Several readers of Lovefraud have mentioned medical problems that arose in their lives with psychopaths. These readers are convinced that the psychological stress and pain of these relationships translated themselves into physical ailments. Some of these symptoms disappeared when the psychopath disappeared, some didn’t. Here are a few recent comments:
When I parted from him, physically I felt so raw and sore, I looked like I had been in a boxing ring. My health was poor and I couldnt even have the osteopath touch me, I said I felt like I had been stabbed all over. All though he never laid a finger on me, he gave me plenty of mental and emotional abuse.
I have a feeling its 2 years of being TIRED and worn to a pulp emotionally by his wordy games.
sleep loss is another big thing ive experienced since this s path during and after i still have trouble sometimes sleeping, like my mind will not shut off. and during being with the s apth i was trying to work out what the hell was going on and trying to work things ou in my head stopped me from sleeping well. which makes your head even more clouded.
Talking about physical consequences of being around bad stuff for seven years in my case, I don’t know if this applies but there is one thing that makes me think is the fact that my blood pressure got so much better. I used to have high blood pressure during the last four years with him. Since I left him for almost six months I don’t even need to take medication and I’m sleeping so much better these days.
Anytime we are trying to fix someone else, we are off track. I just work on me now. If I see someone other than me that needs work”¦ I feel TIRED. No can do!
Dr. Steve: I would so much appreciate a forthcoming post about physical consequences or PTSD of an association with a Sociopath. Nearly 5 months hence, and past the “why” and figuring out the “puzzle” (identifying him as a sociopath and doing intensive investigation/research as to who he really is and what he has done), there is still a lot of emotional pain
Have you noticed anything similar? How do you understand/make sense of this ‘translation’? Have you managed to deal with such an ailment or overcome it? How exactly
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In future posts I will write more on the interaction between experience, the mind, and the body. I will present some ideas of how/why it is that a interpersonal situation can have bad effects not only on one’s mind but on one’s body. Also, I will introduce some exciting research on what you can do to help repair the damage psychological distress mave have contributed to your body.
I too have been looking at this site for quite awhile. My ex.psycho. letf me after seven years and then after only one year of being married! I had lost thirty five pounds and was down to 88 pounds! I looked like an old, washed up rag-hag woman. I was always sick! Allergies, colds, plurasy, terrible migrains…just constantly sick! Plus I looked horrible!
He tried to get me to sell my house that has a hair salon next to it (that’s how I make my living). When it wasn’t a big money maker–he tried and tried to get me to sell it…he even caused hardships with my neighbors to try to get me to leave (although they were always antisemites!) After knowing I would not sell…my house with my business…big fight! He screamed at me and said how I should “work for someone else, like he did (he’s a carpenter/project manager and once owned his own framing company with his first wife and had ended up with major tax leins ) after all “I had to give up my business and work for someone else!” Oh, did I mention he built this little salon for me to make my living? So anyway, since my credit was so good I had mortgage people calling me to refinance my house–and since we were now married, I thought it right to put his name on my house to show my commitment to him. This nice mortgage specialist lady took his vitals (social security number and info.) and called me back to tell me her boss would not let his name on my mortgage because he had these tax leins…I told her I knew of the tax leins and married him in spite of them (I lived with him for all those years prior–dealt with his child support, bad credit..etc.) and thought that since the state was attatching his pay check that it looked like he wasn’t reniging on his part that it would be fine. She then explained that, “NO MY BOSS WILL NOT PUT HIS NAME ON YOUR MORTGAGE ELLEN! tHEY JUST WILL NOT DO IT!” I then asked her if she would explain this to my ex.? He got on the phone and told her that “if I can’t get my name on her house, how about I get forty thousand dollars to put a new kitchen and bathroom upstairs–but you put in my hand from the bank forty thousand dollars and then you take that money that you hand me, and PUT IT ONTO THE END OF HER HOUSE PAYMENT!” Wow. That lady on the other end of the phone after I got back on, I have no idea what I said but I only remember that I had told her- he had left me twice in two months, even got his own apartment and still kept coming back to me on the guise of “working it out” WITHIN TWO HOURS LATER (after first EVER anal sex -WHICH WAS DEVOID OF ANY LOVE only cruelty) HE LEFT ME. Good fucking riddence! But boy was I sickly! I was on all kinds of medicine and I haven’t been on any since! IT WAS TRUELY LIKE I WAS A METH ADDICT! I mean, I was on all kinds of sinus, allergy medications! I would walk the streets at three a.m. with my dog because I was so “sick.” He also did smoke pot and get himself an amp. and guitar (on my credit card) and found some guy to “jam” with…I went to this guys house to listen to his music…and I was shocked to see how different and high his eyes looked! (Then these