for her and see her downcast eyes and it’s me all over again. Never again. So glad to have found this site and some others that allowed me to see inside the minds of these people. Not a pretty sight. I felt for a time that I was judging them. That bothered me that I wasn’t taking them at face value. But I was getting nothing from the relationship and just always felt there was something wrong. And there was. People really aren’t just people. I think I will go back to being an observer. I’ll watch from the sidelines. Much safer.
To me it is so obvious that the “healing” we all must do comprises so many aspects–emotion, logic, spirituality, etc etc. none of which, by itself, will lead to complete healing, but all together, they reach in and put salve on our “wounded” souls and minds.
On another blog a woman blogged back to me “don’t give me your philosophy 101, just tell me how to heal!” It reminded me of a diabetic patient once that I was explaining diet, exercise and medication to, and she screamed at me “Don’t talk to me about this diet crap and exercise, just tell me how to keep my sugar under control and give me more medicine”—LOL Neither of these women saw how multifaceted the “healing” was, it wasn’t just ONE aspect, if it were we would be “fine” as soon as the P was gone out of our lives. Don’t we wish it was that simple. LOL
As we start to resolve our pain about the P-relationship(s) we realize that there were earlier dysfunctions or earlier P-relationships that we have not dealt properly with, so we look back and try to get closure on those too. The healing is not just a DESTINATION. We can’t wake up one day and say “I’m all healed” now I can take it easy. The healing is a life long journey and always will be, the journey, not a destination, but just like “good health” is relative and never “perfect” so will our healing be. We can be “well healed” and still have more improvement to make, but still be “healthy” and feeling well.
Healing is like pain, it is what we perceive it to be, it is a scale on a continuum of from “very sick” to “healthy” or somewhere in between. Sometimes we will have “set backs” but as long as we are making progress toward the positive end of the spectrum over all, that is the point I think that matters most. While there may still be some ways to go to where we want to be, we can look back and see just how far we have already come. Even from the posts here I can see the growth in almost everyone here, and that is so uplifting for me. Gives me more hope and incentive to keep on keeping on, to make more progress and let this horrible series of experiences finally be a LESSON LEARNED. We’ve all paid a high price for our “degrees” from the University of Hard Knocks, so I think it behoves us to educate another generation of students as well as we can. Like all “teachers” and coaches we can’t get out on the field and play the game for our students, but we can sure cheer them on and let them know the “rules of the game.” The better the know the rules, the better they can play the game and the more successful they will be.
I’m absolutely sure that my involvment with the Vampire Music Man was a HUGE wake up call for me. The final straw, blow forcing me to seek understanding, knowledge about why I continue to allow such people in my life. I’ve been too stubborn, thinking my way was the right way and as long as I maintained my goodness, I’ll be okay. No…not even close. I haven’t been paying attention to the actions, but on the words. And words uttered for deception have no meaning, no purpose for me. And the practical, logical expression…”If it seems too good to be true..it is” I never spoke nor repeated to myself when I should have. Now, I will. It’s necessary to my survival. To all of our survivals.
You’re right, OxD. That healing is “multifaceted” and may take a lifetime to pursue. There is no short cut, no easy way in maintaining a mental, spiritual, emotional, physical equilibrium. You can’t put a care bear band-aid on a 6 inch gash. It’s illogical, ridiculous to expect immediate satisfying results without spending time and effort on the situation(s), the reasons why we do the things we do.
I was thinking yesterday that I’m actually glad that I met and was hurt by the Music Man. He was a warning message for me to clean out my psyche, to seek out answers of how, why, when, and to also seek out women & men who who have similar struggles.
That’s when I found LoveFraud. I feel truly blessed to have found this awesome website and been able to chat and share with you most awesome people. I needed this real bad, more so than I realized when I read my first post 2 months ago. I thank each and every one of you for becoming powerful, supportive, caring influences in my life. I’ve never been a part of something as grand as this. I’m not alone. Truly amazes me.
THANK YOU JESUS! I LOVE YOU! 🙂
**shout out to James for recommending “Emotional Vampires:People who drain you dry”, Thanks! You Rock!**
Dear Laura, when I first met him, he was working 60 hours a week during the night alone as a night watchman, and lived alone in a squalid room and slept during the day and infact he had a skin problem, where his skin reacted with a kind of dermatitis when he went into the light or the sun. I felt sorry that he was living a hibernated life in the dark with no nourishment, so I encouraged him to get a day job and eat better. I wanted him to have a technicolour life and to experience joy in his life, he seemed so lifeless. On one level he had this strong maculinity but underneath he was easily tired and lacked stamina – he usually cried off arrangements because he was ‘tired’. I ws 13 years older and had much more energy than him.
