Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
How can this be? Is it right, or possible to have compassion for a sociopath? Why should I consider this topic after all the pain that the sociopath has caused me? For some, the very idea may make you angry. If so, my hope is that you read more”¦
In the beginning, I looked at my father as a spiritual vampire with no soul. A person that lived off of others, consuming their money, emotions, kindness and love, then moving on to another. In my dad’s case, he even took their very lives. He deserved to die, I thought. I was OK with the idea of him being condemned to death and being sent to death row. Why not? He deserves it, right?
When I look at a sociopath what do I see?
The sociopath is someone that cannot experience real love, only mimics it. They treat children and relationships like possessions. My father treated me like he would his favorite car, as long as I was good. He killed people because he thought it would make him feel better. This last statement led me to an important question of my own.
How bad could a person possibly feel inside to believe that killing another person would make them feel better, and what does that say about what value they place on their own life?
Exactly what am I seeing when I look at this picture? Another human being (yes they are human beings) that lives in darkness with no clue as to what life really offers, or a monster? A little bit of both I suppose, but the suffering human existence is something that I had not recognized before, because of the hurt that my dad had caused me.
I am trying not to use so many questions in this post, but I am finding it impossible, because this issue raises so many of them. What happens to a person that causes them to live in darkness with no awareness of what love really is? Image a father not being able to understand the love of a child, but to view them as an expendable possession.
During the recovery process, I became friends with a beautiful spiritual woman who also happens to be a licensed clinical social worker with a PhD. I was not a client of hers, but she became one of my most important teachers just the same. One morning, while demonstrating a wonderful technique that she uses to help people heal past emotional deficits, she treated me to a miraculous gift that corrected years of misunderstanding about my father. Since it is something that must be experienced to be truly understood I will keep my description of it as brief as possible. Words just simply will not do justice to this type of deep work.
My friend helped me to settle into a calm and comfortable state and then she began asking me some questions about my family. She asked me to select items in the room that might represent them, and then she asked me to place them where I felt most comfortable.
First, we started with my father, I selected an object that was hard, rough and had no qualities that resembled a person. I then selected items that represented my mother and me as a small child—items that were soft, had character and appeared to be very inviting, almost cuddly. I placed the item for my father across the room from me, and I set my mother and me close by my side. As I sat with this scene a while and took it all in, I noticed how far away I had placed the cold symbol of my father. It was on the other side of the room, as far from me as I could place it.
She then asked me if I could begin to imagine my father as a very small child, playing in the room in front of me. She asked me what that might look like. I imagined my father as a small little boy about two years old, wandering around the room and playing. I felt a since of warmth come over me. The tension left my body and I could feel my heart begin to soften. She asked me then to pick out an object that represented this image, and I found something soft and loveable that resembled the image I had chosen for me and my mom.
Finally, my friend asked me to create the perfect family for my father and to place them together somewhere in the room. I took the object that was my mother, found another soft object, and placed them right next to me on the couch with my father between the two, but touching. As I looked at this image, she asked me to think about what his life might have been like had he been given everything that he needed. I imagined that for a while, and I felt a sense of deep compassion come over me.
I must say that I have no idea what was lacking in my father’s childhood that made him what he became, but I do know this. I can no longer think of my father without the image of the little boy in that room, a little boy who somewhere along the line didn’t get what he needed either. The emotional deficiency regarding my father is no longer there because it has been replaced with compassion and understanding. The process of forgiveness has been completed for me.
This is a very short space to cover this topic, but this experience along with learning the process of letting go, has allowed me to look at all of my brothers and sisters with compassion. I do not know why some suffer more than others, but I cannot imagine a darker existence that one without God, love and fellowship.
I am not sure why we want to help people that are suffering up to a certain point, then decide they crossed some imaginary line that now justifies killing them?
There is no way to convince someone that has been deeply hurt by a sociopath to have compassion for them, but I found my own freedom in this very change in perspective. For me, it brought a sense of understanding that carries over into all of my relationships. I don’t judge people so much anymore. When I see someone acting out or being cruel, I now wonder “what happened to that person to make them feel that way”. (This does not mean I trust them or interact with them, but I do often pray for them. I find great peace (for myself) in praying for others)
I understand that many people believe that the sociopath is victim to a hopeless human condition. There may be no solution today, but I no longer believe in such a thing as a “hopeless human condition”. Until 1930 alcoholism was considered a hopeless human condition and a Miracle changed everything. They locked alcoholics in insane asylums until a miraculous solution was given to the world that now affects millions of lives.
