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By September 16, 2012 46 Comments Read More →

Poetry–during and after the sociopath

Editor’s note: The following poems were sent to Lovefraud by the reader who goes by “Gia Rad.” She describes herself as a “recovering people-pleaser, ex-victim, natural health practitioner, mother and survivor.”

Positive ”¦
by Gia Rad

Today, I feel positive.
Positive that a new era is emerging
And I’ve left behind for good the hell I once lived with you.
Positive that not every day and night is a nightmare in disguise.
Today, I choose to smile at the rainbow
And stand defiantly in the pouring rain
As I’m positive, for the first time in ”¦ forever
That I’ve survived what many don’t, and will even blossom with time.
Positive that I’ve learned to avoid your type
And keep myself away from the evil lurking in the darkness of your soul.
Penniless I am, emotionally impoverished yes, I admit
Yet POSITIVE I’ve gained my strength ”¦ and tomorrow I’ll show the world
I’ve learned ”¦ To love and trust myself again.

You’ll see that Positive is proof I’m getting better particularly in contrast to an earlier poem called Life ”¦

Life
by Gia Rad

“Life” has dealt me a fatal blow
and I’m lying here dying ”¦
On my deathbed I write to say
That “Life” is code for You.
Didn’t know that giving you my heart would cost my life
Had no idea that your vampire self would drink my blood.
Good bye my former friend and lover
Farewell, to the one who never deserved a moment of my time.


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Donna, thank you for posting these poignant expressions.

Gia, just for reference for those of us who are struggling to recover, what is the time-frame between these two pieces? There’s been a lot of discussion about how long recovery takes, and “Positive….” is an incredible piece that reflects strength, resolve, and aggressive healing.

I’m looking forward to the day when I actually “feel” unbridled joy of Life with a spectacular sunset or raucous laughter that comes up from my gut. The day will come, I know.

Brightest blessings, and sincere thanks for these expressions

Dear Truthie:

The two ‘expressions’ as you adequately call them were written about 10 months apart. Everyone’s experience is unique and several important factors must be carefully considered as far as recovery is concerned…. the length of time the abuse was perpetrated, the nature of the abuse, the overall strength of the ‘victim’ to begin with, and most importantly, whether there is 100% NC with the disordered person. If there are children or ongoing dealings with the s’path or their family members/’friends’, then the recovery process will be slower. I am blessed in that i was able to cut off ALL contact and have nothing to do with the unwell person. The 100% NC has really helped my recovery process tremendously, as well as prayer and supportive friends. I also made it a point to not wallow in it when the ‘funk’ of sadness and self pity would threaten to set in and take over. I’d shake myself off and PUSH myself out there — for a brisk walk while listening to upbeat music, or a bike ride, or to see a friend and share a cup of tea, whatever. I refused to allow myself to drag around and be sad. So my advice is don’t wait for the day. Make beautiful days happen for yourself as often as possible. Go out and enjoy the sunset, appreciate the starry night sky & notice beauty every chance you get. Rent funny movies and practice laughter – even if it doesn’t feel genuine yet. Soul hugs and angel’s kisses to you as you heal my friend…

I love it! I can “Hear” it in your writing…good, sunny, promising days are ahead! Go Gia!

GIA says: Make beautiful days happen: This morning I was jogging as I do almost every morning. I was not even half way done and I was slowing down; I said to myself “I’m tired”….I then analyzed…..I was slowing down because of my thoughts. My sister just passed away and I’m dealing with a lot. I wasn’t tired….I was letting my thoughts weigh me down…slow me down. I thought to myself “I will worry and think about this later.” I cranked up my MP3 and had a great jog! Mind over matter….great advice GIA “Make beautiful days happen for yourself as often as possible!”

Dear Olga: I am so sorry for your loss. Love never dies a natural death… However, in spite of everything, I commend you for jogging. How awesome that you’re giving yourself the endorphins and the oxygen your body so badly craves!!! Keep running girl!!!! Exercise is huge in helping us with the recovery process as the endorphins produced during exercise help fight Stress… and I don’t need to tell you (or the other lovefraud readers) how stressful and toxic it is to have danced with the devil…

Oh, and one more thing…. when I previously wrote to Truthie about not allowing the sadness to take over, I didn’t mean that we should just stuff the feelings and pretend all is OK. No, not at all. I made time to write out all my pain and also went to counseling. I made the effort to destroy objects that “it” had given me and I destroyed all images associated with that horrific stage in my life. The point is that I planned those “purging” sessions into my schedule… I didn’t allow that terrible “funk” to take over and color my days with darkness. Olga, you also made a very important point in your message… the one about how our thoughts affect us. We all know how our ‘story’ we tell ourselves can make or break us. Let’s tell ourselves empowering, beautiful messages on a daily basis. Because we ARE worthwhile, we ARE precious souls, and our contribution to our world IS meaningful.

