When I was a med student, I studied animal models for human stress and depression. The best animal model of what a psychopath does to others is that of the rodent resident-intruder paradigm. In this model, males are introduced into the home territory of other males, they experience social defeat and are removed before they are injured. Repeated exposure to this situation produces a defeated animal who is chronically submissive and gives up without a fight whenever he encounters other males. Below is the posture of a defeated mouse.
The physiology of this defeated rodent resembles human depression very closely. The defeat state can be reversed with antidepressants. Defeat is associated with elevated stress hormones, immune dysfunction and learned helplessness.
I think it is important to know that the potential to develop the defeat mentality exists within us. In humans this mentality takes on a more sophisticated form. When defeated many people become enveloped by what I call “the victim identity.”
Identity or self concept means how you think about yourself and how you think others perceive you. Identity and self concept always includes some component of how dominant or socially potent we consider ourselves to be. Social status is another related part of the self concept.
An encounter with a sociopath/psychopath often leaves a person defeated in every sphere of life. The status, reputation, career, finances that took a lifetime to build vanish. The victim is left in limbo, not knowing how to put the pieces together.
It is in this limbo that the victim identity develops. A person who used to be financially well off and productive having lost everything now adjusts to that loss by defining him/herself as “victim”. This victim identity is further supported by the constant pain and anxiety the person feels. Why do I hurt? Why have I lost? Why am I defeated? I experience all these things because I am a victim.
The minute I say, “I am a victim.” That word victim becomes part of my self definition. There is a certain comfort in the victim identity. It helps a person explain and cope with their external reality and internal symptoms.
The danger in the victim identity is that it will come to be the totality of a person’s self-definition. Once this happens, the victim stops living, and is like the defeated mouse, assuming the posture at every challenge.
I challenge you today to consider the place your identity as a victim has in terms of your total self-definition. Is the trauma the first thing you think of when you think of yourself? Are you being fair to yourself when you identify with your victim status? Perhaps you have a good deal more living to do than your victim identity will allow?
It is important to be whole. That means the part of you who is/was a victim gets integrated with the other parts. “Victim” has to become just a piece of the puzzle that is you.
I confess that I am aware of my victim identity most in the company I choose to keep. I feel most comfortable relating to other people who understand psychopaths and what they do. If that also describes you realize that is a sign of victim identity. It is important to acknowledge these tendencies and balance them by having friends who are not victims or family members of psychopaths/sociopaths.
It is especially important to spend time with functional families/couples who love and care for each other.
Try never to take pride in your status as a victim or use it as an excuse for dysfunction. If you experience symptoms of PTSD, that is a challenge to overcome not a curse you are condemned to live with.
Ask yourself today if you really want to be like that poor defeated mouse.
For another opinion and further discussion of the victim identity see The Line between Victims and Abusers (although I do not agree with all Dr. Stosny says here).
justabouthealed….it was S O S….I copied it in March (8th)2009
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____S O S says:
OxDrover: I pretty much took what I’d learned from sessions with that therapist and modified it to my own purposes.
EMDR as done with that particular therapist
1. The traumatic issue or memory: Put a picture in your mind which represents the worst part of the incident.
2. Negative cognition: What words go best with that picture which expresses your negative belief about yourself now?
3. Positive cognition: When you bring up that picture/incident, what would you like to believe about yourself now?
4. When you bring up that picture/incident, how true do you feel the positive cognition is?
1 = feels completely false, 7 = feels completely true
5. When you bring up that picture/incident, how disturbed do you feel?
0 = no disturbance, 10 = highest disturbance possible
6. Do the eye movement while thinking about the picture/incident. (He’d wave his hand back and forth quickly, but not so quickly that I couldn’t follow with my eyes). For about 20 seconds or so.
7. Go back to step 4 and repeat the process until the numbers (in steps 4 & 5) go down to more acceptable levels, if not the lowest level.
