Another Christmas is here. Again. Already. Some galactic entity must have revved up the planetary clock, because Christmases seem to be coming faster and faster. Even though we didn’t all evaporate on December 21, 2012 with the end of the Mayan calendar, we seem to be hurtling into the future at breakneck speed.
I’ve been dealing with holiday stress, such as running late while making hors d’oeuvres for a family party, and trying to figure out what gifts to buy for my teenage nephews. But that’s easy stress.
I am no longer pining for someone to spend the holidays with—an emotional void that made me vulnerable to the sociopath. And I am no longer going to family parties and pretending that life is wonderful, when in truth I was terrified that my whole world would soon collapse, as I felt during the Christmases I spent with my sociopathic ex-husband.
Compared to the emotional upheaval of those years, normal holiday stress is a piece of fruitcake.
The deep emotional wounds of the past are healed. Today, my non-sociopathic husband and I share a love that’s real, not a mirage. Now, during the holidays, all I really have to do is slow down and appreciate my good fortune.
I can feel peace at Christmas.
That’s what I wish for all Lovefraud readers—peace at Christmas. If you’re already there, I’m thrilled for you. If you’re still working towards it, please keep going. Give yourself the gift of letting go.
Peace on Earth begins with peace within our own hearts.
MoonD. My pleasure. Truly. I enjoy what a gentleman you are. It’s fun. and I like intelligent men so I enjoy that pleasure from you as well. Happy New Year too. Night.
I wish you all a peaceful christmas
A merry and peaceful Christmas to us all.
STARGAZER, I’m glad you’re having a wonderful experience dancing. I will probably return to dancing (just not where he is) when I feel strong.
My ex-psychopath has been in the dance community here for 18 years. He is deeply undercover. Like many p-paths, he has surrounded himself with many “friends” and a good reputation. He’s a pro who offers his targets fee private lessons. He targets new dancers who are vulnerable and who no one there knows, and when they disappear no one misses them; it was just another gal who tried it out and decided it wasn’t for her. Or maybe they just don’t want to upset the apple cart, you know?
He said it best himself: “People who come to dance are lonely and don’t have much of a social life. Some are very vulnerable, and others have defenses it takes longer to break down. You were completely vulnerable; that’s why I was able to bond with you so quickly and easily.”
This man and I danced together for 2 months and were romantically, spiritually, physically and intellectually attracted without ever having kissed. That’s how he became my “soul mate,” and how it all went straight to hell. By the time we went on our first date, I was so in love with him that the groundwork was done. He was willing to take the time to establish a strong bond in the idealization phase. The dance floor is the perfect place to fall in love.
Please understand I’m NOT saying this is what’s happening to you; I’m just saying please be careful. I was totally blindsided.
Katy,
“My husband made LOTS of liasons while telling women that in order to keep others from getting jealous, they needed to be platonic while in class.”
Yep. They’ve got it MADE if they’re married. Mine didn’t wear a ring or tell me he was married until I asked, and it was too late by then; I was hooked. But it was the perfect racket for him! We couldn’t act like a couple…which made it easy for him to pick up whomever he wanted.
When he was ready to move on to his next target, he simply told me we were dancing too much and he didn’t want people to get suspicious, ’cause suddenly he did care about what people thought, and did care about his marriage. So then I sat there on the sidelines watching him dance non-stop with his next victim. He told me the problem was my “insecurity,” (not his switch to a new dancer/lover, which of course he denied with gaslighting).
Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays to the LF community! +j (message from the Peanut!)
Sending thanks and warm wishes for peace to all, Merry Christmas and may this next year bring peace to all.
Still working towards recovery and restoration from the evil spaths who damaged with attempts to destroy our family.
Arianna, I can’t speak for others but I have never personally met a spath in the 25 years I’ve been dancing at various venues. However, I have gotten hurt a few times – mostly in my younger days – there.
