When I was a med student, I studied animal models for human stress and depression. The best animal model of what a psychopath does to others is that of the rodent resident-intruder paradigm. In this model, males are introduced into the home territory of other males, they experience social defeat and are removed before they are injured. Repeated exposure to this situation produces a defeated animal who is chronically submissive and gives up without a fight whenever he encounters other males. Below is the posture of a defeated mouse.
The physiology of this defeated rodent resembles human depression very closely. The defeat state can be reversed with antidepressants. Defeat is associated with elevated stress hormones, immune dysfunction and learned helplessness.
I think it is important to know that the potential to develop the defeat mentality exists within us. In humans this mentality takes on a more sophisticated form. When defeated many people become enveloped by what I call “the victim identity.”
Identity or self concept means how you think about yourself and how you think others perceive you. Identity and self concept always includes some component of how dominant or socially potent we consider ourselves to be. Social status is another related part of the self concept.
An encounter with a sociopath/psychopath often leaves a person defeated in every sphere of life. The status, reputation, career, finances that took a lifetime to build vanish. The victim is left in limbo, not knowing how to put the pieces together.
It is in this limbo that the victim identity develops. A person who used to be financially well off and productive having lost everything now adjusts to that loss by defining him/herself as “victim”. This victim identity is further supported by the constant pain and anxiety the person feels. Why do I hurt? Why have I lost? Why am I defeated? I experience all these things because I am a victim.
The minute I say, “I am a victim.” That word victim becomes part of my self definition. There is a certain comfort in the victim identity. It helps a person explain and cope with their external reality and internal symptoms.
The danger in the victim identity is that it will come to be the totality of a person’s self-definition. Once this happens, the victim stops living, and is like the defeated mouse, assuming the posture at every challenge.
I challenge you today to consider the place your identity as a victim has in terms of your total self-definition. Is the trauma the first thing you think of when you think of yourself? Are you being fair to yourself when you identify with your victim status? Perhaps you have a good deal more living to do than your victim identity will allow?
It is important to be whole. That means the part of you who is/was a victim gets integrated with the other parts. “Victim” has to become just a piece of the puzzle that is you.
I confess that I am aware of my victim identity most in the company I choose to keep. I feel most comfortable relating to other people who understand psychopaths and what they do. If that also describes you realize that is a sign of victim identity. It is important to acknowledge these tendencies and balance them by having friends who are not victims or family members of psychopaths/sociopaths.
It is especially important to spend time with functional families/couples who love and care for each other.
Try never to take pride in your status as a victim or use it as an excuse for dysfunction. If you experience symptoms of PTSD, that is a challenge to overcome not a curse you are condemned to live with.
Ask yourself today if you really want to be like that poor defeated mouse.
For another opinion and further discussion of the victim identity see The Line between Victims and Abusers (although I do not agree with all Dr. Stosny says here).
This was very helpful to read. I think this describes how I’m feeling lately and I can see that this victim mentality is keeping me from really living. I’ve got to figure out how to stop thinking of myself as a victim. It’s difficult when I still feel that I’m being victimized my ex, but being stuck in this mode is giving him more power over my life than I should. I do have a lot of living left to do and have to figure out a way to do it without thinking of my losses all of the time. It’s so difficult to get self esteem back after going through all of this. I used to be so self-confident.
Interesting article, though I agree with those here who say it’s important not to beat up on ourselves for feeling victimized when we’ve been set up and targeted and destroyed before we have any clue what a sociopath is. I’ve been having an interesting reaction to my targeting. I’ve been feeling unbelievably anxious ever since it happened, and exhausted (I do wonder if SPs are not, in fact, true energy vampires, that they literally suck us dry of our energy somehow–that observation about the affect being neurological intrigues me), and I have been having to fight the paranoid feeling that somehow the fact that this a**hole played me and successfully achieved his D&D is stamped on my forehead for all to see. Some of this may come from my childhood, when everything bad that happened was my fault–and this experience just stirred it all up. But what I felt I HAD to do after the D&D (and complications), as if my life depended on it, despite the anxiety and exhaustion, was throw a big party and invite all my other friends and create a more public profile in doing things that were helpful to others, as stressful as these things were. It was like I both wanted the cluster Bs I fell in with to know I had support so they wouldn’t go all out in trashing me and also, to stand up for myself, let myself know I was going to stand up for me, even though I was feeling like that poor beat down mouse. I do think it’s helping. But no contact is helping the most, I think. It’s very very healing not to have to see/interact with/think about these people.
Also, I think it’s true that someone who seems “too nice” or “too helpful” might be a red flag, but I do think some people really are that nice (you might think I’m “too nice” if you could search my public profile)–it might be that, like me, they were raised by narcissistic parents who expected them to fix everything. I’ve noticed all my siblings are big “fix-it” types, always wanting to help, find a solution for someone’s problem. I think that’s one of the creepiest things about SPs–some of the red flags can, in fact, be read just the opposite in a healthy person (or one who’s been “trained” by a cluster B). You’d have to know which one the person is to know how to interpret the signs. But I do know that now, my trust in new people is gone. I’m actually keeping lists of potential red flags for new acquaintances, especially ones who want to get close quickly, just because I was way too naive and trusting before and now I don’t trust my own instincts. It’s a journey, for sure.