Note: One thing he let me do which was helpful for me, and this was something I came up with on my own, was to verbalize any thoughts I had while my eyes were going back and forth. My goal was to come up with ideas about how I’d handle that situation if I had to experience it again, today. It was my own little modification, and the insights I came up with were as good for me as the actual eye movement was, I think.
EMDR as I do it with my computer
I placed a couple of bullseye pictures I found from Google images on a blank Word document. They’re spaced at opposite ends of the page (12 inches apart on my screen, about two feet from my face. I suppose any picture would do. It gives my eyes something to look at when my eyes go back and forth. Underneath I type very brief descriptions of the following (so I stay on track).
1. The traumatic issue or memory: Put a picture in your mind which represents the worst part of the incident.
2. Negative cognition: What words go best with that picture which expresses your negative belief about yourself now?
3. Positive cognition: When you bring up that picture/incident, what would you like to believe about yourself now?
I’ll do it for twenty or so seconds, three or more ’sessions’, and between each ’session’, type up any thoughts (if any) I had. I ignore the steps 4&5. I don’t need to convince myself it works.
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Thank you so much. I’m copying it to my computer so I won’t lose it. Thank you!
Adam
“I don’t think exposing a psyco ,If you know they are violent is a good healthy idea!”
And you are right. It’s very dangerous so one must be very careful!
But not exposing a s/p is also dangerous to others that will come into contact with them. If anyone is thinking about exposing their ex s/p make sure you understand all the risks.
But for me not exposing a person of this nature is a sin. Plus I waited until I understand the full nature of these people before doing so. This of course doesn’t take away all the risks but it does give that person knowledge and wisdom in how to process. Again Adam not exposing them is a sin to me and would put my immoral soul at risk if I did nothing to help and warn others of the potential danger whenever one comes into contact with the person. Too many children have been hurt by this person, so to do nothing to me is inherently wrong therefore a sin.
Also exposure of these type of people will do two things simultaneously. 1) Warn others of the danger and 2) Cut off some possible supply they might receive by others who don’t understand their abusive nature.
Adam,
“Remember Wornos!”
“Are serial killers beyond redemption? Two new films consider the case of Aileen Wuornos, a woman executed by Florida in 2002 for killing seven men with a .22-caliber pistol. Although the films differ in their portrayal of Wuornos, both attempt to see beyond the media’s sensationalism and make an emotional argument against the death penalty.”
I guess you are referring to Aileen Wuornos? Sorry but your spelling is a little off. But yes I do remember this person. Again one must understand and be in ready to learn about the nature of this disorder.
http://www.inthesetimes.com/article/133/two_tales_of_one_monster/
Hi James and Tilly and ShabbyChic:)
I hope things are good and peaceful for you today.xx
Panic attacks: Yikes! I have never had them before this year, I had 3 in total over April – beginning of May, and thankfully they’ve subsided now, but what a scary experience!
The first was in public, I was at a gig and went to the bathroom, came back and couldn’t see my friend because it was dark (one of my first ventures ‘out into the real world’ since the D&D and the big black hole I then fell into, I guess I suddenly felt alone and vulnerable) and the next thing I knew I felt like I was having a heart/ asthma attack and my mind was capsizing! Awful.:(
The next was when I was with a male friend and he asked me about a book I had read, my mind went blank and I couldn’t remember the details , heart started racing, head swimming and I nearly fainted! I guess the trigger was that the s/p I knew was always asking questions about things I did or read or thought, how I felt about god, religion (and magic – lol! Yes he was soooo special he was merlin and yoda and gandhi and Jesus all rolled into one – not!) etc, but it always felt treacherous, not like actual interest, and I now see it was often a way of undermining me or trying to trip me up or demonstrate his superiority of mind over me (PUH!). So big panic at feeling like I was in that situation again! Of course I wasn’t, my friend is not trying to laugh at me because I cant quote Shakespeare verbatim and am therefore an idiot – that is the creep’s game and he is not here anymore… awful feelings.
