When I was a med student, I studied animal models for human stress and depression. The best animal model of what a psychopath does to others is that of the rodent resident-intruder paradigm. In this model, males are introduced into the home territory of other males, they experience social defeat and are removed before they are injured. Repeated exposure to this situation produces a defeated animal who is chronically submissive and gives up without a fight whenever he encounters other males. Below is the posture of a defeated mouse.
The physiology of this defeated rodent resembles human depression very closely. The defeat state can be reversed with antidepressants. Defeat is associated with elevated stress hormones, immune dysfunction and learned helplessness.
I think it is important to know that the potential to develop the defeat mentality exists within us. In humans this mentality takes on a more sophisticated form. When defeated many people become enveloped by what I call “the victim identity.”
Identity or self concept means how you think about yourself and how you think others perceive you. Identity and self concept always includes some component of how dominant or socially potent we consider ourselves to be. Social status is another related part of the self concept.
An encounter with a sociopath/psychopath often leaves a person defeated in every sphere of life. The status, reputation, career, finances that took a lifetime to build vanish. The victim is left in limbo, not knowing how to put the pieces together.
It is in this limbo that the victim identity develops. A person who used to be financially well off and productive having lost everything now adjusts to that loss by defining him/herself as “victim”. This victim identity is further supported by the constant pain and anxiety the person feels. Why do I hurt? Why have I lost? Why am I defeated? I experience all these things because I am a victim.
The minute I say, “I am a victim.” That word victim becomes part of my self definition. There is a certain comfort in the victim identity. It helps a person explain and cope with their external reality and internal symptoms.
The danger in the victim identity is that it will come to be the totality of a person’s self-definition. Once this happens, the victim stops living, and is like the defeated mouse, assuming the posture at every challenge.
I challenge you today to consider the place your identity as a victim has in terms of your total self-definition. Is the trauma the first thing you think of when you think of yourself? Are you being fair to yourself when you identify with your victim status? Perhaps you have a good deal more living to do than your victim identity will allow?
It is important to be whole. That means the part of you who is/was a victim gets integrated with the other parts. “Victim” has to become just a piece of the puzzle that is you.
I confess that I am aware of my victim identity most in the company I choose to keep. I feel most comfortable relating to other people who understand psychopaths and what they do. If that also describes you realize that is a sign of victim identity. It is important to acknowledge these tendencies and balance them by having friends who are not victims or family members of psychopaths/sociopaths.
It is especially important to spend time with functional families/couples who love and care for each other.
Try never to take pride in your status as a victim or use it as an excuse for dysfunction. If you experience symptoms of PTSD, that is a challenge to overcome not a curse you are condemned to live with.
Ask yourself today if you really want to be like that poor defeated mouse.
For another opinion and further discussion of the victim identity see The Line between Victims and Abusers (although I do not agree with all Dr. Stosny says here).
I really agree with the points made in the article. I hadn’t thought about my choice of friends from that perspective, and it is thought provoking. And I do struggle with PTSD though I’ve made huge progress. HUGE.
If you knew me in “real life” you would know I would have to enter a protest against these types of studies on mice, however. The fact that they ARE so similar makes doing the studies something that I think will really be looked down upon later in history…if WE survive as a species. There are plenty of real life animal trauma victims to study, just go to any elephant or parrot or chimpanzee sanctuary for instance. Dr. Gay Bradshaw is doing fascinating work on helping animals in these sanctuaries heal from the trauma for instance, of seeing their entire family murdered in front of them. She has a double phd and uses human trauma recovery techniques with these animals, and also chickens and others. She has also documented instances of the betrayal bond at The Elephant Sanctuary in TN….fascinating stuff. I don’t want to hijack this tread into the merits of animal testing…there are other forums for that. Just a passing note. Please.
I think I mentioned in another thread recently how validating it was to be at a conference surrounded with heroic people who share my values….like moving into a great neighborhood for a few days. The p/s hijack our values, get us doubting everything. I’ve never cared about material wealth but the P suddenly had me coveting that, feeling like a failure, etc. So wonderful to immerse myself in a bunch of Jane Goodall, Mother Theresa types that reflect my values that wealth doesn’t matter, that what matters is what you give. I know that trait is part of what got me in a mess with a P. I know now to be careful about who I give to and to look for the reciprocity in the relationship. Even when I give to an animal, it comes back to me in full measure….but not by the false yardstick a P uses.
Spent my birthday, not an exotic cruise, but helping to nurse 14 foals traumatically removed from their mothers. Another long story. But the point is, I couldn’t have had a more perfect day. Loving those foals, I was filled with a warmth and love I could not have gotten by spending money on myself or even listening to a P tell me how wonderful I am, while I’m walking on eggshells.
Rune…you are right, not talk therapy. One of the most effective means of healing for animals is letting them see recovered animals modeling healthy relationships.
