Phillip Garrido is technically “a father.” He allegedly kidnapped Jaycee Dugard when she was 11, sexually assaulted her, so that she subsequently gave birth to two children. Some have had difficulty attaching the term “father” to Garrido. One news report I saw said, “He allegedly “sired” two children.” These children (both girls), are reportedly 11 and 14. We do not know if Garrido also sexually assaulted the children.
This week I would like to discuss a difficult subject and ask some difficult questions. Because I am using the case of Phillip Garrido to guide this discussion, we are considering fatherhood. However, I believe the same points can be raised regarding motherhood.
Here are the questions:
At what point is a father not a father? At what point does a child not need both parents? At what point does a father’s treatment of a mother justify the termination of his parental rights? Should criminal behavior be considered in custody/visitation cases? At what point is a father so mentally ill that children should not see him? Should a child’s wish to see his/her father play a role in these decisions?
I’ll say up front that in the extreme case of Phillip Garrido few if any one will argue that a court should have the girls brought to visit him in prison. For most people the question of whether Garrido also sexually assaulted the girls would be a deciding factor. For the sake of this discussion we will assume that the question of sexual assault cannot be proven one way or another and that the girls won’t talk about that. We are going to make that assumption because in the vast majority of cases I know of that is the situation.
At what point is a father not a father?
State laws say that a rapist does not have parental rights. O.K. that makes sense for stranger rapes, but what if the rape occurred within the context of a relationship? What if a woman is raped, feels humiated then decides to continue a relationship with the “attacker” so although a rape occurred on Tuesday she consented on Friday and we don’t know which act resulted in conception.
What if there is coercion within the relationship. The man says, “Unless you take care of me sexually, I’ll divorce you and get custody of __________ (an existing child).” Out of fear the woman consents to sex sort of and gets pregnant again. In this case coercion is psychological as opposed to physical.
Now if you think that coerced sex is rape. What about covert coercion? I mean conning? What about the woman conned into the relationship? In this case her beliefs about the man and the nature of their relationship that caused her to consent were all based on lies. Had she known the truth, she would never have agreed to the relationship or to sex. What then?
At what point does the father’s treatment of the mother justify the termination of his parental rights?
In many cases the family courts have tried to separate the relationships of the family believing that a man’s treatment of his partner has nothing to do with his relationship with his children. It appears that even Phillip Garrido provided for these children in that they were supported financially. He also claims he nurtured and loved them.
If you say that kidnap and rape of the mother justifies termination of parental rights. I can tell you of a case where the woman initially consented to the relationship. The man who is a psychopathic con artist, eventually held her prisoner. She gave birth during that time and is now fighting to have the man’s parental rights terminated. He was arrested and is in prison for assaulting a sibling, the woman’s other child, but he is still “a father”- according to at least one judge.
Does a woman held prisoner have to constantly try to escape in order to “prove” she was not a “willing victim”? The victim in Garrido’s case did not apparently attempt escape. Are we to say she voluntarily lived with Garrido?
At what point is a father so mentally ill that children should not see him?
It is clear that in addition to being sexually deviant, and personality disordered, Garrido is also psychotic (delusional and hallucinating). Should children be protected from parents with psychosis? If so why? People with cluster B personality disorders have difficulty with interpersonal relationships and when the disorder is severe are not capable of placing another person’s welfare above their own. What then?
Should criminal behavior be considered in parental rights cases?
There are many children who are ordered to visit parents in prison. Why are these girls an exception? (Provided that they were not assaulted).
Should a child’s wish to see his/her father play a role in these decisions?
Garrido’s victim’s family members are quoted in the news as saying that the situation has been difficult for the girls since “He was their father.” Children have a natural tendency to seek to be with those who have raised them. Why do we use this tendency against them? Why do we think this is always a good thing? Shouldn’t concerned healthy adults make a decision based on reason, instead of a primitive drive children have?
My answers
We all have to stop denying that the above questions exist, put our heads together and come up with a just system for dealing with these questions. In the United States, I am afraid this should be a Federal Issue. It will be very difficult for us to fight to change the laws in every state separately. To say that a child always needs both parents is clearly absurd, as Garrido’s case shows us. If we look at each aspect of Garrido’s case we see there are some clear guidelines that can be developed to deal with situations where:
One parent harms the other.
One parent terrorizes, coerces and/or imprisons the other.
One parent is a criminal.
One parent is mentally ill.
Although cases where a child has two disordered parents are common (and most tragic), cases where there is one relatively healthy parent should be the focus of change. I assert this because by forcing a parent to deal with a disordered other parent, we condemn that person to suffer during what should be the happiest most productive years of their lives. Let’s face it, 18 years is a long time. Also since the psychiatric disorders are partly genetic, these children need the best, least stressful upbringing the least disordered parent can give them.
Please use the comments section to weigh in on your answers and post your own story with regard to these questions.
Skylar:
I don’t get it.
Why can’t I express my opinion about fathers and abuse?
Studies show that if a father is abusing the mother, then half of the time he’ll be abusing the kids, as well. Even if the kids aren’t being directly abused, DV against the mother is BY DEFINITION emotional abuse of a child. In some states, “men” have been charged with child abuse for abusing the mother in front of the kids.
Of course the kids should be taken away if there’s physical/emotional abuse/coercion of the mother – it’s a sign that the man is willing to abuse kids.
