Another Christmas is here. Again. Already. Some galactic entity must have revved up the planetary clock, because Christmases seem to be coming faster and faster. Even though we didn’t all evaporate on December 21, 2012 with the end of the Mayan calendar, we seem to be hurtling into the future at breakneck speed.
I’ve been dealing with holiday stress, such as running late while making hors d’oeuvres for a family party, and trying to figure out what gifts to buy for my teenage nephews. But that’s easy stress.
I am no longer pining for someone to spend the holidays with—an emotional void that made me vulnerable to the sociopath. And I am no longer going to family parties and pretending that life is wonderful, when in truth I was terrified that my whole world would soon collapse, as I felt during the Christmases I spent with my sociopathic ex-husband.
Compared to the emotional upheaval of those years, normal holiday stress is a piece of fruitcake.
The deep emotional wounds of the past are healed. Today, my non-sociopathic husband and I share a love that’s real, not a mirage. Now, during the holidays, all I really have to do is slow down and appreciate my good fortune.
I can feel peace at Christmas.
That’s what I wish for all Lovefraud readers—peace at Christmas. If you’re already there, I’m thrilled for you. If you’re still working towards it, please keep going. Give yourself the gift of letting go.
Peace on Earth begins with peace within our own hearts.
I too value family enormously ( I think that is what kept me around being walked on for so long- the blood is thicker than water concept). And now, it’s just me and the kiddlings. Ironic!
I LOVE watching families where I live, in a resort community, on vacation……It warms my heart….but I can’t imagine ‘having’ that with my ‘family’…..I DO with my kids, but what i had with the ‘fam’ was NOT authentic- it was a role that was expected from each of us.
I seek the family traditions at the holidays…..I try to provide ‘family’ to my children.
I am at the point now, where when I am with my friends….I get that feeling of ‘belonging’ of family.
That closeness I yearned for.
The only family I’m in touch with is a cousins wife…..and my brother (through my kids). I’ve pulled away from my brother….and he’s sure noticed.
Jr visited him before christmas…..and it was enlighting to say the least….
He uses Jr, yet provides hooks.
Jr see’s it now.
I won’t ‘cut my brother off’……but I also don’t make any efforts to contact him as I use to. I don’t call him, I deleted him from FB and his friends and i don’t send cards. I’m just done being his side show. My brother always needs a side show to talk about.
He is just like mother…..he talks about everyone behind their back….so when your in his company you KNOW your next, the minute you walk out the door.
He’s noticed. He asked Jr if I was mad at him….
It is sometimes hard to give up the facade of ‘family’.
But the feelings we yearn for from the familial connections….we certainly can find elsewhere!
Thank you, Donna, for reminding us that it is possible to feel happy again after crossing paths with a spath. And thanks to everyone who has shared their stories. I am new to the LF blog and am grateful to have the chance to connect with others who have been through this and are going through this. I am trying to be grateful for the good things I have in my life during the holidays this year, although I am in so much pain right now. I still can’t believe that my ex-boyfriend is actually a sociopath, but it really explains his behavior. I only escaped from him in November, and for our entire relationship of 1.5 years, I had NO IDEA what he really was. We seemed to have all kinds of important things in common. He was intelligent and charming and fun. He told me he loved me all the time. My friends all liked him. Yes, there were things he said that he didn’t follow through on, and I felt like something was off when he would embrace me when I cried, and he bad-mouthed his ex and had mean things to say about others, but of course I overlooked that because I put my trust in him and he was always pleasant to me to my face. Our break up was very confusing for me. He had feigned depression for a few months beforehand and was spending less and less time with me, and then he finally said he couldn’t see me anymore. And so I was forced to end it, but he said he wanted to try again when he was better. I told him I just didn’t know if I could do that, and things were left in the air, but I had told him not to contact me for a month (he had said he would text me, and I said NO!). A week later, I was worried about him, thinking he might be suicidal with the “depression”–and so I went on Facebook to try to find his roommate’s page through another one of his friends, to check on him. The first thing I found was HIS page, which he had said he had closed down. And on it I saw that he was in a relationship with someone–not me! I clicked on the name and saw a picture of the two of them together. I was stunned. I called him, he didn’t answer. I texted him, and he did answer that. The thing is, I had limited answers from him via texting. It was only when the new girlfriend contacted me on her own that I finally found out the extent of his lying and cheating. I am so happy to know the truth!!! BUT, she’s staying with him because she thinks she knows the “real” him! Apparently, he’s given her the passwords to his accounts. He spends all kinds of time with her and they are “intimate” constantly. Her son loves him. She’s staying even though she knows (because he told her) how he cheated on me behind my back with several women, including strippers, even though she knows that he deliberately misled me in every way, and even though she herself called him a total liar…she’s staying with him because she’s “different”. I feel scared for her and especially for her son.
