UPDATED FOR 2023. You and I feel personal satisfaction through accomplishment, or warm human relationships, or being of service to others.
Psychopaths feel personal satisfaction through pulling the so-called strings and making people jump.
They do something that they know will upset you just to see you cry. They trap you into no-win situations to watch you squirm. They devalue and discard you, so they can watch you fall apart.
Why do they do this?
Social motivations
The answer lies at the heart of the personality disorder. According to Dr. Liane Leedom, psychopaths have an out-of-control power motivation.
Researchers have identified four social motivations. These are basic motivations that people, as social animals, have regarding other people. They are:
- Attachment — desire to be with other people, especially mates, family and tribe
- Sex — for enjoyment, bonding and reproduction
- Caregiving — doing what is best for other people’s health and wellbeing
- Power — desire for higher rank and privilege
Anyone can have these motivations to greater or lesser degrees. In most people, the social motivations balance each other out. For example, the power motivation makes people want to achieve and be leaders, so it isn’t necessarily bad. Usually, the attachment and caregiving motivations keep it in check. Most people are willing to go after what they want, but don’t want to harm other people in the process.
Psychopaths are different
Psychopaths feel the attachment motivation — they want to be with other people. They certainly want sex. And they really want power.
They do not, however, experience the caregiving motivation. Psychopaths are really only interested in themselves, and have no concern at all about the welfare of others. (If they seem to be displaying concern, it’s only because they have an ulterior motive.)
Read more: Key symptoms of psychopaths
The bottom line, then, is that psychopaths have a really strong power motivation, and no caregiving motivation to but the brakes on it. So what they really want in life is power and control.
Yes, they want sex, but they want power and control more. Psychopaths aren’t necessarily sex-crazed fiends. Many either engage in sex or withhold it in order to increase their power and control.
Do NOT react
Psychopaths love being puppet masters — making other people react feeds their desire for power and control.
That’s why No Contact is so important. No Contact changes the dynamic. It takes you out of the psychopath’s feedback loop, because they can’t get their power-and-control fix.
If No Contact is not possible, or not possible yet, the next best strategy is DO NOT react. When psychopaths try to provoke you, do not respond emotionally — at least in front of them. Even if you have to temporarily be the world’s greatest actress or actor, do not let them know that they’ve upset you.
If you can keep this up, hopefully the psychopath will get bored and lose interest in you. When you don’t react, you’re no fun anymore.
The idea is to cut the puppet master strings, so that you can achieve your freedom.
Lovefraud originally posted this story on May 9, 2016.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Our relationship had three distinct phases
NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT.
Protect yourself, and as a bonus, take away the SP’s fun (power play that is).
Great article. Cheers 🙂
If you don’t react, if you remain NO CONTACT, you take your power back and drive the psychopath crazy because he loses you as entertainment. No entertainment = a bored psychopath. Psychopaths need targets to play with in order to fight their incessant boredom which drives them crazy. If you want to win, you must starve the beast. No puppet, no toy to control and play with. Excellent post!
Another great written article by Donna. Thank you so much for validating my decision to divorce my ex husband sociopath. I have been no contact over 3 years now. And I call it “feedinghim his ego kibbles”. Kibbles he so desperately needs and wants to feed his ego, his existence , his image if being God. I stopped feeding him the day I filed for divorce. Even though we share a college age child , we stopped all communication with him. It cost me a fortune to let my attorney do the talking. But my sanity was priceless. For over 20 years I was his puppet in strings. So true. I did everything in my power to please him, to try to make him happy. In the end it was not enough. Nothing is ever enough. I was “replaced” with younger, fresher, more exciting supply in the form of a co worker. It caused me a lot of pain and skeepkess nights. Back then I thought I would never be ok again. My world was shattered , me dreams were give, my future unknown and shaky. I asked God to move mountains he did not move. But instead God removed evil out of my life. His plan was so much better than mine. While I prayed for my marriage to get restored God had other plans. Looking back now all I needed was my trust in God. And of course a good attorney. I am no longer a puppet on strings. I honestly forgot myself in this marriage. Being a puppet is not a life. I will remain no contact as long as I live because going back is not an option for me. It would be my death sentence. I value my emotional health much more than being in a relationship or marriage with someone who had absolutely no respect for me. As for him. I don’t care who he sees , where he lives and what he does. I am sure he has new puppets now. But all it matters that my strings were cut off and I was set free. The divorce made this final for ever.
Thank you Kaya, for posting this. So similar to mine. I am so excited about my future, and my heart still hurts when I remember the me who was so crushed after I had to end the 24-year marriage. I feel so sorry for “that” me… and wish I could have talked to the future me to know how thankful I’d become!! That was 4 years ago.
