When I was married to James Montgomery, who I believe is a psychopath, we once attended a local trade show together. We ran into a woman whom I didn’t know at all and James barely knew. After about one minute of conversation, James started offering to help her with some project that she was working on.
“What did you do that for?” I asked James after we continued on our way.
“What?”
“Offer to help that woman. You hardly know her.”
“Do you know who she’s married to?” James asked. It was a man that he believed could possibly be useful to his plans.
Psychopaths are always on the lookout for people they might be able to manipulate. A study published last year by Canadian researchers seems to indicate they have an enhanced ability to spot and remember potential targets.
The study was called A pawn by any other name? Social information processing as a function of psychopathic traits. It was conducted by Kevin Wilson and Sabrina Demetrioff, of Dalhousie University, and Stephen Porter of the University of British Columbia-Okanagan.
The study
The researchers created a series of fictional characters using photographs of men and women with expressions conveying that they were happy or sad. They assigned biographical traits to the characters indicating that some were successful and some were not, along with other details such as “likes skydiving.”
Forty-four male undergraduate students participated in the study. They were first given a personality test to determine their level of psychopathic traits. Then they were shown the photos and biographical information about the fictional characters. Afterwards, they were asked to recall the characters.
The researchers anticipated that the study participants with high psychopathic traits would best remember useful or vulnerable individuals—the happy, successful male was probably most useful, and the unhappy, unsuccessful female was probably most vulnerable.
The results
Study results indicated that they were partially correct. “Participants with high levels of psychopathic traits demonstrated enhanced recognition for the unhappy, unsuccessful female character; arguably the most vulnerable individual presented in our study,” they wrote. “In fact, the high-psychopathy participants demonstrated near-perfect recognition for this character.”
The researchers called this “predatory memory.”
“Psychopathic traits, even in the absence of overt criminality, are associated with a cognitive style that is predatory in nature,” the researchers concluded. “In extreme cases, this may allow individuals with clinically diagnosable levels of psychopathy to spot vulnerable individuals for future exploitation.”
Remember—the study subjects were not criminals in jail, they were college students. The conclusion we can draw is that people with psychopathic traits are out in the world, spotting potential victims and filing the information away for future use. It’s frightening.
It’s normal and healthy for professionals to seek out opportunities to build mutually beneficial relationships. We wouldn’t succeed without networking and partnering.
The way sociopaths go about it is bit different, however. It reminds me of the Aesop’s Fable where the Fox invites the Stork to supper. The Fox offers all the food in low, flat dishes, which the Stork cannot eat from. (The Stork later retaliates by inviting the Fox to dinner, and serving everything from tall, narrow jars. ) Anyway, a relationship with the Sociopath inevitably turns out to be less than mutually beneficial. It seems good in the beginning, but in the end it turns out the Sociopath returns less than nothing in exchange for the benefits s/he gains from the relationship.
We can’t go around treating everyone who seeks to network and partner as if this behavior was a sign of sociopathy. We need to do a little research, and find out what the individual’s past professional relationships have been like.
Most people who network and partner successfully are simply psychosocially gifted. Cranky hermits like myself have a lot to learn from these people. I have quite a few friends who are social network builders, and I really appreciate them. My life has been enhanced due to the formal and informal social groups they’ve built.
(For me, their skill has always seemed magical. I chuckle, shake my head and call it “that crazy-beautiful thing you do – Thanx Bro!”)
The Sociopaths are different. Their social networks are marked by several distinct traits. 1. Everything centers on the S. Each person in their network has a relationship with the S, and does not like or trust the other people who are also connected to the S. The S does not foster relationships between individuals in the group. Rather, s/he deliberately sows mistrust. 2. Targets (groups or individuals) are selected by the S and demonized, in order to provide cohesion. The social network of the S is kept continually busy attacking some perceived external threat.
A psychosocially gifted social networker doesn’t operate that way. S/he tends to serve as a matchmaker, deliberately introducing people who can benefit each other. A gifted social networker appears almost oblivious of divisive elements. S/he isn’t, of course. S/he simply works to downplay these issues.
There are things Sociopaths do, like recognizing people with whom they might benefit from associating with, which we would all benefit from doing. The trick is to recognize the difference between ethical and unethical beneficial relationships.