men from customes came to my salon and asked all kinds of questions ! This was one month before he left me….So what I am trying to get at here is, I DID show my good customers/friends our wedding pictures from a year before he left and they all mostly said that his eyes were blank and devoid of emotion and any happiness! Like it was long gone way before we were married! But ALL these people were saying they were shocked too, because he showed such devotion towards me–calling me throughout the day and appoligizing about our fight (which I still don’t know what the hell we were fighting about! But he would appoligize saying how he was sorry–then come home and it would be like a jekyle and Hyde –who knew what it was–he’d change or be whatever I wanted so he could get my credit and money–giving me $200- per week and by the end of the week , twenty dollars here and ten dollars there–it would be all gone by the end of the week….was he the psychopath–the worst of the worst kind or was it the pot or what–or was It my fault trying to get my business going or –shoot, he did this same thing to his first wife! Now he’s with a women who wears long skirts (which he said to me how he hated!) and she is very fat and waddles due to a back injury (she’s got a disability suit case going as i write this!) She is also a book keeper type/CPA and helped him get out of his exorbitant tax leins and even helping him get his credit back by buying a car with him…she has alot more property than me–so I think he’ll stay–she seems to think he wouldn’t ever do what he did to me, to her…he just fell out of love! (Four hours before he left, he told me how much he loved me and he was so sorry for everything) Whatever! WILL I EVER GET OVER THIS MONSTER–WHAT HE DID? It’s been almost four years now! Ellen
Dr Steve,
Thanks for your reply. I find this blog incredibly helpful and informative. Can you or anyone recommend some online councillors/therapists?
Swallow
Dr. Steve or SOMEONE, please someone help me! I feel so frustrated right now. My ex s left me a little over a year ago for a younger woman that we both knew although things seemed near perfect with us up to that point. He had been seeing her for 3 weeks. I was devastated and felt I had lost the love of my life and my best friend. After he left, his friends came forward to tell me that he had had numerous sexual encounters with other women nearly throughout our entire marriage, and that he had always been this way in any relationship he had ever had. I was blown away! I could understand that he met and fell in love with another woman and decided that the grass might be greener on the other side, but I could not understand how a man could have sex with all these different women and then come home, treat me like a princess, tell me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me “from the bottom of his heart” and want sex from me every day in spite of what he was doing.
Once he left, he made himself nearly invisible. Making contact with him was impossible! I filed for a divorce immediately and was forced to communicate the details of the divorce…when and where he needed to go to sign the papers, etc. through his girlfriend’s myspace page. The girlfriend and I developed a relationship of sorts and communicated regularly. Since I’m old enough to be her mother, I felt inclined to tell her the things that I was learning about him along the way. I honestly felt sorry for her. She believes that she is the love of his life and that he is “changing” for her.
The breakup of our marriage had eaten at me in a way that no other breakup ever had. I’ve been married twice prior and experience being cheated on, beaten by an abusive alcoholic, etc. and recovered from all that a healthy person; however, this breakup seemed so bizarre and much different. Intuition usually tells us when something is going on…I had no clue. I was left suddenly and in a total state of shock.
I finally sought the help of a professional counselor. I knew I had to be honest with him in order to get to the bottom of what happened. I just really couldn’t decide if I was a jilted lover or a victim. I knew I felt more like a victim. I told my counselor my story. One of a “perfect” storybook love story as well as things I saw about my ex as being problemmatic, i.e. his overwhelming constant need for sex and attention from me and his extreme insecurities. I also expressed my concerns about his having two children that he had never really tried to communicate with. One being 16 and the other 12. My counselor didn’t hesitate to tell me that he felt my ex was a sociopath as well as a sex addict. He assured me that I had done everything right–I worked to hold my marriage together, showed my husband respect and tried to help him grow as a person. He was very immature, had no credit, was a total pothead and claimed that he wanted me to help him gain the respect of others. I cleaned him up by buying him new clothes, decent vehicles to drive, and taught him about class issues. He was a musician and played in a band. I supported his desire to do this and often bragged about his talent.
I’ve read that sociopaths seek out nurturing people who are in specific helpful fields. I have worked for a nonprofit organization for over 25 years that addresses social justice issues. So, his lack of success in life I perceived as his being the victim of misfortunate circumstances and the lack of opportunity. I am also a very nurturing person. My ex came to me at a time when my only child had just left home for the first time and I, indeed, was suffering from “empty nest” syndrome. I treated him like a baby by petting him to death and dotting on him. The girlfriend is a medical assistant.
