Another Christmas is here. Again. Already. Some galactic entity must have revved up the planetary clock, because Christmases seem to be coming faster and faster. Even though we didn’t all evaporate on December 21, 2012 with the end of the Mayan calendar, we seem to be hurtling into the future at breakneck speed.
I’ve been dealing with holiday stress, such as running late while making hors d’oeuvres for a family party, and trying to figure out what gifts to buy for my teenage nephews. But that’s easy stress.
I am no longer pining for someone to spend the holidays with—an emotional void that made me vulnerable to the sociopath. And I am no longer going to family parties and pretending that life is wonderful, when in truth I was terrified that my whole world would soon collapse, as I felt during the Christmases I spent with my sociopathic ex-husband.
Compared to the emotional upheaval of those years, normal holiday stress is a piece of fruitcake.
The deep emotional wounds of the past are healed. Today, my non-sociopathic husband and I share a love that’s real, not a mirage. Now, during the holidays, all I really have to do is slow down and appreciate my good fortune.
I can feel peace at Christmas.
That’s what I wish for all Lovefraud readers—peace at Christmas. If you’re already there, I’m thrilled for you. If you’re still working towards it, please keep going. Give yourself the gift of letting go.
Peace on Earth begins with peace within our own hearts.
As for dancing venues being P-trolling haunts… it seems logical that certain dancing areas, depending on the dance, are so.
My parents have salsa danced for many years. Plenty of people there were indeed on the look-out there for a possible partner, and regarded it in the same sense as internet dating sites are the hope of singles to meet “the one”. If my parents happened to mention me (a single woman in her 30s) they were sure to have men inquire or suggest to bring me along sometime. This would be something my parents would inform me about with a smile, but plainly expecting me to avoid ever joining them to a dance evening on that account alone already.
Just like a great deal of people on dating sites are just normal people hoping to find a partner, it is so for dancing venues. But exactly because it is a hoped-for venue to meet “the one”, it would be a preferred hunting ground for predators.
It is for that reason that I have always intuitively preferred African Dancing. It’s great exercise and workout, superb bodily expression, good grounding tactic, but void of either women or men dancing in the hope of meeting their partner. Personally, when I dance there is just the rhythm and music and movement where I prefer to lose myself in, kinda like someone doing a marathon gets into a zen state after pain treshholds have been reached and still continues. I can not think of men, attraction and flirting when dancing. I’m just oblivious to it, and prefer it like that.
African dancing is so much fun and a really great workout! I used to do it and I loved it. Zumba combines different ethnic dances and doesn’t involve men or romance. Salsa was a natural offshoot of that for me because I wanted the partner type dancing. Yes, it makes sense that players are trolling dance clubs looking for easy prey. There are a lot of players in the salsa world. But I don’t know what percentage of them are spaths – I’m pretty good at spotting the players, but I’ve never met a spath in these venues. I dance with some gorgeous men – some are in my class. I enjoy the dance but I know they are players, so I would never date them. Just like normal people are corrupted by power, normal men can turn into players just be becoming really good dancers. They end up having this power over women, and it changes them. For the immature types, there is always a woman out there who is prettier, sexier, and a better dancer. So they continually move from woman to woman, breaking hearts along the way, just because they can. Many of these men are nothing to look at and were shy retiring nerds before they learned to dance. But they become corrupted by the power they have over women when they become strong male leads. It is a recognized phenomenon in the salsa world, sadly. It is a catch 22, too, because women want to dance with strong male leads, and these are the men who make us feel feminine and who turn us on. So it’s true, we have to be very careful and see it for what it is. My dance partner is one of these strong male leads. I started falling for him, until I felt like I was leaning too far forward. Then I just pulled back. I know he really likes me, and I know I’m very special to him. We’ve had a lot of romance together – he accompanied me to my company holiday party. We held hands and slow danced all night. Everyone there and everyone in our class thinks we are a couple. That was one of the most romantic nights in my life. But I recognize that he can’t give me everything I want from a man. And he is possibly on the path of becoming a player because of his huge dedication to the dancing and all the women he must dance with to become really good. So I have made it very clear that I’m not available to him in any way besides a dance partner, unless he steps up his game with me. Period. Fortunately, he cares enough not to want to take advantage of me. We have never even kissed. I have learned to compartmentalize the romantic part with him. In some way, I have learned to be like a man. But I don’t have any expectation of him that anything more will come of it.
I think there are some true relationships in the salsa world. According to my mentor (Edie the Salsa Freak), it IS possible to have a good relationship with a salsero if three conditions are met. 1. Both people need to be emotionally mature. 2. Both people have to put their partner first always. And 3. The two of you have to dance together a LOT.
It’s especially a catch 22 for me because dancing has become such a huge part of my life. I don’t know if I could be with a man who doesn’t dance. And yet I don’t want to get played. Ugh….an ongoing challenge. I just keep going back and learning how to set boundaries and guard my heart and also how to communicate and ask for what I want. It’s not been easy but I’ve really grown a lot.