Elizabeth Conley:
“The Sociopaths are different. Their social networks are marked by several distinct traits. 1. Everything centers on the S. Each person in their network has a relationship with the S, and does not like or trust the other people who are also connected to the S. The S does not foster relationships between individuals in the group. Rather, s/he deliberately sows mistrust. 2. Targets (groups or individuals) are selected by the S and demonized, in order to provide cohesion. The social network of the S is kept continually busy attacking some perceived external threat.”
So true.
Elizabeth Conley:
That post flew away.
I wanted to say “so true.” When I first met S, he used to not invite me to parties where his ex would be because he wanted us to meet on “neutral ground” first. I now see that tis was pure, unadulterated crap. He was, in my opinion, laying the groundwork to get the two of us at each other’s throats for his own amusement.
Then came the infamous New Year’s Eve where he told his friends we would go with them to an inn for the weekend. They couldn’t reach him so they called me to get the okay to reserve the rooms. Since it was my credit card I said go ahead, and if S doesn’t want to go, we won’t. YOu would have thought I shot the president for his reaction — how dare I contact his friends behind his back, yada, yada, yada.
Once again we went down that path when I bought a table to a benefit and invited a few of his friends to fill the table. I got the “how dare you invite my friends, the invite should have come from BOTH (I know, I did pay) of us, etc, etc, etc.
They would shoot me an email with a question, and I would get blasted if I didn’t cc him on it.
Any time they would reach out to me, I braced myself for the inevitable tirade. It was exhausting. I was also about control.
As for the external threat, by the end I suspect that threat was me.
Elizabeth Conley:
“The S does not foster relationships between individuals in the group. Rather, s/he deliberately sows mistrust. 2. Targets (groups or individuals) are selected by the S and demonized, in order to provide cohesion.
A psychosocially gifted social networker doesn’t operate that way. S/he tends to serve as a matchmaker, deliberately introducing people who can benefit each other.”
This jumped out at me as I’d only registered it subconsciously before. We were all ‘a cult of one’ to the S, each being compared to and kept alert to the threat of the other.
Well Bro,
I think we’ve both seen the pattern. Me, I had to have my nose rubbed in poopie before I saw the difference between the S pattern and the healthy networking pattern.
I don’t mind being thwacked over the snout with a rolled up newspaper, but I hate getting my schnoz rubbed in poopie!
We had a bunch of friends over for supper Saturday. The socially gifted talked in clusters for the entire evening. Our friend the brilliant physicist silently slipped away and took a nap in my quiet, dimly lit and never used formal parlor. I enjoyed making supper, but it was largely a solitary event, despite offers to help. Later in the evening, after the dishes were cleared and the after dinner drinks were served, the group fell to watching a James Bond flick together. I squirmed a bit, wandered over to my computer and did a bit of work on the kid’s curriculum, then drifted off the the parlor to read my new Sci-fi book. When the party broke up, I was there to make the obligatory goodbyes. In decades past my socially gifted spouse would have urged me to sit through the James Bond movie. Now he just lets me wander off. He knows I can’t stand to just sit and veg.
I know there are at least two socially gifted networkers in my life who make all the connections, and effortlessly keep the connections alive. Thank God for those people. They would never wander off to the parlor for a nap before supper. They would “make supper” by cheerfully orchestrating the action from a stool in the corner. I love those people. They are so cool.
…not putting down the physicist either. He’s patient, generous and kind. He is always willing to help out. That being said, he tends to wear roman sandals and rumpled Hawaiian shirts as “Western Casual”. Then there’s those inopportune “power naps”.
Matt,
Once again we went down that path when I bought a table to a benefit and invited a few of his friends to fill the table. I got the “how dare you invite my friends, the invite should have come from BOTH (I know, I did pay) of us, etc, etc, etc.
They would shoot me an email with a question, and I would get blasted if I didn’t cc him on it.
Any time they would reach out to me, I braced myself for the inevitable tirade. It was exhausting. I was also about control.
As for the external threat, by the end I suspect that threat was me.”
