By: Linda Hartoonian Almas, M.S. Ed
When dealing with psychopaths, or individuals with psychopathic features, nothing is as it seems to the naked eye. When in relationships with psychopathic individuals, the non-psychopaths bear the brunt of great responsibility, both real and perceived. After all, the “normals” really are left carrying the loads and picking up the pieces when the psychopaths are tired of playing the games that they initiated. However, the blame or burden they attempt to place on us, while accepting none for themselves, is not legitimate and we should not internalize it. Our actions and behaviors have little or nothing to do with the outcomes of their choices, even if they, for a time, have us believing otherwise.
While I generally feel that we are largely responsible for our own lives and have a fair amount of control over our own destinies, there is no question that when we interact closely with psychopaths, these notions may change. Our playing fields are far from level, altering everything we thought we knew about interpersonal communication and human behavior. In short, we are left reeling because we tend to assume that everyone is normal, or at least not psychopathic, and we act accordingly. We continue on this path until we gain an accurate understanding of how psychopaths function. Once we process and accept what we know, we give ourselves a tremendous gift; understanding. While we cannot change them and we come to know that, this understanding allows us to alter our behaviors, thus eliminating their power and control.
Pick and choose
For me, few questions remain about their behaviors or how to react to them. Almost twenty years’ experience—a combination of personal, professional, and academic—have brought me to this place. However, from time to time, I occasionally find myself pondering how they pick and choose which rules to follow.
At first, I felt the answer was obvious. It would seem that, like anything else they do, the answer would lie in the payoff. Perhaps it does. Given their lack of insight and inability to engage in any actual long term planning, it may be that simple. Nonetheless, the topic has caused me to give pause.
I am able to comprehend that they feel that the rules governing the rest of society simply do not apply to them. I am also able to understand that they have only limited regard for consequences. Furthermore, I realize that they tend to think mainly in the short term, and acknowledge that their desire for immediate gratification may override all else. But is there more; is there some form of rhyme or reason to their compliance or lack thereof?
For example, let’s examine financial obligations, since this tends to be a common area of non-compliance and general mismanagement. Let’s take this scenario one step further, and discuss court ordered financial obligations. In spite of the court system attaching a certain level of importance to these obligations, it is not uncommon for psychopathic individuals, or those with such features, to treat these orders as SUGGESTIONS. Why?
As with anything anyone does, there could be a multitude of reasons. However, psychopaths’ motivations may be more sinister than ours. It is clear that they have no problem insulting the integrity of the courts, but it is likely that this goes much further. Below, are some possible reasons.
Possible Reasons for Non-Compliance:
1. They may want those they owe to “suffer.”
2. They may be engaging in “payback” for something they perceive was done to them. Remember, they see themselves as the actual victims much of the time.
3. They may be attempting to stir the drama pot and elicit reactions or engagements, instigate arguments, or create circular, dead-end “back and forths” over their wrongdoing.
4. They may be attempting to bring out “bad behaviors” so that they look “right” or “justified” in their actions.
5. They may be attempting to frustrate, wear down, or harm financially, emotionally, or otherwise.
6. They may be attempting to exercise power and control over the situation.
7. They may be looking for pity, especially if they have a “good” reason (but you know better) as to why they are unable to pay.
8. They may want those they owe to internalize their wrongdoings, and accept blame. For example, “Had I not (fill in the blank,) I would be getting paid.”
9. They may simply be taking risks, with or without regard for any potential consequences. These risks may be calculated, planned, and enjoyable to them, or they may not give them a second thought.
10. They may simply feel that they have better things to spend “their” money on.
This list is, by no means, exhaustive. As I write, I can think of several more possibilities. Additionally, much of this list is not exclusive to financial choices. It could apply to many different sets of rules or norms. The important thing to remember, regardless of their motivations, is this; these choices are theirs, not ours. The rules and structure that govern society have spoken and in spite of what they decide, very real consequences could come their way in situations regarding such non-compliance or compliance on their terms.
