By: Linda Hartoonian Almas, M.S. Ed
When dealing with psychopaths, or individuals with psychopathic features, nothing is as it seems to the naked eye. When in relationships with psychopathic individuals, the non-psychopaths bear the brunt of great responsibility, both real and perceived. After all, the “normals” really are left carrying the loads and picking up the pieces when the psychopaths are tired of playing the games that they initiated. However, the blame or burden they attempt to place on us, while accepting none for themselves, is not legitimate and we should not internalize it. Our actions and behaviors have little or nothing to do with the outcomes of their choices, even if they, for a time, have us believing otherwise.
While I generally feel that we are largely responsible for our own lives and have a fair amount of control over our own destinies, there is no question that when we interact closely with psychopaths, these notions may change. Our playing fields are far from level, altering everything we thought we knew about interpersonal communication and human behavior. In short, we are left reeling because we tend to assume that everyone is normal, or at least not psychopathic, and we act accordingly. We continue on this path until we gain an accurate understanding of how psychopaths function. Once we process and accept what we know, we give ourselves a tremendous gift; understanding. While we cannot change them and we come to know that, this understanding allows us to alter our behaviors, thus eliminating their power and control.
Pick and choose
For me, few questions remain about their behaviors or how to react to them. Almost twenty years’ experience—a combination of personal, professional, and academic—have brought me to this place. However, from time to time, I occasionally find myself pondering how they pick and choose which rules to follow.
At first, I felt the answer was obvious. It would seem that, like anything else they do, the answer would lie in the payoff. Perhaps it does. Given their lack of insight and inability to engage in any actual long term planning, it may be that simple. Nonetheless, the topic has caused me to give pause.
I am able to comprehend that they feel that the rules governing the rest of society simply do not apply to them. I am also able to understand that they have only limited regard for consequences. Furthermore, I realize that they tend to think mainly in the short term, and acknowledge that their desire for immediate gratification may override all else. But is there more; is there some form of rhyme or reason to their compliance or lack thereof?
For example, let’s examine financial obligations, since this tends to be a common area of non-compliance and general mismanagement. Let’s take this scenario one step further, and discuss court ordered financial obligations. In spite of the court system attaching a certain level of importance to these obligations, it is not uncommon for psychopathic individuals, or those with such features, to treat these orders as SUGGESTIONS. Why?
As with anything anyone does, there could be a multitude of reasons. However, psychopaths’ motivations may be more sinister than ours. It is clear that they have no problem insulting the integrity of the courts, but it is likely that this goes much further. Below, are some possible reasons.
Possible Reasons for Non-Compliance:
1. They may want those they owe to “suffer.”
2. They may be engaging in “payback” for something they perceive was done to them. Remember, they see themselves as the actual victims much of the time.
3. They may be attempting to stir the drama pot and elicit reactions or engagements, instigate arguments, or create circular, dead-end “back and forths” over their wrongdoing.
4. They may be attempting to bring out “bad behaviors” so that they look “right” or “justified” in their actions.
5. They may be attempting to frustrate, wear down, or harm financially, emotionally, or otherwise.
6. They may be attempting to exercise power and control over the situation.
7. They may be looking for pity, especially if they have a “good” reason (but you know better) as to why they are unable to pay.
8. They may want those they owe to internalize their wrongdoings, and accept blame. For example, “Had I not (fill in the blank,) I would be getting paid.”
9. They may simply be taking risks, with or without regard for any potential consequences. These risks may be calculated, planned, and enjoyable to them, or they may not give them a second thought.
10. They may simply feel that they have better things to spend “their” money on.
This list is, by no means, exhaustive. As I write, I can think of several more possibilities. Additionally, much of this list is not exclusive to financial choices. It could apply to many different sets of rules or norms. The important thing to remember, regardless of their motivations, is this; these choices are theirs, not ours. The rules and structure that govern society have spoken and in spite of what they decide, very real consequences could come their way in situations regarding such non-compliance or compliance on their terms.