I am having a hard time not beating myself up about this, wondering how I could have been so blind. I am so grateful that I found out the truth, but I am terrified at how easily I could have never known!!! Donna’s website, her red flags book, and The Sociopath Next Door have really helped me. I still doubt if I’ve made a proper diagnosis, and that’s tormenting me. I want to have answers. I feel like I can’t move on without answers. I really hope I can find a way to let go of this need for clear answers and move on with my life. Thanks for listening to my story, everyone.
Laura…..the only answer you need is……knowing what you now know, (cheating, lying etc) do you want this type of person in your life?
We tend to get hooked up with…..maybe he’ll change for ‘her’, maybe I wasn’t good enough, sexy enough, sexual enough, smart enough, rich enough, blah blah…..
Trust me….the ‘next’ girl always thinks SHE”S BETTER, DIFFERENT and he’d NEVER do that to me.
Women like adversity……we like to hear the dog on another woman….and we feel bad for the guy who had to endure such a woman. It’s how we get drawn in. Guys know this and use it. We fall for it every time.
Point is…..if a guy dogs on his ex…..walk away! You’ll be next, I assure you.
If a guy is so hung up on his ex he uses those tactics….he’s OBVIOUSLY NOT READY for a relationship. WE WOMEN can’t change/fix/ help that. Move along.
Well……it doesn’t matter….stick with what YOU KNOW. Value yourself enough to know you deserve much better. You deserve to get in return, what you offer in a relationship. With HIM…..you were not getting any of this.
Why do you feel you don’t deserve the truth?
He won’t change for her, he will play the same tried and true games. She’s just the fool that (for now) will put up with it.
She’s putting stock into an empty pot. He’s only leading her on to invest more of herself. Right? Isn’t that how it works…..he did it to you didn’t he?
Once we feel invested……we are more apt to stick around and put up with the bullshit.
He knows this.
She isn’t getting anything better than you did……don’t worry about HER or her choices.
My ex’s new wife contacted me for info. (they dated a few months and married quick)….she saw red flags….she asked me about them. That weekend she became pregnant……he moved her out of state and now she states she’s ‘living her dream’.
LOLOLLOLLOLOLOLOL…….um, yeah, we know better!
She’s an idiot, she’s gonna have to figure this out on her own. It’s not up to me to expose him, he’s good enough on his own, to do it all by himself.
Yup……preggers in mid 40’s, married a sociopath, and far far away from her kids and family (she chose to abandon her kids for spath)…….broke with no friends around her……and she hasn’t known him 9 months yet…..SOUNDS LIKE A DREAM LIFE TO ME…..wait until the nightmare hits! LOL!
We can’t save others who are blinded…don’t try.
Her ex husband contacted me twice in fear for his kids….I just pointed him in the public information direction with case numbers, restraining orders, criminal charges etc……and wished him luck.
I worry about the kids, I know he’s already abused them……but fortunately they are teens…..and I believe they ‘see’ right through spath now.
There are no fairytale romances……they simply do not exist.
Heal yourself, give yourself time……..and rely on your gut instincts to show you what you need outa life.
The answers are clear……whether he’s a spath or not….doesn’t matter…..he’s a lying, cheating piece of crap who has no respect for you. That’s HIS problem…..don’t make it yours!!!
XXOO
EB
Erin,
Thank you so much for responding to my comment!! You are absolutely right, I do NOT want him in my life, of course I don’t!!! I think he knew if I had found proof that he was lying or cheating, I would have instantly ended the relationship. So he covered his tracks well. And I DID end it when he started breaking promises left and right and refused to see me anymore. I don’t stay in denial, like the new girl. What you said about her is so true. I just feel better sharing my story and reading what you had to say about it, because you understand. So thank you! 🙂
And I definitely deserve the truth!! I feel like it was the grace of God that helped me discover it. I just appreciate how easily I could have never known. It humbles me, that’s all. And I will move on and learn a lot from this experience. I knew it was bad that he spoke negatively about his ex. But, as you said, I was invested. So I overlooked it.
