UPDATED FOR 2023. You and I feel personal satisfaction through accomplishment, or warm human relationships, or being of service to others.
Psychopaths feel personal satisfaction through pulling the so-called strings and making people jump.
They do something that they know will upset you just to see you cry. They trap you into no-win situations to watch you squirm. They devalue and discard you, so they can watch you fall apart.
Why do they do this?
Social motivations
The answer lies at the heart of the personality disorder. According to Dr. Liane Leedom, psychopaths have an out-of-control power motivation.
Researchers have identified four social motivations. These are basic motivations that people, as social animals, have regarding other people. They are:
- Attachment — desire to be with other people, especially mates, family and tribe
- Sex — for enjoyment, bonding and reproduction
- Caregiving — doing what is best for other people’s health and wellbeing
- Power — desire for higher rank and privilege
Anyone can have these motivations to greater or lesser degrees. In most people, the social motivations balance each other out. For example, the power motivation makes people want to achieve and be leaders, so it isn’t necessarily bad. Usually, the attachment and caregiving motivations keep it in check. Most people are willing to go after what they want, but don’t want to harm other people in the process.
Psychopaths are different
Psychopaths feel the attachment motivation — they want to be with other people. They certainly want sex. And they really want power.
They do not, however, experience the caregiving motivation. Psychopaths are really only interested in themselves, and have no concern at all about the welfare of others. (If they seem to be displaying concern, it’s only because they have an ulterior motive.)
Read more: Key symptoms of psychopaths
The bottom line, then, is that psychopaths have a really strong power motivation, and no caregiving motivation to but the brakes on it. So what they really want in life is power and control.
Yes, they want sex, but they want power and control more. Psychopaths aren’t necessarily sex-crazed fiends. Many either engage in sex or withhold it in order to increase their power and control.
Do NOT react
Psychopaths love being puppet masters — making other people react feeds their desire for power and control.
That’s why No Contact is so important. No Contact changes the dynamic. It takes you out of the psychopath’s feedback loop, because they can’t get their power-and-control fix.
If No Contact is not possible, or not possible yet, the next best strategy is DO NOT react. When psychopaths try to provoke you, do not respond emotionally — at least in front of them. Even if you have to temporarily be the world’s greatest actress or actor, do not let them know that they’ve upset you.
If you can keep this up, hopefully the psychopath will get bored and lose interest in you. When you don’t react, you’re no fun anymore.
The idea is to cut the puppet master strings, so that you can achieve your freedom.
Lovefraud originally posted this story on May 9, 2016.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Our relationship had three distinct phases
If you do hear back from him you could say: ‘I have changed my mind. I don’t care if you miss the dogs. I do not want any contact with you ever.’
Cheers 🙂
Thanks Bev! Very good advice xx
As a trainee neurologist I can tell you that their brain is different- their grey matter density and amygdala are different from us. So in a sense its a genetic predisposition and we cant blame them. We can only blame ourselves for not being wise and observant to recognise them and fall under their spell.
Change yourself, dont take on their emotional and financial problems, you should benefit from relationship, not detriment!
Hi shenik, I understand their brains are wired differently and that maybe they can’t help themselves, but sometimes very intelligent, wise people who are having fragile times get hooked under their spell. As for myself I was in a low point and didn’t see what was happening to me! Unless people are educated on these people it’s hard not to get sucked in. As a neurologist you will also understand the chemical reactions that happen in a victims brain to keep them hooked if they don’t get out quick enough.
Shenik, I would highly recommend that you educate yourself on exactly what sociopaths do to their victims to destroy every aspect of their victims lives purposely & intentionally. Most if not all victims end up crawling out of the sociopaths hellish life that they thrusted their victims into.
You state:
“…Change yourself, dont take on their emotional and financial problems, you should benefit from relationship, not detriment!”
ABSOLUTELY NOT….you IMMEDIATELY follow the NO CONTACT RULE and get this mentally crazy evil person out of your life for EVER!!!!
This is the ONLY option to have a normal, peaceful & calm life again.
With a sociopath in your life you only get “detriment” (meaning loss) in your life!
And by the way the Sociopath knows EXACTLY what they are doing by using manipulation, brain washing, mind control, gas lighting, reward & punishment technique, installing fear & phobia’s into their victims mind, serial cheating, pathological lying, abusing their victims every way!! THEY KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG AND KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING IS NOT NORMAL ETHICAL AND MORAL BEHAVIOR!! But they chose to continue their evil behavior for the pure joy of it. They are like a cat playing with a mouse.
How do I know this because most sociopaths that walk this planet are not killers or criminals but blending into society.
I wonder about you & your post as your word chose is a RED FLAG.
You specifically use the word “detriment” meaning “loss”. IF you stay in any kind of relationship with a sociopath you end up losing everything, your sanity, your home, your job, your friends etc all because the sociopath will manipulate you and break your spirit down.
You should not have to “change” when you are with other healthy minded people…you will just want to grow as a human being. HUGE DIFFERENCE!!