Based on my own experiences, I don’t worry about meeting spaths in the salsa community. I’m sure there are some there, just like they are everywhere. I think if you are genuinely afraid of attracting a spath, it’s best not to be out dating and flirting – you may not be ready. Fear attracts predators. There are forms of dance – like Zumba – where you can get your dance fix without all the drama with men. I mostly do Zumba throughout the week, and just go dancing two nights as a rule. I have not dated anyone from the salsa community yet. I’m open to it though if someone really special comes along. My dance partner really gets my attention. I love the man he is. But he’s not ready to date, so I just pull back emotionally and let him know I’m not available to “practice” on. I’m too good for that. Salsa does seem to attract a lot of divorced people who use the dancing relationships as a substitute for dating. This is a good enough reason for me to have my guard up. For me, all of these politics with men have really helped me build my self-confidence and self-esteem. It’s been very positive for me, though very challenging at times. Once I realized where my boundaries were, it became much easier. In the end, I can never drop out because I love the dancing so much. That’s what it’s really about for me. I’m in a class that goes for 15 months. I’ve been in it for almost 6 months now, so I’m a solid intermediate salsa dancer. I feel committed to stay the course, no matter what, because I want to be a competent salsa dancer. I won’t let any dramas with men scare me off my course. That way I can go anywhere in the world and walk into a salsa club and dance well enough to get by.
I think it is really up to us as women to set our own boundaries with the men in our lives. Otherwise, most men will just carry out their own agendas. It doesn’t necessarily make them spaths; they are just mostly clueless about what women want or need. I do think a real man respects a strong woman who sets limits and puts him in his place. This is one of the ways you can tell a man is not a spath – when you set a limit and he respects it, rather than trying to tear it down. But even the best of men will behave opportunistically at times, if they can. It’s best to know what you will and will not tolerate, what you want and don’t want.
Tonya,
Welcome to LF. I just survived my divorce battle with my ex spath. It truly was an exercise in survival. And yes, many of these lawyers are spaths too. I’m not sure about my ex’s attorney (he may be) but the first attorney I hired was a spath too. He ripped me off to the tune of $25,000 while doing nothing to protect my interests. I had to fire him 6 weeks before the trial and find someone else. It was a horrendous experience. I was trying to divorce the devil and I ended up hiring a demon to represent me. That’s what it felt like. I still feel traumatized by the evil that I allowed into my life. But I escaped, by the skin of my teeth, but I feel like my divorce was in fact a “rescue operation.” It went all wrong in so many ways, but I am free. I never thought I would be.
And yes, your soon to be ex-spath will find ways to continue to control, intimidate, and terrify you during the proceedings. Mine sure did, and it ended up costing me everything I had financially, but I got out and I got my kids.
I hope you have a very good lawyer. There’s a book on amazon which may help you. I wish I would have known about it when I was going through my divorce. It’s called, “Splitting, Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist.” The author is Randy Kreger. I didn’t get to read it but I read the reviews and it looks like it could really be helpful in divorcing a spath.
Make sure your lawyer understands spaths and is working for YOU! How did you find this lawyer? Have you checked him or her out to make sure he or she is reputable? Are there children involved? If not, THANK GOD!. If so, all the more reason you need an excellent lawyer who understands what you are dealing with.
Keep coming back here to read. It will really help you learn how to cope and how to deal with him. I’ve learned so much here about how to deal with my ex spath. The most important thing I learned was NO CONTACT. Change your cell phone number and don’t answer when he calls. You do not need to talk to him or read his texts ever. As long as I was taking his calls I was subjecting myself to his continuing threats, intimidation, and control tactics. Once I cut off contact, things got a lot better.
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year to the Wonderful Lovefraud Community! Thanks for your advice, insight, & time!!! I have come to learn so much, grow, and cope because of your support.
On a more personal note: May this Holiday Season bring the best for you Donna, Skylar, Truthspeaks, Oxy!!!
Peace and joy to you this Christmas, CaringAunt.