So, how or why do they choose to follow some rules and not others? That is not something for which I can offer an absolute answer. This topic comes with many variables. We each probably hold some very solid theories, in addition to the ones I provided.
What I can offer is that I know it is our responsibility to utilize the gifts we gave (or are in the process of giving) ourselves and employ our knowledge. We must pull strength from our understanding and control ourselves, because reasoning with the unreasonable or attempting to work with those who wish to harm us is fruitless. It is a process that takes practice and persistence, but when we do this, we render them powerless regardless of their actions and choices.
Linda Hartoonian Almas has a Master’s Degree in Learning and Behavior. She is former a police officer who had her own run-in with a psychopath. She lectures on domestic violence and is a contributing author of a presentation on psychopathy in the family court system.
I’ve read many articles and books on Narcissistic Psychopaths and I believe this one just expressed even more so the person I was involved with for 3 – 1/2 years…although everything applies to the overall traits but this article was accurate to the financial con I had endured with him. I was in that black-hole and suicidal and using “borrowed hope” to survive along with “understanding” of the disease to save myself..However, the word in this article that caught my eye, was “wear down”…By the perfect seduction, i was drawn in and appeared to be addicted to him. Over the first year and half, he wore me down to harping on how I was wanting material things etc when I could not recall ever asking…he twisted it to say, why didn’t anyone ever think of trusting him with “whatever” aka “money” and to prove that somebody really loved him.(stating frequently, nobody really loved him and that is ok, he is use to it)..i was so worn down and so addicted to an illusion of love and attempting to save him and reclaim that initial euphoria he charmed me in to that I went and withdrew over $30,000 in cash (as he wanted it) and met him in another state where i willingly handed it over for him to invest as he told me he was a “successful day trader” Every day for a year and a half he would talk about the stock market and gains and losses, more gains than losses and in a recession!!…after that day, i never heard about the stock market again and if i mentioned the money or the market he would say he didn’t know what i was talking about and for me not to mention it because we could be tapped and he didn’t have his securities license to invest others money…he also said he was going to make this money for me so that i could get my divorce and be ok…he was younger than me, which was flattering also, extremely attractive, had the gift of gab and made storybook dreams and promises,he made me think i was the special one he finally found and i was oh so vulnerable… he was so relentless, i didn’t have a chance to think let alone think straight and if i ever questioned the confusion, he would twist and confuse me further and i would walk away taking and feeling the blame and the wrong..and how could i have even thought differently or questioned him…After another year and half of hanging on hoping i was wrong and was going to get my money back, he abusively said he was “done” with me in the blink of eye (although, i knew this day was coming as he always threatened it)…he did however, show up 5 mths later and I was just getting back to breathe the air after dealing with Post Traumatic Stress ..i agreed to see him because i wanted some type of closure.(wrong thing to do!! and i knew it but thought i was strong enough to keep a solid boundary).i was going down in a matter of hours…i removed my research from Narcissist to psychopath (as my therapist indicated he was a combination of Narcissist, psychopath and borderline, ..) and all of the emotions i carried , have been severed..I was in danger and I was in denial…If he crosses my mind, I think of Silence of the Lambs…He is a master of evil..he has women all over the world via internet of all ages, shapes and sizes as well as a young beautiful clueless woman he married…she is a robotic slave. he has hidden under her name…i have reported all my information to the FBI.I am so grateful that I am alive today…your articles are so validating..thank you..p.s., he has a victim now in Europe, who was suicidal and he reconnected with her at the same time he did with me..she is in his web and when the cycle repeats, I fear for her taking her own life even if he ochestrates it…there is nothing that I can do. If any guidance came from me, her loyalty would be to him and if she educated herself, she would use it (as I did) to try to “fix” him and for me to hang in there, thinking I knew what was really happening..when i had NO authority over this monster…
I would like to see the possible reasons for compliance.
Welcome, Linda, I enjoyed your article VERY much, but have one small “bone to pick.”