Personally, I have witnessed too many Miracles to considering anything hopeless. I once thought my life’s situation was hopeless and I was wrong. Thank God! I no longer “think” that I am qualified to determine these things and I am much happier this way. A funny thing happens when each situation is approached with hope (not ignorance, but hope). Miracles Happen.
When I approach life with compassion, compassion is exactly what I find! To give IS the same as to receive.
I will continue to write weekly here, but for those that are interested and willing to go more deeply into the process of letting go, please join A Course In Forgiving (begins January 19, 2012). I did not come here to promote The Course, but to offer it to those that feel moved to do something more about the pain in their lives.
There is no fee of (optional donation of up to $25.00) for the six week online course. This Course is designed to guide participants through the Step by Step Spiritual Process of Letting Go with weekly lessons, readings and exercises that are intended to open the pathway to healing and Peace.
If interested, please visit www.victorythroughpeace.com and click the link in the left hand column titled “Six Week Course Online”. For those that participate, I will be available by phone and email to share experience in addition to this weekly blog on Lovefraud.
Peace.
Stargazer: you are absolutely right.
“Is this what I want my life to be about?”
Not what’s left of it. No.
And it’s not likely that it will ever change.
That is a bitter pill to swallow but one that needs to be swallowed, none the less and it’s coming.
Thank you for all your words and support.
They couldn’t have come at a better time.
You guys are pulling me through this.
Love to you ~! Dupey
Back atcha, athena and dupey!
I was thinking about what I read once about finding a compatible partner. Everyone puts their best foot forward when dating a new person. And then at some point, everyone’s shadow side comes out. EVERYONE has a shadow side – not just a s’path. So the question is, does that person have a shadow side you can live with? And vice versa?
One of the managers in my office is blissfully happy with a new guy after getting out of a long marriage to a spath. She told me that her new guy treats her like a queen. But he is SO kind and caring that he lets his grown entitled daughter walk all over him. That is his shadow. He lets people take advantage of his kind nature. She said to me, “If that’s the worst thing about him, I can live with that.”
I know for myself, I can tolerate all kinds of quirks and weirdnesses in my partner. But when I dated the spath and saw the extreme bizarreness of his games, I knew right away, “This is not something I can live with.” To this day, I don’t try to figure him out or question whether he can change. I don’t care. I suspect if he really wanted to, he probably could. It’s not my business. All I know is that I cannot tolerate that kind of mental cruelty. Period. There are no second chances with that stuff.
I really feel that the focus in healing needs to be on OURSELVES and what we are willing and unwilling to tolerate. This is where the boundaries come in. It doesn’t matter what the spath wants, what he/she is thinking, what his/her motives are. I honestly could not tell you what my spath’s motives are or were. I blew a circuit in my brain trying to figure it out. I don’t really care, and it’s not my business anymore. I only know “This does not work for ME”. That’s all I need to know.
Hearing the strength in your voice, star, gives me strength too. I hope I can stay in this spot for a while.
I too blew a circuit in my brain – how many books, how many man hours, how much effort – trying to understand my spath. Holy shit, I worked and worked at it. I still do sometimes.
I have learned though that I was so willing to accept his shitty behavior, I thought it was my fault, because my N mother walked all over me. She blamed me for things. I took responsibility to make things right, to make her happy. LOL.
What a foolish thing to do. I didn’t learn the right boundaries.
Now, how many decades later, I’m learning.
HUGS TO YOU.
Star, your friend’s new lover who lets his daughter “walk all over him” may have a problem later when he expects her to allow this same daughter to walk all over HER…so that may NOT be the worst side of him.
When a person lets ANYONE walk all over them there may be some other problems there to go with it….remember…? WE allowed others to walk all over us, at least some others, for some period of time….some of us for longer periods than others. So, what my point is is that him allowing his daughter to walk all over him may be a sign of a very dysfunctional person without boundaries, and who wants that? Not me. I don’t want a person who doesn’t have boundaries as my lover/husband, and I sure don’t want to BE a person without boundaries.