Yes. I still remember how crushed my heart was when he left us , his only family , one evening. He declared me mentally ill and he just left. Just like that. After over 20 years he walked out. I was in complete shock. I did not see it coming , I was not prepared. While he planned his exit for many months I was left devastated and in excruciating pain. I actually experienced physical symptoms. My heart was raising. My blood pressure was extremely high. And I went on. Day after day I went to work and I existed. That’s all I was capable of. Once I initiated the no contact I was finally able to focus on me. Not him anymore. I was done. I felt it in my heart to let go and accept it. My lawyer once asked “why are you so sad, give me one positive thing about this man “. He was right. There was nothing good about my husband , the marriage , the illusion of “family life”. It was basically all a lie. And yes I was acting the worst in my life for the last year before his exit. He left clues for me to doubt my sanity. I was constantly questioning if I was seeing the truth or imagining his affairs. I finally had pictures and proof that I was not crazy. Thinking back I am not proud of my behavior. But it is in the past , it ended with my divorce filing. And I stayed strong thtoughout this bitter divorce. I finally became a warrior instead of a puppet. And for that I am still proud of myself. Divorce is always “bad”. Divorcing a police officer takes it to a new level. But in the end I was victorious and yes my life is happy again. I don’t think back anymore. Even the “good times” with him are erased from my memory. I am thankful and blessed for my son. He is nothing like his father. And he will never be like his father. Because my son has a heart instead of an ice block at its place.
Is you are still a “puppet”. Stay strong. Sever all ties , change your email , your phone no and stay away from social websites. We lived without Facebook before and we can do it again. Don’t give them one inch crack in the door. Just close the door on them completely. Shut for good. That’s what I did and it saved my life.
I went NO CONTACT with my Narcopath in December 2014 after 18 months of severe emotional abuse and struggled trough recovery and I do mean struggle! I lost my job; fell into a deep depression and anxiety and just now am able to see my way to a near-normal life. On April 15, 2016 I received a text from him (from a new number) asking: “Do you think we could be friends again?” I replied only that he should go F*** himself. I got no response to that and don’t think I’ll hear from him again….No fun if I don’t play along! Excellent article Donna. Thank you for this page!
I’m so glad all of you are severing the strings and moving on!
Just want to say thanks for your comments and the article. I have only just found this website. I broke it off with my partner 3 months ago but due to circumstances only moved out from him 2 weeks ago, although I did spend 5 weeks with my sick mother during that time. I like many others didn’t realise the abuse I was subjecting myself to, as he made me believe that I was the crazy one! Reading articles on this site has opened my eyes to who he actually is. He had a car accident last week and I fell for the whole feeling sorry for him line, inwish I could take that back! Henthrew it back in my face! I now understand that no contact is the only way I can regain my sanity. I know it’s a slow process to come to terms with what you think you have lost! I look forward to the support I have found on here.
How wonderful for you thelittleone! 🙂 You are well on your way to a better life.
Welcome to the site. It is also wonderful.
Cheers to you.
Thanks Bev, glad to have found you all!
🙂
Welcome thelittleone. Be sure to check out the arcives we have thousands of great articles.
Thanks Donna appreciate the support, every time I looked here I cry! It’s wonderful to know that other people understand what you are going through, I can’t talk to many people close to me as I am an intruder in his area so most people have known him a lot longer than me and to them he is ‘charming’ FYI I am Australian and moved to the English country side and adopted his life because he welcomed me in.
thelittleone – oh dear, he moved you from Australia to England? That’s a typical sociopathic isolation strategy to assert control over you. I hope you can go home.
No he didn’t I moved here by myself and met him whilst I was here after a nasty divorce with another one exactly the same, met him just after breakup with husband so he latched onto my insecurities! Am having a strong day today and feeling indifferent to him but we all know how feelings change daily! Am certain now I have learnt my lessons after a lot of research! Thank god I am inquisitive and wanted to make my life better! I have decided as much as I love his family I have to leave them behind as well, it’s a shame but the thing to do xxx
Advice please! The man has just contacted me saying he misses the dogs! I asked him 2 weeks ago from he wanted to spend time with them and he said no it would be too hard on him! I hate the fact that they miss him and seemed depressed in the new house! What should I do?
IGNORE if possible.
It is another ploy…a pity ploy.
NO CONTACT is essential. DO NOT BELIEVE HIM about missing the dogs or ANYTHING else.
He is playing with you.
Damn I was doing so well and now he has activated my empathy!!! Damn damn damn why? Why does it work??? I know I shouldn’t respond but it’s hard!!
Why? You are doing what we have all done.
Don’t worry…it’s normal. Nothing is wrong with you.
DO NOT RESPOND to him.
bev the site won’t let me reply! In need of support!
Damn was doing so well with NC! Why do they pop up??
thelittleone IGNORE him! It is a ploy to manipulate you.
About your post we only allow 5 indented replies to an original post. Then just start with a new comment.
Damn I responded with he can see that if he wants to obviously not the response he wanted as I haven’t heard back I’ve I was nice! I am not expecting a response and don’t care which is good!
Thanks ladies appreciate your support!