As Dr. Leedom says “It is especially important to spend time with functional families/couples who love and care for each other.” So the traumatized animal can be given a safe place from which to watch the others. Sometimes that is from a human’s arms, sometimes it is from a tiny cage that they won’t leave, though the door is open. And of course, it really helps when one of the healthy animals comes over and starts gently interacting with the traumatized one. Sometimes just sitting by them quietly and never leaving except to get food, which they quietly offer to share. Some integrate quickly, some take weeks to leave their safe spot.
This is one challenge that I saw early in my experience with my ex s/p. Insomuch that I refused to allow myself to stay in the position of the victim. Because I at a younger age was before sexual abuse physical abuse and had exposure to those that wanted nothing less then to control me and really in a way “own” me I started to break free (too run or personally fight them verbally) of these people very early in my own personal way to autonomy. Even at a very young age I become a fighter (survivor) and refused to lose (victim) to them and this is how I understood it and/or wanted to understand it at a very young age.
So after my ex tried something like this on me for 17 years I wanted to fight but this time I wanted to fight to keep our family together and not just run away from the problems and not try to fight immaturely by/with verbally fighting her. What did I try?
Compassion and empathy
Communication
Role model
Forgiveness
Therapy
Skills learned from my abusive environment and my own therapy.
Sorry but none of these worked on my ex s/p.
Why?
Because my ex s/p never really wanted solutions to any problems. This emotional fight was lost even before the first psychological shoot was fired in a way. This of course is something I have just recently acknowledged.
Anyway, again I found myself in this “victim mode” but knew I had to get on to becoming the survivor. How to do this? Well, in my past understanding the problem(s) happens only when I really understood the problem(s). So I started asking questions and did research on what I was experiencing. Knowledge in partnership with understanding become the tools to reach beyond victimization then step into enlightenment and then come into idealization that I will become the survivor. In short I saw myself of a survivor before I became a survivor. Makes sense? To me in a way it didn’t as well. But I knew if I believe I could survive this then I would survive. It’s like the saying “I think I am therefore I am”. (God, how I always loved the power of words)
“The defeat state can be reversed with antidepressants. Defeat is associated with elevated stress hormones, immune dysfunction and learned helplessness.”
Went back to therapy on my own. I was put on antidepressants and they did help. Because of my stress levels I try to control them and help bring them back to a normal level. That helped as well. I refuse to accept “learned helplessness” as an acceptable state of being. In short this mouse become the lion again.
Thanks Liane Leedom again your writing helps me put things into prospective and confirms my own inner beliefs and that I feel I am one the right path to complete healing and understanding…
Dr. Stosney sounds like he doesn’t like it when victims
1. Get a clue
2. Solve their own problems
3. and make it without him holding their hand.
I’ve got no sympathy for the good doctor. If I hadn’t gotten a clue, there’s no telling how much damage my family and I would have suffered.
This is true for countless victims. We can’t sit around waiting for the good doctor. We need to take our lives back.
Sure, we know abusers need to become more compassionate in order to stop being abusive. We know they rarely if ever do that. We know abusers don’t enjoy the same quality of life the rest of us do. We know it’s pointless to taunt them with their permanent disconnect from the best of the human experience. Unlike Dr. Stosney, we also know that wallowing in pity for an abuser only opens us up to further harm.
The emotional barrenness of a cluster B is a crying shame, but of all the bad stuff in the world, it’s the one thing I’m least able to fix. Wringing my hands over the emotional wasteland of the S, the N or the P is not healthy for me.
The good doctor is not needed to validate my experience, hold my hand or tell me to go no contact with an abuser. With a dose of common sense, I can do that just fine. I refuse to shed tears for an abuser, who would respond to my tears as a shark would to ribbon of blood in the water.
I cordially hope that silly know-it-all has one of those nasty parasites latch on to him. Let’s see how helpful he finds his bleeding heart when he’s trying to cut ties with someone who effortlessly manipulates his emotions.
Grrr! What a thoroughly bombastic twit!
EC: I think Dr. Stosney may have valid points IF you’re NOT DEALING WITH A SOCIOPATH! So that’s reasonable advice if you’re talking about the majority of the population, and off-base, IMHO, for those of us who really tangled with the highly disordered.
“A compassionate victim, knowing that the abuser cannot change without becoming more compassionate, will leave. (Is he kidding me?). What is a “compassionate victim?
An abuser who becomes more compassionate cannot continue to abuse.” (Guess he is talking about your everyday abuser and not about an incessant abuser. Whose who are unable or unwilling to take accountability for their abusive nature.
I take it this person knows nothing or very little about personality disorders and/or a sociopathic person?
I have to agree with both Elizabeth Conley and Dr. Leedom about this author and that I don’t agree with some of what he has to say…
Yes, James, you see what I saw.
