Deliberate Cruelty From Someone Who Is Meant To Care


Last week I found myself in an intimidating situation that required me to put all my skills of resilience in to practice. I was in the hands of a professional person who should be there to care for others. I was in a hugely vulnerable position, yet instead of receiving care, I felt myself being belittled, bullied and threatened. The person dishing out this particularly cruel treatment was a senior doctor in a private clinic, where I am a patient. A few years ago I would probably have put up with his behaviour, or brushed it off as being just something I mis-read — but not this time. Not now. Not ever again.

So I thought I’d share my story here on Lovefraud.

As you already know, I had a health scare that was resolved a couple of weeks ago. Whilst I was given the all-clear at the time, the doctor said it would make sense to arrange for a biopsy to double-check and to put my mind at rest; purely, he reassured me, because of my family medical history (mum had died of breast cancer at the age of 44). The straight forward needle-biopsy would be done under local anesthetic and would take less than half an hour. So last Thursday, I trotted off to the clinic expecting a purely routine, simple procedure that would prove beyond doubt that I have a clean bill of health.

I felt chirpy, relaxed, and perfectly ready for whatever they wanted to do — a marked difference from my previous visit where I was uptight, frightened and full of dread. They’re a great bunch of people there, and I chatted away happily to the receptionists and also to the technician who came in to explain the details of what was going to happen.

All fine, all good, all dandy — everything made perfect sense (although I felt a little unnerved by the technician’s statement that nobody can be sure that the lump is not cancerous until the tests are completed in the laboratory) and I went in to the doctor’s surgery feeling calm and prepared.

Just When You Least Expect It

I am making a point of telling you this, because I am keen to make it clear why I felt so totally blindsided by what happened next. The friendly technician (Thomas), thank goodness, was still in the room when the doctor arrived. The very moment he walked in, though, the atmosphere changed. The smile went from Thomas’ face, and I felt him tighten up as the doctor criticized everything he had done to prepare me. The cleaning and sterilization wasn’t correct, the anesthetic wasn’t the right one”¦ even the fact that Thomas had allowed me to keep my shoes on was wrong!

Bear in mind I’m lying half naked on a table, my arm above my head with my breast covered in yellow iodine — and here was this so-called professional (who hadn’t even had the courtesy to greet me or even give me a smile) throwing disapproving comments to the friendly technician who had done everything he could to put me at ease. It was a hugely uncomfortable atmosphere, and I felt myself stiffening. I was in a physically vulnerable situation, but there was no way I was going to let myself be bullied by this rude man.

So I started chit-chatting to break the tension. The doctor was sitting next to me but still would not look at me — although I was looking straight up in to his eyes. Can you guess what I saw? The familiar empty, cold and emotionless expression that sent a shiver of recognition down my spine.

I knew how important it was to get this biopsy over and done with, so I kept on looking at the doctor and kept asking questions. He asked me to point out the lump because he was having difficulty finding it on the ultrasound. When I moved my hand towards the area he huffed, rolled his eyes and told me off for accidentally touching a part of my skin. “Now look what she’s done” he spat at Thomas “we’re going to have to sterilize all over again!”

It carried on like that for a good few minutes more. I asked what he could see on the screen and said to him that I’d been told that there was nothing to worry about

“Well, Madame” he sneered, pushing the scanner just a little harder than necessary in to my breast “it doesn’t look like ”˜nothing’ to me — you have lots of cysts, but this”¦ this is something quite different!”

Deliberate Cruelty

He seemed to take pleasure brandishing his power, and deliberately making me nervous. It was working on Thomas, but it wasn’t going to work on me. I kept my focus strong and refused to look away from his eyes — still keeping my expression relaxed and my breathing regular as he picked up a huge needle and brought it close to my breast.

“And now, Madame” he said, fixing me with cold eyes and a straight face “you have to shut your mouth and shut your eyes”

Taking a deep breath and maintaining eye contact, I calmly said no. “I can give you silence” I said “but I am not closing my eyes”

“Well you have to” he replied, a little taken aback by what he probably saw as insolence “I have to work in silence and it annoys me if a patient watches what I am doing. I must instruct you now to close your eyes and keep your mouth shut while I do my work. I need you to do this or I cannot do my work”

“And I need someone who can reassure me and put me at ease” I replied, still staying calm, still smiling, and still fixing him with my gaze “this is my body, and I would like to watch what is happening”

With that, his mask slipped. Blinking furiously, he threw down his instruments, stood up, huffed and puffed and spat out the words “I won’t work in this way Madame, you’ve ruined it. You’ve messed it up, this is your problem. I am leaving – good day Madame!”

And with that he flounced out of the room, slamming the door behind him like a petulant teenager, leaving Thomas and I open-mouthed in the silence that remained.

So that was the end of my biopsy. I sat up, covering myself as best I could and looked to Thomas for some kind of explanation. I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong, but still the whispering questions had already threatened to surface “Is this my fault? Could I have handled this differently?” — but those questions were instantly silenced when I saw Thomas’s face. He was mortified.

“I am so sorry Madame” he said, reaching out to touch my shoulder “this is nothing to do with you. He is a very difficult man and we have had many problems with him. He’s the same with all of us, it’s very bad”

“But this is not right!” I replied, tears of frustration pricking in my eyes and uncontrollable shakes by now beginning to show in my hands “It’s not right that he’s allowed to do this! Why is he in this job? How can he be allowed to treat people this way? It’s totally unacceptable!”

And then came the response I have now become accustomed to hearing

“But he’s our boss. We know it’s wrong, but what can we do?”