When there’s sexual coercion in relationships, it calls into question whether there CAN be valid consent after the incident of coercion. In the example when the woman consents to sex 3 days after being coerced, I’m not sure that “consent” is valid.
Coercion created power difference is no different than intrinstic power differentials (therapist/patient, teacher/student, or guard/inmate) in adult sexual relationships. In both professional sexual boundary violations and sexually coercive relationships, the abuser always has power over the victim.
Good point Brian,
Your mention of guard/prisoner brought to mind though that there are SOME exceptions to this. My P-son was having an affair (he told me, but I saw the two of them together in a prison visitation room and could see the “sparks” flying between their eyes) with a female major at his prison.
I know he was getting a high from the sexual affair and also from the manipulation of this woman, but it definitely was NOT him being coerced. Of course she did have some “power” over him if she got mad at him, but at the same time, he had some “control” and”power” over her too. Plus, the fact that if they had been found out, SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN CHARGED WITH A FELONY!
In general, you are right though, with rare exceptions. Unfortunately, “emotional” abuse (which I think is far more common and as or more damaging than physical abuse) is very rarely prosecuted.
Thanks for your post!
It has been my experience that ps often render the whole problem of parenthood moot by their own poor parenting. My ex-business partner P salesperson likes to boast that she has six children (she uses them to elicit sympathy as part of her business con). The problem is she only really has custody of three … two were taken away from her by the father (good for him) … and one was given up for adoption. When I say “custody”, I mean she is directly in the lives of three of her children however she rarely cares for them. Usually, she has a suckered-in friend do that. Parenthood requires a degree of selflessness she simply doesn’t have.
That doesn’t mean, however, she’s not abusing them. Simply by being part of their lives she’s abusing them. Domination, destruction and debasement are all part of the daily lives of the psychopath. They wouldn’t know how to have a healthy relationship. And they wouldn’t care to try. The moment one of her sons from the first marriage had a child, he wisely restricted her from any access to the infant. She then bought the child’s name as a domain name and turned it into a porn site. Yup, psychopaths tend to mine their own harbors and then forget where the trip wires are.
P’s only appear to be extremely good at selling things because they have no reticence when it comes to lying and deceit. However, my P business partner always sabotaged herself with her own greed and arrogance. Thus, non-Ps actually tend to be better at sales in the long-run because they have empathy for their customers. Selling stuff when done right is the art of helping fulfill the needs of the person. You need empathy and compassion to do that.
TILLY! 🙂
If you’re going to joke, use an emoticon!
If you’re not joking….
I didn’t say what you couldn’t talk about, I was only asking you for an update on your art. I’m very excited about your art work and about how you were painting P’s!
Skylar:
Sorry, I am very defensive right now due to my P art teacher. But you know, I hate talking about it because those articles where they say “you must be negative inside to attract so many P’s around you” really give me the sh#ts! Isn’t it enough that we go through all this crap to be then labeled “your insides are negative so its all your fault anyway, you attracted it because of whats in your mind and heart and you will get the same until you fix it because you are the GREAT UNWASHED and so until you change you will just have to put up with psychopaths for the rest of your life. After all WE have changed and we are doing so much better than you are because we are not NEGATIVE and we have cleansed our KARMA and we are so positive that the sun shines out of our bums!”
Well you know what? I reckon that is just inverted egotism. I reckon that its the LAST thing a victim of a psychopath NEEDS to hear and I reckon if my insides are negative and theirs are positive they have forgotten what the point is. They have forgotten what a shit of a thing that is to say to someone who is trying to survive in this unjust world.
I did every damn course and Catherine Ponder affirmation on the Law of attraction and all that crap that exists. And all it does is turn you into the perfect sitting duck for the next glib, shallow, power hungry, exploiting, controlling, manipulative, empty, hateful, ambitious, no empathy, no love, narcissitic, vengeful, driven,selfish to the core, hardened,vicious, lying, murderous creep of a psychopath anti social deviant sociopath, transparent, hole for a heart, retarded, moron that there is.
MY ART? well, my psychopath teacher wants me to paint a massive canvas of myself as a psychopath. She has NO CLUE. So I will paint my inner psychopath that she is dealing with as we speak. TOWANDA!! And all you pussy positives can go duck yourself! LOL!!!
Or maybe I will paint my psychopath daughter and she will thing it is me anyway.
Point is, my negativity did not create the gentically disposed psychopaths around me. On the contrary, my loving heart and desire to be kind and good and caring created an opportunity for Ps to use it. I never gave up believing in human beings basic goodness for 54 years. Is that NEGATIVE?? I don’t think so. And was not a co-dependent al anon care giving rescuer iether! I did the right thing and I was positive and my insides are as clean as yours Oh Mighty Washed ones! I don’t believe in Karma because I have lived 54 years and never ever seen it once. I believe in a Higher Power of my own understanding. Kama is just a load of it. And maybe i will just paint the King with no clothes on and the P teachers head on him. Because she really is just a big dick anyway.
Nothing like a good dose of shame and guilt “your insides are negative darling, that is why you attract psychopaths into your life. however, I don’t have any in my life anymore dear, because I am holier than thou and God has washed my insides so they are positive . You, however, are just going to have to be patient for another ten years or so, and we will check to see if another psychopath has entered your life, to decide whether your insides are clean or not, pet.”
There is no INSIDE there is ONLY OUTSIDE. Ha ha