Your statement that “Given their lack of insight and inability to engage in any actual long term planning, it may be that simple.”
I beg to differ on this….SOME of them do have the ability and insight to engage in long term plans, Bernie Madoff is one example, and various political psychopaths (several governors like Bloggo and others who were convicted of illegal activities.) many of these men/women manage to become judges, lawyers, governors etc. and I think that requires long term planning.
Of course some psychopaths are very impulsive and do things on the spur of the moment with little concern for consequences, immediate or long term, but others are able to keep a “long con” going for decades.
Your concluding paragraph is absolutely RIGHT ON: “What I can offer is that I know it is our responsibility to utilize the gifts we gave (or are in the process of giving) ourselves and employ our knowledge. We must pull strength from our understanding and control ourselves, because reasoning with the unreasonable or attempting to work with those who wish to harm us is fruitless. It is a process that takes practice and persistence, but when we do this, we render them powerless regardless of their actions and choices.”
Looking forward to more articles! Again Welcome!
AliveToday, I am so sorry to read about all you went through. A horrible story, but the upside is that he is now out of your life, and you are now living your own life on your own terms.
Louise, I think that they only “appear” to be complying on the surface, and any compliance is only short-term, at best. For my spath H, compliance happens when he has an immediate fear of the consequences for non-compliance, or after he’s been caught by me and I’ve subsequently confronted him. I will then see compliance for a few weeks, or even a few months, but it is inevitable that non-compliance will happen soon enough again. But when he thinks he’s getting away with something, and therefore, evading any consequences, non-compliance is what he does.
OxDrover, IMO, my spath H hasn’t planned long-term and gives in to the immediate gratification when he does certain things, such as shoplifting and flirting. He does plan long-term when he steals and cheats on me, b/c the way he does it requires advance planning, so that he is less likely to get caught. But I still feel he doesn’t fear most consequences, b/c any he’s faced so far haven’t been harsh enough to cause him to hit rock bottom. I asked him last night, “What would it take for you to stop stealing? Losing me? Losing your job? Facing legal consequences? Jail time? I know you think they won’t ever catch up to you, but I feel that eventually they will. Is that what it will take for you to stop? Is that what would cause you to hit rock bottom?”
Linda, thank you for this list. Much of it applies to my spath H. There isn’t any one reason behind his non-compliance. There are many. The psychology is complex. This can also change, depending on what he is being non-compliant with, and who he is hurting in the process.
For him, add to this, in his own words as to why he steals, that he feels “entitled”. Non-compliance through stealing is but one of many ways he gets his “fix”. His fix places a “barrier” between him and his emotions that he cannot deal with. His fix is a coping mechanism for him, albeit an unhealthy one.
Even though he will not admit to cheating, come hell or high water (only b/c I don’t yet have “concrete” proof of this, like I do with his stealing), I can apply many of the same reasons he steals to why he cheats. In the end, it is still a form of non-compliance.
The first item on your list, “they may want those they owe to suffer”, really stood out for me, b/c my H has an issue with “Schadenfreude”, which means he takes pleasure in the misfortunes of others, and in the suffering of others (esp. my suffering, since I am closest to him). I know this, b/c I saw it written in his own hand, from his notes taken during his first session with his new therapist (he doesn’t know I read his notes each week, which I do in secret b/c I feel I need to know what I am dealing with, until I am able to get out). I am not encouraged at all that he is in therapy (though I would have been in the past). This is therapist #4 in as many years. He only brought up his stealing in his first session. He continues to steal as he’s going to therapy, yet fails to mention his ongoing stealing to his therapist. I told him last night that if he was going to change as he claims he will, then he would have changed by now. I told him when I put myself in his head and think the way he does (which I’ve trained myself to do, so that I can stay one step ahead of him) ”“ not for the purposes of being like him and doing what he does, but only so that I can figure out what the real truths are, since he won’t give those to me ”“ I realize that he paints the best possible picture of himself, so that he looks better to his therapist, and in the process, gets to avoid dealing with his issues, gets to avoid really facing himself, and gets to avoid doing any of the real work involved with change.
