When I was married to James Montgomery, who I believe is a psychopath, we once attended a local trade show together. We ran into a woman whom I didn’t know at all and James barely knew. After about one minute of conversation, James started offering to help her with some project that she was working on.
“What did you do that for?” I asked James after we continued on our way.
“What?”
“Offer to help that woman. You hardly know her.”
“Do you know who she’s married to?” James asked. It was a man that he believed could possibly be useful to his plans.
Psychopaths are always on the lookout for people they might be able to manipulate. A study published last year by Canadian researchers seems to indicate they have an enhanced ability to spot and remember potential targets.
The study was called A pawn by any other name? Social information processing as a function of psychopathic traits. It was conducted by Kevin Wilson and Sabrina Demetrioff, of Dalhousie University, and Stephen Porter of the University of British Columbia-Okanagan.
The study
The researchers created a series of fictional characters using photographs of men and women with expressions conveying that they were happy or sad. They assigned biographical traits to the characters indicating that some were successful and some were not, along with other details such as “likes skydiving.”
Forty-four male undergraduate students participated in the study. They were first given a personality test to determine their level of psychopathic traits. Then they were shown the photos and biographical information about the fictional characters. Afterwards, they were asked to recall the characters.
The researchers anticipated that the study participants with high psychopathic traits would best remember useful or vulnerable individuals—the happy, successful male was probably most useful, and the unhappy, unsuccessful female was probably most vulnerable.
The results
Study results indicated that they were partially correct. “Participants with high levels of psychopathic traits demonstrated enhanced recognition for the unhappy, unsuccessful female character; arguably the most vulnerable individual presented in our study,” they wrote. “In fact, the high-psychopathy participants demonstrated near-perfect recognition for this character.”
The researchers called this “predatory memory.”
“Psychopathic traits, even in the absence of overt criminality, are associated with a cognitive style that is predatory in nature,” the researchers concluded. “In extreme cases, this may allow individuals with clinically diagnosable levels of psychopathy to spot vulnerable individuals for future exploitation.”
Remember—the study subjects were not criminals in jail, they were college students. The conclusion we can draw is that people with psychopathic traits are out in the world, spotting potential victims and filing the information away for future use. It’s frightening.
UsedAbused:
Craig’s List Killer: Have you noticed how people who have NO EXPERIENCE with sociopaths find it SOOO unbelievable that the fiancee had no idea that her boyfriend was a killer?
I think everyone on this site knows exactly how these things happen.
Yes, I totally agree. The radar that these S’s possess is something that will always mystify me. It is truly a gift from Satan.
Hi Rosa and Erin,
We need to get that radar, can we do it?
“These words usually came out after we were so disgusted and fed up and ready to walk”.and they came to us with flowers or some minute nicety”flowing the I love you’s and I will never love anyone like you. I want US to work out. blah, blah, blah”. and we felt either guilty or hopeful that maybe, just maybe we were not seeing the situation clearly?
Oh—the fantasies we lived. Without the Cinderella ending.”
Mine did this as I was leaving him. Everything I wanted to hear. “It was about us” etc, etc — he had wanted to delay even seeing me for TWO DAYS while he was en route, before he learned I was there for the car and nothing else.
If it is gift from Satan, let them keep it. I am a Christian and want nothing from Satan. Let’s just try to figure it out from here, maybe with our collective knowledge we can put together a “red flag list” and get it on the dating sites. They won’t ask for names, they don’t want to hurt people.
okay..need some help here this morning.
I posted yesterday and was feeling good. Lastnight and today not so good. I recently went against the NC rule and Im struggling here. I did it for the sole purpose of my son so I could start documenting the “lack of concern” he has for him. I am struggling in the sense that Im not sure how to deal with him. I have the ability to check his messages and he ha saved the messges I left for him. 1. informing him of me not lowering the support and not being pitted against his wife 2. to tell him he can call his son on such and such number 3. letting him know how happy his son was to hear from him….
can anyone tell me why he would keep these??? they are of no value as far as information goes..nothing to be saved for..am I wrong here??? Im freakin out a bit as he will be back in this state and at his moms house next week in which there has been a “vague” mention of seeing his son…I so do not want my son to be used..today I am feeling so angry..as I did speak to some of his friends and they are falling for his BS and it kills me..as before they did not like and saw him for what he was doing..now all of a sudden..its a poor him..he cant find a job in this economy..he is losing his house…his wife is a bitch and the Im going after him for support..I just want to SCREAM and run away and never deal with him..but I have to for now beacuse of my son…I want to tell everyone what a worthless piece of crap he is..but I know it will only make me look crazy but honestly I feel crazy..please help me…its a matter of days before he is here again and I dont want this..tell me what to do and again why would he save those messages????