Warm Love & Blessings to you and all the other BEAUTIFUL Lovefraud Peeps!

Olga, I am so sorry that your sister passed. I remember that you had a terrible incident with the spath during this most difficult time. Bless you, dear heart, and my deepest condolences to you and your family on your sister’s passing.

Gia, yes – the purging is required for me, as well. I’ve been doing a lot of burning, lately – literally. I burned as many things as I could find that were associated with the exspath. Other things, I’ve broken or thrown out of the window. I’m still waiting for Divine Inspiration on what to do with the wedding band. It’s only sterling silver, so not much point in trying to sell it. But, I want to do something “creative” in its destruction or disposal.

Finding something positive becomes less and less of a challenge. Yeah, things aren’t good, right now, but it’s mainly financial issues. Yeah, I still find myself thinking about the exspath in his “new relationship” and wondering if he’s pulling the same crap with his playmate, but I am learning how to quickly put the kaibosh on that.

Life can be beautiful, and that appreciation will come in due time, I’m certain.

Brightest blessings

I am in tears and thankful for the poems…when I see that depth of my own pain expressed as well as the growth that has taken place. Words that I can not seem to find myself…I know someone knows exactly what I endured and the work androad travelled to see better days. I need that connection. Thank you.

Thank you Donna,Truthy and Gia. It has been an awakening experience to have lost my sister. It is like I am on this Journey and it is and educational one. My God the things life teaches us when we pay attention!
PEACE

I think it would be great and most inspiring if we could set up a thread, specifically to post poems that we write….

I neglected to say, “Thank You” for sharing your beautiful and most insightful poetry, Gia…

Dear Alive: yes, we’ve all known that pain, that soul rape that was perpetrated against us for no good cause…. other than we were too compassionate and too pure to see the blackness in their soul…. we couldn’t have imagined there was such a thing so sick, so perverse, so ugly. Yet, we’re alive, and smiling with the wisdom experience brings, with the knowing that our purpose has yet to be fulfilled… glad to be your sister, your fellow survivor, your friend.

Shane, I agree we should have a place to share our poems.

Here’s another one i wrote recently:

Words, words and more empty words
so much wasted time, precious time
discontent, hatred and envy
lurks in that empty man devoid of feeling
the man who never was…

once the mask slipped and the devil was revealed
she turned her back and gone was she
never to give him another thought as he’s
the man who never was…

he loiters, cringes and whinges his drama
wallows in his self inflicted version of hell
he stalks, sneers and mocks
planning his revenge, venting his fury to all and none
the man who never was…

his feckless attempts to malign and slander
are nothing more than positive proof
that nothing good comes out of him who’s a lie
the man who never was…

for he is empty, devoid of human love and feeling
his hollow self is entirely false
masquerading as a man with honor, values
yet is nothing… but a man who never was.

Gia,
yes, laughter is good medicine. I used it so many times to survive the spath. Thank you for reminding me. Sometimes I forget and get dragged back into sadness.

These poems are so good. They say exactly what goes on in the dynamics of the relationship with a sociopath. It’s still and I assume will always be difficult at best to try to make people who haven’t been in a relationship with one, understand what happens. The poems are so right on.

Hi, all. Long time lurker, first time responder. Olga, I am deeply sorry to hear of your loss. May you both be at peace.

I really wanted to share this little “poem” that popped into my mind the other day. I’m sure you’ve all heard the popular song that this is based on, so sing along. I call it, “No Contact.”

I’ve known you ten years,
And this is insane.
You know my number,
Don’t call me a-gain!

That’s all I got. Peace and love to you all.

I had a friend and co-worker who has destroyed my life after Ten years,who I believe is a Sociopath. The poems here are great. I can’t say how much of a strain I go through daily. Thank You for sharing them.