Excellent point, Ox.
A person has to have boundaries.
A person without boundaries: what kind of person is that?
I completely agree.
Thanks for this right now…
RIGHT THIS MOMENT. xxoo
Athena, your courage gives me hope too. I am not healed and whole, though I’ve come a long long way from my abusive past. I still have periods of unspeakable pain. I stop opening up to people and trusting them for very minor things – I’m SO sensitive to abandonment. So it’s hard for me to form longterm relationships, and none of them are as deep as I’d like. We are all just where we’re at, you know?
You weren’t foolish, athena. Your mother was unhappy, and she took it out on you. As a child you just internalized that because that’s what children do. Your mother did not respect your boundaries because of her own pain. It’s so sad when that happens.
I remember when I was in my 30’s, an old friend from high school used to call me and I’d vent my depression to him. He would ask me, “What is it that you would really like to do at this moment?” Do you know I couldn’t answer. I didn’t even know what I wanted to do – to eat, to lie down, to read, etc. It took so many years to figure out what I think, feel, and want. But I think this is everyone’s task in life – to figure out who they are.
I still have trouble finding my boundaries sometimes. I recently sold my condo and am renting it back from a landlord. He was in town from London and we had a nice visit. He actually invited me out on the town, just platonically, which I accepted. The next day, he was emailing me and asking me if I would look into prices on the repairs my unit needed. I think he wanted free labor (from me) while he pays for the parts. It actually took me a while to realize I had to set a boundary with him. I wanted to just be nice and accommodate him because he’d taken me out on the town. But instead, I told him that I didn’t not want to do my own repairs, and this was the reason I sold my unit. It felt SO good. I was, however, willing to call a few of my handyman friends to see if they wanted to work for him. To me, this was a win-win because it also helps my friends out.
I actually worried that he would get angry at me for setting a boundary. To my surprise, he was very nice about it. I’m 51 and I’m still learning, too.
Dupey, you are welcome. I just thought about the man letting someone walk on him was NOT a “good sign”—maybe that he is not a physical abuser, but it may mean he is PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE or any number of other things it could signal. It sure doesn’t seem healthy. I know I was NOT healthy when I allowed others to walk on me—
Oxy, my friend (with the boyfriend who has the entitled daughter) is a very strong person and does not let the daughter act entitled around her. But she also does not tell him what kind of father to be. His daughter is grown, and she tries not to interfere in their relationship. So far, it has not been an issue for her. She just noticed that he is a pushover with her, and that this is his weakness. But she is able to accept that about him. She wasn’t complaining to me about it. She told me in the context of that being his shadow side, and how it is something she can deal with. I respect her for that. She is actually very happy with him, and has been consistently happy for many months since she’s met him. No one is perfect. Every married person I know has some gripe about some little quirk about their partner.
Star, I’m 65 and I’m still learning….I hope I am til the day I die!
