Several readers of Lovefraud have mentioned medical problems that arose in their lives with psychopaths. These readers are convinced that the psychological stress and pain of these relationships translated themselves into physical ailments. Some of these symptoms disappeared when the psychopath disappeared, some didn’t. Here are a few recent comments:
When I parted from him, physically I felt so raw and sore, I looked like I had been in a boxing ring. My health was poor and I couldnt even have the osteopath touch me, I said I felt like I had been stabbed all over. All though he never laid a finger on me, he gave me plenty of mental and emotional abuse.
I have a feeling its 2 years of being TIRED and worn to a pulp emotionally by his wordy games.
sleep loss is another big thing ive experienced since this s path during and after i still have trouble sometimes sleeping, like my mind will not shut off. and during being with the s apth i was trying to work out what the hell was going on and trying to work things ou in my head stopped me from sleeping well. which makes your head even more clouded.
Talking about physical consequences of being around bad stuff for seven years in my case, I don’t know if this applies but there is one thing that makes me think is the fact that my blood pressure got so much better. I used to have high blood pressure during the last four years with him. Since I left him for almost six months I don’t even need to take medication and I’m sleeping so much better these days.
Anytime we are trying to fix someone else, we are off track. I just work on me now. If I see someone other than me that needs work”¦ I feel TIRED. No can do!
Dr. Steve: I would so much appreciate a forthcoming post about physical consequences or PTSD of an association with a Sociopath. Nearly 5 months hence, and past the “why” and figuring out the “puzzle” (identifying him as a sociopath and doing intensive investigation/research as to who he really is and what he has done), there is still a lot of emotional pain
Have you noticed anything similar? How do you understand/make sense of this ‘translation’? Have you managed to deal with such an ailment or overcome it? How exactly
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In future posts I will write more on the interaction between experience, the mind, and the body. I will present some ideas of how/why it is that a interpersonal situation can have bad effects not only on one’s mind but on one’s body. Also, I will introduce some exciting research on what you can do to help repair the damage psychological distress mave have contributed to your body.
righteouswoman,
I loved the quote “Always remember, any type of communication is based on a lie, and is only to fulfill some purpose for him.” too. But, “He is no better than a telemarketer..trying to convince me to buy something I don’t want.” made me smile. It’s going to help the next time he leaves a vm (I refuse to talk to him on the phone) or tm me. He’s like a used car salesman and I can see right through him.
Feeling empowered is so important for me right now. Thanks.
Yes Jules, I relate to your comments here as well. I still periodically check up on my ex. I had no closure, and he kept most of what he did secret, and even at the end he chose to let me in on what he was doing, and then he did a runner and refused to speak to me ever and sent round a family member to tell me that if I contacted him again he would have me done for harrassment – THE CHEEK OF IT.
I have a morbid interest to know what he is doing and I think that is natural given the circumstances of someone who is so secretive. Also my ex has a new one and of course I am curious about her. But I just know that in the end it really doesnt matter, because I know he just wont be able to lead a normal relationship, he wil manipulate and sabotage it, and who knows this time, his current partner might have a big burly brother who will knock his block off. I feel mad too at times, feel like I have been robbed. In comparison to what some people on this site have suffered, my short relationship was miniscule in comparison.
I suspected alot of stuff about my exN, but despite checking on him, I couldnt find out anything, so like you, I can only imagine what he may have been up to. sometimes, I am pleased to not know Jules.
I can so identify with Swallow on most (if not ALL symptoms) once I went NC.
Its been 1 year and 3 months of NC – and I’m Soooooooo much better. Just today I had a MAJOR breakthrough…and I finally have hope and excitement about the future (That I’m alive and back in te land of the Living)
It wasn’t easy – Places like this and others experiences helped immensley.
But TIME..and working it through in my mind..Over and Over with the passing of time, brought NEW awareness to the R/Ship and everything that transpired.
I surely didnt ASK for this experience, and would NOT want to go through any thing like it again… But I’m sooo glad I’m coming out.
My heart goes out to my friends that I have met, who still struggle. We’ll make it…. Keep on going on !!!
