When I was a med student, I studied animal models for human stress and depression. The best animal model of what a psychopath does to others is that of the rodent resident-intruder paradigm. In this model, males are introduced into the home territory of other males, they experience social defeat and are removed before they are injured. Repeated exposure to this situation produces a defeated animal who is chronically submissive and gives up without a fight whenever he encounters other males. Below is the posture of a defeated mouse.
The physiology of this defeated rodent resembles human depression very closely. The defeat state can be reversed with antidepressants. Defeat is associated with elevated stress hormones, immune dysfunction and learned helplessness.
I think it is important to know that the potential to develop the defeat mentality exists within us. In humans this mentality takes on a more sophisticated form. When defeated many people become enveloped by what I call “the victim identity.”
Identity or self concept means how you think about yourself and how you think others perceive you. Identity and self concept always includes some component of how dominant or socially potent we consider ourselves to be. Social status is another related part of the self concept.
An encounter with a sociopath/psychopath often leaves a person defeated in every sphere of life. The status, reputation, career, finances that took a lifetime to build vanish. The victim is left in limbo, not knowing how to put the pieces together.
It is in this limbo that the victim identity develops. A person who used to be financially well off and productive having lost everything now adjusts to that loss by defining him/herself as “victim”. This victim identity is further supported by the constant pain and anxiety the person feels. Why do I hurt? Why have I lost? Why am I defeated? I experience all these things because I am a victim.
The minute I say, “I am a victim.” That word victim becomes part of my self definition. There is a certain comfort in the victim identity. It helps a person explain and cope with their external reality and internal symptoms.
The danger in the victim identity is that it will come to be the totality of a person’s self-definition. Once this happens, the victim stops living, and is like the defeated mouse, assuming the posture at every challenge.
I challenge you today to consider the place your identity as a victim has in terms of your total self-definition. Is the trauma the first thing you think of when you think of yourself? Are you being fair to yourself when you identify with your victim status? Perhaps you have a good deal more living to do than your victim identity will allow?
It is important to be whole. That means the part of you who is/was a victim gets integrated with the other parts. “Victim” has to become just a piece of the puzzle that is you.
I confess that I am aware of my victim identity most in the company I choose to keep. I feel most comfortable relating to other people who understand psychopaths and what they do. If that also describes you realize that is a sign of victim identity. It is important to acknowledge these tendencies and balance them by having friends who are not victims or family members of psychopaths/sociopaths.
It is especially important to spend time with functional families/couples who love and care for each other.
Try never to take pride in your status as a victim or use it as an excuse for dysfunction. If you experience symptoms of PTSD, that is a challenge to overcome not a curse you are condemned to live with.
Ask yourself today if you really want to be like that poor defeated mouse.
For another opinion and further discussion of the victim identity see The Line between Victims and Abusers (although I do not agree with all Dr. Stosny says here).
I’m sorry to say I have no sound on my computer and don’t have a clue what is being said.:( But you said “only this time WE WIN.” That sounds really good to me. I’ll try to pull it up on my sons computer tomorrow. Thanks for responding to me Skylar.
Dearest heavenbound, Im not sure that I understand your situation and probably cant be of much help in the legal sense, but I just wanted you to know something. That something is that you are not alone with your friends on LF. Weve all been there and suffered various degrees of torture from our narcs and Ps. I want you to know that Im praying hard for you, darling, and sending you the biggest HUG! Try not to spin your wheels, have a bubble bath, drink some wine, eat some chocs. ALL THIS WILL PASS. These evil beings seem to be winning, but they NEVER win in the long run, and they are NEVER happy.So, dont feel low,God loves you, and so do we!! Love,{{HUGS!!!}} gem.XX
Geminigirl,
I wish I could print your post. I was really feeling sorry for myself and shut my computer down. I started praying “I don’t know what’s wrong with me Lord, I guess I’m being selfish” before I could finish I found myself turning the computer back on and there you were. I started crying, which is a good thing(i don’t need my bottle blowing, it was getting full!) Thank you so much, I really need your prayers! You are my angel from God. I needed that hug also thank you. I will try not to spin my wheels, which is what I was starting to do. A glass of wine and a bubble bath may be just what I need! Thank you for the reminder that this will pass and God does love me. Sometimes I forget that they won’t win in the long run.
Thank you Geminigirl, I needed every word you said. I can’t thank you enough for you kindness! Please remember my boys is prayer as well. I only share one with the P but I’m pretty sure my oldest’s father is an N, so we could all use a prayer. Thank you so very very much! I will remember you in my prayers as well!