I had never heard of this word before. When I started researching it, it sent a chill through my body. Schadenfreude is a phenomena experienced by the masses, when their beloved sports team beats the opposing team, or when a ruthless politician is exposed for his wrongdoings. But obviously, this is a problem for my H on a much deeper, individual level, if it is written in his notes from his therapy session. Envy can drive the phenomena, and when Schadenfreude is experienced, it can create feelings of superiority. My H has admitted to feeling envious of me for all the traits I possess that he wishes he did, yet does not. Yet when I tell him I believe he takes great pleasure in doing what he can to undermine me and cause me to suffer, he says “No, you’re wrong, I don’t like to see you suffer, I only want the best for you”, as if.
The good news is that I am learning how to avoid suffering, try as hard as he does to make me suffer. It isn’t getting to me any longer, the way it once did. It is going to take me some time to pull off, but I have been busy formulating an exit plan, that I am putting into place little by little. At the same time, I document every lie and every incriminating thing he does in writing, and when possible, in pictures.
He has no idea all of what I’ve been up to. He tells me I am the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with (of course, why would he say otherwise?). I strongly believe his only motivation for spending the rest of his life with me is b/c he perceives me to be less of a threat to him if I stay with him. Otherwise, I know too much incriminating information about him that could cause him to lose his job, cause him to face legal consequences, and possibly cause him to go to jail. It is in his best interests to stay with me, b/c he perceives that if we are together, I will be less likely to blow the whistle on him, and more likely to protect him.
Looking for truth,
I hope you can escape this “relationshit” before too long…my tolerance for putting up with that kind of stuff has long since evaporated. “You are a better man than I am, Gunga Din!” LOL
My son Patrick (the one in prison for murder) is generally pretty impulsive and does “stupid” things that get him caught in spite of having an IQ in the top 99th percentile. Yet, he is also capable of the “long con” and the one he tried to pull to have me killed was apparently planned over a period of at least 3-4 years, but he counted on another psychopath to keep HIS benefit in mind. LOL Boy was that a dumb move!
He also under estimated me (again!). As smart as he is intellectually, his estimation of the smarts of others is pretty bad. Yet he thinks he is an expert in it. I will give him this though, he has learned how to survive in prison and his apparently complete fearlessness absolutely AMAZES me.
LookingForTruth:
I will answer your post later tonight…very interesting points here that I have some insight on. Thank you for your post 🙂
OxDrover, I can’t believe the trauma you have been through. The healing you have done is inspiring. When I read some of the worst stories here, such as yours, I sometimes think to myself, “Wow, I don’t really have it all that bad, as bad as it has been for me.” My spath H also underestimates me and my intelligence, and esp. my 6th sense when it comes to him. He does not realize how much he gives himself away when he’s being sneaky. I pick up on it in an instant, all by his body language, though it took me 5 years to fully develop this skill where he is concerned. Anyway, my tolerance has also long since evaporated, once I realized that if he can’t (won’t) give me the truth, that leaves me nothing to work with. I held onto the belief that all people are inherently good, that love can conquer all, and that everyone is capable of positive change for far too long. I was in fact projecting myself onto him, but I guess we all go through that at least initially, when dealing with them, before we realize we are not dealing with someone normal. I am doing all I can to escape from this “relationshit”, and all I can to keep my head above water in the interim.
Thx, Louise, I look forward to hearing what you have to say and about any and all insights you have to offer. This website has already helped pull me out of the fog, so that I could see the light, in so many ways. I have just recently turned on a g/f of mine to it as well, as I watch her in the throes of a new romantic relationshit that we are all trying to talk her down from. She told me she has read everything on here, and that when she did, it all described him to a “T”. I am hoping what she reads here will be the eye opener that gives her the strength to end things, before they get any further along. I, along with our other friends, have all asked her, “Do you want to end up trapped in a marriage like L (me)?”.