So, how or why do they choose to follow some rules and not others? That is not something for which I can offer an absolute answer. This topic comes with many variables. We each probably hold some very solid theories, in addition to the ones I provided.
What I can offer is that I know it is our responsibility to utilize the gifts we gave (or are in the process of giving) ourselves and employ our knowledge. We must pull strength from our understanding and control ourselves, because reasoning with the unreasonable or attempting to work with those who wish to harm us is fruitless. It is a process that takes practice and persistence, but when we do this, we render them powerless regardless of their actions and choices.
Linda Hartoonian Almas has a Master’s Degree in Learning and Behavior. She is former a police officer who had her own run-in with a psychopath. She lectures on domestic violence and is a contributing author of a presentation on psychopathy in the family court system.
I have an interesting “rules” theory regarding my x-spath that may be partially true. I have strong evidence that he was hiding his HIV+ status from me. One reason why I was so devastated by the relationship’s sudden end was that while dating him, I was faced with a very real HIV scare of my own. While in the end I was not HIV+, I was open about the issue to him and it was the next day he dumped me, and never mentioned HIV again or even asked about my status while I was still in contact with him.
Thus, when it all “clicked,” my immediate thoughts were why did he not trust me? After all, I trusted him — he took me to the hospital…
Later on, I realized that perhaps part of this was perhaps due to his employment as a flight attendant and at that time, technically an HIV+ individual could be banned from entry into the country. While the reality of this was remote, it certainly could be one reason with a sociopath would not disclose his status.
BBE:
I think he most likely is HIV+. I really do think that. I can’t know of course, but my gut tells me so from everything you have said.
Louise;
It also occurred to me that the first site where I found his profile, and the last site are international ones and he is/was very, very active on these. However, on the popular UK sites, he does not seem to be active, at least under the profiles I came across. it is possible he has others, but I am strongly convinced that he uses the international sites to arrange dates in advance.
I have other evidence this is true. On a date with him, when I was become convinced we were “soulmates” I asked him were he typically went when out in New York, since he was here twice a month. I followed up with that I was surprised I had not run across him sooner.
His responsive was typically evasive and somewhat angry” “well, sometimes I am tired and its not like I go out every night after arriving in a city.”
I was actually taken back by his response, as I think something like “I guess I was just not lucky” or even “if I go out, it was generally XYZ bar….” I think I now know why he was nervous and evasive regarding my simple question — he was meeting guys online in advance and then hooking up with them. In that type of situation, he did not have to worry about disclosure.
Hey guys, I need some advice…
My adult sister (mid-40s) has a history of boundary issues. This is pervasive, but I’ll stick to one particular type of boundary issue: no respect for the property of others, and again specifically her family members.
This started in our teens, first I became aware of it: she took a pair of my shoes (against my knowledge) and wore them to go bowling because she wanted to go home in (steal) the “cool” bowling shoes and leave a pair behind (mine — not hers). A couple months later I wondered where my shoes went because I wanted to wear them, and she laughed when she told me how clever she’d been. (OK, just one story… there are plenty more where that came from)
So she usually laughs, when she reveals these tricks she plays and stuff. And now she’s in her mid-40s. pretty entrenched pattern. Over the years she has taken things out of our houses (mine, my parents and our grandparents) without a thought that there is anything wrong with it. I dread having her over for this reason (among others) and thank goodness for 2-1/2 decades she lived very far away.
A year ago she lost her job, lost her apartment, and moved in with our elderly parents, who are still independent but on the edge of not being independent (physically and mentally). Seriously — I check on them just about daily, and I can see they are OK for now, but might need more of our help soon. I respect their autonomy and want to do the right thing. She has sort of invaded their house, and it has been challenging. They are loyal to her and want to help her out during this “rough patch” by providing a place to live free of rent, by loaning her money, etc.
