Several readers of Lovefraud have mentioned medical problems that arose in their lives with psychopaths. These readers are convinced that the psychological stress and pain of these relationships translated themselves into physical ailments. Some of these symptoms disappeared when the psychopath disappeared, some didn’t. Here are a few recent comments:
When I parted from him, physically I felt so raw and sore, I looked like I had been in a boxing ring. My health was poor and I couldnt even have the osteopath touch me, I said I felt like I had been stabbed all over. All though he never laid a finger on me, he gave me plenty of mental and emotional abuse.
I have a feeling its 2 years of being TIRED and worn to a pulp emotionally by his wordy games.
sleep loss is another big thing ive experienced since this s path during and after i still have trouble sometimes sleeping, like my mind will not shut off. and during being with the s apth i was trying to work out what the hell was going on and trying to work things ou in my head stopped me from sleeping well. which makes your head even more clouded.
Talking about physical consequences of being around bad stuff for seven years in my case, I don’t know if this applies but there is one thing that makes me think is the fact that my blood pressure got so much better. I used to have high blood pressure during the last four years with him. Since I left him for almost six months I don’t even need to take medication and I’m sleeping so much better these days.
Anytime we are trying to fix someone else, we are off track. I just work on me now. If I see someone other than me that needs work”¦ I feel TIRED. No can do!
Dr. Steve: I would so much appreciate a forthcoming post about physical consequences or PTSD of an association with a Sociopath. Nearly 5 months hence, and past the “why” and figuring out the “puzzle” (identifying him as a sociopath and doing intensive investigation/research as to who he really is and what he has done), there is still a lot of emotional pain
Have you noticed anything similar? How do you understand/make sense of this ‘translation’? Have you managed to deal with such an ailment or overcome it? How exactly
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In future posts I will write more on the interaction between experience, the mind, and the body. I will present some ideas of how/why it is that a interpersonal situation can have bad effects not only on one’s mind but on one’s body. Also, I will introduce some exciting research on what you can do to help repair the damage psychological distress mave have contributed to your body.
Everytime I start to doubt whether my ex is indeed a s, I get new evidence that he is. He cried over EVERYTHING! At first, I thought he was the most sensitive man I have ever ment. Yes, he cried over movies that didn’t bring a tear to my eye. And, SONGS, oh how he cried over songs! After awhile, his blubbering drove me nuts! I think it was his was of getting attention. He was actually very dramatic about EVERYTHING! He is a musician and I once told him that he should have been an actor.
well i can relate big time, oops i did it again; have been feeling terrible lonely this week so stupid me i called the ex s path we are supossed to be friends and thats it so we dont contact very often. anyway the phone call went ok just chatting generally, then i asked him if he was seeing anyone, and would he like to catch up at somepoint. he told me he wasnt seeing anyone. and he wouldlike to catch up when he wasnt busy. well this semed to go ok and he was being very amicable. anyway today i sent him a message saying was he doing anything and if not would he like to get together 2 day. i have been going out of my brain with lonliness and i know that is why i wanted to see him but just as a friend just for company that is all. anyway he sent a message back saying: i cant catch up, its my friends birthday and we are having lunch at ……… so i sent a message back saying thats fine talk later. then he sends a msg saying we ll get together another time. well he always says friends, without mentioning names wether its a female friend or not who knows i know most of his male friends names so it seemed strange . this led me to think it is some girl he is screwing or trying to impress somehow as he said to me the night before im not seeing anyone. it seemed strange also that he named the place they were going to its not far from me i could have just gone there and seen who he was with. very strange and a bit risky telling me where he was going, all this confusion with just a few words in a msg. well after a while this got my blood boiling and i was like if your sleeping around just be man enough to say im seeing someone, or im taking a girl out to lunch. but no all this mystery has to be there instead. we always said if we were involved with someone we would tell each other. now he thinks if hes sleeping with someone thats not actually seeing them its just sex and they ae just friends as he puts it. . anywa y i felt verydown today thinking he has lied to me again and why oh why did i ask him to get together i felt worse for doing it. if he didnt want to see me or if hes involved with someone why did he answer the phone when i rang to begin with . he actually didnt answer it straight away it went to msg bank then he called me back instantly. so he could have just easily not talked to me at all. its like he knows just how to cause worry and curiosity in me that eats away in my mind. i was talking to my mother and when i told her she just said just forgett about him why do you worry. and i thought you just dont get what they do to us no one does. only the people on these pages. i know the lonliness is making things worse for me at the moment. he is so smug . why dont bad things ever happen to them, i think half the reason i stay in contact is just to hopefully see him fall on his face and fail and feel some sort of hurt. but i never see it. i cant warn the girls he plays cause he is sooo secretive. also where he was going to day is the same place where the last girl who jilted him lives so he probably was hopeing to bump into her with the other girl. that is how his sick mind works. why cant we just see revenge i think it would help recovery a lot. so i have had a pretty dark weekend i feel like i am becoming a mean person which is not who i am but i want him to feel hurt or pain in some way. since we broke up i have even lied to him on occasion just to play him at this own game for a little bit of satisfaction and it felt good i must say. anyway just trying to get on with things i really want to meet someone nice to help take my mind off him. i also have night mares very realistic ones where i am bashing him up i am not a violent person and i am small but i am really bashing him i feel the anger it is very real i even hear the cracking smacking noise when i hit him on the head and on the face and he isnt fighting back just standing with a stupid look on his face. i think i dream this because i feel so helpless towards him in real life like i am defenceless. i really want to screw himover so bad right now, like do something to con fuse him totally like he does to my mind. the other girl he last was trying to be with, she rejected him and has gotten pregnant to another man. i think this actually really hurt him and now he seems more decieving than ever towards me as well like hes acting out against me as well because she is with another guy and having a baby. its like hes out to get everyone who has hurt him but i never really hurt him, he left me. anyway would love some support tonight feel all alone in the world right now, so please anyone write some coments to my rambling it does give me some comfort where not much else does. thanks for listening.