And the last was just in my kitchen for no reason I can fathom whatsoever!
PA’s are really terrible things, I hope it never happens again I can honestly say the first one I had was one of the most frightening experiences of my life:(
xxxxx
I find that making sure that I am with people I trust doing gentle things on MY terms, (that isnt as bolshi as it sounds… its not about calling the shots but choosing to do what feels comfortable for me, not rocket science I know, but its a revelation for me:) practising meditating on calm and peace and self love as I go about my business and gently pushing myself to become bolder(veeeery gently:), moving back in small steps to ME… or a better me…
xxxx
Okay – that was weird. I apologise LF’ers, I managed to post this, lose it and post again on two different threads:S Doh! xx forgive me:)
This girl who goes to my art class with me and who has befriended me is starting to show signs.. red flags. I thought she was the one girl in the class i could trust. She gave a card and an expensive present to our narcissist teacher today. I could tell she had waited for everyone to go before she gave it to her and she was disappointed i didn’t go as well. We always have a joke together about the teachers narcissism and her Mount Everest ego.
I am so mad at myself, I don’t know if i am just being paranoid or not. I just realised that my friend is very highly competitive and only does things to help if she is noticed. She becomes a friend if it helps her, if not she backs off.
I am so confused.
Blueskies: “Trauma from interacting with a psychopath is not just psychological, it’s NEUROLOGICAL!” That statement is from notes I took on a conversation with a psychologist who does neurofeedback.
She encouraged me to rest, be gentle with myself, understand that this takes time.
I don’t know that this explains your panic attacks, but I understand from some of my study that anxiety shows up as a higher frequency in the brain, and when we’ve lived with a psychopath, we have been spending a lot of time in a state of high alert. That’s like running a car at 60 mph in first gear!
I understand that sense of going blank when faced with a mental challenge while feeling pressure. I think you’re on the right track with giving yourself permission to do gentle things on your terms.
Tilly: So you spotted this quickly! Your antenna is working — good for you!
Two things that got me over my panic attacks. One was giving myself a math problem to do at the moment I felt one starting. Like counting in a pattern like this 100-1-99-2-98-3, so you are counting up and down at the same time. And sometimes I think my eyes moved from side to side as I did it, which may have helped to. But it is IMPOSSIBLE to be cognitive and emotive (to that extent) at the same time. So the idea is to stop the emotions by going into a cognitive mode.
the other thing that helped was starting to really connect with where I am and asking myself, “What here is frightening me….is it the red chair, is the flower in the vase, it is the person standing here, is it the floor I’m standing on….what is scary here.” Again, it gets your brain in a cognitive mode.
One last trick. This helped me a great deal. Rate your fear. Ahead of time, think to yourself what a panic attack feels like at “1” at at 2, etc. on up to 10. Then when you feel one starting, ask yourself, Okay, is this a 10 yet? No, it is more like a 3, oops, now it is 6, okay, now it is back to 3, now more like a 1……Same deal, gets your brain out of the emotive faze and into thinking.
Believe me, I had severe panic attacks. I would see a picture of someone hurt in an accident and faint. One foot up, then the other and go flat on my back, hitting my head and body hard. I was afraid of seeing physical suffering. I could even just walk in a hospital and pass out, without seeing anything. Once a woman in church fainted during the final prayer, and I remember thinking I wonder what that felt like, and next thing I knew they were reviving me. I had gone one foot up, then the other, fell straight back and bounced my jaw on a row of chairs. So I was pretty bad.
I read about the techniques in a book and applied them without the help of a therapist. I was so proud that when my dad had to have a painful procedure, and the doctor asked if one member of the family could go with him, to keep him calm, everyone pointed to me. I’m now not bothered A BIT by that stuff anymore.
So now I just have to apply the same techniques to the “falling into a deep black space” feeling I can get if I think of the P too much. Determined to get rid of that last little residue.