Another Christmas is here. Again. Already. Some galactic entity must have revved up the planetary clock, because Christmases seem to be coming faster and faster. Even though we didn’t all evaporate on December 21, 2012 with the end of the Mayan calendar, we seem to be hurtling into the future at breakneck speed.
I’ve been dealing with holiday stress, such as running late while making hors d’oeuvres for a family party, and trying to figure out what gifts to buy for my teenage nephews. But that’s easy stress.
I am no longer pining for someone to spend the holidays with—an emotional void that made me vulnerable to the sociopath. And I am no longer going to family parties and pretending that life is wonderful, when in truth I was terrified that my whole world would soon collapse, as I felt during the Christmases I spent with my sociopathic ex-husband.
Compared to the emotional upheaval of those years, normal holiday stress is a piece of fruitcake.
The deep emotional wounds of the past are healed. Today, my non-sociopathic husband and I share a love that’s real, not a mirage. Now, during the holidays, all I really have to do is slow down and appreciate my good fortune.
I can feel peace at Christmas.
That’s what I wish for all Lovefraud readers—peace at Christmas. If you’re already there, I’m thrilled for you. If you’re still working towards it, please keep going. Give yourself the gift of letting go.
Peace on Earth begins with peace within our own hearts.
Laura19:
As I was reading your story, as soon as you said he was spending less and less time with you and finally said he couldn’t see you anymore, I knew it was because of another woman. I was not surprised when a few sentences later you revealed you found out about his relationship on Facebook. I say this from experience and also seeing a ton of other relationships where this has happened. Anytime a man (or woman) becomes less interested, it’s almost always due to another romantic interest. Let’s face it…if a man is interested in us and loves us (even in a long term relationship), we will know it. They will always want to be near us or doing things for us; caring for us. This is a lesson you have learned now along with all the other lessons. Just be aware of the red flags in all new relationships and you will be fine. We have all learned our lessons here so you have come to a good place! 🙂 Hang in there.
Louise,
Thanks for the response to my comment. I can see now how obvious it was that he had started another relationship at the end of ours. But, he was doing it all along with several women. He very deliberately deceived me from the beginning, just like Donna describes in her book. He was able to balance his conquests so well before the most recent one because he spent just enough time with me that I wasn’t suspicious…I guess he decided his new girlfriend was going to be his next main victim or something. He still wanted to lead me on, of course. It’s all so mind-boggling that someone could be so despicable. Now I know, yes, people can be so despicable. I am not as concerned about this happening to me again as I am that it is so hard to deal with the pain of what has already happened. But I will continue to hang in there. Thank you!!
Laura19:
I’m so sorry. I KNOW how painful it is. I thought I was going to die that’s how painful it was. I still feel it sometimes, but not nearly the way it used to be, thank God. It’s so hard because it seems they just don’t care…they just used us and moved onto the next one(s). Mine also had multiple women; they usually do. Usually if they are cheating with one, they are cheating with more. I really don’t think I can ever fully trust a man again. I have just seen too much and that makes me sad. I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do. HUGS to you.
Louise,
Thank you…just reading you say how painful it is makes me feel a little better. It definitely seems that they don’t care. In fact, there’s no other explanation for it. People who care about others just couldn’t behave like that for so long, and be so calm, cool, and comfortable in our presence, knowing what they are doing behind our backs. I feel the same way as you, I am not sure I can really trust a man again. I hope that I can. I want to be open to the possibility of real love. But I sometimes wonder if I’m the only person he did this to. The new girl is convinced he was faithful to the ex that he blames for everything. And of course he’s going to be faithful to HER because he’s with her so much and she’s different and all that. LOL! I know, he’s a pathological liar, so of course he’s lying to her. I’ve just been feeling so alone. So thank you for helping me realize that I am not alone!
Hugs to you too!!! Thank you. 🙂
Laura19:
Yeah, yeah, I thought I was special, too…haha!!! Oh, dear, was that ever a joke!! Knowing that I felt sooooo special makes me realize even more how much of a con it was and how your ex’s new girlfriend is also being conned right now. There’s no doubt. They don’t change. They all seem to have this innate ability to make us feel like we are the BEST!! Mine sure did, I will tell you that. They have to be good at what they do to get away with it for so long.
You are NOT alone. Just come here when you need to talk. There will always be someone to support you. 🙂
Hmm this is a silly question… how come we all come to ask why, how and what after being with spaths? I mean, in my other relationships I’ve never asked those questions when the relationships ended. It must be some force that makes us end up here. Seems like an encounter with a spath is a life’s lesson for all of us wheter we like it or not.
Louise,
I am so sorry that all of us opened up our hearts to these spaths. I felt special too. I suppose that when a person has no ability to feel an emotional attachment to others, he/she spends a lot of his/her time perfecting the act. Thank you for reminding me I am not alone. I will definitely be posting here for support!
Sunflower,
I think your question is a good one, and it’s one I’ve been asking too! This feels very different from my other break ups. There’s something about everything being a lie that makes me feel completely shattered. Maybe because, for those of us who have a conscience, love is everything. To think that a person we genuinely loved did not love us in return, at all…it really makes us ask those questions. And what a painful encounter to have. But now we can protect ourselves. And in my case, I am going to focus on how truly lucky I was not to be hurt more.
Laura19:
I agree. I have asked myself a lot why I let him; why I opened up to him when I had not opened up to any man in a very long time. I was just ripe for the picking I guess. I know I can’t go back in time and change things, but oh, how I wish I could. But I can’t. One of the many things that makes me angry is just this…giving him the satisfaction of falling for him! He got exactly what he wanted and I hate that!! 🙁 He ALWAYS gets what he wants and I just contributed to it! Super UGGHHH!
This blog is a life-line. I need to more thoroughly read the above dialogue.
Even last night I was at my spath- husband’s house—attempting to drug test a daughter who is living with him and who is enabled by him. I know this daughter is in deep trouble and earning money in a dangerous setting to support her habit. Unfortunately this daughter has a four year old son who also lives with my husband. I was viciously lashed at by the daughter and stonewalled by the husband. He is the face of kindness toward this girl who is very probably enslaved to heroin. I took her son out with me, knowing that the grandson was not feeling well. He has a cold and also asthma—so I’m very concerned about him. So these are the cords that tie me to the husband. The only way I can find out about the grandson is to go through the spath and drug-addicted daughter.
I don’t want the pretense of an intact family, the hypocrisy. I don’t know how to escape yet—resist the temptations to play along to please others. I hope that one day I’ll emerge.
ErinBrock, thank you for the response. I’ve read it—and will re-read it.
Louise,
I know for me that it’s so easy to get caught up in self-blame. How could I have been so stupid? Why didn’t I see the evil inside him? And just like you, I definitely want to go back in time and undo all of it! But you’re right, we can’t go back. And I don’t think you contributed to him getting what he wants. I really believe that HE is responsible for all of his crimes, not you.
I am trying to hope that all the spaths out there, including the ones who hurt you and me, will NOT get what they want in the end, that justice will be served and that they will somehow be stopped from hurting more and more people. I want to believe that somehow, people who terrorize others, either overtly or covertly, will get what they deserve in the end. I don’t know if it will happen, but it only seems right. I just have to believe that good will triumph over evil. And I hope all of us who are hurting can find peace.