I am a person with a very strong sense of responsibility. If I make a commitment to do something, I honor my commitment. Generally, being responsible is considered a positive quality. But it is the quality that made me stay with my psychopathic ex-husband far longer than I should have.
I knew he was taking money from me. I knew he was lying to me (although I vastly underestimated the extent of his deception). I didn’t love him anymore. So why did I stay? I had married him, and to me, marriage was a commitment.
I’ve written before about how psychopaths find our weaknesses and exploit them. The scary truth is that they also exploit our strengths.
Nurturing qualities
It takes a special person to work in human services fields such as nursing, teaching, social work and counseling. People who choose these professions are usually empathetic, nurturing and supportive. Again, these are generally viewed as positive qualities. Psychopaths use them against us.
Dr. Robert Hare writes in his book, Without Conscience:
Psychopaths have an uncanny ability to spot and use “nurturant” women—that is, those who have a powerful need to help or mother others. Many such women are in the helping professions—nursing, social work, counseling—and tend to look for the goodness in others while overlooking or minimizing their faults. “He’s got his problems, but I can help him,” or, “He had such a rough time as a kid, all he needs is someone to hug him.” These women will usually take a lot of abuse in their belief that they can help; they are ripe for being left emotionally, physically and financially drained.
Exploiting competence
Psychopaths can exploit any type of competence or expertise. In his book, The Psychopathic Mind, Dr. J. Reid Meloy describes a process that he calls “malignant pseudoidentification.” He says mental health and legal professionals are particularly vulnerable to it.
Here’s an example of what happens: A psychopath is dealing with a lawyer. The lawyer has healthy self-esteem; he believes he is intelligent and competent. The psychopath compliments the lawyer’s intelligence and competence. The psychopath also subtly imitates the lawyer’s mannerisms, and, after engaging in some personal conversation, discovers that he and the lawyer have shared interests! Imagine that! The lawyer’s self-esteem is further enhanced, and he begins to identify with, and feel bonded to, the psychopath.
I can relate to this phenomenon as well. My ex-husband was always complimentary about my work. He kept telling me what an asset I’d be to his entrepreneurial ambitions (even though they were unrealistic). I was pleased that he recognized my talents. I fell for it.
Awareness is the key
It’s bad enough that our vulnerabilities can cause us problems with psychopaths. But so can our strengths? How do we protect ourselves?
The key is awareness. Awareness that psychopaths exist. Awareness of their ploys and tricks. Awareness that when our instincts are telling us something is wrong, we should listen.
Then we can use our strengths to help us heal our vulnerabilities, without becoming a victim.
dear babs. and attagirl.
thank you so much for your responces. and i am sorry for your encounters too. . the sociopath dropped the charges for harassment. sent a letter to the court. i think he knew he couldn’t win. meanwhile i had to go to court anyway for the judge to dismiss…. and i’m out 2500 to the lawyer. and the 6,000 he owes me. …. my lawyer told me we can go after him for “abuse of process” some tort. and we would win . but then even if i get a judgment . i might never collect. so i am contemplating what to do. since i don’t want to regret not standing up for myself. and letting him get away with what he did. …… dr. says best thing is to let it go because as long as i have the anger . i am not going to move forward. i agree. but then there is the justice end of it……. so i’m giving it some thought i don’t have to make a decision today. . it means alot to me to have all of you who understand what the manipuation feels like. and thank you so much……..for your support…………
Everything I’ve read sounds so familiar. After 5 years, I discovered that he was cheating. Right now, I’m not up to discussing the entire relationship. But, like all other postings, he started out so sweet and made me feel like no other man ever had before. But, things started to disappear from my house, except every time they did, there were other friends who could’ve been blamed, and those were the people I did blame. Like the others on this site, he and I looked at houses together, talked about a future together. He introduced me as his wife and called my daughter his daughter. Gradually, he started changing, and I asked him repeatedly if he had met someone else, but he denied it. He finally “broke up” with me because he was tired of hearing me accuse him of something he wasn’t doing. He still claimed he loved me, and I believed him. Until I found a message SHE posted on the internet, calling him her boyfriend. Her userid was a deviation of his, which I created, and it had been created two years before I found the blog. And he had the nerve to get mad at me for “checking on him on the internet.” Now, I’m preparing paperwork to take him to court to recover costs for damages he’s done to my house. The ony thing I can rely on is that he never divorced his wife and they aren’t legally separated. Living in a community property state, her wages are fair game. He may have devastated me emotionally, but he will not devastate me financially. Even an uncollectible judgment will afford me some small slice of justice. And it allows me to take back my control. And it renews my faith in myself, in my intelligence, in my inner strength. And, regardless of his sociopathy, it teaches him that when a woman says “don’t mess with me because I will succeed” that she may just mean it. I must admit, though, that this hurts like hell. It’s a pain that sometimes brings me to my knees. And what hurts the most is that he’s acting like I’ve done him some terrible injustice. A sociopath depends on women like us — faithful, caring, loyal, dependable. For me, it hurts so badly to hear him say the things he has. I guess sociopaths don’t understand that when they hurt someone, when they betray someone, when they devastate someone emotionally and financially, they should know that they have also just destroyed the loyalty, faithfulness, and devotion they’ve come to take for granted. Wouldn’t you agree?
