Another Christmas is here. Again. Already. Some galactic entity must have revved up the planetary clock, because Christmases seem to be coming faster and faster. Even though we didn’t all evaporate on December 21, 2012 with the end of the Mayan calendar, we seem to be hurtling into the future at breakneck speed.
I’ve been dealing with holiday stress, such as running late while making hors d’oeuvres for a family party, and trying to figure out what gifts to buy for my teenage nephews. But that’s easy stress.
I am no longer pining for someone to spend the holidays with—an emotional void that made me vulnerable to the sociopath. And I am no longer going to family parties and pretending that life is wonderful, when in truth I was terrified that my whole world would soon collapse, as I felt during the Christmases I spent with my sociopathic ex-husband.
Compared to the emotional upheaval of those years, normal holiday stress is a piece of fruitcake.
The deep emotional wounds of the past are healed. Today, my non-sociopathic husband and I share a love that’s real, not a mirage. Now, during the holidays, all I really have to do is slow down and appreciate my good fortune.
I can feel peace at Christmas.
That’s what I wish for all Lovefraud readers—peace at Christmas. If you’re already there, I’m thrilled for you. If you’re still working towards it, please keep going. Give yourself the gift of letting go.
Peace on Earth begins with peace within our own hearts.
Well, I got thru Christmas day with NC. That is a tremendous blessing for me. Being able to write my thoughts and feelings here is a blessing as well because I notice it brings down my blood pressure when I get to feeling that surge of pain that comes and goes. Tears are in my eyes continually but I feel numb with no real awareness that I am crying. I kept going back because I did not realize that I was dealing with a monster. I really thought that we just were not communicating well or that something just wasn’t clicking for him as it should. I also believed with all my heart that this man loved me. To find the truth to be so opposite of what I believed has taught me the meaning of the term “cognitive dissonance”. Things just don’t line up and now I know that they don’t in this kind of a situation. I sometimes feel like I am being skinned alive and I sometimes think that he knows what his behavior is doing and that he is dancing with glee like an imp from hell at the thought of bringing my destruction. I may be grieving what I thought was our truth but moreso I am pained that anyone would want to hurt me. I know about it not being about me because I just happened to be handy for abuse but I am taking this a lot more personally since it happened to me. I am going to ask the counselor for a stress leave and go to visit my grandbaby in Texas for a few weeks. I need to be in the presence of her sweet innocence. In that place, my only priority is how to help her cook in her little kitchen or watch her wonder at the snow in her backyard.
Thank you all for sharing your inspiring and heart felt stories. I so identify with each step on the continuum of recovery you have. Here, there is more understanding of this specific loneliness than anywhere I have found.
Oxy, I loved the poem. I feel a spiritual note to in in spite of the “no comrade in eternity”. It is so true that here in our physical bodies we are ultimately alone but I think the one doing the knocking is our spiritual being. I am reading Eckhart Tolle’s book, THE POWER OF NOW.
I am learning to watch the ego mind and move to and stay in my being more and more. I become one with the Universe and the knocking goes away.
Of course, it keeps coming back and I feel that is the nature of humanity. Heaven and Hell are right here on Earth. I suppose that the psychopath is missing the inner-self that makes us human. They are pure ego and pure evil. They find peace and power through destroying others instead of going within, knowing empathy, caring and loving…they have no within to go to. They are empty pitiful shells and would merely be pathetic if they were not capable of such harm to others.
I survived Christmas. That is good.
Dear Revelation, glad that you made it through Christmas, and you will heal, give yourself time, and let the tears flow for now. I can coompletely identify with your pain. I felt the same way when I first came to LF. (((hhugs))))
Truthy, yep, you nailed it! And you know, even with your scrounged wood for heat, you are still better off than 90% of the people in the world. You aren’t dodging bombs AND scrounging for wood, and you aren’t having to haul your water from two miles away in a bucket on your head. Yep, we need to count our blessings.
Betsy, yep, the staying in the NOW. Glad you liked the poem it is one of my favorite ones.
Moon Dancer are you Hens?
You made me laugh. I have this image in my mind of you dancing & now I’m doing it too! “D_I_S_C_O” “D_I_S_C_O” Here’s a smile for you 🙂
Love & laughter from Disco Diva x
We all have to count our blessings that we have survived the Holiday without the spath. We must remember, we do not need the torment, manipulation, and the pathological
lies that we all thought that it was us. Remember, the spath is a personality disorder, and people do catch on, and when they do, they run. We are smarter, more knowledgeable as to what damage they can do to a person.