Dear Jill,
What james quoted from Rune about the neurological damage done to our entire system (mental and physical) is so true. Stress is CHEMICAL and does damage to our brains and bodies, immune system etc. and our thinking is less functional under the influence of all these chemicals released in response to stress. Short term, like if you are scared when you almost step on a snake, this chemical bath into our brain lets us react quickly so we dont’ get bitten, or fight off a tiger or run from a tiger, but LONG TERM it destroys both physical and mental functioning and it takes a long time to recover from high stress.
Keeping your stress high is what your x is doing (like with the baby seat thrown off the tower) but also HE ENJOYS knowing that he is upsetting you, stressing you.
It takes several things to “de stress” and A COUPLE OF THEM ARE PEACE AND SAFETY for a time, when you can let the body and mind repair the damage. Sometimes this also requires antidepressants because the stress reaction is sort of like the “depression” it causes.
Just like an old dog that is sick will crawl under the porch and lay around for a while if it isn’t feeling well, we need to do the same thing as well. Cut down the number of decisions we have to make, cut down the amount of work we have to do to the bare minimum, etc. I’m sort of a “work-a-holic” and have always been busy doing something “useful” and so it is difficult for me to “relax” and just DO NOTHING but it is a healing thing. fortunately, in a way, because I had to flee my home, it made me just DO NOTHING because there was nothing to do living in the RV by the lake except just REST and think, read and post on LF. Not having all these things to “do” on my plate gave me time to process the emotional trauma, to heal and to start to think better. (((hugs)))) and my prayers for you and your son.
Excellent advice, OxDrover – as always. Thanks. I am feeling like a sick dog that needs to crawl under the porch, and as active as I’ve always been, it’s been hard to give myself permission to do just that. I feel like sleeping 12 hours a day and doing nothing the other 12. 😛
When I look back at my relationship with my S boyfriend, I understand that he was not real, and what he presented to me was an illusion.
But, for me, the love I felt for him at that time was real. Maybe it was not real for him, but it was for me. Maybe what I was “in love” with was not real, but MY love was real.
He was a great teacher in that he taught me about the sinister part of life that was sheltered from me as a child.
And boy, did I learn!
But, at the end of the day, I was not the one incapable of love, he was.
I am at peace with that.
What is that expression? “I would rather have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.”
P.S. And guess what? When we come to the end of our journey on this earth, there is only one thing we can take with us: LOVE.
What will the S do then?
P.S.S. Hope this helps those who are feeling PTSD, depression, anxiety, etc.
Boy do I know PTSD!
But how do you describe it I have thought over and over again how do you describe it?
I woke up one day and found my X was not real, he had conned lied cheated and stole from our very dear friends and he was living 2 lives, first the shock that comes over ALL of US once you see it in your face is indescribable. But after my nightmare I literally had a nervous breakdown (funny I had a doctor tell me there was such thing, well I am here to tell you there is) I couldn’t talk I couldn’t move, my children had to carry me to the car that was the most heat breaking. But after that hospital stay for 8 days that’s where I knew PTSD, I felt like I was in a bubble, a tunnel, underwater walking but not really there talking but not talking. I hear people say there is no such thing as PTSD well as some of you know this is real and My heart goes out to those who have had walk to this journey seems to be a long journey and that it will never stop. I think for most all of us would do better but when you realize you are homeless, penniless and shocked to no end that someone could lie that much keeps us in this stat. And even more the legal battles, I know I would have been further along but I got subpoenaed 6 months after the nightmare and have been battling in court for a year now. There is no rest its hard to sleep, sometimes so tough to keep fighting.
O yes PTSD is real.
Dear Skippy,
The RESTING both mentally and physically has been very difficult for me too. One of my nick-names as a kid was “roller skate” because I was always on the move at high speed.I could “multi-task” with the best of them, an dkeep it all together, now, post PTSD I have trouble juggling ONE ball or task, and keeping it off the floor using both hands—and that was frustating to the max! I too thought I should do thinks like you did, with your party even though you were exhausted—-a better choice and decision would have been to hole up in your bed and “suck your thumb” in the “fetal position” but i couldn’t do that either, I had to DO something, FIX something, etc. was difficult to over come, even logically or using my thinking brain, which I think was on “PAUSE”—LOL
I literally got so concerned that I had my shrink give me an IQ test cause I thought I was going senile and it terrified me (stressed me even worse) I am improving with the CRS but I’ve come to grips with the fact that I will never be able to MULTI-task to the extent that I “used’a’could’a done.”
My brain has been changed by the chemical “bath” that the stress long term gave it, along with the sudden stress of my husband’s fatal accident. Plus, frankly, I retired because my job (Advanced Practice nurse) depended on me being able to multi-task, focus well, and take people’s lives in my hands. I was no longer able to do that. My profession was part of my idenity, so I lost that part to, in a way, by not being able to work at what I loved because I had no short term memory. I couldn’t put people’s lives in danger because of my problem. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make, plus it put me behind the financial 8-ball as well.