Jules…
NO CONTACT IS THE BEST WAY TO GO..THIS PERSON IS NOT YOUR FRIEND
Whatever you offer them they will take it and hit it with you the face…forget the BAD MAN…
You will realise you are lonelier with HIM than without him!
I’ve had a lot of the symptoms that have been mentioned, but the ones that worry me the most right now are memory loss, not being able to retain things and I guess what I would call confusion. I need to get a job and or go to school. I am scared because I can’t retain what I read and sometimes when I’m writing here I can’t remember how to spell words that I used to have no problem with. How am I going to hold a job? One day when my soon to be ex husband was playing games, I called my brother and told him what was going on. Then later that same day he stopped by and I started to tell him what happened and he said I told him on the phone. I had to think about it for probably 10 minutes before I got a glimpse of memory of telling him earlier that day. That was scary.
Jules,
I’m still in need of a lot of help myself, so I don’t feel that comfortable giving advice. But I am sure how important no contact is. You are “lucky” in the sense you do not have a child with this guy. You can choose to stop talking to him and work on healing. It won’t stop the loneliness or pain at first, but in time, when you heal, it will. If you keep in contact with him you will always have loneliness and pain. Try looking at calling him as you would hitting somebody over the head with a crowbar. It’s something you just wouldn’t do because it’s wrong and it would hurt someone. If you call him you’re hitting yourself over the head. I know it’s not easy to do, but necessary to save yourself. I need my ex to fall off the face of the earth, but I have to keep some contact with him because of my son. My ex (I have to come up with something like the bad man too. I can’t stand calling him “my” anything.) has reminded me that we’ll always have a connection and some contact as long as we’re alive.
I have to go. I hope that helps a little.
I was you a year ago, my friends didnt understand but yet they had his number that he was only using me…they do understand that part so listen to them when they tell you to forget him…he is not worth another minute of you time
Sometime I feel that even reading the boards is dedicating more time to him than I want, I have my relapses where I think he does not have NPD , then I read other stories on here and I feel like I relate to the feeling so well
You need make yourself heal, I dont know what it takes for you,.mayb eyou need to HURT really really badly before you realise that fire actually burns and leaves scars …
As you soak in your misery and worries over him, canyou imageine what the heck in going on out there, people having fun, try the nearest coffee house, drink some coffe get a book get involved in activites…doing all these things is hard at first but it was a boderline person who made me get involved in so many activities I never dreamt I was capable of…his madness calssified me as BORING and I beleived it enought to go out there and have so much fun, even though no one I know will ever use that word to describe me…see they still get in your head
Its in your power to STOP him;..its emotional and you guard the gates to your emotions, so you can attempt to expel him or allow him in with your phonecalls…if you le tit go, the love will become ashes..
If you need to read somethintg and you are feeling down, try the stories on the board at:
http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org/index.php
You SHOULD try dedicating all that energy to YOURSELF …you dont need him to feel good
Someone on that board also mentions that in order to heal you need to examine yourself, the traits that draw you to him and address those or else you will be a mess.
I will never give 5 years to another N..I will do all in my power to escape or waste another second on that person…I have hoped enough and loved too much not to see any improvement year after year..I will not do it anymore ..
I question the kind of love that leaves one downtrodden and LONELY…its was some kind of infatuation incited by a mad person..
Lick your wonds and start with baby steps…you just have to get out there and do your own thing and forget him..if it means moving away to another town, please do so..I tried it before it worked for the first year, till he moved to where I am..now he live out of the country and I am relieved not to have the excuse to ever call him again..
Given the chance to go backwars, I will have avaoided that town completely and wish I never met him
God is trying to teach you a lesson and you are refusing to learn it…
Jules:
No contact is best. Always remember, any type of communication is based on a lie, and is only to fulfill some purpose for him…He has no interest in your best interest, this has already been proven. Every time he answers that phone he is looking for your weakness that day, and how to exploit it for his pleasure.