Dear David, Liedto and Kmillercats, welcome to LF and sorry that you have a reason to be here, but glad that you found your way here. There’s lots of good support and learning here.

They do destroy, but they don’t get US, the essence of US, so read, learn and take back your power! God bless.

Interesting how we survivors become poets…I write some dark ones myself. LOL But there is great therapy in poetry. Thank you Donna, Gia and LiedTo for sharing yours.

SPATH HAIKU

serene soft fall breeze
fare-thee-well thine psychopath
darkness fades to light

Betsy ~ i chuckled at your comment – “interesting how we survivors become poets” so true that is… i guess we’re proving that necessity IS the mother of invention. We all have been brutally betrayed and we have a lot to grieve and a lot to share. SO Much pain to purge. Most people who haven’t had the misfortune we’ve had cannot possibly understand or believe such monsters really exist. We know otherwise. David, i hear your pain when you say “can’t say what a strain I go through daily”…. I’ve been there, I understand the torment. Just know and trust that brighter, better days are ahead. You WILL heal, you WILL feel free again — to trust and to enjoy friendship without fear and anxiety. It brings a smile to my heart to know that my “expressions” blessed any of you in some small way. I encourage all of you to share your poetry here. Doing so has been strangely liberating for me. I used to post on Lovefraud under another name… not my own. It was that shame and fear of further humiliation and possible retribution from the exspath. Now I really don’t care anymore. He doesn’t exist for me… as I know the “he” I thought he was.. is actually not human, so “it” doesn’t matter. When I finally turned THAT corner…. I wrote “The Man Who Never Was” — for that is truly what these people are…. subhuman.
Blessings and gentle tender hugs to all!

Gia, Blessings and hugs back to you!

Shane, Love the Haiku!!
Darkness fades to light. Brilliant!!

Here’s one of mine. Short and to the point.

Marriages drag wedding anniversaries through the house, Once a year,
And, Frankly, The mess they leave, gets worse and worse.

Kim,
Oh MY..

Thank you, Kim.

I think yours is most profound.

Sorry about the mess. I hope that some day very soon, things will only get better and better for you! You deserve all the best that life has to offer.

Shane, i neglected to tell you, I loove your Haiku! and Kim, most of us can relate to your tragic depiction of the mess left behind by a bad marriage…but I hope you know that there ARE good people out there! I know, I have a few friends who are very happily married. I know a rare, extinct species, but they do exist! Since my exspath, I’ve been blessed with some truly beautiful friendships… a few true men – deserving of the name — and honorable, generous, and honest! WOW~! Spoilt for choice now…. such a wonderful place to be….

Shane,
I love that too.
darkness fades to light. nice.

Gia,
thanks for offering hope. we love to hear stories of hope.

Thank you, Gia! Happy for you and the “wonderful place” you are in, now….

Thanks Skylar. You seem like you could have some poetry up your sleeve, as well …

… and to all, a goodnight.

Shane,
maybe.
I’m afraid of poetry. I don’t get it, usually.
BTW, I couldn’t sing on key until, THE DAY I left my spath. who knew?

maybe I’ll try.

Sky, wow! that’s fascinating – the singing on key… and the timing of your beautiful discovery. It’s like you “found your voice” and decided to save it for something worthwhile…. instead of your precious words and songs falling on the undeserving spath. Keep singing Sky, and yes, i agree with Shane, there’s a poet lurking inside your soul…. we all have a poet within… nothin’ to fear… express yourself and smile ‘-)

Hi Sky, I understand. I too had been afraid of it. Or, actually, I loved to read and write it, however, never express it outwardly. When I had an account on fakebook for a few months, a friend of mine started a tradition called “Friday Haiku”, and every Friday she and many of her friends would post Haiku regarding all different subjects or feeling or experiences (although original Japanese premise/ base consisting of seasons and nature). I LOVED reading, and wished I could write, however, I felt that I could not get it out correctly. Someone told me, “Don’t try and control it. Just express whatever you wish, however you wish to. Just try it.” So I did. And it was fun, and felt good to participate in this group of expressive people. And it was creative and I love “creative”. It is the only thing that I have missed about my experience with FB, therefore my thoughts piqued by Gia’s poetry post, of how great it would be to have a place for us all to express through poetry (and Haiku), here on LF. Try it. No one judges. It is about what is inside of you, and not to make any sort of impression, or something tht requires a special skill of any kind. Just pure expression, of anything at all. The first one I wrote was simply about bright yellow tulips on my drafting table. Happy day to everyone !