Dear Endthepain,
This is part of the problem with making contact. I misunderstood the other day I thought you called and left a contact number when it went to voicemail. And also dont forget you can text him pertinent information too.
Part of Ending the pain – is what you are able to do on your end with limited contact or allowing information coming in to you about him. If you really want to figure out how to deal with him you must ask yourself what it is you want to come from this. And then stick to it.
As far as having the ability to check his messages…you have the ability not to check his messages. And i do not say this with ease, because I understand how hard it is to disengage, and not get that fix of information and feeling like we are at least on top of it or aware of whats going on. But that just prolongs the pain…whether you check messages or not life is going to go on…he is still going to do the same things and have lots going on in his life that doesnt involve you and that you dont need to be aware of or check on . You need to decided what benefit you are receiving from checking his messages. Because if he was getting in to your voicemail account and checking your messages you would not have nice things to say about him doing that.
Why does he keep the messages…that doesnt matter…why do want to know why he keeps the messages…thats something that matters…maybe he just pressed the next button to hear other messages and yours went to saved messages…maybe he hasnt gotten around to deleting last weeks messages…maybe he got angry and stopped listening half way and hung up and that saves messages…maybe he likes to hear your voice? maybe he plans on using it against you?? WHO KNOWS? none of the answers are helpful to you in any way… you have to get to a place where you start to end the pain and you focus more on you.
You mentioned you called him after he spoke to his son to say how happy his son was to hear from him. Thats very nice of you, but thats making contact that isnt necessary. It would be confusing to him that you say that and then when he tells you he is at his moms and mentions wanting to see his son — you dont want your son to be used. I understand this, but that means you cant pick and choose when you want to make contact and say your son was happy to hear from him. And it has to be frustrating to you to reach out and say something nice and not be responded to or not hear back from him. Its important you stay NC, unless he makes the effort, and then you can decide how to proceed.
Ending the pain means no more speaking to any of his friends…that just adds insult to injury getting information from them is nothing you need to do or know…it will all change hundreds of times, stories will go in circles, he will bad mouth you when he can, and play the pity card…the goal is to remove yourself from this situation….try to move on…in the sense that other than his involvement with your son (if you wish that to be) there is no other contact or involvement or checking his messages.
All that matters is you know he is worthless…others will figure him out on thier own…The crazy feeling …comes from contact …with him…with his friends…with checking messages… His life is going to go on whether you check them or not – and the information you receive only baffles you or confuses you.
You asked for guidance. I suggest you try to regroup. Try to put in into perspective and figure out what you want. He is a jerk, a creep, a user… checking his messages arent worth it…. contacting him other than what your lawyer deems necessary is not worth it…being in touch with his friends is a guaranteed crazy feeling afterward…you dont have to deal with him when you are ready not to. Except for custody and support.
You need to clear your head…you have been through so much…and its all so very confusing…but once you get yourself strong and focused everything will fall into place. Your son is your focus and you and your life is your focus. He lost his priviledge to receive your friendship, kindness and love. You have to deal with him the way you want to – and whats best for your son. Hang in there!! Hope this was helpful in some small way. Everything will be ok, because once you enforce NC you will gain some clarity!!!
EndthePain:
I am also struggling in a situation where there is a child in the middle of it all.
However, my situation is a bit different in that the child is my niece. The mother (raging psychopath) is my brother’s wife.
I am very concerned about my niece’s safety.
So, everytime I have to deal with my sister-in-law, I go into “Sociopath Mode”. That means I turn off all emotions and the guard goes up. I try to mirror whatever she says/does, so she thinks she has me “under control”. I avoid conflict at all costs.
But, I DO NOT take the bait in any of her attempts to gaslight, provoke, or smear me. And she has done them all.
I hope this helps a little.
Girl, DON’T LET HIM SEE YOU SWEAT!!
As far as the saved phone messages, I have NO idea. I have been involved with a few who would save all of my cards and correspondence as well. But, they never made time for ME, so I was confused about why certain things were being saved, too.