I think one of lowest points in my whole life was when I had to make the decision to pursue justice or just let it go. My ex submitted a document to the court during my divorce proceedings that was so slanderous and full of lies. It is a long story, but I did not see the document until after the trial and never had the chance to refute it. Also, my ex convinced me to file our taxes jointly the first year after our divorce because we would get a bigger return. Foolishly I did this and then he kept and spent the entire return himself. This was thousands of dollars lost to me. When these things happened, I wanted justice. I wanted the document removed from the court and I wanted my half of the return. I filed the necessary paperwork, and on the day of court, my ex, his lawyer, my lawyer and I all had to meet. Basically, my ex came in with a list of receipts for how he spent the money. He felt he spent it in a way that benefited my children (this was with no consent from me) so that he shouldn’t have to pay me back. He also said the document he submitted to the court was true and he would not agree to have it removed from the court file. To pursue the matter would have required additional court dates. My lawyer, knowing my financial situation which was not good, encouraged me to come to an agreement with my ex. She suggested that I would spend more money pursuing the matter than the tax return was worth. She also suggested that we agree to have the slanderous document “sealed” so that noone could look at it without the court’s ok. On that day, I struggled. I really wanted to pursue justice, but I felt really pressured to end it. My lawyer was also of the mind that we needed to put all this bad stuff behind us and start rebuilding our relationship for the sake of our children. She urged me to be the bigger person and reach an agreement. I listened to her and signed the agreement. That night after I put my kids to bed, I cried so hard I thought I was going to have a breakdown. I felt so devastated and crushed. My ex had lied, stolen my money, and then I agreed to drop it all in court. I had no one else to blame but myself. It was such an unbelievable low in my life. I cannot even begin to describe how hopeless I felt at that time. The crazy thing is, the next day my ex had visitation with the children. When he came to pick them up, he was all chipper and happy. He had a large Dunkin Donut’s coffee..”Just the way I liked it” he said. He also bought me a muffin in a bag. I took the hot coffee and threw it on the driveway. I was so angry! His response was a look of oh well are the kids ready? Looking back now, I wish I hadn’t agreed to drop it. I should have pursued it because peace of mind is worth those dollars. Also, in my case, we ended up in a custody battle. The GAL had access to that document and I am sure that cast doubt on my character. Also, I think that whole process empowered my ex. He had lied and stolen and got a way with it. It was easy! He felt he could get away with anything. For a while he was right, it wasn’t until I finally said, enough is enough. When I started to pursue things to the end and he realized that there could possibly be a consequence that his behavior improved a little bit. I would say, if you can at all manage the finances of pursuing justice, then I would go for it. You may help his future victims.
I didn’t state that last part clearly. The day after our court appearance, my ex brought me a coffee and said, “It’s just the way you like it”. When he tried to hand it to me that’s when I threw it on the driveway. This was an action I regretted because later in court, he said I threw a hot coffee at him. Craziness for sure!
“Nurturing qualities
It takes a special person to work in human services fields such as nursing, teaching, social work and counseling. People who choose these professions are usually empathetic, nurturing and supportive. Again, these are generally viewed as positive qualities. Psychopaths use them against us.
Dr. Robert Hare writes in his book, Without Conscience:
Psychopaths have an uncanny ability to spot and use “nurturant” women—that is, those who have a powerful need to help or mother others. Many such women are in the helping professions—nursing, social work, counseling—and tend to look for the goodness in others while overlooking or minimizing their faults. “He’s got his problems, but I can help him,” or, “He had such a rough time as a kid, all he needs is someone to hug him.” These women will usually take a lot of abuse in their belief that they can help; they are ripe for being left emotionally, physically and financially drained.”