I had red flags during our marriage. He made inappropriate comments to a young girl that worked at a McDonald’s near our house and the girl was terrified of him–I found out and confronted him. He said he was just playing around with her. I had to remove him from the property of my work place for making inappropriate comments by telling one of my co-workers that he thought she was sexy and asking her if she’d like to “smoke one” with him. Very embarassing. I was in total charge of the organization at that time. This incidence nearly caused a sexual harassment lawsuit. He convinced me that he really didn’t mean it like it sounded. He also called his brother’s wife up whom he had had an encounter or two with prior to our marriage and his brother’s to her, and told her that he was going to sneek over there when his brother was at work and have his way with her. When I confronted him, he said that he was only reminiscing with her and that she was only trying to cause problems. I believe every word he said.
I’ve become obsessed with convincing the girlfriend who has helped him buy a doublewide that is now situated on his mother’s scrub farm that she needs to beware of him. I guess he’s convincing her that I “want him back”. I’m trying to protect this girl from the emotional and financial rape that I suffered. She says that she knows he did horrible evil things when he was married to me and that he has problems but believes that he is changing for her. She says even if they break up that she’ll still be there as his friend because she wants to help him and support him with his problem. My exchanges with her got really nasty today out of pure frustration on my part. He’s told her horrible lies about our marriage and she believes him. I know the healthiest thing for me to do is just to stop trying to warn her. I honestly think the girl believes that I am a nutcase. If she only knew….she’d understand that I’m far from the nutcase. Please advise me. I know I need to cut off all contact with her and I guess let her learn the hard way but it’s like I’m screaming to warn her!
My problem is that I’ve become obsessed with trying to save the girlfriend. She just won’t listen. He is telling her all the things that he told me about wanting to change for the better. She believes that he is changing for her. I CANNOT override his lies! He claims that things were bad between us and that he never wanted to marry me or felt comfortable in my house. That’s his case. She doesn’t understand that he felt comfortable enough to bring crack whores to my house and he and one of his band members had sex with her in my bed at the same time while I was away on a business trip. She doesn’t understand that he would cry and tell me how he couldn’t live without me right up until he decided that he wanted to leave. He even shifted the blame by telling me that the reason he was leaving is that he “needed me to love him” although he knew I loved him with everything in me and that his leaving was killing me. I know I really should cut off all communication wtih her. I have to stop as it is very upsettting to me. I am fine for long periods of time but once I communicate with her and get frustrated in trying to convince her of the kind of man he is, I start to slip backwards. I just want to move on.
Tami – your instincts tell you as you said “you really should cut off all communication with her”. Just as your instincts told you many things about your Sociopath. Try to learn from your first experience and apply it to your second. Listen to the inner you that is trying to save you. Y
ou are probably not the one she will ever listen to because you are the ex. So she will have preconceived ideas about your take on things. Its a nice thought to help her, you have planted the seeds of thought for her to begin nurturing when she herself stumbles into many of the same things with him you did. She will get there.
Further, you are extending your own problems from having lived a life with him, to now dragging it longer into trying to intervene for her. My opinion is to just let it go. Know in your own mind the truths of your experiences and know that she too, will have to come to that realization. If she were the type to hear you and run… she would by now. Clearly and sadly she needs to go thru the process a little more, that we all did.
As for health related issues to life with a Sociopath… throughout my 2 years, ever time we would be going through a stage of his cheating/lying/deceptive actions, I would feel like my whole chest was twisted into a knot. I began having chest pains regularily in December and after an EKG and stress test, they tell me I had a small heart attach recently. I am only 44, never smoked, healthy weight, very healthy diet, I exercise, and it does not run in my family. Wednesday I meet with the cardiologist as they cannot seem to attribute it to a physical problem. I really believe it is from extreme stress. Is it possible to create for yourself a heart attack from the pressure on you day in and day out? I’m going to ask on Wednesday but he has walked away calm as a cucumber…and I am left to sweep up the pieces of my mental and emotional state.
Just tell her, “When things get weird, you might want to do some research about Sociopaths.” Then go on with your life.
When you said, “I CANNOT override his lies.” Oh my Gosh! Isn’t that the TRUTH!!! It’s the classic mind-f— and one of the most upsetting, unsettling, unnerving elements of the Sociopathic dynamic… at least I think so.
I’ve just read through the lists of ailments and physical manifestations that so many people are having. It’s strange but I remember having body sensations very early on in my relationship with the Bad Man that were telling me something wasn’t right. The first indication I felt was when he gave me flowers. It seemed very empty and I noticed it.
Now he is long gone but the physical feelings are still there. The most dramatic thing that has happened was that I fainted once, long after leaving the Bad Man, when I realized I was being manipulated by someone in a conversation. I realized that I was being manipulated, 1 minute later I had a BIG anxiety attack and next, I woke up on the ground with a goose egg on the side of my head from hitting the tile. That was when I realized how bad things were with the Bad Man, even though he was gone.