BetterOff
hello….i have read blog after blog and feel comfort knowing that i am not alone….after doing alot of soul searching and research i have come to realize that i have fallen for the socipathic men several times….this last time was a doozie….i had a son with him and boy has my life changed…there is never a day that can go by that is peaceful/happy….W always seems to manage to enter our lives when ever he feels like it, damage it peice by peice – word by word – rage by rage – control by control etc…it is almost as if i am going crazy…as a matter of fact that is what he calls me, his x-wife and all of his x-girlfriends….to make matters worse, i work with him ….talk about a glutten for punishment….(it is daily sadness/on your toes/un-orgainzed/craziness/ raging/ disrespect and unsafe conditions) i worked for him for 8 years and then broke it off with him while i was pregnant because he could/would not stay out of the strip clubs and had another girlfriend so i ended up quitting – had already has his new girlfriend working there without my knowledge….after 3 years went by he asked me to come back to help his distroyed business -because of that stripper & her friends he was involed with ruined him….i came back to save/help him…stupid me….it is funny how the sociopath makes you feel mad at him for one secound and then he makes you feel sorry for him the next….so here i am miserable coming to work everyday knowing that i am wrong…but do it so i can keep tabs on what he is doing to desperatetly try to protect my 5 year old son and of course for the money….it sounds nuts and it makes me crazy but somehow through it all i feel a sence of comfort….as sick as that sounds….it is the truth….i have recently gotten to know his x-wife very well ….we both have shared stories and lived life with this very toxic man….we are inseperatable now and have this strange bond from the aftermath of W….in my opinon we both are still being controlled one way or another…..he comes into our homes-walks right in-even invites others (like the new girlfriend & kids) to walk right in without permission, grabs a drink, rumages through paperwork when you are in the other room, checks the phones / personal belongings and is constantly looking around and questioning…..it is like a life sentence for the both of us….we both have sons with him and that it extremely hard to stay away from him….my question is for all HOW DO YOU LIVE A NORMAL LIFE WHEN YOU HAVE A CHILD WITH A SOCIOPATH? does anyone have any suggestions, ideas, helpful hints? he puts myself in danger as well as my son in danger, lets him and another two 6 & 7 year children walk to the local park alone, takes him on boats w/no life jacket, talks on his cell 24/7 ignoring my son and what is around him, picks him up every other weekend to torchure me -picks him up late, drops him off late-whatever is convient for him of course-changes days with no notice, his taste in new woman have been strippers which is one after another-he even brings them around my son and has “sleep overs”, he lets my son sleep in the bed w/both of them, rages over the phone, allows my son in the internet you tube, watches bad movies in front of him – man show….it is endless and exhausting….how can one woman work, maintain the house, take care of a child alone (and make up for his unablity as a parent) and a have a personal life???? i have not dated in over a year for fear that i might attract yet another sociopath…..i too like most on here have cronic pain in my neck, gained a massive amount of weight, stay at home alot, have depression and tons of anixiety….i guess these are the side effects of being around a sociopath???
-desperate to have a normal happy life again D
I was married for many years to a sociopath. I started having migraines that made me vomit. They became more frequent as time went on. Since separating from him in 2005, I have only had one and it was associated with having to deal with him through the legal system.
For all of you who are dealing with something like this, I want to tell you that I am now very strong and healthy. You can be, too. I go to the gym and work out. I look better and I feel better. I attribute a lot of this to the fact that I have cut the sociopath out of my life as much as I possibly can. I still have to deal with him a little because of remaining legal issues and because we had children together, but I minimize contact and keep conversations short. I do not think about him or wish that things could have been different or think that I should have tried something else.
During our marriage I tried everything I could think of and read lots of advice books and kept thinking that I just hadn’t found the right way to deal with him and that maybe there was something wrong with me. Now I realize that there was NO WAY to deal with him except by cutting off contact with him.
So, if you are dealing with a sociopath, my advice is 1) cut this person out of your life as much as you possibly can. 2) Don’t waste any more time thinking about him. (I think It’s ok to mourn for the lost part of your life. I think if you don’t do this, you are in denial. Just don’t wallow in it forever. Admit both the good things and the bad things, but realize that it can never be the way you imagined it would. It can never be normal or healthy to stay with him. Then move on.) 3) Forgive yourself for being “stupid” enough to fall for him. You aren’t stupid. You are most likely naive and innocent and not the type of person who could imagine someone behaving as manipulatively and sadistically as your sociopath did. 4) Take responsibility for your own future. Don’t let any aspect of it depend on him or revolve around him. Take control of your own life. Don’t wait for him or anyone else to “rescue” you. Don’t think he will ever “see the light” or apologize or anything like that. He is not capable of it unless it is just a ploy to suck you back into his life. If he apologizes, he does not mean it. He will say whatever he has to to get what he wants. 5) Exercise and eat properly. 6) Reconnect with your family and friends. Make new friends. Surround yourself with good people who care about you and are not trying to use you. 7) Know that you deserve to have a good and happy life. You didn’t deserve to be mistreated by the sociopath or trapped in a relationship with him. 8) Know that things can get better, physically and emotionally, and that you can stop feeling so miserable. I firmly believe that this WILL happen if you do all the things on this list.
