By: Linda Hartoonian Almas, M.S. Ed
When dealing with psychopaths, or individuals with psychopathic features, nothing is as it seems to the naked eye. When in relationships with psychopathic individuals, the non-psychopaths bear the brunt of great responsibility, both real and perceived. After all, the “normals” really are left carrying the loads and picking up the pieces when the psychopaths are tired of playing the games that they initiated. However, the blame or burden they attempt to place on us, while accepting none for themselves, is not legitimate and we should not internalize it. Our actions and behaviors have little or nothing to do with the outcomes of their choices, even if they, for a time, have us believing otherwise.
While I generally feel that we are largely responsible for our own lives and have a fair amount of control over our own destinies, there is no question that when we interact closely with psychopaths, these notions may change. Our playing fields are far from level, altering everything we thought we knew about interpersonal communication and human behavior. In short, we are left reeling because we tend to assume that everyone is normal, or at least not psychopathic, and we act accordingly. We continue on this path until we gain an accurate understanding of how psychopaths function. Once we process and accept what we know, we give ourselves a tremendous gift; understanding. While we cannot change them and we come to know that, this understanding allows us to alter our behaviors, thus eliminating their power and control.
Pick and choose
For me, few questions remain about their behaviors or how to react to them. Almost twenty years’ experience—a combination of personal, professional, and academic—have brought me to this place. However, from time to time, I occasionally find myself pondering how they pick and choose which rules to follow.
At first, I felt the answer was obvious. It would seem that, like anything else they do, the answer would lie in the payoff. Perhaps it does. Given their lack of insight and inability to engage in any actual long term planning, it may be that simple. Nonetheless, the topic has caused me to give pause.
I am able to comprehend that they feel that the rules governing the rest of society simply do not apply to them. I am also able to understand that they have only limited regard for consequences. Furthermore, I realize that they tend to think mainly in the short term, and acknowledge that their desire for immediate gratification may override all else. But is there more; is there some form of rhyme or reason to their compliance or lack thereof?
For example, let’s examine financial obligations, since this tends to be a common area of non-compliance and general mismanagement. Let’s take this scenario one step further, and discuss court ordered financial obligations. In spite of the court system attaching a certain level of importance to these obligations, it is not uncommon for psychopathic individuals, or those with such features, to treat these orders as SUGGESTIONS. Why?
As with anything anyone does, there could be a multitude of reasons. However, psychopaths’ motivations may be more sinister than ours. It is clear that they have no problem insulting the integrity of the courts, but it is likely that this goes much further. Below, are some possible reasons.
Possible Reasons for Non-Compliance:
1. They may want those they owe to “suffer.”
2. They may be engaging in “payback” for something they perceive was done to them. Remember, they see themselves as the actual victims much of the time.
3. They may be attempting to stir the drama pot and elicit reactions or engagements, instigate arguments, or create circular, dead-end “back and forths” over their wrongdoing.
4. They may be attempting to bring out “bad behaviors” so that they look “right” or “justified” in their actions.
5. They may be attempting to frustrate, wear down, or harm financially, emotionally, or otherwise.
6. They may be attempting to exercise power and control over the situation.
7. They may be looking for pity, especially if they have a “good” reason (but you know better) as to why they are unable to pay.
8. They may want those they owe to internalize their wrongdoings, and accept blame. For example, “Had I not (fill in the blank,) I would be getting paid.”
9. They may simply be taking risks, with or without regard for any potential consequences. These risks may be calculated, planned, and enjoyable to them, or they may not give them a second thought.
10. They may simply feel that they have better things to spend “their” money on.
This list is, by no means, exhaustive. As I write, I can think of several more possibilities. Additionally, much of this list is not exclusive to financial choices. It could apply to many different sets of rules or norms. The important thing to remember, regardless of their motivations, is this; these choices are theirs, not ours. The rules and structure that govern society have spoken and in spite of what they decide, very real consequences could come their way in situations regarding such non-compliance or compliance on their terms.
So, how or why do they choose to follow some rules and not others? That is not something for which I can offer an absolute answer. This topic comes with many variables. We each probably hold some very solid theories, in addition to the ones I provided.
What I can offer is that I know it is our responsibility to utilize the gifts we gave (or are in the process of giving) ourselves and employ our knowledge. We must pull strength from our understanding and control ourselves, because reasoning with the unreasonable or attempting to work with those who wish to harm us is fruitless. It is a process that takes practice and persistence, but when we do this, we render them powerless regardless of their actions and choices.
Linda Hartoonian Almas has a Master’s Degree in Learning and Behavior. She is former a police officer who had her own run-in with a psychopath. She lectures on domestic violence and is a contributing author of a presentation on psychopathy in the family court system.
20 Years your post above is very deep and profound actually. The healing process does start out with a fascination with learning about THEM and what they do, what they think, and what they are, then at some point we realize they are banal. EVIL though. Just like a venomous snake…I live in the woods and I know there are copper heads, the occasional timber rattler, and water mocosins out here. I am cautious, I know what they look like in contraxt to the non poisonous snakes, and I know kind of where they might likely be so I don’t put my hands under a rock or a log without looking first, I don’t go out in the yard at night without shoes on….so I don’t live in fear of them, just cautious.
Same thing with the psychopaths. Now that we have been “bitten” and have more or less recovered from the wound of their poison, we know they are out there and what they look like so we want to stay away from them.
Learning about ourselves though, why we were vulnerable may be the most important step for us. I know I have been seriously bitten by several psychopaths….and went on to be victimized again because I didn’t know what I didn’t know and didn’t heal the vulnerabilities I had.