I have anxiety attacks which I can always link back to whatever it was I was thinking about right before it happened. And, I have strange coughing/choking fits and innopportune moments. I hate when this happens! It’s really weird and it causes a scene and I feel so embarrassed. It is also connected to my thoughts.
I have finally set up an appointment to speak to a counselor next week. I felt stupid saying that amongst my other problems, I am also a victim of a Sociopath. I was afraid it would sound like I was being dramatic and I just want attention but it turned out okay. I accept that the Bad Man really was a Sociopath and I am not a drama queen for saying so. I think my fear of someone saying that was really what the Bad Man would have said to me. He said things like that when I felt like I needed help with everything he was putting me through. Just another way to “isolate the victim”… make them wrong for seeking help.
Before my call today, my only therapy was LoveFraud and other reading but I know I have to have help with this. I’ve learned a lot but I still need help. I don’t have good thoughts about men. I feel afraid all the time. I’m not shaking in my boots but I am always on guard. And my detectors of disordered behavior are on high alert all the time.
I found some low cost counseling. I have been avoiding this for so long because I wanted to get all my bills paid off and my life cleaned up… like I wanted to wait to get help when I didn’t need it as much as I do now. I am giving that up right now.
Anyone want to join me?
swallow – I can’t recommend any particular email counselling or virtual therapy service as the one’s know of arw local, attached to universities, etc. Hopefully another reader can help.
I did a Google search and noticed a few criteria for you to consider when deciding if this is for you:
-accredited counsellors?
-confidentiality policy?
-time for reply to your emails (I noticed anything from 3-10 days)?
-is telephone contact offered?
-cost?
Good luck.
Not ALL the illness caused from the stress of being with a sociopath is psychosomatic!
Many of our victims develop severe autoimmune problems like fibromyalgia or neuropathy.
These are real illnesses – not all in the head.
Oh, I believe there is definite physical consequence. When the N/P/S whatever the heck you want to call him returned to my life in summer 2006 I was already having a trying time with elderly ill parents and a 17 year old wayward daughter. I had walking pneumonia and a mom just diagnosed with Alzheimers who went in for hip surgery a normal 80 year old woman and came out stark raving mad for a time.
Nevertheless, my overall health and vigor were pretty great, and I hadn’t seen HIM for five years or more.
In the next year and a half I started having night terrors, anxiety attacks, total depletion of strength, nervous ticks and food binges. I gained a lot of weight and had zero energy.
He’s been officially gone since November, but only one or two physical contacts from August 2007 (when I bolted) to November. I’m still drained. Still having nightmares, but not terrors, thank God. Still feel like life is surreal and nobody can be trusted (but that has a lot to do with his continued abuse by proxy and gaslighting via message board). Some weekends all I want to do is sleep.
Recovery takes time. I’ve met what I think is a nice guy but one can never be too sure, and my self-confidence is so flagging that we’ll probably never get anything off the ground together. He wonders why I don’t call him…He wonders why I’m so skittish and always second-guessing myself. He wonders why one eye is always over my shoulder. And I wonder if I can ever tell him or anyone else exactly what happened — because to this day, I have no real idea why the P came back, built castles in the air, emotionally abused me and made life surreal. I just think he did it because he could.
This isn’t the end of me, though. I’m far stronger than that, and being around him made me see the difference between me – real – and him – fake. So I feel strong in my own reality and ability to love. Just need to get healthy and put more distance in between my life and that awful year.
Once we realize we each hold the power to walk away, to take no more ever again, every day things get a little better!!
Hugs to all of you. This blog is amazing and so therapeutic.
Oh, yeah…I also started to lose a lot of hair when he was around, mostly in the front near my bangs…the stylist couldn’t figure out why.
I so relate to alohatraveler’s anxiety attacks and sudden realization. So many nights I spent crying and even having these huge clouds of doom descend upon me from nowhere. At the time I attributed them to feeling sad about my parents ill health and old age…but they miraculously disappeared when the P did!
Still, I feel shaky some days – hands shaky, mind shaky, and heart definitely always shaky. HolyWaterSalt’s description of being a meth addict? That suited me. To this day my hands are twitchy like an alcoholic, though I seldom even have a beer anymore.
Thinking back to what a strong, vibrant, in charge woman I was before he returned – completely self-sufficient and at peace – I still can’t understand how he did what he did — but I don’t care. The thing I care about is “why did I LET him?” That answer will provide the means never to let any other Bad Man (I love that!) near me again.