Hi everyone,
This thread has really hit home with recent events in my life. My spath estranged husband was also my best friend, lover, confidant (so I thought)…. we built a life together, a family, strong ties , had many deep, shared experiences, he always told me I was his soul mate… really sucked me in. In early December I found out completely out of the blue that he has been molesting my 17 year old daughter for years. She went to an online help website and wrote a plea for help. The spath had told her that she would destroy our family, cause him to commit suicide, cause me to have a nervous breakdown and ruin everyone’s life if she ever told. Children’s Services found out from the website and notified me. I confronted him and he eventually confessed then left. We gave police reports, my poor daughter had to go through a forensic exam and I became so sick from the shock, pain and stress that I nearly had to be hospitalized. I had NC with the spath for several weeks. I got myself and my daughter into counseling. I have gone through a rollercoaster of emotions…. from missing him and feeling like I would truly die (though I realize I was missing the illusion of what I hoped he was)…. then disgust and sheer total anger, then sadness and despair beyond belief. Then the cycle repeats itself over and over. My spath was very controlling and isolating, he had fits of very inappropriate anger which he vented on me completely out of the blue, then a switch would flip and he would be so sorry…. rationalizing his behavior on “stress” or “politics at his workplace”. I certainly saw the red flags, but I would forgive him, try hard to understand him and “fix” it. It never was fixed. I was his whipping boy. He was Jekylll and Hyde. Loving, then dangerously hateful. I limped through the worst holiday season of my life, so sick and debilitated that I could barely function. I tried hard to maintain some stability for my kids. I also have a 13 year old son that lives with me. My son is still confused… he had a strong attachment to the spath and doesn’t understand his sudden disappearance. This was a second marriage for me. Unfortunately, I also had a spath first husband who emotionally beat me and abused me for 17 years. He criticized me, eroded my confidence, lied, manipulated and had multiple affairs. I was in counseling for years when I was with him, too… thought I made progress and was stronger. He reluctantly went to counseling toward the end of our marriage… but never applied himself and basically blamed everything on me. I found the strength to leave that marriage, then the new spath started courting me. I guess I was too vulnerable, too raw to see who he was then. He was wonderful back then… so concerned, so protective, so loving. I thought God has given me a wonderful gift. But in retrospect, I see the flags. He pushed hard to get deeply involved very quickly, then pushed hard to marry me quickly. I stepped back, very uncertain… but at the same time craving his attention and perceived “love”. Eventually I married him. I failed to protect my assets. He insisted on having his name put on my house which I had substantial equity in when I refinanced it after my first divorce. I built a new clinic (I am a fairly successful professional in my small town) and he became hateful and demanded that his name be put on the title of my new clinic. I finally relented and his sweet charming nature reappeared. I took that man to Hawaii five times, to Las Vegas multiple times, California, Florida, Canada…. he always craved another adventure and more excitement. Nothing was ever enough. I bought him two motorcycles, tried to give him what he wanted to make him happy. But his “happiness” was always fleeting…. he consistently moved on to something else he wanted. He did seem like a caring father, which is one of the main reasons I overlooked or “forgave” his other behaviors. My children have a very weak relationship with their biological spath father… he is very superficial with them and sporadically visits, but seems to just want to possess them and have them around rather than spend and real quality time with them. My second husband, however, spent a great deal of time with my children… we took them on most of our trips, he did many things with them, bought them things, spoiled them. He took a special interest in my daughter and told me he was trying to make up for her lack of relationship with her own biological father. I truly thought he loved them and was at least a good father figure. How blindsided I was. Well, after a few weeks of this horror after he left, he started texting and calling me. I didn’t respond for a while, but he was so remorseful…. wanted to put our family back together… would do anything I wanted. I had already filed for divorce by this time and he told me a divorce would kill him. I consulted the detective on his case, my counselor, and the Children’s Services worker…. even a pastor for advice. All warned me to be very cautious… but the detective did say that if I could get him to come forward and confess… it would be very helpful for the prosecution. So I broke the NC and told my spath that he needed to do the right thing… that I would possibly put the divorce on hold if he would get himself into treatment, demonstrate to the court that he was deeply sorry and wanted to change, go to a psychiatrist and a counselor, and when he was indicted… not put my poor daughter and myself through a trial, but come forward and cooperate. He, of course, promised over and over that he would. He’d do anything. He loved me. Loved the kids. Missed his life. Would do anything. This all caused me so much turmoil I’m not sure why I’m not in a mental hospital by now. But I kept talking to him and urging him to do the right thing. Well… he made a counseling appointment. Cancelled it twice. He half-heartedly looked into treatment programs. Never followed through. He started laying guilt trips on me. Why wouldn’t I see him? He was so lonely. He loved me. I was being so mean. He twisted things once again to make everything seem like it was my fault. I refused to see him. He snapped again. Called me a bitch. Said horrible, hateful things. I was the bad one, not him. So I failed again. I was sucked in, tried to help, felt compassion…. and was slapped in the face by my so-called “soul mate”. I’m done. I have a restraining order on him and I am blocking his number from my phone. NC is truly the only way to go. I am focusing on my daughter and my son. They are my life and my focus and the bad man must be surgically excised from our lives like a malignant tumor. But it is so, so difficult.
Thanks for listening everyone. I’m just putting one foot in front of the other day by day.
June