Your very welcome, sweetheart! Im so glad you feel a little better! I will go on praying for you, and your boys. “All things work together for good, to those who love God,{you} and who are called according to his purpose”. ALL THINGS!!
God has it all under control, so hand it all over to Him,who is able to do”more abundantly and above all we can ask or think, according to His great and precious promises!!!”Sometimes when I read posts from LF members, God will almost “dictate” what to say to someone like you, a special person who is on His heart.You are that special person so who are you to argue with God? Much Love, and another big {{{HUG!!!}} dear heavenbound!!! love, gem.XXx
I’m handing it back to Him! Sometimes I mess up and take it back from him and like now I have to give it back again! A constant circle I guess! I feel better knowing it is in His hands. “ALL THINGS!!” Yes that is right, Amen! I will not argue with Him! You are very precious gemini, God bless you! Love and hugs and prayers, heavenbound
Tilly,
I too was charged and arrested for a crime my ex committed against me. When I tried to defend myself, I was threatened, and our children were threatened, if I didn’t do exactly as he said. The courts basically had a stance that I was guilty until proven innocent. To give you a better idea of the effect this had on me, my sister so often teases me saying, “You are so squeeky clean, you won’t even open a bag of chips at the store, until you’ve paid for them, for fear the presumption of stealing – integrity to the core.
I was threatened with the expense (tens of thousands of dollars) and subjecting my children to experienced going through a trail, as the primary witnesses against their father, which I could not justify in my mind (they were only 4, 8, and 10), so I pleaded guilty (at the suggestion of my lawyer after pleading not guilty two times.) Promises were made by him to right is wrongs. I was told the record would be whiped clean in a year after attending classes, which is not entirely true; my record is forever tainted.
My ex was then given sanction to stalk, threaten, harass, have others stalk us, destroyed our personal property, broke into my home, and when I called the police for help… he was listed as the victim. Violating my boundaries on my own property wasn’t against the law, especially since he was the victim on record. The authorities did nothing. The only witnesses I had were the kids, I was told they are NOT credible witnesses, and as such we would receive NO proteciton, as my ex only received a mild warning to leave us alone. The kids cried…”Why doesn’t anybody believe us, Mommy?” Even after my ex accausted me, and prevented me from calling the police, which is a felony, I was also warned that attempting to file a report for the purpose of getting a restraining order would make me look bad, and not him. We narrowed our circle, and lived like obediant robots.
Hind sight is an amanzing thing. I was given advice to get a survaillence system to surround my house. I was told to carry a video camera set for one switch away from record in my car. I could not afford the survaillence system (though I look back, and realise that I could not aford NOT getting it, either.) I could not focus on daily rutines, much less manage the process of thinking to always be prepared with a charged video camera set to record, as his acting out was unpredictable; usually coming after a long period of quiet, and even peaceful conversation, that lulled me into believing the nightmare was over. His attacks were always a surprise.
I struggle, even now, with this underlying fear, anxiety, or guilt when I do behave in ways that are proactive for me and the kids. (A symptom of helplessness that has it’s roots firmly planted in my earliest of years.) I had been brainwashed into beliving that self protection was a sign that I was guilty — a sick as this sounds, it is the reality I lived in. There are consequences for self protection…. like an even greater threat of some form of punishment to which I will be unable to protect myself. It’s a never ending cycle we’ve lived in for a long time.
Some say, “… then why don’t you just move to another State. If it were only that easy. I am legally bound to this cycle for another 9 years.
Though, I will say, the tide is turning. Even though I fear the reprocustions of striking the hornets next, and by that I mean, I am not only fighting my ex, but threatening his collective cult like family system and his new wife, who is no doubt an S and had been plotting with my ex to destroy my credability long before I knew that we were on a path of destrcution, of exposre. They conspire together, to poke, prod, and surround my circle of support, leaving me isolated and choked out.
I do believe they began to believe their lies against me, and fully expected that their alledged accusations against me about my behavior would find me out. Well, they were so far from reality, that it backfired.
Though I am still in our home (for how long, I don’t know), he took over control of both of our businesses (a combined value of a 3 million dollars), took our entire savings (nearly half a million), paid no support, and turned the entire (large) family system, the church, and our community against me and the kids. For a time, I did give up, and went into a deep depression.