Standing Up For What Is Right

This monster works in a clinic that specializes in detecting and treating breast cancer. My heart sank, imagining how many people — staff as well as numerous vulnerable patients — this so-called professional is bullying and criticizing every day of his life. How many people leave the clinic feeling a little less confident, a little more worthless, and in some cases physically abused. People who go there expecting help and support in their darkest moments, and end up feeling belittled and humiliated! But because this man is an educated, revered professional, nobody is standing up to him — so he gets away with it!

I understand that I am the first person this man has actually walked out on. Good, so he’ll remember me. Because I’m also the first person who is going to stand up, speak out, and make certain this man is held accountable for his actions.

The experience shook me enormously. For the next couple of days I found myself bursting in to tears for no apparent reason. But you know what? I’m now back on track and taking the first steps towards dealing with the authorities who are responsible for this man. I’ll let you know how I get on.

In the meantime, my biopsy has been rescheduled with another doctor for Friday 13th April — lucky for some, and super-lucky for me. Well, at least that’s what I’m choosing to think in any case!

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48 Comments on "Deliberate Cruelty From Someone Who Is Meant To Care"

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Dear BB, you are to commend to try to walk in this man’s shoes. That you (from experience) try to understand him, make excuses for his behaviour, could be percieved as enabling, (maybe your own MD treated you in the same way? I hope not!) . To me it is cold abuse of the most vulnerable and executing power at its worst. Disgusting!

This man earns a lot of money from the patient’s fees, and nobody has forced him to be a MD in a breast clinic. It is so well payed BECAUSE it is difficult, so just the most dedicated and mentally fit should work there!

He has to be told how his behaviour is percieved by his clients. When it is really that

….”It comes from a heart that has been broken over and over again from not being able to save patients that became dear to him. Grief, stuck, building up and overwhelming, can present as coldness.”…..,

then this man urgently needs professional coaching if not treatment for burn out or depression. And he has to be removed ASAP from any patient contact.

As Mel stated it is so for years and it is affecting the whole team. So my opinion is that this man is not in the right place, BECAUSE this man has a very very difficult job. I commend Mel for calling a spade a spade.

Libelle, You as an MD having worked with cancer patients, I respect your opinion on this absolutely and totally agree with you. I imagine the problem is though that this man owns the clinic or the practice. Maybe not, if not maybe something can be done. It is very unfortunate in any case.

I think part of the problem in our society today is that we “excuse” the bad behavior of young gangs by saying “they don’t have a father” or “no one encouraged them to stay in school” and it seems that there is an ‘excuse” for every person’s bad behavior. But to me, I propose that each person be responsibile for their own behavior and the consequences of it.

OxD – BRAVO!!!! If only there WERE consequences.

Dear Oxy, you are so right: to excuse is a very difficult topic. When we excuse we take a part of the responsibility of the wrongdoer and we give away a part of our own power, and the wrongdoer by excusing himself is giving away some of the responsibility and the consequences he had to resume alone.

Therefore it is always very embarrassing for the wrongdoer and difficult for the “excuser” NOT to accept an excuse even when it does not come from a sincere heart, because it is a very strong statement of the excuser executing the power of discerning right from wrong and placing the responsibility where it belongs. So we have to take good care whom we absolve or not.

Truthspeak: I strongly believe in karma.

A guy like this? Fire him on the spot and refuse to pay the bill.

I get this from teachers we work with all the time. Like an excuse makes it ok to do something that is not only rude, but technically illegal when it comes to educating the disabled.

As though an excuse and some shmooze is supposed to make it ok?

Um, I’m thinking not so much.

That kind of Jedi magic doesn’t work with me…..

When that kind of thing happens its critical to remember that the real power lies in the hands with a customer and we can vote with our dollars.

We have no obligation to keep bad people in business or to go back for more mistreatment.

Its easy with Doctors.

Try to get a teacher disciplined or fired….
That is much more difficult and what they do to abuse students is much more subtle often.

But, if we as “customers” keep going back and accepting the excuses, then the continuation is something we have fostered.

Its come up before on love fraud… “No is a complete sentence”.

Dear Silver, my point was to NOT excuse this kind of behaviour. In fact that we must be very careful whom we grant an excuse, as we give away power with it.

And you are perfectly right that teachers are a complete other league to deal with when it comes to discipline or have them fired, even when they abuse children for years. (I have first hand experience in a country that is said to have one of the best public schooling systems in the world. It is pathetic, how power is executed by authorities on the backs of the most vulnerable just to save one’s behind because of bad judgement for years)

It takes lots of stamina and firmness to stick to the non-excuse, as Mel did, specially in her dire circumstances (this is what such rats are counting on, that people are so shocked that they do not say anything).

Mel, you should report this incident to either the supervisors of this clinic or the national board and the health authorities and furthermore refuse to see this particular MD and change clinics alltogether when he is the owner.

I chuckled as I read about you chit-chating and refusing to close your eyes “because you wanted to watch what was being done to your body”.You deserve an Oscar!
Because of things I’ve been through in my life,I prefer female Drs,if I have a choice.They understand how a woman feels and it’s easier to converse with them;especially if something is worrying you.
A few monthes ago I underwent a hysteroscopy & d&c .The gynecologist was male.Nice enough I guess.His motto is “Honest & Compassionate Care”.I was just disappointed that he barely even looked at me or talked when I went back for my checkup 2 wks later.

Thx to Mel,

What a great story of courage under cruelty….that man is in a position of power, that he uses to abuse his pateints and subordinate staff. That you did not tolerate his treatment is a testament to how we can go beyond the frail-creature state that a spath wants us to stay in!
I tolerated much cruelty from the man I thought I was in love with….this is not going to happen again. I intend to come out of this stronger.


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