Another Christmas is here. Again. Already. Some galactic entity must have revved up the planetary clock, because Christmases seem to be coming faster and faster. Even though we didn’t all evaporate on December 21, 2012 with the end of the Mayan calendar, we seem to be hurtling into the future at breakneck speed.
I’ve been dealing with holiday stress, such as running late while making hors d’oeuvres for a family party, and trying to figure out what gifts to buy for my teenage nephews. But that’s easy stress.
I am no longer pining for someone to spend the holidays with—an emotional void that made me vulnerable to the sociopath. And I am no longer going to family parties and pretending that life is wonderful, when in truth I was terrified that my whole world would soon collapse, as I felt during the Christmases I spent with my sociopathic ex-husband.
Compared to the emotional upheaval of those years, normal holiday stress is a piece of fruitcake.
The deep emotional wounds of the past are healed. Today, my non-sociopathic husband and I share a love that’s real, not a mirage. Now, during the holidays, all I really have to do is slow down and appreciate my good fortune.
I can feel peace at Christmas.
That’s what I wish for all Lovefraud readers—peace at Christmas. If you’re already there, I’m thrilled for you. If you’re still working towards it, please keep going. Give yourself the gift of letting go.
Peace on Earth begins with peace within our own hearts.
Cherith,
It’s heart breaking to hear that your children blame you.
It may be time for you to admit that some of your children turned out just like their father.
You are absolved of your responsibility, you did the best you could. You were kind, caring and empathetic and you continue to be that.
So yes, keep the books around for them to read if they want. Otherwise, it’s not your problem.
One thing I will say about spaths is that they ONLY respect people who are powerful. Anyone else, they disdain. So if you want to impress anything on the spathier children, you will have to impress them with your independence and authority. Spaths see kindness as weakness. They don’t get it.
Couldn’t agree more with Skylar….. impress them with your independence and authority. Spaths see kindness as weakness. They don’t get it.”
The ex once commented on how much stronger I had become when I refused to go back to him or even entertain him in any way. It was as if he “admired” my strength. He had no respect for me when I was with him and frequently labelled me as weak. Thanks Sky for explaining. I always wondered why he said that when all I was doing was attending to his every need. Oh dear.
Dear Truthy,
thanks for the Towanda. Right back atcha my friend. Hope life improves for you in 2013
Even before I read Ox Drover’s message, I was thinking that understanding sociopathic personality answered many questions, but it greatly increased my pain. I could no longer deny something I knew to be true. I am in a classic state of Cognitive Dissonance. I’m aware of that. Even as I type, he is texting me, “love bombing” me with things that I’d like to hear.
I am in an even greater state of anxiety in the wake of the Christmas holidays. We had a family portrait done. It’s what I’d like to believe, as we stand together as “father and mother” of this beautiful family. At some stage, maybe in small pieces, I’d like to tell more of more story even if it’s to remind me of what actually happened.
I am aware of the genetic predisposition. My husband’s two sisters share his personality disorder. I hope that the heartlessness of my children is a reflection of denial rather than psychopathy.
ErinBrock, I just read what you’ve written again. It expresses all that I hope for.
Cherith,
A few of the hard lessons that I’ve learned through this journey has been patience, determination and responsibility, self respect, boundaries and living authentically.
I was with the spath for 28 years. I was in the ‘fortunately, unfortunate’ position that, in the end, the spath exposed and revealed himself to our kids. It wasn’t me trying to convince THEM of his foul deceit and abuse. THEY brought it to me.
Of course they weren’t aware of the name of his behaviors….Sociopathic etc… But it was CLEAR no parent would do what he did to his own children…..and they KNEW this.
When we all learned, through a psychologist, the ‘name’…..and the description of the disorder….there was NO DOUBT for any of us.
The healing began for us, as his abuse continued well past our separation and well past our divorce. Our kids still have an active extended order of protection in place against their father….on their own doing.
On one hand my childrens experience has been ‘easier’ for us to cope in the long run. There has been no push-pull…..trying to ‘convince’ my kids to see the truth.
I firmly believe that all kids will see it in their own time. We can’t push it on them. The more we back away, the free-er they are to see the behaviors of the abusers for themselves.
I know my eldest got a bit sick of seeing my on LF, reading and researching sociopathic behaviors. It was what I had to do for myself. He would sit at my desk and see all the printed materials on Cluster B disorders.
The good news on that was…..as sick of this ‘all’ as he was…..he made the choice to READ it. I didn’t ask him to……they were around…..and he read what he wanted. He learned and took it to his friends and therapist. He recognized these behaviors on the ‘streets’ and in a few other people he knew. He taught himself to run from the flames. He learned that they don’t change, he never held out hope for daddy-o.
If you set a boundary for yourself, that you will no longer accept this abuse in your life, it will take some time, but they will see that you are serious about honoring yourself. BUT….you must ‘back away’ ‘gracefully’. You can answer their ‘why’ questions (I am assuming your kids are grown) simply, yet firmly. Be honest, yet brief. No need to require them to pick sides, just make your boundaries YOU set in regards to your ‘husband’ clear.
