Another Christmas is here. Again. Already. Some galactic entity must have revved up the planetary clock, because Christmases seem to be coming faster and faster. Even though we didn’t all evaporate on December 21, 2012 with the end of the Mayan calendar, we seem to be hurtling into the future at breakneck speed.
I’ve been dealing with holiday stress, such as running late while making hors d’oeuvres for a family party, and trying to figure out what gifts to buy for my teenage nephews. But that’s easy stress.
I am no longer pining for someone to spend the holidays with—an emotional void that made me vulnerable to the sociopath. And I am no longer going to family parties and pretending that life is wonderful, when in truth I was terrified that my whole world would soon collapse, as I felt during the Christmases I spent with my sociopathic ex-husband.
Compared to the emotional upheaval of those years, normal holiday stress is a piece of fruitcake.
The deep emotional wounds of the past are healed. Today, my non-sociopathic husband and I share a love that’s real, not a mirage. Now, during the holidays, all I really have to do is slow down and appreciate my good fortune.
I can feel peace at Christmas.
That’s what I wish for all Lovefraud readers—peace at Christmas. If you’re already there, I’m thrilled for you. If you’re still working towards it, please keep going. Give yourself the gift of letting go.
Peace on Earth begins with peace within our own hearts.
KatyDid
Echoing the wise words of Donna. This Christmas “Give yourself the gift of letting go.”
As a solo woman, Christmas is hard for me. I have no family, in a strange town, no friends here. And I don’t want anyone to know. I am NOBODY’s Xmas charity case. So I have a little Christmas for myself, to connect to God, and appreciate his blessings on Me.
On Christmas Day, after Christmas music, special coffee in special mug, croissants and tangerine, opening my present, I watch movies.
One that I like for my LF MOVIE is Bridget Jones. Esp for that part near the end, where Hugh Grant is saying You and ME Bridget, we should be together b/c we understand each other. And that moment DAWNS on her, “That’s Not Good Enough for me” she says. Those moments are MY SURROGATE AWAKENING.
Yup Yup Yup. Even IF my spath chose to attach to me (luckily he didn’t), It’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. Isn’t that why we disagreed with our spaths? B/c what they did, how they treated us, what they thought of us…. was NOT good enough.
All my BEST, TRULLY! I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST (which means I wish you FREE from whom would diminish/harm you) Katy
lovingthem
Donna, I’m so happy you found peace in your life. I hope I will be there one day too. Thanks again for starting this site to help people like me to know that we’re not alone.
KatyDid,
I know what it’s like to be solo. It’s hard, but it was harder being married to a sociopath. I’m also away from family, but I do have friends. I hope you will have some good friends in your life soon. Friends can really help to fill that void without making you feel like an Xmas charity case, but I do know what you mean by that. Enjoy your coffee, croissants, and movies. I just got a $50 check in the mail today. Maybe I should buy myself a present. Hmmm.. or maybe I should put it away for my next trip to the grocery store. In any case, I am thankful. It’s Christmas and Christmas is about love, Jesus’ love for us. Yes, a time to connect with our God and reflect upon His love and blessings.
Ox Drover
one of my favorite poems is “Listen” by Ogden Nash who I thought wrote “funny” poems til I read this.
Ultimately we are ALONE inside our skulls….no matter how much we love and are attached to others outside ourselves. It is GOOD to bond to others, to love others, but it is also good to appreciate our own solitary state.
Listen…
There is a knocking in the skull,
An endless silent shout
Of something beating on a wall,
And crying, “Let me out!”
That solitary prisoner
Will never hear reply.
No comrade in eternity
Can hear the frantic cry.
No heart can share the terror
That haunts his monstrous dark.
The light that filters through the chinks
No other eye can mark.
When flesh is linked with eager flesh,
And words run warm and full,
I think that he is loneliest then,
The captive in the skull.
Caught in a mesh of living veins,
In cell of padded bone,
He loneliest is when he pretends
That he is not alone.
We’d free the incarcerate race of man
That such a doom endures
Could only you unlock my skull,
Or I creep into yours.
Ogden Nash
KatyDid
lovingthem
I am a practical person and I am not stupid, groceries are DELISH to have!
BUT…. I hope you buy yourself a gift with your $50. Seems to me it arrived on a special day, like a blessing and you must not ignore it for the blessing it is. I’d like to think of you honoring yourself by buying Something special, that every time you see it or use it or wear it (whichever fits what it is), that you feel FILLED with awareness of WHO YOU WERE – A wonderful Special Person – this Christmas 2012.
Best, Katy
Stargazer
Merry Xmas to everyone here. After many lonely Xmases, I’m glad to be spending it with a few good friends. It’s been a wonderful holiday season filled with salsa parties, dancing, good friends (who are becoming more like family), and my newest passion – karaoke. Because I haven’t much money, I didn’t get into all the spending this year. I played the Jewish card (I’m Jewish by birth), and just opted out of all the stress and hoopla. Just spending quality time with friends. It’s been very peaceful. I am becoming the quintessential Libra social butterfly I was always meant to be, and I’m really enjoying it. This is who I am. I am not the recluse who hid in my room for so many years.
