Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
How can this be? Is it right, or possible to have compassion for a sociopath? Why should I consider this topic after all the pain that the sociopath has caused me? For some, the very idea may make you angry. If so, my hope is that you read more”¦
In the beginning, I looked at my father as a spiritual vampire with no soul. A person that lived off of others, consuming their money, emotions, kindness and love, then moving on to another. In my dad’s case, he even took their very lives. He deserved to die, I thought. I was OK with the idea of him being condemned to death and being sent to death row. Why not? He deserves it, right?
When I look at a sociopath what do I see?
The sociopath is someone that cannot experience real love, only mimics it. They treat children and relationships like possessions. My father treated me like he would his favorite car, as long as I was good. He killed people because he thought it would make him feel better. This last statement led me to an important question of my own.
How bad could a person possibly feel inside to believe that killing another person would make them feel better, and what does that say about what value they place on their own life?
Exactly what am I seeing when I look at this picture? Another human being (yes they are human beings) that lives in darkness with no clue as to what life really offers, or a monster? A little bit of both I suppose, but the suffering human existence is something that I had not recognized before, because of the hurt that my dad had caused me.
I am trying not to use so many questions in this post, but I am finding it impossible, because this issue raises so many of them. What happens to a person that causes them to live in darkness with no awareness of what love really is? Image a father not being able to understand the love of a child, but to view them as an expendable possession.
During the recovery process, I became friends with a beautiful spiritual woman who also happens to be a licensed clinical social worker with a PhD. I was not a client of hers, but she became one of my most important teachers just the same. One morning, while demonstrating a wonderful technique that she uses to help people heal past emotional deficits, she treated me to a miraculous gift that corrected years of misunderstanding about my father. Since it is something that must be experienced to be truly understood I will keep my description of it as brief as possible. Words just simply will not do justice to this type of deep work.
My friend helped me to settle into a calm and comfortable state and then she began asking me some questions about my family. She asked me to select items in the room that might represent them, and then she asked me to place them where I felt most comfortable.
First, we started with my father, I selected an object that was hard, rough and had no qualities that resembled a person. I then selected items that represented my mother and me as a small child—items that were soft, had character and appeared to be very inviting, almost cuddly. I placed the item for my father across the room from me, and I set my mother and me close by my side. As I sat with this scene a while and took it all in, I noticed how far away I had placed the cold symbol of my father. It was on the other side of the room, as far from me as I could place it.
She then asked me if I could begin to imagine my father as a very small child, playing in the room in front of me. She asked me what that might look like. I imagined my father as a small little boy about two years old, wandering around the room and playing. I felt a since of warmth come over me. The tension left my body and I could feel my heart begin to soften. She asked me then to pick out an object that represented this image, and I found something soft and loveable that resembled the image I had chosen for me and my mom.
Finally, my friend asked me to create the perfect family for my father and to place them together somewhere in the room. I took the object that was my mother, found another soft object, and placed them right next to me on the couch with my father between the two, but touching. As I looked at this image, she asked me to think about what his life might have been like had he been given everything that he needed. I imagined that for a while, and I felt a sense of deep compassion come over me.
I must say that I have no idea what was lacking in my father’s childhood that made him what he became, but I do know this. I can no longer think of my father without the image of the little boy in that room, a little boy who somewhere along the line didn’t get what he needed either. The emotional deficiency regarding my father is no longer there because it has been replaced with compassion and understanding. The process of forgiveness has been completed for me.
This is a very short space to cover this topic, but this experience along with learning the process of letting go, has allowed me to look at all of my brothers and sisters with compassion. I do not know why some suffer more than others, but I cannot imagine a darker existence that one without God, love and fellowship.
I am not sure why we want to help people that are suffering up to a certain point, then decide they crossed some imaginary line that now justifies killing them?
There is no way to convince someone that has been deeply hurt by a sociopath to have compassion for them, but I found my own freedom in this very change in perspective. For me, it brought a sense of understanding that carries over into all of my relationships. I don’t judge people so much anymore. When I see someone acting out or being cruel, I now wonder “what happened to that person to make them feel that way”. (This does not mean I trust them or interact with them, but I do often pray for them. I find great peace (for myself) in praying for others)
I understand that many people believe that the sociopath is victim to a hopeless human condition. There may be no solution today, but I no longer believe in such a thing as a “hopeless human condition”. Until 1930 alcoholism was considered a hopeless human condition and a Miracle changed everything. They locked alcoholics in insane asylums until a miraculous solution was given to the world that now affects millions of lives.
Personally, I have witnessed too many Miracles to considering anything hopeless. I once thought my life’s situation was hopeless and I was wrong. Thank God! I no longer “think” that I am qualified to determine these things and I am much happier this way. A funny thing happens when each situation is approached with hope (not ignorance, but hope). Miracles Happen.