At this point, you are living a lie. You are fooling no one, you are only playing the ‘game’, going through the motions that OTHERS expect of you. The other participants are aware of this in you. If you choose to step out, they will also know exactly why. They may not like it at first, but depending on how you handle it…..they will eventually accept it.
I will tell you……your current behaviors and playing along WILL make you very sick!
I lived a lie also……not even knowing how much of a lie it all was until I booted him……and I had 2 strokes, a disected carotid artery and then cancer…..all at 39 years old.
I spent 28 years with the spath. I was a child when he put his hooks in.
I KNOW that living a lie is not healthy for our minds OR bodies.
It is YOU that must choose. Your health or your life.
I know it’s not as simple as that…..and the repurcussions are grand. You’ve gotta walk through the fire to get out of it.
You have no responsibility to anyone other than yourself Cherith. We walk this earth with only our shadow when it all boils down to it.
We can only control ourselves and our own actions and choices.
What you are doing is not healthy for you. You are also setting an example for your children that it’s ok to play ‘let’s pretend’.
I played along, just like you….because it was what I was taught by my parents. It was the example that was set for me. I was taught to always please others.
It almost KILLED ME!
I’ve also given up on my parents and most other family because, at this point……I refuse to play the ‘lets’ pretend’ game with them. (Mother is the denial queen!) ALL IS NOT OK……and if they want to keep the portrayal up of the ‘jones’s’ ……..that is THEIR portrayal…..but we are NOT the jones’s…..and I was married to an abuser and a sociopath, your son sexually molested me as a child…..and NO I WON”T SHUT UP ABOUT IT!!!
They’ve wanted the portrayal so badly, they’ve kept in touch with the spath and played his game also and continue to support him….I’m pretty sure it’s to punish me and kids for our betrayal of the family secrets.
It’s all really sick.
BUT…..the good news IS……we have a choice to be a part of it or NOT!
I choose NOT!
Because of my ‘recent’ choices…..since the spath. And waking up to what I want out of my life and what I expect from those I keep company with now…..I’ve been able to achieve peace.
I lost my house and my health…..I was 154K in debt and I didn’t see much hope…….but now 3 years after divorce…it’s all a different story. I’m debt free, paying my bills monthly, the kids are moving forward and I’m healthy.
Believe me…..it’s not perfect…..and it’s not without emotional repurcussions……but it is my choice to heal and it’s my choice to remain physically healthy.
I know what it’s like to be on deaths door…..due to illness from stress. I never know what stress felt like, because I was so used to living in chaos, stress was a NORMAL feeling for me.
NOW…..I feel it immediatly. I don’t like it…..and I have a choice to be around those who create it in my life or not.
I choose not!
I wish the same for you. We all deserve a peaceful life…..but it doesn’t come without work…..HARD WORK!
You are right….once you KNOW what your dealing with, there is no denying it. That was a great moment for many of us also. It was a turning point, a revelation and just the reason we needed to finally ‘quit’ the facade.
They don’t change!
It’s all worth it darlin……I hope you don’t waste another moment. For YOUR sake!!!
EB, living the lie was part of my own shame-core. I pretended, acted, performed as if everything was “normal and healthy” in the first abusive marriage. Secrets run deep and, once they run deep enough, they become so rooted that it’s a monumental effort to prune away those roots and expose the rotten core.
And, the truth might not be pretty or comfortable, but like EB mentioned, it’s a cornerstone of my boundaries. Certainly, I have a choice to accept the truth, or not – we always have choices. And, I”ve learned through bitter trial and error that living the lie is simply denial of truth and facts. It doesn’t mean that I’m obligated to “LIKE” the truths and facts, but to recognize them and make informed decisions and choices.
Brightest blessings
EB, that was a very heartfelt and moving post above. You are so right, LIVING THE LIE, PLAYING LET’S PRETEND WE ARE A NICE NORMAL FAMILY takes a toll on our health mentally and physically.
I remember every year when my egg donor would start in on her appeal for me to have the holiday meals at her house with her brother my UNCLE MONSTER, that I could not stand to be in the same room with him after what I found out he did to his kids, X wife and to my grandmother–now mind you he had never given me any problems because he KNEW I would not tolerate them but I still did not want to have a meal with him or associate with him in any way—but my egg donor insisted I was a horrible person if I didn’t “forgive’ (pretend none of it happened, pretend like he was sorry, which he was not.) I finally chose NOT TO PRETEND any more about Uncle Monster *(but I WAS still pretending my son Patrick was going to come out of prison on parole for murder and go straight, but that’s another story) But I did set that boundary about Uncle Monster and my egg donor cried and wailed and tried to shame me. I got to the point I hated holidays but would take my kids and husband and go someplace else. Until after he died finally.
Now I am in the same spot with what’s left of my family (my egg donor) because I will not speak to her as long as she supports my son who tried to have me killed. I am done withh people I don’t want to associate with. And if someone tries to make me associate with an abuser, then I don’t need THAT person in my life either. What kind of person wants you to associate with someone who has HURT YOU SO MUCH? Not someone who really loves and cares about YOUR welfare and wishes.