Just remember, NO CONTACT! The holidays may seem different,but along with everyting we have endured,that will pass with time. Our time will shine bright, while the spath is still trying to destroy himself. Keep strong!
I’ve been a silent participant of Love Fraud for over a year, reading your blogs with utter gratitude. I just completed Donna’s book today. Many questions have finally been answered concerning my husband of 33 years. I am among those people who met their spath young and endured for years. We had nine children together. I was fortunate enough to (almost) escape. Although we’ve been separated for nearly seven years, I haven’t been able to utterly end contact with him because of the shared family. “The Family” is a formidable and credible stage-front for a religious sociopath. The children, now mostly young adults, realize that their father lies and is irresponsible, but they don’t comprehend the depth of the problem or the emotional pain he has caused. They also want the illusion of an intact family. And so he appears weekly at my mother’s house for family dinners. He sits at the head of the table and prays lengthy prayers before the meal. I must also share holidays with him. Any attempt to shun him, or, God forbid, divorce him, is met by swift disapproval among the children. I can’t understate how credible he looks and how subtly manipulative he is. He elicits sympathy. It’s with the greatest difficulty that I hold onto reality. Meanwhile I have created my own circle of sanity. I support myself, as I always have. And I no longer support him. I don’t believe I will ever know the freedom of NO CONTACT. Instead my life has been about damage control. Again, I appreciate your contributions to this blog. As we enter 2013, I expect that all of us will continue to grow.
Cherish,
Perhaps books are the answer.
9 copies of “Why Is It Always About You? The seven deadly sins of narcissism.” might help.
That book is my all time favorite. It’s the book that opened my eyes after the spath’s mask came off. Since then, there have been other really good books: “Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry men.” is another great book.
“Fear of Life” is another one that gave me answers.
Start educating your kids. You know, growing up with spath parents makes them vulnerable to spath attacks in life. It is never too early (or too late) to start teaching them what they need to know to protect themselves.
((hugs to you)), I can so relate to having spent over a quarter century with a monster. I hope you won’t have to spend a minute more.
anam cara,
Yep i am hens, always will be. and I am happy I made you laugh..xox
Yup…..you will ALWAYS be Hens to me!!!
XXOO
Happy Holidays to all my fellow LF warriors.
Life changes, it’s an evolution…..one day is never the same as the next. It doesn’t mean it’s better than the previos……just not the same.
Eventually though…..it does get better. the pain subsides, the stalking slows down…..and the daily thoughts of them dwindle…..and we are allowed to move on with life.
It’s a process……and we must go through the pain in order to find a healthy life we are seeking.
For those who are healing…….it will come.
For those who have ‘arrived’……Keep offering the hand up to others.
For those wondering how long it takes……just plan on years.
BUT…..it does happen.
This Christmas our home was filled with celebration, lights, decor and the smells of holiday baking.
Unlike Christmases of years gone by.
This year was special. It just was. We all felt the spirit…..and we are all in a much better place.
As we sat on Christmas morning, opening our presents that filled our tree…..with beautiful wrapping and bows…..we relished in how far we’ve come.
The kids handed me a gift……it was wonderful.
It was a bear carved in stone with her cubs. The back of the bear was uncarved stone, vaguely showing the bears hind legs…..and the cubs were right there next to mamma. Shiny and brightly polished. It was so cool. ……and then Jr announces……Mom…..it’s ‘you and us’. We have come out of the stone, we were hard when we needed to be…..and we will always stick together.
UGH!!!!!!! Let the tears flow. These are MY kids!!!
My kids learned from having a spath father. My kids also learned from me how to handle adversity. My kids are not affraid to talk about Sociopaths and teach others.
After all the heartache I endured and worry for my children…..THIS is where we are today!
I’ts OKAY…..it’s good!!!
Allow the evolution of growth through pain…..it truely is a gift at the end of the journey.
We become much wiser and better people……even though we thought we were wise and did good before.
It’ll change us…..it does.
It’s OKAY……it’s good!!!!
May 2013 open many passages for you all……whatever road you are on, keep in mind….YOU are the driver of your own vehicle!!!
XXOO
EB