My sister is apparently looking hard for work but not finding anything. I’ll just say that my parents live near me, but in a different city from where my sister has been living for the past 25 or so years, and she is hoping to move back to that other city (a 5 hour drive from here). (harder to find a job when you are not living in the city where you want to work).
The problem of the day: on Easter my sister pulled me aside and — once again laughing — told me how she had donated some of my parents’ things to charity without their knowing, because she thinks they have too much stuff (books). And that about a week after she’d done so, our dad was wondering where his books were. She had hidden the effects of what she did by placing other books on the same shelves.
Well, I don’t approve of this, but all she can do is laugh and continues doing more of the same. As I said, this pattern is entrenched.
I don’t know if I should tell my parents or not that my sister is getting rid of their things without asking or telling them. I have my own boundary issues from having grown up in this family, and I still don’t quite have that all figured out.
I know if it were me, I’d feel like I was going crazy to have my things be missing or rearranged (gaslighting). I would want to know. But I hate being in this position of feeling like I am the police or meddling. I just wish she would behave herself. (wishful thinking).
I’d like to handle this in a strong-boundary sort of way, but I’m finding it difficult to get my perspective on straight. Help? 🙂
WOW, that’s a hard one because when you do and they confront her, then she is going to be very angry at you for ratting her out and then she is going to be in a fight with your parents and either they kick her out (unlikely) or they live in a state of fear or or or or….none of the pictures are happy ones.
I also thinnk she is testing you to see what you will say.
I think the avenue of least trouble would be to tell her… sister, those are THEIR things and YOU have NO right to be getting rid of them. You are a guest here in their home not YOUR home.
Leave their stuff alone.
Don’t know it will do any good but will at least show her where you lie with it.
Think is too, she may tell them that she caught you stealing those things. (probably will in fact) You are in a lose/lose situation. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. FAMILY shiat and drama!
OMG, 20 years, that is what my spath brother in law does to my spath sister. He told me. But before he told me, my spath mom said, “your sister is always missing things, and sometimes there are missing things in my house. I think BIL has been taking them, just to be a jerk.” She was right, he admitted it to me in a confidential way, just like your sister did.
Since I learned about spaths, I figured out that my spath mom has been able to spot spaths a mile away since forever. She’s always been able to tell what happened and why. It’s eerie.
What you described is spath behavior. I’m concerned.
She may have moved back in just to take over the house and belongings when the time comes.
I would tell your parents what she said, but I would not expect anything except denial from her and from them. There is no good outcome to this situation.
She is there in their home and she will plant seeds against you. On the other hand, I feel that you are obligated to say something to them because you would want them to do that for you.
20years, this IS a debacle. In one respect, sister has been ALLOWED to get away with these behaviors – she feels ENTITLED to do as she pleases. Whether she laughs or cries makes no difference – she is a TAKER.
In the other respect, telling the parents what she’s done and said will cause them some terrible issues – they are probably quite aware of her bad behaviors and have, to some degree, enabled them from an early age. Telling them will only further any angst that they may be feeling about their aging and this type of situation pits family members against one another.
That sister is LIVING in their space is an even GREATER problem – she is there to fill parents’ head with who-knows-what. I agree that this is a serious situation, whether people have tolerated sister’s behaviors in the past, or not. When it comes to money and possessions, family members who are disordered will gleefully rub their hands together, contemplate the “riches” that they’ll inherit, and launch an all-out campaign of elderabuse.
Sister needs OUT of that house, regardless of her situation. That’s the only thing that I can come up with, personally – telling parents about sister’s actions may be the “right” thing to do, but only you know whether or not they’ll be able to handle it and see to their own safety by putting her out.
Thank you. I unfortunately have to leave my computer access for the next few hours, but I will check back AND I have some more stories to tell in response to what you said, Skylar.
Oxy, thankfully it is impossible that my parents will believe my sister if she tries to frame me — they may not realize she is a spath (oh dear, I just said it!) but they know that I am decent. Too much water under the bridge for her to get away with anything like that.
