Phillip Garrido is technically “a father.” He allegedly kidnapped Jaycee Dugard when she was 11, sexually assaulted her, so that she subsequently gave birth to two children. Some have had difficulty attaching the term “father” to Garrido. One news report I saw said, “He allegedly “sired” two children.” These children (both girls), are reportedly 11 and 14. We do not know if Garrido also sexually assaulted the children.
This week I would like to discuss a difficult subject and ask some difficult questions. Because I am using the case of Phillip Garrido to guide this discussion, we are considering fatherhood. However, I believe the same points can be raised regarding motherhood.
Here are the questions:
At what point is a father not a father? At what point does a child not need both parents? At what point does a father’s treatment of a mother justify the termination of his parental rights? Should criminal behavior be considered in custody/visitation cases? At what point is a father so mentally ill that children should not see him? Should a child’s wish to see his/her father play a role in these decisions?
I’ll say up front that in the extreme case of Phillip Garrido few if any one will argue that a court should have the girls brought to visit him in prison. For most people the question of whether Garrido also sexually assaulted the girls would be a deciding factor. For the sake of this discussion we will assume that the question of sexual assault cannot be proven one way or another and that the girls won’t talk about that. We are going to make that assumption because in the vast majority of cases I know of that is the situation.
At what point is a father not a father?
State laws say that a rapist does not have parental rights. O.K. that makes sense for stranger rapes, but what if the rape occurred within the context of a relationship? What if a woman is raped, feels humiated then decides to continue a relationship with the “attacker” so although a rape occurred on Tuesday she consented on Friday and we don’t know which act resulted in conception.
What if there is coercion within the relationship. The man says, “Unless you take care of me sexually, I’ll divorce you and get custody of __________ (an existing child).” Out of fear the woman consents to sex sort of and gets pregnant again. In this case coercion is psychological as opposed to physical.
Now if you think that coerced sex is rape. What about covert coercion? I mean conning? What about the woman conned into the relationship? In this case her beliefs about the man and the nature of their relationship that caused her to consent were all based on lies. Had she known the truth, she would never have agreed to the relationship or to sex. What then?
At what point does the father’s treatment of the mother justify the termination of his parental rights?
In many cases the family courts have tried to separate the relationships of the family believing that a man’s treatment of his partner has nothing to do with his relationship with his children. It appears that even Phillip Garrido provided for these children in that they were supported financially. He also claims he nurtured and loved them.
If you say that kidnap and rape of the mother justifies termination of parental rights. I can tell you of a case where the woman initially consented to the relationship. The man who is a psychopathic con artist, eventually held her prisoner. She gave birth during that time and is now fighting to have the man’s parental rights terminated. He was arrested and is in prison for assaulting a sibling, the woman’s other child, but he is still “a father”- according to at least one judge.
Does a woman held prisoner have to constantly try to escape in order to “prove” she was not a “willing victim”? The victim in Garrido’s case did not apparently attempt escape. Are we to say she voluntarily lived with Garrido?
At what point is a father so mentally ill that children should not see him?
It is clear that in addition to being sexually deviant, and personality disordered, Garrido is also psychotic (delusional and hallucinating). Should children be protected from parents with psychosis? If so why? People with cluster B personality disorders have difficulty with interpersonal relationships and when the disorder is severe are not capable of placing another person’s welfare above their own. What then?
Should criminal behavior be considered in parental rights cases?
There are many children who are ordered to visit parents in prison. Why are these girls an exception? (Provided that they were not assaulted).
Should a child’s wish to see his/her father play a role in these decisions?
Garrido’s victim’s family members are quoted in the news as saying that the situation has been difficult for the girls since “He was their father.” Children have a natural tendency to seek to be with those who have raised them. Why do we use this tendency against them? Why do we think this is always a good thing? Shouldn’t concerned healthy adults make a decision based on reason, instead of a primitive drive children have?
My answers
We all have to stop denying that the above questions exist, put our heads together and come up with a just system for dealing with these questions. In the United States, I am afraid this should be a Federal Issue. It will be very difficult for us to fight to change the laws in every state separately. To say that a child always needs both parents is clearly absurd, as Garrido’s case shows us. If we look at each aspect of Garrido’s case we see there are some clear guidelines that can be developed to deal with situations where:
One parent harms the other.
One parent terrorizes, coerces and/or imprisons the other.
One parent is a criminal.
One parent is mentally ill.
Although cases where a child has two disordered parents are common (and most tragic), cases where there is one relatively healthy parent should be the focus of change. I assert this because by forcing a parent to deal with a disordered other parent, we condemn that person to suffer during what should be the happiest most productive years of their lives. Let’s face it, 18 years is a long time. Also since the psychiatric disorders are partly genetic, these children need the best, least stressful upbringing the least disordered parent can give them.