Thank you to writer of this poem for I have chosen the first poem, to influence my strength for healing and personal empowerment.

I have never known, yet learning what it feels like to have self empowerment. I have the right to make the decisions on what is good for me and learning to listen to the inner warning signals.

I was raised by 2 sociopaths and unknowing of the truth if either one might be biologically related to me (scary). My life was living hell and so much tried to escape within myself to survive. In the process through torture (emotional, physical, and sexual abuse) I had never learned what I COULD have been instead; only surviving for next day of possible truly running away. When I became of legal age I married to get the hell away from them however; my mind and soul was bleeding and still survival mode.
They tried to murder my soul and almost won. I’m thankful God is working in my soul and life to heal me so I won’t be a target any longer. For I have been groomed not only to live with psychopaths but; to be a scapegoat for them. NO LONGER
What daemonic forces may have been involved for me to be living in hell during my lack of childhood years, I have give to God, to use to benefit mankind. GOD has the right to heal me and I want to help other adult children and children to their path of healing from being raised by these evil type of child abusers.

Shane,
okay, you said just pure expression. So here is my first poem.

Ode to a Spath.

Spath, fuck off! no wait!
I’m sorry, let God heal you,
because I cannot.
Good bye.

skylar

Omgosh you way too funny. I like yours the best.

🙂
RBS, I’m glad you liked it.
My favorite band, Rush, has a new album out. It’s all about SPATHS!!

One of their songs is about NC. Neil Peart is much more talented than I, but they inspired my poem.

All that you can do is wish them well
All that you can do is wish them well

Spirits turned bitter by the poison of envy
Always angry and dissatisfied
Even the lost ones, the frightened and mean ones
Even the ones with a devil inside

Thank your stars you’re not that way
Turn your back and walk away
Don’t even pause and ask them why
Turn around and say goodbye
People who judge without a measure of mercy
All the victims who will never learn
Even the lost ones, you can only give up on
Even the ones who make you burn

The ones who’ve done you wrong
The ones who pretended to be so strong
The grudges you’ve held for so long
It’s not worth singing that same sad song

Even though you’re going through hell
Just keep on going
Let the demons dwell

Just wish them well

Yeah…..there should be a “poetry” page. Good stuff….

Good going Skylar, for letting it flow. Really great poem/”expression” you wrote! Damn, if those Rush lyrics aren’t right on point! Obviously the writer has had first hand spath experience. I need to go read the rest of the lyrics on new album. The drummer in that band is unbelievable, BTW. Happy Sunday. I got fired from weekend job, yesterday, for speaking up to spath employer’s abusive behavior, again. I think one too many times. All good though, as I have my own business, as well, however it was good to be physically getting out into the world again, after isolating self for 9 months, but who needs to get out in world, just to obtain more spath crap. So there you have it, but the cool thing is, now I get to attend my nephew’s birthday party down at beach, today, so all good. Ok, thanks for listening to my rambling. Look forward to getting back here, later. Happy day to all. ~Shane

Shane,

Sometimes it is important to walk away, even from a job, when there is a psychopathic employer/boss…I have done that more than once, sometimes with a job I knew I had in advance of giving them the resignation, and sometimes without a job in advance.

That was one of the nice things about nursing especially in larger cities, there was a LOT of jobs I knew I could get and never was without a job for more than a day or two.

Staying in an abusive situation, whether it is employment or a personal relationship is never a good thing for us. Once we learn that we do not have to STAY victims, we have a freedom that is amazing. That EMPOWERS us in more than one way.

Have fun at the party and enjoy your freedom and your POWER. TOWANDA for you!!!