I just want to say that I am so happy in my life right now. I have a great job. I have great friends, both old and new. My family was not too supportive during the separation, (because they didn’t understand) but things are good with them now. My children, who the sociopath alienated from me, are beginning to realize the truth. (and not because I badmouth him. They are seeing it on their own.)
They say the best revenge is living well. That may be true. But the best part of living well is not the revenge – I’m far past that. The best part of living well is that it feels so good!
You’re all in my prayers. I wish you all much happiness and a great future.
thank you so much nottakingitanymore (btw – i love that title you have ) i do know that i DO NOT want to ever be with him or have things the way they used to be EVER between us…so that is the first step….he still has alot of anger towards me for leaving him and quiting the job-every time he breaks up with his girlfriends just who do you think he runs to for help….well not anymore since i told him NO not ever…i wish he would stop taking my child because day by day i see a liitle mini W…how do you stop that or control that from happening…it is comforting to know that your children see what is really going on…i am sure that it was a battle for you….my son is really confused about who is right /wrong…who all the woman are….who is good person/bad person….but i have noticed at the mear age of 5 he is picking up on dad’s bad behaviors and learning from me that he is wrong….it seems like years worth of exhausting days….i am trying to pull myself up and out of depression and hopefully i will one day soon…i also understand why friends/family where not there because the same thing happened to me when i had to battle him in mediation…(the x wife had to do the same-year after year)….there seems to be no end to the wrath of a sociopath…you are right about staying away and having very few conversations BUT how do you do that when he takes your son away for the weekend? every other weekend the week before i am sick to my stomach, the anixety hits and i am a wreck thinking what is going to happen to my poor child this time….if he is mad at me-he wont let me talk to my son-he is very vendictive and will get even with me….my poor child comes home exhausted from lack of sleep, lack of food, lack of nutrition and water….his clothes are small and he looks like a rag a muffin…..his father lives in a million dollar house and lets his son walk around like a hobo….it is very fustrating…have you ever taken your children to therapy because of dad? i guess day by day i will try to get stronger and come up with a plan to change my life….thanks again for your response 🙂
I’ve been in therapy since October 2007 when I discovered the lies and betrayals from my ex, a true sociopath. In fact, his betrayal hit so low, it actually made me feel suicidal, although, thankfully, I never attempted to take my own life. I was able to focus on my 10-year-old daughter, who lost her father in April 2006, so I knew I could never hurt her by hurting myself.
Sorry to digress…
Anyway, in therapy, some “interesting” things have come to life that have made me aware of why I have accepted certain things from men. My father, an alcoholic and gambler, left when I was a young girl but always promised to come right back. In fact, he made repeated “promises” that never came true. Some of you may be able to relate to this thinking — don’t air dirty laundry in public. Well, that was my mother’s mantra. She kept facts from us because she wanted my sister and me to always love my father and she thought if we knew the truth, we wouldn’t love him anymore. Then, as an adult, it finally dawned on me that my favorite aunt had been repeatedly beaten by my uncle. Again, back then, domestic violence was not well known and it was kept hidden.
So, my therapist has helped me to understand that keeping secrets is normal to me. Therefore, when my ex kept his own little secrets, although it annoyed me and I THOUGHT something was wrong, it FELT totally NORMAL to me. And, his constant threats of breaking up with me would trigger my fears of abandonment, which turned me into a needy, clingy bitch.
How did this affect me physically? I gained and lost weight; I had temper tantrums; my PMS became extreme; I felt like I was slowly losing my mind. I suffered from insomnia, which made me late to work. My irritable bowel syndrome was reactivated, and I developed acid reflux. At one point, I developed shingles.
But, my therapist has helped me to see that it wasn’t only my ex who played on my childhood baggage. Even at work, I felt the need to “please,” to make people happy. That led me to take on more work than I really could handle, which only increased my stess levels. And I worked for a Scientologist, who, when he discovered that I was in therapy, ended up finding a reason to terminate my employment in January.
I am thankful for my therapy, and despite no longer having insurance, I am continuing the therapy to the best of my ability. But, I wonder if anyone else has that “need to please” “disorder” (for lack of a better word) that might make them vulnerable to people? Because of my fear of abandonment, I have never developed internal boundaries or had the strength to walk away when I felt someone had crossed a particular line. I am trying to develop those boundaries and working on my own internal confidence that recognizes that someone who does cross such lines is not someone I need in my life. Not easy.