I remember one night when we were in bed together, I awoke and looked at him and although he was breathing, he looked dead – I cant explain the shock of seeing this, he looked more dead than asleep. I now realise that I should have let him be and that in a sense I activated him and on one level I did not know what I was getting myself into. He allowed me to put all my energy into maintaining the relationship whilst he stepped in and out and I questionned him many times about his committment and I asked him quite alot whether he actually fancied me at all.
During the first 6 weeks I said to him that I thought he was wearing a mask and I sent him a text asking him if he had done something bad in his life. He reacted with rage and dumped me. A week later he sent me a letter saying that he had ‘demons in a box’ and that his anger was to do with his childhood abuse. So I excused him and took him back.
He sent me another text saying that he could be very dominant, and I was very concerned and asked him what he meant, but I cant remember his reply. I love colour and I started wearing black quite alot. he had this dark, sinister and forbidding kind of energy, but mixed with his masculinity there was an enticement about it. I had some quite nasty dreams when I was with him (and I never have bad dreams).
As I’ve been going about my day today, my thoughts keep straying to what I thought was. I think I’m healed, but find at times this glitch hits me, and it seems to tell me that I must be wrong and it really is me and not them. I feel this weakness come over me and say, please not again. I can’t weaken. I’ve come too far. Then I come back here and re-read. I see the ones in my life, pictured here. I read how you all came to that place. I was reading a book some time ago, and the character had his world torn from him through death of his wife and child. He was rather bitter and the writer had his character say, “I’m not sure if I’ve accepted all this or am resigned to it”. I found that rather profound.
I keep trying to determine if I’ve accepted that I’m left all alone or have I just resigned myself to, “this is as good as it gets”. Sometimes it’s like I don’t even know my own mind. I so admire those who have a plan and stick to it. I was swayed by someone who told me I was just what he prayed for. I think now he felt he settled and life was just too heavy for him. I had purpose raising my girls and it was a pleasure the whole way through. The only dark spot was trying to get their father to see we were a blessing and not a burden.
When I had lost all hope of ever having my dreams fulfilled is when I met the man I thought truly was a blessing. In my job, I meet literally hundreds of men looking for an apartment. I never realized that. But out of all these hundreds of men, this man is the only one who turned my head. But he has turned the heads of so many and now that I’m through all that, I can see clearly. When I start to weaken in his direction, I stop and tell myself that I’m just one of many and the way he looks at me, is the way he looks at all his women. I’m not an exclusive or special. He only cares because he wants me to care. He just wants to use me and that saddens me.
As bad as it is, I have lots of acquaintances, but very few friends, as those who called themselves my friend, just wanted me when they felt like it. That’s why it was so appealing to have this man call me his friend. I thought he’d be different. So I am alone, just like so many. But I’d rather be alone and have peace, than to be at someone’s mercy and role play.
And when I start feeling those old feelings come on me, I come here and get a refreshing. At least those here know of the angst and the bittersweetness. I never had any idea that so much trouble could come out of love and a sexual attraction. I guess it will never stop. I just wish I could figure out the why.
Dear Laura, another thing I just remembered, is that when I first met him, I compared him to ‘Spike’ in Buffy and he told me that his sister liked Spike too. Buffy had at one point been in a relationship with Spike, because although he had been essentially a vampire, he was working for the ‘good guys’. My ex said if we lived together he wanted an Alsation dog, I said that I could not possibly live with a ‘wolf’ in the house. My consciousness WAS firing on all cylinders
I find so much strength in reading everybodys post. This has been so different than breaking up with someone or two mature adult’s realizing this just ain’t workin. This website has saved my life, I try not to blog when I am really down. I am better and yes PERK you are right it is so much better than when he was here. I felt weak and ashamed when I first started blogging here. But reading all your post, and everything I can read and learn from and finally understanding why I was so confused. Finding answers. Dealing with the aftermath, and making huge changes in me. Life is coming back. But there is just something in me that is (broken) not sure if that will ever change…..thanks everybody that cares……..