Thank you, Oxy! I actually quit 4 jobs in a matter of 3 weeks, prior to the job I just got fired from, as I work the same philosophy as you. I am in Therapy. Togehter with my therapist, I decided that with this one, I was going to stay for the sake of practice (just 2 days per week). I practiced being there on my terms, speaking up to the spath, and not allowing abuse. I have no regrets, as there seem to be fewer and fewer “good” folks in our worldly existence, therefore forcing us to learn to take care of ourselves in the presence of spaths, and other disrespectful ingrates, since we cannot always control whether we will be inflicted with spath bs, and sometimes must in fact stick it out to a certain extent, for whatever reasons. (kind of like darwinsmom’s situation with disrespectful teacher colleague). So I can think of it as; I had used my weekends to practice standing up to spaths. In addition, during my stay at this weekend job, my behavior caused 2 other employees to begin to stand up for their own, personal boundaries, as well. I got to witness that and it was fantastic. Some folks just haven’t learned yet. I got to help spark that awareness in them. I do however, agree with you completely. In order to fully heal, we must remove ourselves from spaths and their abuse, whenever possible. I would much prefer to to be jobless, than have a spath boss. Fortunately, I am my own boss. Thank you for your “empowering” words of encouragement, the TOWANDA, and wishes for fun at Nephew’s party, today. I truly appreciate it!! Much love!

Shane,
good for you for getting fired!!
lol.
🙂
Ok, I’ve really been enjoying the new Rush album and here are the lyrics to another song. If this isn’t about spaths, then nothig is!!

“The Anarchist”

Will there be world enough and time for me to sing that song?
A voice so silent for so long
For all the years I had to get along, they told me I was wrong
I never wanted to belong – I was so strong

(I lack their smiles and their diamonds;
I lack their happiness and love
I envy them for all those things,
I never got my fair share of, my fair share of)

The lenses inside of me that paint the world black
The pools of poison, the scarlet mist, that spill over into rage
The things I’ve always been denied
An early promise that somehow died
A missing part of me that grows around me like a cage
A missing part of me that grows around me like a cage

In all your science of the mind, seeking blind through flesh and bone
Find the blood inside this stone
Well, I know I’ve never shown what I feel, I’ve always known
I plan my vengeance on my own – and I was always alone

(I lack their smiles and their diamonds;
I lack their happiness and love
I envy them for all those things,
I never got my fair share of, my fair share of)

The lenses inside of me that paint the world black
The pools of poison, the scarlet mist, that spill over into rage
The things I’ve always been denied
An early promise that somehow died
A missing part of me that grows around me like a cage
A missing part of me that grows around me like a cage

Oh – They tried to get me
Oh – They’ll never forget me

The lenses inside of me that paint the world black
The pools of poison, the scarlet mist, that spill over into rage
The things I’ve always been denied
An early promise that somehow died
A missing part of me that grows around me like a cage
A missing part of me that grows around me like a cage
A missing part of me that grows around me like a cage

Hmm I don’t have a poetry, I have some mantras.

1: No shit, you again?

2: I don’t do bullshit, take it elsewhere.

All I have to say to a spath….

Shane,

LOL! About the boundary-crossing colleague of mine…It’s quite easy to avoid and ignore him totally. The only time I’ll ever have to work with him is during math-teacher meetings (4 times a year). And I will not go to bowling night, because he’s one of the organizers and so proud about his bowling trophees. In all the years I’ve worked there, I participated once and ended up winning the teacher tournament. So, I’m not risking a chance to end up winning a trophy I don’t particularly crave for from the supposed school champion. I don’t greet him, don’t talk to him, don’t need to either (not even during the break in the teacher lounge, since it’s full of other teachers). To be honest, he is truly emotionally non-existent for me. Only time I noticed him the past two weeks was Thuesday, when he was sitting at a table by himself making some notes at the chair where my teacher bag was resting. So, I went to pick it up and place it somewhere else without any contact. Anyway, with a team of 30-40 teachers it’s quite easy to ignore someone you don’t have to cooperate with on a daily basis.

If the principal were a spath though, I’d be bent on finding another school though. The colleagues I have to work directly with on a more daily basis are fine people.

Yep, Skylar…that is truly a spathsong, complete with the pity ploy, and they will never forget me.

The Bells-the Moon and the Lie ~

Six twelve six
Full as I see through the limbs and leaves
That which shone bright as thee
This way the illusion appeared to me

Six twelve six
Dubious tricks the mind he plays
Into the shimmering moonlit haze
In malice he walks his blinded lover

Six twelve six
The farce calls to his lover “the bells”
Boundless faith in beauty lies
At dawn she leaves his thickened guise

Six twelve six
Night of many moonlit kisses
Wounded by her happiness
His evil hidden, shone

Six twelve six
All in a moonlit night
Child of scorn hath built the illusion
“Fare thee well”, she cries

Shane (aka CLI)

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