I’ve been down a similar road, and observed similar behavior. Generally what I saw was very covert. The divisive maneuvering would take place one person at a time. I would scratch me head and wonder, why doesn’t anyone around here like or trust anyone else? Why all the hostility? Why the backbiting? Why the knee-jerk tendency to place the worst possible interpretation on innocent behavior?
I had a queen bee in my family who operated as you described until about a decade ago. It ceased when her children and their spouses matured to the point where they saw the harm. Siblings wanted to have relationships with each other, as well as “Momma”. Spouses wanted to spend the occasional holiday with their side of the family. They began to see that their rivalries were artificial. She wasn’t an evil woman, she just wanted to be the center of attention. It appears she outgrew the worst of it after a while. I wouldn’t call her an S, more like a histrionic. She’s become bearable now that the rest of us have grown a spine.
I persued my Psychopath , I wanted Her ! She did not persue me! And because of my need for love and my desire to be loved and to take care of another! I fell for Her hook line and sinker! once She new I needed her it was a losing game. I became intraped in the crumbs of reward at my expence! All the Good I had to give was used and abused for little reward. I became accustumed to the chaos and abuse as if it was normal! I was tortured for being who I was and for my friends and family! She wanted all of me but was not really a friend or a lover. She became my enemy! And when confronted with the truth it would become violent.
Rest assured that they are not living it up without us on the next sucker! They are making that persons life miserable!
My Psycho will either spend her life in prision or she’ll be killed by someone who doesn’t take that *hit from another.
Addiction, love ? What possible addiction is better than being addicted to love and giving of your self.?
They just don’t get it! They want it but they have no clue what to do with it when we give it to them
Hospice–
Oh my gosh. I really like what you just wrote. Thank you.
Guys– I just bought the book Betrayal Bond yesterday b/c so many of you have suggested that I read it. Well I have read the back cover and the table of content and I am too scared to read the damn thing.
I start thinking of him and blah, blah.
should i read it anyway? maybe I will just imagine you guys are with me since I am such a baby right now.
Looking back on how exploited I was– unbeknownst to me at the time you guys– is evil!!! he was exploiting me in front of his family– his psychologist (who he has completely conned and who I just fantasized about sending the above article to.).
I now– if you were to go to his website– there are bunches of gorgeous photos of me on it– for advertisement of his photography and for sale!!!! I never, ever gave him the permission to do that. yeah– if yiou go to my perpetrator’s website– there is a gorgeous photo of me in a wedding dress– next to his name at the top of the page. It is almost like he enjoys that he can get away with this. It is really sick. And I look so sad in the photos. I was clinically depressed and did not really know it. HE SURE DID and jumped on it.
It is also sad how much my looks have changed in just one or two years from the stress. I am finally going to a med doc tomorrow. I have lost 20 pounds and eat the same as before!!! My hair has thinned. My muscles mass– gone. My energy– gone. Maybe it was all th stress hormones.
Love to all of you.
Hospice:
Welcome. Our stories of our relationships with an N/S/P are all similar, with variations on a theme.
I can relate to so much of what you said, with one exception. You said “They want it but they have no clue what to do with it when we give it to them.”
You made the same mistake I did, thinking that these non-human vehicles of discord actually want or need love. WRONG! With them it is all about supply and demand of tangible needs — money, sex, place to live. Nothing emotional.
I, too, pursued my S. Of course, that was after he “love-bombed” me up front. Once he had the hook in real good, then he started the devalue and discard. And then I pursued him for the remainer of our “relationship” because I was determined to win back the wonderful man I fell in love with.
He was an illusion. They don’t want love. They want supply — money, sex, whatever. They never love us, they never will.
S was a total loser — ex-con, didn’t have 2 nickels to rub together, drug-addicted. I am a successful professional, and the antethesis of him. But, he saw my need for love and need to take care of him.
And he bled me dry. Nothing was good enough. I kept giving and giving. I now see that I behaved exactly like an addict.
Like you, I suspect my S will be returning to prison — it’s only a matter of time before he gets arrested again. Or it is likely that somebody he burned, when they finally catch up with him, will finish him off. In the case of the former, I want to be sitting front row center the day he is convicted and sent back to the slammer. In the case of the latter, I will throw a parade for whomever rids the earth of his noxious presence.