Stay strong.
learnthelesson…Thank you thank you thank you….you are so right..as I was embarressed to say I got itno his messages..but you are right it doesnt matter..its just sauch a mind game…I want to stay on top of it and its exhausting..and then paranoia as to what he has done and what he is capable of doing! I hear your words loud and clear and I appreciate it as I NEED TO HEAR THAT! its all so confusing how to handle and deal when it comes to me son..I want to run and protect and then I fear the consequences of not having the contact..I dont want my son to be like him ,..I just want proof of his neglect..so I can be rid of him and not worry any more..it sucks to be strong one moment ans then so confused in another moment
Endthepain, I can relate to how you feel. I think alot of us can. I your openness and honesty not only helps you but it helps others who are struggling too. You are not the only one who has had the ability to check messages – but you are someone who has the ability to share that – and learn and grow from that. Its so hard to give all that up – to say to yourself — screw it, I dont want to know, I dont need to know — because all I know is my life is changing and bad man is not in it now and its up to me to focus on myself and my son. Its just so damn hard to actually do that. But I want you to know you can. Its work. Its boundaries. Its strength. Its courage. Its believing in your heart he is who he is and he isnt going to change. But life is still happening and taking place. So go forward with it — he is going to stay stagnant and pull all of his same BS. You are going to get strong. Set boundaries. Stick to them!!!!!!
Proof of his neglect….will come easily. Just keep a journal. When he calls. What he says. What happens…. let it all unfold. you dont have to do anything. EXCEPT DECIDE WITH YOUR LAWYER HOW TO PROCEED WITH SUPPORT AND CUSTODY. Let him live his life, mess up his life…etc. You get on with yours…slowly but surely….get out with your son…pamper yourself…reconnect and find who you were again before you met him!
Commit to yourself what you want to do. He is nothing to be proud of or jealous of or envious of. You will do whats right for you and your son. Trust yourself. If your son is happy with a few visits with him at Grandmas house than you will do that if you trust him and yourself.. If you feel its best to gain full custody you will do that if you trust yoursef.
You need to remove your emotions now. This is about your life and your sons life. The creep is temporarily involved as your sons father. And there is no need for any contact by you. When he contacts you – you will have the rules and regulations in place – your son has a schedule and needs consistency – and needs your love and guidance and focus. Stay on track and you will feel less and less confused and more and more strength. Youre a wonderful person and a great Mom – focus on that. Everyday!!!! And keep sharing and posting here whenever you feel overwhelmed or just need to vent!!! Hang in there…the pain will end when you are ready!!!!!
LearntheLesson:
That is sooo right on. It is hard to see these things when we are in the “eye of the storm”.
But, once we come out from the clouds, it is always US who are evolving and changing and improving ourselves.
The S’s will never change. That’s why their game becomes boring.
They start out as the most exciting men we have ever known, and they end up as the most predictable/boring.
THE IRONY of it all!!!
endthepain:
I think you’ve been given some good advice on the emotional side of your need to check his voicemail messages and why you shouldn’t. I’m going to give you some legal advice on why you shouldn’t be leaving him voicemail messages.
The reason is very simple — those messages are zero proof if you have to take any legal action against him. Zip. Nada. Zilch.
You must put everything in writing. While some people say you can get away with text messaging, I’m not big on it. Actually, I’m of the school of thought that if it ain’t in writing, it ain’t worth the paper it’s written on. Nothing beats a letter sent certified mail, return receipt requested. That’s something you can take into court.
More to the point, if you send the letters out certified, you don’t have to deal with hearing his voice, putting up with the mind-fuck you know he’s going to give you, and letting him distract your from the task(s) at hand — getting him out of your life and your son’s life.
Without setting things out in writing, he will always try to take advantage. Moreover, once you get the custody agreement, support agreement and visitation agreement in place, you will have infinite control over the situation. Let me qualify that — the agreements will take you so far, then it is up to you to hold him to the literal letter of the agreement(s).
Stop wasting you time trying to figure out why he’s doing something like holding onto voicemails. It’s energy wasted that could be better spent on figuring out how you really can get control of him. Also, we couldn’t figure them out when we were with them, and we still aren’t really going to figure them out now that we’re away from them.
Matt has a good point, and make sure the letter contains instructions on when and at what number he can call your son. Be reasonable, give him 2 hour window not an exact time, maybe even two 2 hour windows a day.
You need to show that you are allowing him to speak to your son.
And when in court, he’s “Our son” not “My son.”