I know how very hard it is to get away from them, when our self-esteem has been compromised, no matter the reasons. For me, I was confident and had good self-esteem going in, but he systematically and covertly wore that down. If I could have seen what was happening back then, while it was happening, I would have gotten out then, before all the damage was done. It was only after I was able to build my self-esteem back up again, on my own, that I began to take steps to get out. For my g/f, she did not have good self-esteem going in, IMO, and therefore is relying on him solely to define that, which I feel is even far more dangerous. If you don’t already know what it feels like to feel good about yourself as defined by you, it becomes harder to work towards something you don’t understand, b/c it never existed for you before, so you don’t know what it feels like to experience it. If the only way you feel good about yourself is through others, esp. when it involves a romantic partner, it is going to be that much harder to break away, IMO. We are trying to teach her how to build herself up on her own, but it is a really hard concept for some to grasp, if they don’t already know how to do this. I consider myself lucky that I do (I had to learn, so that I could survive growing up with a BPD mother, which is now helping me survive being married to a spath).
Feeling good about yourself should not be solely defined by how you look on the outside; it should be more closely defined based upon who we are on the inside. When I shift the focus away from my appearance (let’s face it, I am not getting any younger, at the age of 50), and instead put that focus on developing myself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, that is when my self-esteem improves. It’s not that I don’t take care of my appearance or that I don’t care about my appearance, b/c I do. But my appearance is not the only part of who I am; my appearance is not the most important part of who I am. Who I am on the inside is. And I’d rather be alone, than be with someone who places the most importance on physical appearance.
But when you live with a spath who is also a sex addict, it becomes easy to lose that focus, b/c what they do involving other women can greatly undermine your self-esteem, and suddenly, your physical appearance takes center stage again, either b/c you’re feeling badly about yourself after comparing yourself to the other women, or in addition to that, you begin to compete with these other women again, and try to do all you can to capture his attention, so that it isn’t on them. Fortunately, I no longer do that. I refuse to compete with the other women. They can have him, b/c I no longer want him, and he does not get to define how I feel about myself any longer either. At least that’s how it is on my best days, and I now have more of those than I do bad days. Each time he manages to send me back down into the pit, I bounce back more quickly than before, and I become a little bit stronger each time. What used to last days, weeks, or even months, now only lasts a few hours at most, if that. I spend far less time in the pit, and far more time out in the light.
Linda,
very interesting topic. Why does the spath comply sometimes and sometimes not? The answer is the same as when you ask, “why is he nice sometimes and sometimes not?”
He complies when he can use compliance as part of his mask.
Period.
His focus and intent 24/7 is to harm others. So, for example, he may never pay child support until one day he starts to comply. When he complies, when he is nice, when he apologizes, BEWARE, he is in predatory mode. In this example there could be a number of reasons for his compliance. It could be that he needs to create a mask to look good at his job. Or he heard you just inherited some money and he’s going to try to make a comeback with you. Most likely though, he has a new victim and he just likes to take her money and send it to you. It makes a spath happy to see someone else taking responsibility for what he owes.
In the mask of sanity, Cleckley describes over a dozen examples of in-patients who “complied” perfectly well in therapy. They seemed the model patient with great insight into their problems. So much so, that they could earn their release from the mental ward. In each of these cases, the model patient was caught doing the same things or worse, sometimes just hours after the release and they were returned to Cleckley’s hospital.
In each case, they had someone at home who cared tremendously about their welfare, a wife or parents who bent over backwards to keep them from going to prison.
It might seem that the spath’s goal was freedom to do what he wants, but in fact his goal was freedom to torture those who care about him. He needs constant proof that others care about him and this can be provided by their reactions to him when he is in danger.
My own spath, in the very last con, tried to make me think the following things, one after the other:
1) that homeland security was after him
2) that he was going to jail
3) that the police were pointing automatic weapons at him while he was leaving me voice mail telling me that the only way I could save him was by answering the phone when they called me.