My sociopath insisted that I tell my son to respect him. Despite not picking him up on time or at all. Not bringing his son to his own birthday parties where 20 children are waiting and not answering the phone to tell me what is going on. Never getting him a Christmas present, and birthday presents ONLY happened when trying to get on MY good side. And these are some highlights…The story of parental neglect abandonment and abuse would be too much for what I want to convey with this. Needless to say, this man did few and far between good things with only the purpose to gain my favor, seduce me, or manipulate a situation to his benefit.
Excuse me. But this person, who happens to be my sons father, has a serious character flaw. DNA is no excuse for poor behavior. It is just not. Do I want to send my son out into the world to be victimized by a lover, a boss, a friend? NO. If I had a daughter, it would be the same answer, NO. Our children learn how to treat the people they meet in the world, and themselves AT HOME.
I loved my mother dearly, and she didn’t recognize what was going on in its entirety. But I was set up to accept the behavior that ended up plaguing my life for years. Are we going to perpetuate this brutal reality that happened to us onto our children? I see a theme in a lot of the posts lately. Alchoholic, verbally abusive, narcissistic father, door-mat for a mother(my mother even self proclaimed herself a door-mat, but the eventual divorce only changed the way she was abused). I wasn’t going to let that happen to my son. How is that fair to them? Isn’t their happiness and self esteem most important? I am sorry, but the thought of my child being treated like I was, brings tears to my eyes…. Parental alienation just doesn’t apply to these situations when character building, and being able to identify people with flawed characters appropriately. Set boundaries. Enforce them…The sociopath disappears…problem solved for all of you (with children).
I am sorry if I am off topic, but I was getting something out of the previous blogs I just had to address.
Have a good night…
Righteous woman,
I agree with you. I can also so relate to Tami and what the previous writer said. Swallow, I also had depression and severe panic attacks, although after his death I had no depression or any panick attacks. In fact everyone who has known me for the past 10 years say that I haven’t looked better in all this time. I haven’t again felt as tired as I did when he was alive. People who know me say they can’t believe I’m the same person. So don’t loose hope. There is a wonderful life without a psycho/narcissist.
righteous woman,
I am struggling with this right now. My mother was a door mat and my father was an alcoholic and verbally abusive. That’s where I learned to tolerate my ex’s behavior. Let me tell you of one story that I am still trying to forgive myself for. When my son was around 6 or so (he’s 14 now) the three of us were getting in the car in the Home Depot parking lot. My son was on the driver’s side with Bad Dad and all of a sudden he got in and was pulling out and my son was still standing there. He left a 6 yr old in the middle of a busy parking lot not knowing if his parents were coming back. As he’s pulling away and I realized my son wasn’t in the car, I started panicking and saying what are you doing?! Go back! Go back! Go back! I didn’t know if he was going to. Apparently my son didn’t want to get in so he thought he’d teach him a lesson. (He did it in a fit of rage.) He said I can see him he’s fine and he drove around and picked him up. When I asked what he was thinking and how could he do that – he could have been hit by a car or God knows what, he said he was never in any danger and he got mad at me for being outraged by it. I made it OK in my head by telling myself he made a mistake because of all the abuse he suffered as a child and was sorry and ashamed. I swore to myself and to him if he ever did anything like that again I’d do what I had to do to protect my son. It never happened again and he said he was sorry and it was wrong. (He usually just blew him off or bought him things to keep him quiet. He rarely had quality interactions with him.) My son would bring it up to him once in awhile for yrs and when he would, Bad Dad would get agitated with the I’m going to kill somebody look and I would step in and tell my son Dad’s sorry for what he did and he knows it was wrong and he never did it again. I assumed Bad Dad was ashamed and embarrassed and that’s what his reaction was. lol I didn’t realize until he was leaving and I found everything out, that I had been protecting him the same way my mother protected my father.
I know when I watch Bad Dad seduce my son the same way he did me and then turn around and lie to him or blow him off for visits, it drives me nuts because I can’t stop it. I know he hasn’t done the kinds of things some of you talk about to him or even what my father did to me, but the mind games-abuse is abuse.
My ex doesn’t follow the visitation agreement and I haven’t said anything and have made arrangements with him because my son wants to see him. But here we are again waiting to see if he shows up this time because he never confirmed the dates and hasn’t talked to my son in almost a week. It’s all a game and my son is a pawn.
I feel like I’m still teaching my son to tolerate mistreatment, but I’ve been warned he might perceive me as not letting him see his father if I insist on the visitation agreement being followed because we know his father will not follow the rules. He never had any intention of following them. Maybe I’m just making to much out of it. I don’t know. I just want to teach my son what no one taught me.