My gf, fresh out of divorce and having little experience with dating, met a player in the first month of salsa dancing. But she was able to shake him off pretty quickly and move on. They mostly prey on the younger women who are very naive. But even someone my age is still vulnerable to getting played. Salsa is so sexy and romantic. The flirting and playing is part of the dance. So we have to learn to separate that out and shake it off at the end of the night when we go home.
I love dance, but I also love men. I love having that male energy in my life. I enjoy the flirting and teasing – it makes me feel feminine, and it builds my confidence in certain ways. If I didn’t get it through salsa, I’d seek it out elsewhere. But like Lillian said in another thread, it’s not good to iinvest your heart and soul into them. This is where I used to get in trouble.
When you get ready to start dating (I’m saying “you” in the general sense), there are going to be spaths at book clubs, spaths in Mensa, spaths at church, spaths in self-help groups, spaths in Buddhist communities, spath dancers…….they are everywhere. I don’t know if there is any one place to meet a man where you are guaranteed not to meet a spath. IMO, having solid boundaries, knowing who you are and what you want, is the best way to spath-proof yourself in the dating world. And the boundaries help with ALL men, because men are going to have their own agendas, even if they are decent men. I think if the fear of getting hurt overwhelms the joy and excitement of meeting new men, they you are probably not ready to date.
Have a jolly Christmas, Donna. And to all LoveFraud readers… may you find true healing in the New Year.
Love, AlohaTraveler
And to you Aloha, woman extraordinaire!
I love to disco dance, dis go here and dis go there – and I can do it all by myself…
This was my first Christmas in 6 years without the spath. It was kind of lonely, even though I was with my family, but no stress, no walking on eggshells, no drama, no knots in my stomach, and no $25 Barnes & Noble gift cards in place of the diamond earrings he’d promised me every birthday and Christmas (and which I never got)!
And the day after tomorrow, the 27th, will also be one year since I officially got out for good (despite a few brief NC breaks since that time), so New Year’s Eve will also be a celebration of that as well. Bless you all!
HA! MoonDaer. I am one of the disco era. I LOVED colored floor lights and mirrored balls. Macho Macho man. I want to be. a Macho man. HEY HEY HEY HEY! Took me years before I discovered the Village People weren’t interested in woman. But they were SO SEXY! It’s fun to stay at the YWCA (well, I stayed there! fun living for those first months when I left home. at that time, it was great housing for young single office workers.) Ohh…. great memories. I sure have had some good times in life. Thanks for taking me on that lane tonite.
katy, i like going down memory lane occasionally.
I dance with the moon these day’s, I dance like nobody’s lookin..because they aint.
Dear Abbri,
CONGRATULATIONS on a P-FRee Christmas and a P-FREE happy new year!
Think about it this way, alone is a fact, lonely is a choice. I was here at the house today as the sleet and snow started to fall for the FIRST “White Christmas” in 80 years, just me and the critters and you know….I WAS NOT THE LEAST BIT LONELY. Alone but not lonely. (Son D was visiting his bio family) and I didn’t even “look back” in “fond memories” of those crying jags with my egg donor crying because I didn’t want to have my christmas dinner up chucked by spending it with her brother my Uncle Monster. So what if the arsehole was “alone” and his kids all hated him for the abuse they had suffered at his hands and the memories of him beating their mother. Or my memory of him beating my grandmother. Oh, yea, I dont’ miss those FOND MEMORIES of Christmas past. So after all the crying on the part of both me and the egg donor I would pack up my kids and/or husband and go somewhere else for holidays…
I got calls from friends and my step son and his wife and I enjoyed a long nap this afternoon….couldn’t have been a better day in my estimation.
Happiest greetings of the Season, to ALL!
As I sit in front of this woodstove burning scavenged fuel to heat this space, warm water for sink-bathing, and to “cook” available food, it is a fact that I have never been so cold, hungry, or financially depserate in my entire life.
Yeah, it’s awful. But, guess what? I’m not experiencing the crazymaking, the dismissal, the lies, and the machinations. I’m no longer wondering about where my finances went, because I know the truth. I no longer wonder about why the spouse was so distant and discouraging because I know the truth. I no longer wonder whether the spouse cares about my health and well-being because I know the truth. I finally know the truths about that whole association, and now I can focus on myself, my recovery, my healing, and my own health and well-being. I no longer have to “nag” someone to conduct maintenance, pay bills, account for joint finances, etc.
It’s been a long, ugly, nasty journey and it’s not over, yet. But, it’s a journey that I needed to take, complete with the humbling living conditions and expired food bank donations. It is a lesson in fortitude, survival, boundaries, and resolve. Without this site and the help of my former counseling therapist, I would not be typing this warm wish for recovery and healing to all who are suffering.
Brightest, brightest blessings to one, and all