Another Christmas is here. Again. Already. Some galactic entity must have revved up the planetary clock, because Christmases seem to be coming faster and faster. Even though we didn’t all evaporate on December 21, 2012 with the end of the Mayan calendar, we seem to be hurtling into the future at breakneck speed.
I’ve been dealing with holiday stress, such as running late while making hors d’oeuvres for a family party, and trying to figure out what gifts to buy for my teenage nephews. But that’s easy stress.
I am no longer pining for someone to spend the holidays with—an emotional void that made me vulnerable to the sociopath. And I am no longer going to family parties and pretending that life is wonderful, when in truth I was terrified that my whole world would soon collapse, as I felt during the Christmases I spent with my sociopathic ex-husband.
Compared to the emotional upheaval of those years, normal holiday stress is a piece of fruitcake.
The deep emotional wounds of the past are healed. Today, my non-sociopathic husband and I share a love that’s real, not a mirage. Now, during the holidays, all I really have to do is slow down and appreciate my good fortune.
I can feel peace at Christmas.
That’s what I wish for all Lovefraud readers—peace at Christmas. If you’re already there, I’m thrilled for you. If you’re still working towards it, please keep going. Give yourself the gift of letting go.
Peace on Earth begins with peace within our own hearts.
The break up from the spath is definitely different than normal break ups. I actually had what I thought was a normal break up with him early on. He started acting distant and eventually told me he was feeling extreme guilt about betraying his wife and that we needed to ‘cool things’ for a while. I was a little hurt, but only a little. The cooling period lasted a little over a week, and he was back in pursuit of me. It was only after I learned what he really was and that it had all an illusion. Then the why me’s, and the how didn’t I know, and the other questions came. And that’s when the trauma really set in…for me at least.
Cherith10,
I am very sorry to hear about the situation you and your daughter and your grandson are in. I don’t know what to say except that I will be thinking about you and hoping for the very best for you. Like you said, this blog really is a life-line.
Moving past the facade,
I understand completely what you’re saying about the trauma setting in after realizing that it was an illusion. It’s reassuring to me to find out that I am really not alone in this…although it’s terrible to realize that there are so many spaths out there. It makes me shudder.
And Truthspeak, you write many true things, but the one thing you said that bears repeating is, “And if someone tries to make me associate with an abuser, then I don’t need THAT person in my life either. What kind of person wants you to associate with someone who has HURT YOU SO MUCH? Not someone who really loves and cares about YOUR welfare and wishes.”
The most hurtful thing is that I may really be alone–and that I haven’t been respected very much in spite of the many years of work and giving toward this family. In fact, for the first time in my life, I am living alone. It’s an odd experience. In some ways, I don’t mind time alone—but I get lonely. And I evaluate my life and feel despair. And then comes the thought that I am to blame. I’m alone because I deserve to be alone. It’s a spiritual battle, feeling forsaken by God Himself.
Dear Cherith,
Have you thought about contacting child protective services? Or contact some groups who have problems like you do with your daughter and grandson. (head shaking here) many parents and grandparents here share your problem as well. Trying to protect a child from a parent (whether you are the other parent or a grandparent) It is tough. Milo is raising her grandson the son of her drug addicted, hooker daughter. He is a special needs child and it is a full time job doing it, but she is succeeding. Sometimes getting custody is difficult but can work. Think about ALL your options. God bless and keep you and your grandson safe.
Cherith10, I’m so sorry that you’re feeling blame and that you somehow “deserve to be alone.” Sweetie, nobody “deserves” being exploited, regardless of whatever vulnerabilities they might have. Is it reasonable to blame the owner of a car if they’ve left their wallet on the front seat with the doors unlocked and some nefarious asshole opens the door and takes the wallet? NO! Of course, it isn’t. Is it reasonable to tell the victim of a violent rape that she “deserved it” because she was walking to her mailbox alone and in the dark? Of course, it isn’t! What makes your victimization any less valid than the previous examples?
I’m also “alone” in that I’ve not been without family or a partner for nearly my entire 50+ years. My youngest son lives with me, but I’m alone in this battle. And, we’re not being PUNISHED for being without a partner, Cherith10 – we are learning that we don’t NEED a partner to be a valid and whole human being. It’s a process of learning that sucks the big kielbasa, and I don’t like this lesson one little bit. But, it’s something that I need to learn – I am OKAY without being connected to someone at the hip! I will BE OKAY, in due time.
You are going to be fine, too. It’s a long process and it isn’t easy or pleasant, but 5 months from now you will feel quite differently and not even notice how far you’ve moved down your Healing Path. I promise this is true. A year ago, I wanted to fall asleep and just not wake up. Sometimes, I still feel that way, but not as intensely nor frequently. Little by little, I’m recovering. And, you will, too.
Brightest blessings