Loneliness is hard for anyone, even for people that did not have a sociopath to contend with. The old saying “learn to love yourself” goes here, and here is another saying I like “Fake it till you make it.” It is time to take up a craft, exercise, go to the beach, hike a mountain, shovel some snow, (whatever your environment provides)But learn to be with yourself. Learn that what you like, and that what you want, is perfect. Other peoples opinions about your interest are invalid in comparison to what makes you happy. They don’t have to live with you. You have to live with you. Little steps, one day at a time, just like replacing an addiction.
Also, this is not a criticism of your post at all, you did precisely what this site is set out to do, give a shoulder, lend an ear. And now you are reaping that benefit…I just wanted to say, when it came to my interaction with my closest friends, I had to stop talking to friends in great detail about him, I was analyzing him…I had to rebuild some of those friendships, find our common interests again, because to my friends, it was like watching me self destruct. Call your old friends, make plans for lunch, dinner etc. That will help alleviate some of that loneliness.
I totally agree with all these replies to Jules. Honestly Jules, we know how you feel but you have GOT to switch off somehow and never speak to him again. Sod ‘friends’. Would you be friends with anyone else who treated you like that?
It’s also revealing that you say you want to warn other people but they won’t believe you – you want to save other women from him, but you’re not going to be very convincing to them while you are involved with him yourself! Were you to warn them, they’d look and think you were just trying to keep him to yourself!
(NB I’m only saying this because I’ve been in the exact same position – of wanting to warn others shortly before getting involved with him anew because he promised me the world).
Be strong and STAY AWAY! Nothing good will come of being involved with him and you know this! You’re not on your own – you can do it.
Oh Jules!! I know exactly how you feel. I too have many nights of feeling alone. I do the same thing–obsess over EVER little thing. Thinking, if he didnt want to talk why did he pick up the phone, why did he call me back, he picked up on the first ring, he picked up on the second, he hit the ignore button and on and on. This does not matter. All it does is keep us STUCK! We analyze them when we should be focusing now on OURSELVES!! It is so hard, believe me I know. I struggle on a daily basis and the only part thus far (3 weeks) I have succeeded is no contact. But the contact is all in my mind, heart, body. It hasn’t gone away, it keeps me sick. They have created an addiction in us. I have all the symptoms of physical, mental and emotional trama. I try everyday to do my best to deal with my current status of healing. I read others who are so helpful and it gets me by a couple minutes more. Healing from anything takes time and we have to try and keep our head above water. TRY as hard as you can not to contact him or take any of his calls!!! (I still secretly wait for his) BUT it will do us no good. Everyone says it and we know it. It is a fantasy world in our head and it is not a promising one. I wish we all lived closer and could get together a night out support group. Any time you want to call him -call a friend, your mother, anyone BUT HIM. Keep close contact to the site….it does help.
Yes, warning new victims doesn’t work, the S will be sure to bring to the new womans attention how much YOU want him. When I tried, I only created a new day of drama for myself…If the victims come to you, by all means, spill your guts…but NEVER NEVER be the initiator. If the new victim knows somethings not right, they will seek you out for the answers that they need now. They will be much more receptive now that they are questioning themselves..which is truly a sad commentary on the effect the S has. A much greater effect will be had when you are detached. Hit the key points “Liar, not monogamous, asks for money and things, lives off of people, bad to his children, and because of his mental illness you were left with no closure” And the latest victim will expect no closure – which will help them prepare for the break. I found it hard to reveal HOW I was taken advantage of – mostly, because after so long, I could see it coming, and made conscious choices to try one more time….in the end, i cried a lot about how hope was my down-fall with him. Recognizing my own weaknesses helped build the strength I needed.
I need to remind myself often that I AM better off
without this person in my life and this blog helps in that regard as well as daily calls to my family and friends
I am thankful to this person for several things
-He made me realize my Capacity to love
-He made me appreciate all the little things my friends and family do for me
-He helped me connect at a deeper emotional level with some friends and my mother
– He thought me who my friends are and who I can depend on in my time of need
-And most important he thought me to set up boundaries and to begin loving myself enough not to let others take precedence above me..because how else can you love if you cannot love yourself.
-And knowing that some people lack empathy, I am glad I have it although I have to learn to translate some it to sympathy
I also know that even if he is not as sick as I think, he made me feel worthless enough to question my own mind and intuition and therefore I need to learn to trust my intuition a lot more because God gave it to me for a very very good reason. There is a time for everything and instead of letting God take the wheel , I wanted to control the vehicle of life by myself no matter how many warning and signs I was given along the way. I pray constantly that the lesson has sunk in finally and I hope you will get there one day and very very soon..I still struggle, but I have to keep going and believe in the power of prayer”call a prayer line if he cant handle it , they will help you pray