Lesson learned:
NEVER LET A SOCIOPATH INTO YOUR LIFE EVER…..AND IF THEY WORM THEIR WAY TO YOUR LIFE FOLLOW THE NO CONTACT RULE IMMEDIATELY!!!
I don’t like this post at all.
We should have NO CONTACT with these disordered people. We should not try and ‘understand’ them. We should avoid them.
It may not be their ‘fault’ that they are born this way, but there is no changing it. No amount of love or support can change them.
Shenik,
As a new student to psychopath and trying to make sense of the last 17 years of my life, I am open to my part in this “game”. I agree with you that it is their nature to want to abuse, dupe, play, use others, etc… I also agree with you that we should protect ourselves from these predators. However, through my own observations, mainly in the context of my divorce, I have come to the conclusion that these types know exactly what they are doing. They fully understand right from wrong. And when they choose to do the wrong thing they know it. They have weighed their decisions and their prey and it is a calculated choice. I could list many examples of how my spath pushes the court to its outer limits and only when the gavel is about to fall does the tactic change. And change it does, to continue the game. My spath has defied the court, played it, and only when he knows the court’s patience is nearing it’s end does he comply, kind of. He lives to play another day. I am convinced that what I thought was behavior which he couldn’t control is fully within his control. He is culpable.
“Blame” isn’t a word that I like to use when discussing what happens to people who have been targeted by sociopaths. “Blame” assumes that someone made a bad choice, which assumes that you know what you’re choosing.
Sociopaths hook us through deception and manipulation. That’s not the same as making an informed choice.
“The Puppeteer,” Poem I wrote 10 years ago.
The Puppeteer
You want to pull the strings.
Pull the strings to make me smile.
If I smile and it’s not you pulling my strings,
you’ll cut off the smile string and make me cry instead.
You want to pull the strings to make me sexy.
If I’m sexy and you haven’t pulled the sexy string,
You’ll pull yourself away from me,
or push me away from you,
until the time you decide it’s time to pull the string to make me sexy,
when you want me to lie there and please you, do whatever you command, on demand.
You want to pull the strings to make me happy.
If I’m happy and you haven’t pulled my happy string,
you’ll do your best to be sure that my happiness falls flat on its face, and that I begin to cry.
You’re the ultimate kill-joy to MY happiness, unless it’s YOUR happiness you want, making me dance on a string.
You think you have the answers, Mister Puppeteer.
Well guess what?
I’ve cut the strings.
Now instead of holding a warm friend who loved you,
(that’s until she figured out who you really were — merely a puppeteer)
All you are holding
are a couple of dry sticks.
And I am dancing free.
Synergy – terrific poem! Thank you so much for sharing
Thank you, Donna! Glad you like my poem.
Spaths are puppet masters, indeed. They find a way to get us hooked on them. Then, once we are, they usually have us right where they want us. With my 2nd ex gf, she had me hooked with constant sex, and various other forms of manipulation.
As time went on, however, I began to start questioning things. Whenever I would, she’d find a way to turn around and either turn it back on me or toss the questioning aside entirely.
Looking back on it, I wonder how I missed the signs that I dismissed at the time. Spaths, when they get bored and move on (Well, those that do), always leave us bewildered and confused. Or is that just me? lol
Hi Jericho534, well, it’s not just you — here’s one more anyway, who has experienced the same as you. Each and everything you say, is me, too, except my ex was a man and I am a woman. We had amazing, great sex for 11 years, and that was so hard to give up! It was what kept me there. He got meaner and grouchier as time went on. He is the kind of person, too, who tries to destroy people’s closely held value systems. I even saw him try to do that with a four year old boy! The boy, a sweet little neighbor of mine who used to come over and songs with me and my piano, enthusiastically, “I am four!” to which the ex reacted with “Really, no ____boy’s name _________ is it all that important how old you are?” I asked the boy if he was uncomfortable with the man, and he did what kids do — not say, Yes directly, but shuffle around and say “….sort of…..” and I told the ex to lay off. I saw him pulling the hair of his young nephews — hard — and he even grabbed me by my hair one time and dragged me on the hard-packed summer ground.