I think I am pretty well prepared for the next Spath that comes along to recognize them, but I am not “cocky” about it….better wo/men than I have been fooled again and again! LOL
20years,
I know what you mean. It gets tedious trying to understand the incomprehensible. It would be so much easier to just say, “because they’re stupid, that’s why!” That is actually the correct answer.
Unfortunately, they run the show. They are in charge everywhere and pretending that the only spath that can harm us is the one in our living room, is going back to the naive notions that got us in trouble to begin with. Spaths are the reason we have war, financial disasters, crime, poverty and even many diseases (STD’s) can be attributed to their behavior.
I believe that our close encounter with evil puts us in a unique position to help begin making a change. We need to educate others but we can’t do it without being knowledgeable ourselves.
You are right, it does want us to engage with it. It knows it can slime you no matter how you attempt to approach it. What it doesn’t want is to be ignored or unmasked. We should do both. First learn about it, then shun it in all the forms that it takes.
My P sister launched such a coordinated attack against me that it involved people from three different states attacking me and my son in a fourth.
It wouldn’t surprise me if she had tables, charts, and a written time line.
I would also bet, because she does this sort of thing, that she had a written checklist showing what was to be done when and who was supposed to what at her planned time. She would also have checkmarks and her comments next to each executed step. That’s pretty much her to a “T”.
Long term planning is an expression of her arrogance and perceived superiority over others.
What about all the Ps found in corporations, financial institutions, and government?
There are criminals who take “trophies” to re-live their crimes.
There is a class of Ps who relish going over every detail of their attacks. They live to create, see in motion, and remember a successfully executed plan.
What about people who usurp positions of power or authority? Or use their charm to rise to the top of whatever organization that they are involved with?
All these people plan.
They’re strategists. Strategy is a game to them and that in itself is a reason to execute their plans. They gloat over their genius at deceiving others.
They plot, plan, and they have long-range objectives.
YES! G1S! YES!
I believe it is a disservice to announce that the spaths are impulsive and don’t plan. These mofo’s do NOTHING BUT PLAN, day and night. They love the convoluted nature of their planning. They tell each participant a different story. They are story driven characters. In each story they tell, they are the leading character and the person hearing the story is the lead supporting character.
This is how they ensnare others to do their dirty work, by appealing to their narcissism. “You are special like me. Only you and I know the truth. It’ll be our own little secret.” puuuuuuuuke!
Their plans are not that great, really. The ONLY reason they work is because the lies they tell are beyond anybody’s capacity to believe that anyone else would do such a thing. It is our OWN refusal to believe that monsters DO exist, which allows them to connive right under our very noses. And they KNOW this. That’s why they laugh and do psychopathic tells.
When I asked my spath what he had been poisoning me with, he said, “strychnine and botulism toxin.” The way he said it, I didn’t believe him. It sounded made up. I googled the symptoms and they matched.
skylar;
Yes, they do plan and are quite controlling, but the plans are always short-term plans, typically regarding their next victim, not long-term life plans.
When still in the “friendship mode” with the x-spath, I went to Facebook him, as I just joined. When I found him, several of his albums were unlocked, including photos of a trip to the Caribbean the week after he dumped me. In several of the photos, he is sitting with his as around this one guy, a fellow flight attendant.
Ox — add vultures to your list of creatures to be avoided.
He made no mention of the trip me which was obviously in the works for weeks, as the group was fairly large. At first I thought it was a last minute thing, as he implied he was alone. When I saw the pictures, I realized it was neither last minute nor was he alone.
Any normal person would mention that they were planning a trip. Not the sociopath, especially when they are planning to be with somebody else.
Yap ~! Just like a chamelion ( did I spell that right? ) they can even change personalities for each victim or relationship. My X could go from masculine badboy to feminine passive boi toy..What ever it takes to keep the options a plenty. Not like a split personality, more calculating and contrived, like an actor enjoying his craft. He can even change sexual roles at the drop of his pant’s, from gay to straight to bisexual, what ever it take’s to lure his prey. I guess they call that multi-tasking…oh my,,,
G1S—“impulsive” in the way that Dr. Leedom and other psychiatrists use the term is not the same as WE use the term, it means that for example…I go into a bank and I think “oh, it would be great to rob this bank and get all their money” but not being a P I dont even consider ACTING on that impulse, but the psychopath does think about it and of course may do it.
ADHD kids are “impulsive” and do things on the spur of the moment without considering consequences and some Ps are also ADHD, and my Trojan Horse psychopath was ADHD, Bi-polar and Psychopathic (all professionally diagnosed) so he would do things without thinking on the spur of the moment (what we would call “impulsive”) Patrick doesn’t control his impulses to do whatever the heck he decides he wants to do.
I’ve had the IMPULSE to kill a couple of people…but I did not DO it. I really DID want to kill these people, but I would never have actually done it because I can control my impulses. I WILL control my impulses. I CHOOSE to control my impulses, but you know…the psychopaths don’t.
Hens did you get a new puter? You can’t stay away from LF or me! LOL I’m swimming in eggs, the 3 girls are laying 3 a day as regular as clock work! Wish I had a kid to dye eggs for for Easter!
I suppose there are impulsive spaths as well as those who plan the long term cons with much planning. Just as there are impulsive empaths and more contemplative ones.
Maybe the mind of the psychopath reveals itself more easily in the impulsive ones who think a perversion and then do it impulsively. We are given a peak into his mind by observing the sick twisted behavior.
My spath is not that way when it comes to his sick behavior. I think he sits and relishes the impulse to do evil. He likes to simmer in it, ponder it and fantasize about the different ways he could pull it off with nobody ever being the wiser about it.
I see what you mean Oxy, because in the end he does actually act on the impulse to do evil even if it takes 25 years to do the long con. Unfortunately, that’s why it’s misleading to say that they are impulsive. People imagine that someone with self-control must not be a psychopath.