Anyway, thanks again, and I will keep what you said close to my heart. I admire your strength and your clarity of thought. Happy holidays to you!
Laura
Laura19, ErinBrock is spot-on. And, I’m so sorry that you’ve had the experiences with the spath that you did, and that you’re still hurting. It takes time. Time and hard “self” work.
Don’t torment yourself by believing that the new/old girlfriend is “The One” or something “special.” There is no such thing as “The One” or “Soulmate” in a populations of billions of human beings. There simply isn’t. She’s got a hard ride ahead of her, and there is one thing to be grateful for, today: you are out and you didn’t enter into a legally binding contract of marriage with that jerk!
As far as not feeling as if you are recovering, I can clearly identify with that. Two and three months out from the exspath, and I was really desperate for a timeline as to when I’d “get over it.” LMAO!!! Well, severing a relationship with a spath is unlike any other experience because, in hindsight, the whole thing was based upon an illusion, and that simply hurts us. To understand and accept that we were never really “loved” by spaths is very, very painful. But, it izzzz what it izzzz, and it’s an unfortunate fact.
You’re going to be okay and finally recognize what a priceless part of this vast Universe you truly are. Love yourself, first. The rest will fall into place.
Brightest blessings
Laura,
You are fortunate that he “devalued and discarded” you (D&D) and that you found out the truth.
His GF is in denial, just like the new wife of Erin’s X…they think he will cheat on someone else and NOT on them. DUH???? Yea, right!!!!
A cheat is a cheat is a low level snake in the grass…you are better off without him, so keep on telling yourself that and stay NO CONTACT with him. Not even checking on his FB page. You already know what he is and when people SHOW YOU what they are, BELIEVE THEM the first time. Good luck and God bless, and again, welcome to LF.
And Laura…..I truely believe….everything happens for a reason.
If we learn the lessons we are due to learn at the time, then life won’t throw that lesson at us again. **Edit….or we will be far better equipped to avoid the trouble in the future.**
1.5 years is a ‘small’ price to pay for tuition at the school of hard knocks. (In the big sceme of things)
You’ll look back upon this moment in time and be thankful you were able to learn this lesson without huge financial/emotional devastation and having children with a disordered lyer!
Look at it as…..you dodged a bullet!
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!
You’ll do fine.
Keep writing, keep learning and keep reading….there is so much to learn here at LF. We share our stories in order to ‘help’ the next one.
Life does get better……you just gotta go through the pain to find happiness.
Welcome to LF. Glad you found us!
Laura,
Erin is right. When this happens to us, we tend to think we are being punished for something we did in the past. At least that was what I thought and what I was looking for, initially. WHY did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve it?
Little by little, I realized that it happened because I needed to learn this lesson for my FUTURE.
Learn this lesson and learn it well. Learn how to discern the spaths and how to defend against their dark arts. They ARE everywhere, so you will need this in your future.
Truthspeak, Ox Drover, and Erin,
Thanks so much to all of you for taking the time to respond to my story and for welcoming me to LF! You’ve all given me some great feedback and advice, and your comments are already helping me so much to heal.
Truthspeak: Yes, I definitely want to have a timeline for when this will stop hurting so much, but I know it doesn’t work like that. And it’s so nice just to hear from you that this situation is different from other break ups. He DIDN’T ever love me–he just used me–and that is what is so painful. I have been trying to work hard to forgive myself and love myself. And I’ve been reminding myself that it it does take time, even though that’s hard to accept.
Ox Drover: You are so right, I am VERY lucky that he decided he didn’t want me anymore and especially that I found out the truth! I have no intention of ever contacting him again or responding IF he contacts me. Still, it’s good to be reminded about how important that is… He blocked me from his Facebook page right after I found out everything, which is a great thing, huh? I guess he didn’t want me to make any trouble for him somehow. LOL.
Erin: I will definitely learn a lot from this experience. It’s important to realize that there ARE predators out there, and that they can often hide themselves really well. That was, indeed, a great lesson for me to learn.
I am very grateful to have found LF and all of you!
Thank you, Skylar, for your post. I am definitely asking the WHY questions a lot right now. Mostly I was asking, why did he act in the way he did?? Realizing that he is probably a spath helped me answer that question somewhat. And I am hopeful that I will be able to move forward from the questioning, given enough time. Thanks again for your response. 🙂