When I approach life with compassion, compassion is exactly what I find! To give IS the same as to receive.
I will continue to write weekly here, but for those that are interested and willing to go more deeply into the process of letting go, please join A Course In Forgiving (begins January 19, 2012). I did not come here to promote The Course, but to offer it to those that feel moved to do something more about the pain in their lives.
There is no fee of (optional donation of up to $25.00) for the six week online course. This Course is designed to guide participants through the Step by Step Spiritual Process of Letting Go with weekly lessons, readings and exercises that are intended to open the pathway to healing and Peace.
If interested, please visit www.victorythroughpeace.com and click the link in the left hand column titled “Six Week Course Online”. For those that participate, I will be available by phone and email to share experience in addition to this weekly blog on Lovefraud.
Peace.
Littlewhitehorse,
I understand that you are angry but still, you don’t come across as bitter. You were attacked by an evil being, who if given any small opening would come back to finish the job, so I think your anger is protective and very good for you right now. It comes from your gut but not from your heart. There is also revulsion at his sick behavior. That comes from the gut too.
I think those are healthy feelings that protects us from harmful things. The compassion is just another layer of protection. I think that compassion is a layer of gratitude and humility when we realize that our goodness is a gift from God and not entirely due to our own merits. That’s how it protects us from becoming bitter and envious like the spaths.
Thanks Skylar. Yes I am angry but not bitter. Life hits you with bangers.
But I battled evil and I know it. He is my enemy to me and my children and I will always battle evil when I come across it.
If God had not wanted me to–I would still be in its grip.
I too am humble and grateful for much that I have in life.
Hot and cold running water. Enough money to get by and most of all my kids and animals and also my freedom.
What more do I need.
I will never waste my compassion on anyone again that I feel doesn’t derverve it. I will leave that to other stronger souls.
I won’t be fooled again.
Thanks again Skylar for reflecting back at me my intentions. It helped clarify.
xxx
Then again-never say never.
xxx
Travis ~ thank you for the apology. Even though this topic is controversial, in my opinion, it is one that needs to be discussed and I thank you for having the courage to bring it up.
I needed to let you know that the several references to providing the child with what he or she needed would somehow change the child was something that really bothered me. It bothered me because it was something that I have heard over and over throughout life with my daughter. First I heard it from the professionals that we took her to. It must be my fault that she is acting out in this manner, if I just gave her more attention, changed my parenting techniques etc., she would respond. I even heard it from well meaning relatives and friends. Then, because of the outrageous lies she told anyone and everyone, I heard it from teachers, parents of her friends. Finally, I sat through custody hearings where I heard her therapists testify that she suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder because of the abuse she had suffered as a child. These same therapists actually recommended that we not be considered to take care of her child because we should not be trusted with children. I sat there and listened to her attorney say her father and I were alcoholics and frequent drug users and this is why she had “issues”. Just as you spoke of your writing is from personal experience, this has been my personal experience.
Travis, please understand, I feel your writings here on LF have been extremely helpful. Your message on compassion and forgiveness is a very important one to becoming whole again.
Oxy – YES YES YES – if we allow them to make us bitter and hateful people – they have won. She will not take that from me, no one will.
Sky – Yes, I did mention that my daughter had this need for attention from a very early age. While her actions became much worse after puberty, she exhibited serious signs from a very early age. At almost four years old she intentionally and maliciously opened a security gate and pushed her nine month old baby brother down a flight of stairs in his walker. She then rushed down the stairs and pretended to come to his aid. Unbelieveably, he only had a rug burn down his face because he could have been killed. While I never could figure out how in the world the gate could have come open, I never knew she had done this until many years later when she was raging at me and told me what she had done. I don’t think she made it up because it was the only explanation that made sense.
She also tried to set the house on fire several times and would steal things constantly.
Littlewhitehorse ~ I totally understand where you are coming from, hurting your children is a line that can not be crossed. The pure evil, I can understand where you are coming from.
Your statement about adults and children following God and those that may follow darkness rang a bell. My southern baptist in laws (he is a pastor) have told me that they believe my daughter is the way she is because the devil is struggling with God over her soul. I am not at all sure that I believe that. I don’t follow many of the southern baptist beliefs, but I don’t judge them either. Just thought I would mention it.
MiLO
I did read a book how the disordered memory works. Maybe Oxy can recall the book b/c I think it’s one she recommended. It gave me a lot of aha moments b/c I have struggled with how someone could believe/remember things that are so clearly untrue. The swiss cheese memory confounds me; total detail on some events that I thought insignificant yet NO memory on life changing events. I will look for the book and post the title if I find it.
Something I do believe, when a disordered person says they did something horrific, it’s the one time they are most likely telling the truth.
Littlewhitehorse ~ I was thinking more about what you said and remembered this –
I live in a community with a very large Amish population. Several years ago, in another Amish community in the next State over, there was a mass shooting in an Amish school. A man entered the school, lined the children up and shot several of them. There was actually a movie made about the incident.