Guys like your ex make my job harder. It makes it beyond hard to get a woman to want to be in a serious relationship. I am truly sorry for what you went through 🙁 I hate people who abuse others……
How right you are, Jerecho534. I’m super leery of men now, except by some miracle I met a man 4 years ago at match dot com, who treats me really well. We NEVER, EVER fight — verbally or any other way, never call each other names, never yell at each other, and are both respectful of the other. WE have tons of mutual interests and activities together. When we disagree, we talk briefly then agree to disagree. He is not always comfortable in disagreeing, but he does not get really upset, and soon gets over it. He’s the only close man, even those in my immediate family of origin, who has ever been so good to me. I’ve finally learned, too, that nobody is perfect, not him either. But we can and have worked out some stuff. For example, he would get road rage when someone cut him off on the road. He would honk back real loud. I complained once or twice, and he just kept justifying it. Then I said, “You know what? You are endangering ME, not just yourself. If you want to do road rage when you are alone in the car, I can’t do anything about that. But when I am in the car, you gotta not do it. Plus, you could get yourself shot!” He continued to be irritated at me, saying people needed to know that they had done somethign wrong. But you know what? He has not done road rage again my strong talk. He does not like to back down in any type of discussion, but very often (when we disagree, which is not often anyway) he will hold onto his position in the discussion, but the matter ends righti there, and he changes his behavior. He’s a slow mover, and it took him 3 years one time, but he did it. I do want to add, though, that I had a teacher who was good to me, in a way no other teacher had been. When I was 28, I met the first competent piano teacher I’d ever had. I had played piano since I was 8 and never got where I wanted to be with it. He was so kind to me (and all his students, some of which came 1000 miles to have a lesson!) that he completely changed my life. He taught me how to see what was right in playing the piano, instead of focusing on errors or mistakes that I would make. I told him “You have changed my life!” and he said that his wonderful piano teacher when he was an adult, changed his life, so he could do it for others. He also told his students,”anyone who learns this way has an obligation to teach others.” I took him at his word, and later taught piano. I had learned so much from him that my teaching inspired several hundred students over the 20 years I taught. Occasionally, one would say, in amazement: “This works IN LIFE, too!”
Sorry for the way late response. It sounds like you’ve got a good one. And before I gave up on love for good, I tried match dot com last year for a few months. I got no responses, but I guess you can call it a learning experience?
The problem is that there are genuinely good people out there, it’s just hard to find them in a world of spaths.
Hi Jericho, that’s odd that you got absolutely no responses. I contacted a few men, and I think a few contacted me, but I’m not sure. Did you try contacting some people at match dot com? I suppose you did? Have you looked over some suggested “formats” or sample scripts that might help get some responses? Some of the men I met were very nice people, but were not interested in seeing me again. Some were creepy, from my personal perspective, and I sensed mutual dislike! And be sure you meet in a pleasant public place with plenty of people around. Sometimes I met at a nearby coffee house. One time I invited a guy (the one I’m with now!) to meet at a very populark, large rose garden, with plenty of people walking around. Any popular park would be nice, at least for me, because I love nature and would expect any partner of mine to love nature, too.
Another great post. I’ve been keeping no contact for a couple of years. I work with the SP and most people I work with think highly of the SP, which makes it harder because I know the truth about who he really is. The other day, he found out that I would be traveling for work, called me and told me I was being shady for not telling him. Remember we are at work so it’s not like I can just walk away or hang up. It really upset me that he talks to me like we are in each other’s lives but he doesn’t not act like it. He recently realized I blocked him on my phone and he has been emailing me and telling me to unblock him, which I haven’t and won’t.
My therapist thinks I should consider a restraining order or talk to my boss about having less contact with him at work. I feel like that is harsh and unprofessional–I prefer to keep my personal and professional life separate. I hate that he tries to control me even when I am at work and doing my best to minimize contact but I don’t know how to prevent it. And while I am aware of this and trying to move on, it keeps me stuck in a way.
What are your experiences or thoughts on telling an SP s/he is an SP? Do they care? Do they feel outed and then retaliate? Is it enough that you know? Any other tips for those of us who work with an SP?
Steps – it is really difficult when you work with a sociopath. In all honesty, if you ever have a chance to change jobs, you should. In the meantime, maintain no contact as best you can, as you are doing. And keep everything business only. Do not tell him anything about your personal life. If he questions you about travel as he did, you can say something to the effect of, “The assignment doesn’t involve you.”
I would not recommend a restraining order, and you may not want to report him to HR, unless he really becomes threatening. Taking those steps is like waving a red flag in front of a bull. Then everything turns into a battle. Ignoring him is usually the best bet – and looking for another job.
Thank you, Donna. I try to keep it professional–I have done everything I know how to do…. it can be difficult to “keep your head up.” Some days are easier than others and it can be draining even though I am not in it nearly as much as I used to be.
Your site has helped me a lot. I feel supported and reminded that I am not crazy. SPs are very destructive and as much as you don’t want to see them for what they are, your site has helped me to see that only when I accept it fully, I can be healthy and move on.
Thank you for all that you do.
The “shall I tell him and would he care” Question has been plaguing me recently as my SP has his wife watching me and I want to tell her she’s still being used 10 years after our affair!!
They have separated recently but she still wants him and tries to irritate me on a regular basis.
I believe if I told him he would respect my opinion as he has a deeper obsession with me ( he punishes) me regularily) but I can’t prove it. So, that said maybe ignorance actually is blissful??? â¤ï¸
I understand. I guess we have to remind ourselves that it doesn’t matter if s/he cares. I thought that if I said to him that I know he’s a sociopath he would step back a bit–he would be exposed and stop abusing me ( I consider his actions at this point to be abusive). I have a feeling it would incite him along the lines of what Donna said above.
It’s very frustrating to be “controlled” by someone when all you want is to be free and move on…