This quote certainly applies in my situation. I was TARGETED BECAUSE he knew I’d be the first to lend a hand to someone who I saw suffering and who just needed a break to be a better person and who I believed really, really wanted that. I was working in a helping profession at the time he came along and I now know that I was not only targeted but, mirrored too. He told he also had a degree in social work and it was three years in before I found out just about everything he’d said about himself was a total fabrication. THAT is how good he is. He had even gone and looked up certain theory to discuss with me saying “You know I really had a hard time when I had to meld all those theories together at once, I mean Jung and Horney and everyone else meshed together at once. It was challenging”
He then proceeded to discuss this with me and there was really only one or two tiny things that sounded “off” about his claim….this is a man who only went to the eighth grade as I later found out!!!
But the targeting of those they know they can play on precisely for the good qualities you possess is so damaging. It makes it VERY hard to reconcile later on who to help in life, when or for a long time even IF you should any longer. There is so much anger tied up with all of this once you see what really happened to you and that it was done on purpose.
It doesn’t make it any easier to be financially devastated WHILE you are trying to heal emotionally. The cunning and targeting that goes on puts me so in mind of a shark with absolutely no feelings, just hunting and feeding and moving on.
hi all . pockeybana …. fran…. my story was above.
this is the hardest thing to get over. if i could just turn off the dvd in my head that keeps replaying the whole relationship . “that was a lie.. ” was that a lie.” the lovemaking yuk. its creepy. its awful but i am glad i am out of it…i know its the best . but i think it will haunt me for a while.
the day before the court hearing for the harassment charges he wrote a letter to the court asking to drop the charges . he knew he couldn’t win since the first family court judge. did not issue a restraining order.so the charges were dismissed but still i have an arrest record. so the last 2 weeks i was comtemplating if i should take him to court for the money he owes me and for filing false harassment charges. i said to my self like pockeybanana and fran. i have to do this . to stick up form myself. so i went to my lawyer yesterday he says we have a case and we are proceeding with a claim… i was not financially devastated like some on here with hundreds of thousands of dollars. thank god and it will cost me a little more money to pursue it. but . i feel i would regret not going for it….. i may not win. but it will show i stuck up for myself. and it will make his life right now a little more misreable. right now he thinks he is home free… NOT. LOL……….. AFTER THIS HOPEFULLY I CAN MOVE ON AND DO THE THINGS I WANT OUT OF LIFE. EVERYTHING HAD REVOLVED AROUND HIM FOR 7 YEARS . I AM A LITTLE LOST AS TO WHAT IT IS OUT OF LIFE THAT I WANT. ONE DAY AT A TIME. thanks for listening
Yes, they do use our nurturing qualities against us.
They twist them in a way that makes us prime enablers.
And when you finally become aware, sociopaths accuse you of doing all the things that they have done to you (while you were UNAWARE).
To onlookers, you look mean, hateful, selfish and prideful. This is how they socially rape you, and disable you publicly.
This is where the ax must drop right smack between the lines.
Hi nightmare,
Your comment hit home about the “creepy” lovemaking. I mean we gave ourselves to these parasites while they were plotting, scheming and planning their next move. All the while, we thought they were being genuine, sincere and loving. It still creeps me out.
I took you into my heart,
My home
Shared my child,
Even gave you your own
These gifts you took
With occasional gesture
To keep me hooked
While you enjoyed your leisure
I gave my faith
My trust and forgiveness
Only to be exploited and used
By your sickness
Have I not paid enough
For your mistakes
The torture I endure
So you can reclaim erroneous stakes
Our child cried
While you slept through the night
Never cherishing mornings
Until claiming a right
You feel entitled
To that which was and is not yours
Didn’t work, earn or sacrifice
Effortlessly watching others own the chores
Weakness is your plight
While you leverage the strengths of others
To empower yourself
As means to have your druthers
To not hate
Is my challenge
While I resist the bait
And protect from revenge
For twisted perceptions
Designed to avoid
Accountability for actions
And the consequential void
Now I know what a sociopath is
Can’t change my mistake
But can fight to save my kids
And limit your take
Do us a favor
And go far away
Climb into a hole
And save those you may
Fran, I have to say… OH MY GOODNESS!!
During all this insanity, he would get my favorite eggplant parm, get my coffee how I liked it when we were together, help me clean my car etc.
I was like awe, he’s really trying.
BULL it was all a con… just like everything else in our relationship… all the nice things he did for me… con con con
He will con this new crazy woman into marrying him, having his baby for him, etc… and who knows what else… and then cheat on her most likely and who knows what else…
Ha they know eachother for three months and they are trying to move in together when there first date was at the psych ward, their second date in a tent at a park, and their third date at the motel.
(Though I can’t judge this is how he lured me in too.)
It’s a patterns I think when he is done with one… he goes back to the psych ward to pick up his next victim.