Editor’s note: The following poems were sent to Lovefraud by the reader who goes by “Gia Rad.” She describes herself as a “recovering people-pleaser, ex-victim, natural health practitioner, mother and survivor.”
Positive ”¦
by Gia Rad
Today, I feel positive.
Positive that a new era is emerging
And I’ve left behind for good the hell I once lived with you.
Positive that not every day and night is a nightmare in disguise.
Today, I choose to smile at the rainbow
And stand defiantly in the pouring rain
As I’m positive, for the first time in ”¦ forever
That I’ve survived what many don’t, and will even blossom with time.
Positive that I’ve learned to avoid your type
And keep myself away from the evil lurking in the darkness of your soul.
Penniless I am, emotionally impoverished yes, I admit
Yet POSITIVE I’ve gained my strength ”¦ and tomorrow I’ll show the world
I’ve learned ”¦ To love and trust myself again.
You’ll see that Positive is proof I’m getting better particularly in contrast to an earlier poem called Life ”¦
Life
by Gia Rad
“Life” has dealt me a fatal blow
and I’m lying here dying ”¦
On my deathbed I write to say
That “Life” is code for You.
Didn’t know that giving you my heart would cost my life
Had no idea that your vampire self would drink my blood.
Good bye my former friend and lover
Farewell, to the one who never deserved a moment of my time.
Donna, thank you for posting these poignant expressions.
Gia, just for reference for those of us who are struggling to recover, what is the time-frame between these two pieces? There’s been a lot of discussion about how long recovery takes, and “Positive….” is an incredible piece that reflects strength, resolve, and aggressive healing.
I’m looking forward to the day when I actually “feel” unbridled joy of Life with a spectacular sunset or raucous laughter that comes up from my gut. The day will come, I know.
Brightest blessings, and sincere thanks for these expressions
Dear Truthie:
The two ‘expressions’ as you adequately call them were written about 10 months apart. Everyone’s experience is unique and several important factors must be carefully considered as far as recovery is concerned…. the length of time the abuse was perpetrated, the nature of the abuse, the overall strength of the ‘victim’ to begin with, and most importantly, whether there is 100% NC with the disordered person. If there are children or ongoing dealings with the s’path or their family members/’friends’, then the recovery process will be slower. I am blessed in that i was able to cut off ALL contact and have nothing to do with the unwell person. The 100% NC has really helped my recovery process tremendously, as well as prayer and supportive friends. I also made it a point to not wallow in it when the ‘funk’ of sadness and self pity would threaten to set in and take over. I’d shake myself off and PUSH myself out there — for a brisk walk while listening to upbeat music, or a bike ride, or to see a friend and share a cup of tea, whatever. I refused to allow myself to drag around and be sad. So my advice is don’t wait for the day. Make beautiful days happen for yourself as often as possible. Go out and enjoy the sunset, appreciate the starry night sky & notice beauty every chance you get. Rent funny movies and practice laughter – even if it doesn’t feel genuine yet. Soul hugs and angel’s kisses to you as you heal my friend…
I love it! I can “Hear” it in your writing…good, sunny, promising days are ahead! Go Gia!
GIA says: Make beautiful days happen: This morning I was jogging as I do almost every morning. I was not even half way done and I was slowing down; I said to myself “I’m tired”….I then analyzed…..I was slowing down because of my thoughts. My sister just passed away and I’m dealing with a lot. I wasn’t tired….I was letting my thoughts weigh me down…slow me down. I thought to myself “I will worry and think about this later.” I cranked up my MP3 and had a great jog! Mind over matter….great advice GIA “Make beautiful days happen for yourself as often as possible!”
Dear Olga: I am so sorry for your loss. Love never dies a natural death… However, in spite of everything, I commend you for jogging. How awesome that you’re giving yourself the endorphins and the oxygen your body so badly craves!!! Keep running girl!!!! Exercise is huge in helping us with the recovery process as the endorphins produced during exercise help fight Stress… and I don’t need to tell you (or the other lovefraud readers) how stressful and toxic it is to have danced with the devil…
Oh, and one more thing…. when I previously wrote to Truthie about not allowing the sadness to take over, I didn’t mean that we should just stuff the feelings and pretend all is OK. No, not at all. I made time to write out all my pain and also went to counseling. I made the effort to destroy objects that “it” had given me and I destroyed all images associated with that horrific stage in my life. The point is that I planned those “purging” sessions into my schedule… I didn’t allow that terrible “funk” to take over and color my days with darkness. Olga, you also made a very important point in your message… the one about how our thoughts affect us. We all know how our ‘story’ we tell ourselves can make or break us. Let’s tell ourselves empowering, beautiful messages on a daily basis. Because we ARE worthwhile, we ARE precious souls, and our contribution to our world IS meaningful.
Warm Love & Blessings to you and all the other BEAUTIFUL Lovefraud Peeps!
Olga, I am so sorry that your sister passed. I remember that you had a terrible incident with the spath during this most difficult time. Bless you, dear heart, and my deepest condolences to you and your family on your sister’s passing.
Gia, yes – the purging is required for me, as well. I’ve been doing a lot of burning, lately – literally. I burned as many things as I could find that were associated with the exspath. Other things, I’ve broken or thrown out of the window. I’m still waiting for Divine Inspiration on what to do with the wedding band. It’s only sterling silver, so not much point in trying to sell it. But, I want to do something “creative” in its destruction or disposal.
Finding something positive becomes less and less of a challenge. Yeah, things aren’t good, right now, but it’s mainly financial issues. Yeah, I still find myself thinking about the exspath in his “new relationship” and wondering if he’s pulling the same crap with his playmate, but I am learning how to quickly put the kaibosh on that.
Life can be beautiful, and that appreciation will come in due time, I’m certain.
Brightest blessings
Olga,
I am so sorry for your loss. But your attitude is so commendable, and inspirational.
Truthspeak – about the wedding band – I think you should make a ceremony out of throwing it into a lake. The ceremony is for you – throwing away the last bit of him.
I am in tears and thankful for the poems…when I see that depth of my own pain expressed as well as the growth that has taken place. Words that I can not seem to find myself…I know someone knows exactly what I endured and the work androad travelled to see better days. I need that connection. Thank you.
Thank you Donna,Truthy and Gia. It has been an awakening experience to have lost my sister. It is like I am on this Journey and it is and educational one. My God the things life teaches us when we pay attention!
PEACE
I think it would be great and most inspiring if we could set up a thread, specifically to post poems that we write….