Katy, I LOVE the part you said about a man’s behavior not being good enough. I recently said that to a man about his behaviors, and it felt really good to take my power back. This man has been giving me mixed messages because he is not over his divorce. It felt SO good to tell him I am NOT that woman who will just be his friend as he talks about the other women he is dating or will wait around for him to be ready. I deserve a man who really wants to be with me and who is ready to give his heart. I was so proud of myself for not sitting around waiting for him to come around, and for not letting him jerk me around. This is really new for me.
I have become so much stronger since I’ve started dealing with the men in the salsa scene and have defined my self-worth and what I will not settle for. The best part is that I have come to love myself more, even with my flaws and insecurities. I have a different attitude toward myself. Instead of feeling like I am “not ready” or “not healed enough” or having so much work to do on myself, I have shifted mental states completely. I have come to embrace my insecurities and weaknesses and to love myself in spite of them. I feel I have great value as a woman and as a human being in spite of the issues I have. And I’m projecting that feeling of self-worth out into the atmosphere, especially with men. I say to them (mostly in my head but occasionally out loud)….I may not be the most confident, the most successful, the greatest dancer, or the most fascinating woman, but I am pretty great the way I am. I am lovable and valuable, even with my jealousy, insecurity, all my numerous wardrobe malfunctions, and lack of common sense sometimes. I am learning to accept all of these things, and I am now attracting people who see my good qualities and also accept my flaws.
I have also learned how to be vulnerable with a man, and this is the biggest lesson I’ve learned. I’m always trying to guard myself and protect myself, often playing games, which served me well in my earlier life, especially during the spath days. But it now feels good to share my genuine feelings with men. It’s scary but it feels really good. It’s had the surprising effect of bringing them closer. And yet, I’m not chasing after any men. I’m letting them come to me. For instance, I recently met a man at the salsa club who called me the next weekend and asked me to meet him at a salsa party across town. It felt good to say, “I’ve already made several trips across town, and Friday (tonight) is my date night. I’d prefer for a man to pick me up and take me out.” To my great surprise, he told me that he would love to do that! I think a strong man really appreciates a strong woman who knows what she wants. And I am becoming that woman.
So yay for strong women (and men)!!! I wish you all peace, joy, and good health this holiday season and for the new year.
Eralyn
Happy Holidays to all of you. I want to thank Donna for giving us this avenue of support and sharing. Thank you to all of you for sharing your different and sometimes same experiences and most of all your wisdom.
We have all been through some very trying times and are fighting hard to come out the other side however we may get there.
This Christmas, I found I could think to wrap a gift! My imagination and creativity are waiting to be released again. I am broke and dealing with the wreckage of my plight and financially, physically and emotionally I see the damage BUT I see the progress too. I can taste food and want to eat! I want to give when for the past few years I was so depleated I had nothing left. I wondered if those feelings were gone for good and time has proven to be the great healer, yet again. Thank God!
I hope no matter where you all are this season that whatever crumbs of happiness and/or joy is around you, you are able to grab it tightly and let it grow.
I wish everyone healing and love all around you.
Merry Christmas and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
((((hugs)))) With All Of My Heart, Eralyn.
Louise
Oxy:
Wow, I love that poem. Thanks for that. It is so true, isn’t it? We can have so many family and friends, husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends, whatever, but when it comes down to it and we are in bed at night with our quiet selves, it’s all about what is in our heads. Powerful.
lovingthem
Thanks Katy. I really could use a dvd player. Mine has bitten the dust! We don’t have cable (can’t afford it and are probably better off without it). The kids and I would really enjoy some movies once in a while, so maybe…..
Stargazer, You were so wise to tell that man that you will not just be his friend and wait around for him to be ready because all that does is allow them to string you along and have his cake and eat it too. Good for you! You deserve someone who will cherish you, flaws and all!! Thanks for your post. It has reminded me that I need to not be so hard on myself.
Ox Drover
Eralyn, powerful points!
Tonya007
Hello All,
This is my first time blogging (ever).
I’m currently going through a divorce with a spath. This is the first Christmas I have got to spend the holidays with my family and friends since entering into the relationship with the spath. I am so thankful to my family and friends that have remained by my side and supported me through this crazy relationship.
Today, I got a letter from the spath’s attorney. Who I think is a spath also!:o/ (jk) – The hashness and cruilty of the letter made me feel like my spath had wrote it himself. The worst thing is that when I start feeling better, my spath seems to still be able to envoke anxiety. One week he sends me a text at 1am on a Sunday morning (He knows I leave my phone on at night because of my elderly parents); the next week I see where he is looking up my linkedin profile; the next week I see him drive by my apartment. THe restraining order is not working.
I feel like I have been touched by an evil that I am not going to be able to completely get rid of.
Tonya