To me it is like someone wanting you to associate with your rapist to show how liberal and forgiving you are. BULL HOCKEY!!!! “Better a crust of bread on a roof top than a feast in a house full of unhappiness.” (Paraphrase, The book of Proverbs)
I think so much of what ‘gets’ us into this mess in the first place is GUILT. We operate out of fear of guilt.
We follow along with others expectations because WE don’t want to be the one to throw the cog in the wheels.
It’s easier to ‘go along’ with the expectations and ‘traditions’ of others, than to sit and wonder….am I wrong, oh it’d be easy to just blah, blah…..why am I the difficult one, look everyone else seems to be enjoying themselves etc……
My mother raised me on guilt and bribery.
She’d come in on Sunday mornings and ask me to go to church with her……then say….we will go shopping afterwards.
She’d break down in sobbing tears in her room, loud enough for me to hear her through the vents if my brothers hurt her.
She’d call her sister on the phone and tell her all her woes with the kids…..IN EARSHOT of us.
So…being an empath…..I tried to FIX IT.
I took on the responsibility for my mothers feelings.
And that responsibility grew from there!
Soon enough I became responsible for not making waves in the family once my brother started molesting me at age 9. Suck it up EB…..perfect families don’t have little girls who cry foul inside the family!
I became responsible for bringing my father pride and ‘community attention’ by being the ‘bell of the ball’ on the soccer field. I had to be the star weekly and get the write ups in the paper every week (My father called them all in btw). If i didn’t score numerous goals, he didn’t get the kudos.
I had to make my parents proud, I had to protect my mothers feelings, I had to allow my father the gloating……after all, it was my duty or I’d feel guilty.
I was well trained…..we all were!
Guilt was the feeling that allowed me (In the end), to live authentically.
The moment I feel that old familiar feeling come around….guilt…..I retreat.
I do nothing out of guilt anymore.
Guilt is a trigger for me…..that it’s someone elses problem.
If I am confident I am making the choices that I want in my life…..and doing good by others, living by the rule of right is right and wrong is wrong……and living an authentic lifestyle…..WELL THEN, there is NO REASON for me to ever feel guilty or regret.
I have a friend who operates with her daughter and others with guilt. But, she’s also full of it herself….guilt drives her life. It keeps her up every night! She asked me to do something I didn’t have any interest in doing…..I declined. Later she approached it differently, I declined and said, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t ask again, I’m not interested.
She continued……I got more direct and pointed out that I refuse to do anything when others attempt to place guilt on me…..she kind of tried to make it into a ‘cute joke’…..it wasn’t!
I then said, DO NOT BRING IT UP AGAIN!
People learn to manipulate through guilt. They operate on your regret sensors to get us to do things we may otherwise not wish to do. From dumb stuff to BIG STUFF!
It’s not a necessary feeling, if we are sure to live authentically!
EB, The interesting thing is that guilt proves we have a conscience…that we can feel remorse. Predators hone in on that immediatly. They are very good at finding those spots inside of us that WE find lacking, or that we feel defensive about. They use it to manipulate. If we feel fear of rejection, they will threaten rejection.
I read an article, (can’t remember where) that said controlling people will insist on your submission. If you submit, you get depressed. If you resist, you get abused.
And the traumatic bonding makes it feel impossible to escape, and, indeed, it is very hard to do. It’s simple, but it isn’t easy.
I so agree with you about finding those things within ourselves that allow us to be hooked, and learning to set boundrys and live authentically.
Good to see you again, EB.
EB
Ah yes… “THE GAME”. Many variation but all the same GAME of PRETEND, where we pretend we don’t see, don’t know the meanings of words. B/c to NOT play THE GAME was to be ostracized as “difficult” and “demanding” and “a whiner”. One of the first games I remember was all us kids were to compete to show mommy who loved her the most. Whoever didn’t fight to love her the most was sent away, usually to the dog house (we raised dogs, the dog house was big, a chicken coop.) The other kids got to have hot chocolate, snuggle up to her and watch tv. While I REALLY wanted to watch tv too, I actually LIKED sleeping with the dogs. I loved petting them, and they were warm.
Ironic how I am as an adult. I actually value family ENORMOUSLY, but I don’t have any. (I stopped talking to my siblings years ago. They are really disgusting beings.) But I feel a vicarious joy when I see families enjoying their outings and I can see some who also play “The Game”. They are the ones who are LOUD, drawing attention to themselves.
I try to be as authentic as possible, just as you point out above, if someone is being mean and telling me it’s just a joke, I say it’s not funny to ME. I am aware of being a weirdo, having to do interspection to realize what is appropriate b/c although I grew up knowing certain things didn’t feel “right”, sometimes learning what was appropriate was a hard knock lesson. Now I am old and I don’t have to do so much analysis to figure out what’s what. But at Christmas, I fall into my memories and it’s hard to realize what was the game, and how much SOMETIMES I wanted it to be real.
Thanks for your posts. They are my reminders of what matters.