Several days after the shooting, my neighbor who has several school age children, was in WalMart and was approached by a non Amish woman. This woman said how wonderful she thought it was that the Amish were such a forgiving people, to have forgiven the shooter and were praying for him. My neighbor said, I may be of the Amish faith, but I am a mother first and Amish second. If it had been one of my children, I would never forget or forgive. I hope he rots in He**.
Mothers are mothers. I believe that this was the subject of the movie, a mother of one of the children that could not bring herself to forgive and how she struggled with that.
Oxy ~ the Amish still practice shunning.
Hi Milo
I think that if you are a person that believes in God then it follows that there must be an opposition in your beliefs i.e. the Devil
Same with goodness and evil
Light and dark
Psychologists would call it our conscience.
But it is the pleasure aspect.
For me I gain pleasure from seeing people happy or empowered in some way.
Spaths are the opposite
Before the spath attack of my Ex H–I believed that good and evil were opposing forces in our universe. If evil got too strong–good would rise up eventually to oppose. Like wars. genocide etc.
I always felt good would prevail.
But this was a world view born from contentment. I had healed all previous abuse within and I felt at peace with the world.
I revisited this concept atfter the battle with the spath H. Peace and love and harmony had lost. She lay on the floor broken–her mind shattered and soul raped. Yes I lost that battle big time. Evil was too strong and used the element of surprise.
It knew what it was doing.
But then I thought–yes I lost the battle. It won–but have I lost the war. Long term I think I won the war. He has no connection with his children and lives a solitary life with his mother which he love/hates. He lost the love of a woman-me-who cared deeply for him.
He is a coward and won’t form another intimate relationship. Do you know why–cos he has a wee tadger. lol. This is the truth-he wouldn’t put his fragile ego on the line.
I reconnected with my mum after many years apart and it is great and I have my kids and freedom.
But I am still healing. A battle with evil depletes you and you get wounded.
I once read somewhere that for every evil act you need to counteract with five good acts to level. No wonder us goodies get frustrated-especially if we are dealing with it alone. LOL
As for your daughter. I don’t know-it depends on your perceptions. I have a sister who grew up at the same time as me-only a year younger and was violent to me and others before I went NC with her. I think she has HPD. She wasn’t treated any differnt from any of us-there are four-but she was always jealous–especially of me as I am her only sister.
In my experience-there are many families with one bad apple. There are also some shit parents with lovely kids.
It is choice
Following good be it happiness for myself and others gives me a buzz and I get the pleasure of feeling good about myself.
So a spath and following evil and revelling in the misfortunes of others gives them a buzz. But I don’t think they feel good about themselves only a transient surge of power.
And this makes them jealous of you.
I never think it’s the parents fault-I mean look at Travis.
And yes-I’m a she tiger where my kids are concerned.
xxx
Thanks Katy ~ I do believe that she did open the gate and push him. Just the way it came out in a “rage”, only a couple of years ago. I didn’t react at the time, then later I mentioned it to her and she said “Why do you say that”, like I had dreamed it.
It also is the only thing that makes sense. The gate was secure and locked and there was just no other way, except somebody opening it. At the time, it never even crossed my mind that she was capable of doing such a thing. The best part – it was the day before we went to court to finalize the baby’s adoption. I guess she really didn’t want competition for attention.
Littlewhitehorse – sorry we posted over each other. I am just so glad you got away.
Yes, I agree, look at Travis, look at Katy, look at so many others on here that had horrific childhoods and look how they have overcome and the inspirational people they have become.
Years ago, when I worked in Children Services, we would notice that it seemed the kids that came from the worst of the worst, abuse wise, somehow came out the other end in better shape than some of the less severe cases.
LittleWhiteHorse
My X! husband derived his feeling of superiority from one upping others. But you make a good point, that it’s TRANSIENT and thus they have to hit that button again and again. My spath suffered diminishing returns and he needed new victims.
I do think that our ability to feel long term satisfaction makes them envious, that’s why they attack what give us pleasure. My X! husband attacked my love for music, that I didn’t deserve it, and the stereo was trashed. For a long time I agreed that I didn’t deserve it, but when I got involved with music again, I realized what was taken from me was more than music, it was a destressor. He took what HELPED me cope with his abuse. Mf’r. (I LOVE ClassicFm.com you lucky Uk)
I also think abuse is a CONSCIOUS choice. His parents had the most hateful marriage I’d ever seen and before we married, we pledged to NEVER be like them. I remember my X! husband telling our psychologist that he CHOSE to start using the same abuses on me that his father did to his mother as a way to exert control over me. I maintained that pledge, I didn’t become like his mother, his father, my mother, nor my father. I became like my neighbors who are still pretty terrific role models.