What pulled me out, was each of my kids made me large cards that listed how they were feeling, what they admired about me, what they missed about me, and what about my depressed behavior scared them. My oldest daughter from another marraige prompted this. As painful as it was, it was an intervention of sorts; we all talked. And, I found the will to get out of my funk, see an old family doctor, got on anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety medication, and began opening up to a new circle of friends from a new church; who immediately rally’ed to support me with the kids activities, projects, homework, and even provided birthday parties for them. (They were used to huge family Birthday parties that ended abruptly, to just us six, without being able to provide a cake. These other families have been my angles. Only one of them understands what Psychopatholgy is about and she is a therapist. The other’s are healthy, loving people.
I had to allow myself to be honest about our circumstances, (I’m full of pride), to trust…and to receive the unconditional love and support these families have given us for the past 4 years. They swear our connection is an equal give and take, and that I offer them as much support, but if you put the generousity side by side, they have given us far more then I will ever be able to repay… and, for the first time in my life, I don’t feel guilty about the imbalance. They are teaching me, and my children that we are worth the effort.
Though, even now, as I prepare for the upcoming trial, I have to fight for the will to be strong, to be protective of me and the kids, to act assertively to sniff out the evidence, and to leave the fear of past threats behind us, or at the very least subdue them as a faint nagging in the back of my mind, to be ignored becuase… we are worth fighting for.
I anticipate at the age of 49, I will be recovering from this past 17 year ordeal (today is our 17 year wedding anniversary) for the rest of my life. I anticipate that I’ll never be whole, but more like swiss cheese and full of holes. And that, in itself, is also, ok — at least according to my current set of friends, who are more like family, then any family experience I’ve ever known.
Tilly…In short (sorry it took so long) I understand. I really do. My warmest hugs to you.
Rune..
“Women who love Psychopaths” Thanks for the post, the suggestion. I sorely need such information.
thank you.
Heavenbound….
::deep heavy sigh::: I hear you too. I worry about the same thing. How do they seem to know exactly what we are doing, where we are, who we talk to, what sites we visit? It’s spooky.
Even so… Take three deep breaths. And, then, breath out slowly. God is in control. Even if the ex gets more time, then you would deem appropriate, He (God) has a plan for their (your children’s) lives. He will reach them… I promise you. Even if the circumstances are not according to our plan. God knows what He is doing. (And, I say this with resistance, frustration, and years of being proved wrong for my unbelief.)
Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things unseen.
I went to a service agency today to see if they can help me with some of my housing challenges. I have more work to do but I may be able to get my utility bill expunged, and possibly some help with medications that I cannot get covered.
on the way home I stopped in a 2nd hand store and looked around. I haven’t been in there since before the spath’s first fake surgery, and I found myself thinking of that – i was still loving someone then. And I got really angry. I think specifically at the spath for conning me. The anger was acute and lasted for about an hour.
I am always grateful for such clear emotions.
I like the movement from being shamed for what I have let happen, to being angry at her for her choice to abuse me.
I had that same posture, the one of the rat in the pic…the last time my ex S charged at me, hands out stretched at my throat. That was three years and three weeks ago. I held that posture for about 5 seconds before I snapped and started hitting back! Which I warned on multiple occasions would most likely happen if he kept physically threatening and hurting me.
I made for such a bad victim, I’m surprised he chose me in the first place. For the challenge, maybe?
While I do suffer from PTSD, I am not one to hold on to being a victim. It took me months in therapy to even admit to myself I had been a victim, always looking for the role I played in how I ended up in my situation. Even in the bail admins office, filing for the PFA (right before he came in to serve me the one he had gotten that morning while I was at work; citing that one incident I fought back as him being abused and assorted lies, to include abusing my baby, to bolster his case. When I cited the same incident in a different light, not knowing he’d been in prior, the ADA asked me to show how I hit. I started with my hands up in front just like that rat…and then smacked forward maintaining the posture. She believed me. Guess she’s seen that rat before.) I sat with the other women in there and talked about how we got to where we did. What choices WE made.
On the one hand, it’s important not to get stuck and overly identify with being a victim. On the other hand, if the shoe fits, try wearing it a bit before discarding it. I’m not suggesting wallowing in self pity. But I do think it’s important to accept that, all choices aside, no one deserves to be treated the way an S/P treats people. Some of the kindest, most giving, “good” people make the best “victims”.
Forgive yourself some mistakes and accept , in fact, that person made YOU their victim. Just don’t let them keep victimizing you once you’ve gotten rid of the grip!
Good for you one_step…sounds like you’re taking it as such!
Namaste,
Duped