Please use the comments section to weigh in on your answers and post your own story with regard to these questions.
should read “ABUSE IS THICKER THAN BLOOD!!”
Dear Tilly,
Unfortunately abuse, corruption and psychopaths are in every country, not just yours.
That’s why there is LF and that is why as we learn and help teach others and make them aware, even though we don’t eliminate all the abuse and corruption, we do make a dent in it….however tiny.
Hope you have a great day!!!
I would like to point something out. I have seen several examples of posts that claim certain positions and occupations are made of mostly, if not entirely of narcissists/sociopaths. I think that is risky. It’s a generalization that is not helpful. I personally am in sales–and I know that just because that is my occupation it does NOT make me a narcissist. I think the same is true of lawyers, judges, politicians, police officers, etc. Just because we choose a certain career does not automatically point to a diagnosis. Being in sales for me has been a great way for me to have flex time with my daughter and to help other people. Maybe that is not the type of sales person that this group has been in contact with, but we do exist.
HTH,
that was me that made the sales person comment. I’m soooo sorry, it was a generalization about marketing in general. Please forgive my foot in mouth disease.
You are right, any job can be done well and with integrity and any job can be done in P-mode. There is always a choice. We can sell a quality product to someone who will benefit from it or we can lie and distort in order to maximize profit at the expense of the buyer.
So please accept my apology.
But can we still make fun of politicians? 🙂
No worries, skylar. 🙂 And we can absolutely make fun of politicians!
Dear hopingtoheal,
Ns and Ps tend to “cluster” in certain occupations, but that does not mean there are NO “good” people in those occupations, not at all. It simply means that like in criminals there are a much higher percentage of psychopaths than there are in the general population, more drug addicts that are psychpaths than people who are not drug addicts, but it doesn’t even mean every criminal or every drug addict is a psychopath.
Because psychopaths are WILLING to lie to sell something, they make great salespeople in some cases, even very successful.
Any occupation that allows the psychopath’s particular “talents” (the ability to lie for example) to make them more “successful” or a position of power over others, such as cops and prison guards tends to attract these people in higher numbers than the “general population.”
I have done sales myself and am successful if I BELIEVE IN THE PRODUCT, but cannot sell something I don’t believe in. Psychopaths can sell gold covered lead bars as “pure gold” because they are willing to cheat people and to lie.
So please don’t think we think that ALL or even the majority of sales people (or cops, etc) are psychopaths, just a higher percentage! (((hugs))))
Oxy:
Yes, of course they are in EVERY country. And even when we have known for over twenty five years that it is “THE FAMILY” in the pedophile capital of Australia in South Australia, that they run the entire Australian pedophile ring, even then business is booming and there is nothing we can do about it.
Tilly,
I want to hear more about your art.
You have so much passion and I would love to hear about how you are reflecting it in your art. Our job is to spread the word about P’s. Your medium is your art. let us know how its going.
Don’t know where to post this. I have to rant. Tonight on Jane Valez Mitchell I heard about a mother and her 5 children being murdered. Their throats were all cut. The youngest child was 11 mos. old, the oldest 9 years. There had been a history of domestic abuse for the last 10years. Florida dept. ofchildren and families had been to the house only three weeks prior, and found that there was no problem. Mom had supper in the oven the kids were clean…no problem. Dad had been arrested in Jan. of this year, but apearantly Mom begged the Judge to drop charges, saying Dad was really a good guy, and she was willing to give him a second chance.
They arrested dad in Haiti, so I’m not sure on the particulars, whether Mom is Haitian, too, so don;t want to speculate, but my point is this: We need to reach victims way before they are brain washed and helpless. I identify with this victim. I understand the psychology of being so alone and isolated,(even if it’s only in your own mind) that you hold on, desparatly to your abuser feel helpless, see no way out.
I remember being grateful when my abuser returned after being gone for 3 or 4 days, the rent was due, the lights were being turned off, but he had 3 cigarettes and a can of pork and beans. I’m not kidding! The world doesn’t understand this, they say what is wrong with that woman, they want to blame her, too.
How can we educate the public so they understand the nature of this sickness? How do we quite blaming the victim and intevene, even when they don’t want our help? Do you all know what I mean. Maybe if this Mom had any support system, to help her find her strength, self worth, hope…this would not have happened. God bless lovefraud.
Kim, perhaps we need to form a non-profit specifically for informing people about narcissism and all the forms that it comes in. When you consider how it affects EVERYONE, there shouldn’t be a shortage of funds.