I gotta tell ya all……
I was introduced to a supposed ‘gentleman’ today….at first glance, seemed like a decent guy. We exchanged a few emails, seemed ‘normal’, yadayadayada…….
I learned long ago, to not give out ANY info about myself and just ask about THEM! Oh, how that works well…..people are so exhuberant to answer questions about themselves when they do not know you……NOT ME!!!!
When I got his full name……I pulled an erin B and did a simple, internet background check…… crossed referenced what info he gave me…..it’s real easy!
OH YEAH……..RED FLAGRED FLAG!!!
3 divorces with restraining orders placed on him during all.
1 child, who from birth he was not allowed to see and restraining orders in place for 9 years……EXTENDED FOR 9 YEARS…..
He tried to gain custody, each time denied and stiffer orders placed on him.
(Oh yeah…..he told me in the first email what a great active father he was and his 9 year old daughter was the light of his life!)
In 2008 a RAPE charge was dismissed for lack of evidence.
He bragged about it on one blog. No one could PROVE anything he was so good. YIKES!!!
He is an active member of MANBLA (man boy love association) …….CAN YOU SAY PEDOPHILE??????
He is an active member of the gay cyclists of america group…..
(Once again….I have NOTHING against gay folks…..But, I have a ‘thing’ about MY man being gay!!!)
He bragged about being a pro cyclist, and a coach at the local University. ( Kinda scary who your kids are being ‘coached’ by?) BTW…who does the hiring here?
I also found numerous blogs about his aversion and pure hatred of female judges in our area.
Stating his dismay about being ordered to pay $100 child support and his refusal to do so.
And some other weird rants that were random, but wicked!
NOW…..the ‘old’ Erin would be sitting there trying to find a reason to believe he was ‘framed’, falsly accused, disgruntled ex….oh, he really is a decent guy, look he’s so good looking, maybe I should just have dinner with him and ‘see for myself’…….blah, blah ,blah….. (OH YES>>>>>AND WAIT TO BE RAPED BY A PEDOPHILE-GAY GUY THAT RIDES A BIKE????)
BUT……NOT THE NEW EB!!!! Man, I would rather be alone!
I read all the LF stories about hooking up with another S……AND I DON”T WANT TO BE THERE AGAIN!!!!!
I would rather be wrong and run for the hills, than take my ‘chances’ and be wrong!!!
NO THANK YOU!!!
SO…..I popped him an email saying I was leaving for Venezuela for an extended business trip in the am and I would ‘be in touch’……SEE YA!
I also let this ‘mutual’ acquantance in on his ‘secrets’…..SHOCK all around!!!!
You just can’t tell a S by the cover folks…..read the book first!
Let this be a lesson to us all…..internet background checks…..essential information to have!!!!
I just caught another mouse in MY trap!!! At this one didn’t have time, or get close enough to poop on my life before I did him in!!
Growth huh? Thanks to the LF gang….I proceed with caution!!
Have a GREAT weekend!
EB: Jeez, I mean, JEEZ. Way to go! Was this a background check that you paid for? (it was well worth it if you did!). What an A**hole S/P. Very good lesson. I was always so afraid to be alone I would ignore red flags, but I’m realizing it’s not so bad to be alone, you’re right, “I don’t want to be there again!!!!!” NO TO POOP!
How did you find the blogs? I am so technically challenged.
Shabbychic:
Isearch.com
Enter name and city/state.
This is a good start. You get age, property owners address (if they own property), spouse or ex spouse name.
Then take this info to google.com…..
You never know what you find on google.
Court doc’s. Blogs, newspaper articles, career info etc….the sky’s the limit girl!!!
Intellius.com is another site that gives decent free info.
Whitepages.com
Take what you gather to Myspace.com and this provides an immense amount of info.
Then facebook.com
All free…..No I have NEVER paid for any info.
You need very little info to cross reference a person……
Name or Phone number, or job (career path), extracurricular activitiy, town.
If you have this info or even some of the above, on google you know you have the correct person…..if you know they work for IBM and are in the tech field and an article about a Dr. so and so appears…..most likely you have the wrong guy.
WIth all the info I have found on the internet during my divorce and recon work……I WOULD NEVER HAVE A MYSPACELINKEDIN>OR EVEN SIGN AN ONLINE BEREAVEMENT BOOK……
My kids were mortified when I ‘stalker mommed’ their friends and told them things about who they hung out with…..they all cancelled their accounts!
I have found out info about swingers in my area my S played with, gay hang outs my ex frequented, where my GF’s husband meets his hookers and when, the s’s drug suppliers girlfriends home address, and other financial and personal info put out there for all to see!
Trust me…..I have found out more than I EVER wanted to know about what goes on around us!!!!!!
But I am soooooo glad I did.
GOTTA KEEP THOSE TRAPS SET AND READY!!!!! But we also must be ready, willing and prepared to throw the mice out with the trap when caught!!!
🙂