I was supposed to save him. I was supposed to prove how much I cared. It was all a con and I knew it, so I didn’t answer. But he could have used any number of ways to get me to answer, but the ones he used were ones that would show how much I cared for his safety. Interesting freudian slip?
The following example is from my childhood and it is prophetic. If I’d understood it, it could have foretold what my life was going to be like.
When I was about 8 and my spath brother was about nine, he began playing an interesting little game to manipulate me. He would use two fingers to “walk” across a table or other furniture, near the edge. In a little baby voice, he’d say, “I’m going for a walk, I hope I don’t fall off this edge…it’s slippery…ladeedaaaaa” There were variations but that was the gist of it. Numerous times on this “walk” he would pretend to trip and fall.
“HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLPP!” I was supposed to run and catch him. And I always DID. I couldn’t help myself. I’d get very upset about the “little man” hurting himself. Now, I knew that it was just his two fingers on my spath brother’s hand, but he made so much drama that I felt like it was real. I became hyper-vigilent the moment spathbro’s hand went into two-finger mode. I had to catch or “cure” the little man. It was the pity ploy, being done just to see if he could make me care.
Because I knew it was just his hand, I guess I wasn’t really reacting to his hand, but to the obvious need that my brother had for my response. I knew instinctively that he needed “rescuing” and I wanted him to know that I would always be there for him. And I always was, for the rest of my life – until 2009 when he called the cops and framed me with a DV so I’d go to jail. but anyhoooo.
The game we played was prophetic, in that I was going to spend the rest of my life being a spath rescuer because I couldn’t help feeling responsible. And it was also prophetic that my spath brother was going to be a spath, using the pity ploy to get his needs met. It is sad. Yet, that game helped me to understand why spaths will harm themselves. They just want to see the empathy on your face. They want to see someone trying to rescue them and making themselves responsible for them.
Linda,
Thank you for this article – it’s a good one! My ex-spath is a risk-taker, in my opinion, not giving a second thought to the consequences of his actions. He lives by the “seat-of-his-pants”, always has and always will.
Skylar, I have a narcissistic sister, I don’t think she is spath, but can’t be sure. I mean, to me and our mother she is spath, but not to other people, as far as I know. She joined forces with my ex in trying to destroy me, although she had met her only twice. At the time, she said they had a ‘connection’. She is very successful and ‘good company’, although it centres around being blind drunk with others blind drunk. I believe it set a pattern, so that I was an easy target, probably still am. I can be bullied very effectively with eyes.
In terms of committments, my ex made herself unemployed within weeks of meeting me (well, her bosses stopped talking to her and she left). She then moved into my house (which I own), allowing her to have a bit of a mortgage break, and convinced me to put all my savings into a ‘joint account’. I know, stupid, the bank staff looked concerned. The next phase was that I ‘must put a ring on her finger’, then a phone call while I was at work saying the registry office had a cancellation in three weeks. My computer was whisked off to her father as it was ‘too big’ for the house, so isolation was complete, and we were ‘married’ by a very concerned looking registrar without any of my family or friends knowing. She was well aware I didn’t know this meant she had half ownership of my house, and then set about driving me to the point of suicide. Very nearly succeeded too.
I don’t know about short term and long term thinking. I played her at chess a couple of times and she was rubbish :). Knocked out all the pieces as fast as possible, as if that was the point of the game. Same with poker, reckoned she was the best (probably because of the poker face, which she uses every second of every day anyhow – except for the ‘revealing stage’ designed for maximum impact). However, never could play the long game. She did worry about bills, which seems to be against what is said here. Stored bottles and bottles of shampoo and stuff, all in a line.
Fear I am rambling here now! It’s interesting and helpful reading all of your posts. I can see how lucky I was too, there are worse out there. I still dream of her coming at me with a knife, and have had to wean myself off looking under my bed before I go to sleep. Truly, the boogeywoman!