I’m not saying that as they age and perhaps lose their marbles, that that couldn’t happen. But for now, they know my character is a decent one. And they know her history.
20years
You’re talking about Spathzilla (my older sister)
ALLOWED…..YES
ENTITLED…..YES
TAKER……….YES
IT does exactly what IT wants and any objections are met with a look of puzzlement “what’s your problem” and “I’m a free spirit”
IT has no concept of “taking turns” or “sharing” or “equality”
Full of ITS own importance. Spathzilla rules…………NOT ANYMORE.
What angers me now is the fact that because IT says something is so, that others accept without question(as I used to do) that IT is right!
I want to slap IT! Time for a glass of red!
Truthspeak
What a lovely genuine thing to say. x
OK Skylar, so sorry you woke up in the middle of the night!!!
Here’s what your post made me think of, regarding your mom being able to spot spaths a mile away and figure out who did what and why…. because *I* have that ability. This ability actually makes me uneasy, because I wonder how I can know such unknowable things… or if I just have a suspicious mind.
Anyway, here’s the story: I live near Washington, D.C. Several years ago a friend of mine (“Julie”) from a friendly small town where I used to live (though I grew up here, moved away, and moved back) came here for the first time ever, because she was attending a convention around the 4th of July. She was going to stay with me for a couple of days, then go downtown to her hotel for the rest of the week and the convention. She told me a story about a woman on “her team” (“Danielle”) whom she’d never met personally, but this team had been emailing about an assigned project which they were going to present on at the convention. They each had a piece of the assignment to write. Julie had done her part, so had the other 2 folks, but Danielle had not. She had excuses: she is a busy mom, had some travel, stuff at work, her “homeland security” husband has been out of town, etc. (true of the others, as well, but no excuses there). So at the last minute Danielle asks Julie to write her part which she hasn’t done. Julie does this. Then Danielle announces that she is going to be the one presenting the entire project before the convention crowd, even though she actually didn’t write any of it, and even though the group had initially decided that each would present their parts individually. Julie thinks this is weird but goes along with it, because the other two people are going along with it (so she believes). Then the strange stuff starts. I’m having a bad feeling, and the rest of this unfolds with great deja vu for me. It is now time for Julie to transfer to her hotel. She calls the hotel to confirm her arrival time. They have no record of her reservation! Although they did right before she had left her town to come here (she had confirmed then, as well). She calls the others on her team to tell them, and see if she can share a room with one of them. Surprise! The same thing has happened to both of them (Danielle lives here, so it is not an issue for her). As it is the 4th of July in D.C., there are no other hotel rooms available anywhere. Of course she could stay with me, but I live very far out of town, and that is not so convenient when you have a convention. She is distressed and calls back the hotel for an explanation and to be more assertive about the problem. The person on the phone says something like, “I can’t tell you anything, and probably not this either, but we got a call from homeland security telling us to cancel your reservation.” Julie ended up getting (coincidentally?) very ill the next day, and she had to return back to her small town and missed the convention. Danielle presented the team project as if it were her own, and she ended up being elected to the national board of the group (elections were held at this convention). Apparently during the time when she was supposed to have been writing her part of the team project, she had instead been schmoozing with the folks who would help her get elected.
So the bottom line of the story is that NONE of this was a surprise to ME, for some reason. I had no trouble believing that Danielle had had her husband phone the hotel (or SHE did, using his credentials etc.) and use his position to “lose” the reservations. But Julie was completely in shock over what happened (she had never run into this type of behavior before). And further… when she went back home, NO ONE BELIEVED HER. She ended up doubting my “take” on the story after she didn’t get any validation at home.
So I guess I have wondered why I have found it easier to believe that evil exists, and have for a long time. I have known devious people. It is easier for me to believe it, when it is a stranger doing it to a friend, though, than it is for me to catch on when it is someone close to me, like a husband, who is not “by definition” supposed to be out to get me.