The young and middle aged women (men) on here who HAVE to keep on functioning with a job and with caring for children AND trying to find enhough time and peace in which to heal have my admiration for sure. In the past, I have functioned under extreme stress with kids, job etc. and I KNOW how ahrd it is, but this episode was just TOO MUCH for me, I was depleted of energy to keep on. All this stress is cumulative for sure. Just like a bucket under a leaky faucet, it fills up slowly, but the ONE DROP finally fills it up and it starts to run over.
We get so FULL of pain and stress that we no longer are able to do what we need to do and it all leaks over. In order to function again, we, just like the bucket, have to be “emptied out” of all the accumulated stress and pain. It takes TIME and effort on our part to empty all that stress and pain out. As long as we stay there under the faucet without being emptied out we are not going to be able to keep the “drip’ from running over.
Hang in there Skippy, and be good to yourself, crawl up “under the porch” and don’t do anything you don’t HAVE TO DO for a while! TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST AND FOREMOST!
Thanks so much for the kind words, good advice, and caring encouragement, Oxy. It really helps to be reminded of what I need to do right now, what’s most important. I’m not old enough to worry about senility, but my mental acuity is not what it used to be, that’s for sure. It’s pretty sobering, the long term effects.
I sure am sorry about your experiences and losing your husband. After coming within minutes of almost losing mine, and having to face the fact that I might lose him, I know that the shock and trauma is just profound. And this on top of all the other stuff.
And yes, my heart goes out to those who have full-time jobs, children to care for, legal hassles to work through. I’m lucky that I freelance, live very cheaply, and have my husband to help me through this. The courage and strength of the people on this site awe me and humble me every time I read a post.
Thanks again, OxDrover. I will take your good advice (and BTW, great article on ticks–you have a real gift for metaphor).
venting– don’t get mad.
I was a damned victim. this guy knew exactly who and what I was– what he wanted, blah blah. and now I have probs from financial to health to emotional.
How do i not feel like a victim when I lost everything I worked for– including my health and looks b/c someone deliberately sought out a vulnerable, lonely and depressed and beautiful looking woman (at the time)– just to get what they wanted. He deliberately lied.
If he had ever said that he just wanted sex– hell– I would have ran.
he knew that– so played the whole “forever card”.
not in good mood today. really clenched my teeth and dreamt of ex last nite beign with a 20 year old and my crying and asking him to please take me back— I would never do that. Why do I feel rejected– when this guy has a disordered mind anyway and would reject Angelina Joilie if she did not play his cards right every min.
Love you all. ;Sorry to be hurting. such a headache from clenching– even with a nitegurad and 10 mgs of valium.
Pissed.
I have been ruined by a sociopath. As I type…I feel there is a spy program and he can see every word. PTSD is one of the afflictions that I have. I also am addicted to pain killers…it numbs me so I cant feel. I had a successful business. This person entered my life as a business consultant /accountant..and has several other “businesses” When I met him, he interviewed me to find out my dreams, my hopes, and my fears. He then began playing on those. He knew what I wanted and told me that I could get those things..( I am being unspecific out of fear he’ll read this and know its me) if I do things HIS way. So slowly but surely he gained my trust and began taking control of everything in my life. I have 5 kids single mother so my dreams were geared towards the family..like a house.So in about 4 years…he managed to ruin me but claiming the whole time that I “owed him” money…that he put so much money in my business..he had full power of my accounts..but that did not happen overnight. One of his businesses was real estate so he had me buy a house..not to live in but for investment purposes from another “client” of his. He set it up with a private lender( his friend) and I ended up signing for 90,000 more dollars than the price of the house. He told me I could use the money to knock down the house and build townhouses and for my business. Of course the $$ within 3 weeks ended up in his account which when I found out he told me I OWED $$ to him. I am so busy running my business and 5 kids, that of course in the beginning, I felt relief that he was taking charge of the paper part of the business and so I worked about 75 hours a week at the business and then there are 5 kids. He kept telling me I wasnt making money and that I was spending too much. Of course I never got P&L statements, nor did I ever get advice from this “business consultant” on how to fix the problem because he was the problem! I did leave him but was so financially ruined..I went to my mother( a selfish person) and told her I needed help. I was losing my rented house that I lived in, my house that I was renting out that was supposed to be for townhouses, and my business. He filed an involuntary bankcrupcy against me claiming I owed him 400,00 dollars and had done such a job on the figures over the years that it would cost a fortune to decipher the intentional mess he made. After $50,000 in attorneys fees which I still owe most of that I “won” but I am so much in debt that I was going to be in the street with my 5 kids…and when my mother refused to help me financially…I had no choice but to call the only person that could and that was the sociopath that created the mess…and of course 3 months later..I still have a roof over my kids head..I am still working 75-80 hours a week for nothing but bill paying but I am not in a shelter which my mother offered some phone numbers for. We are suppose to be moving in his house soon so I can SAVE money. I feel like I have no choice but to do that because the bills come in faster than I make money now. So I feel like the fly caught in the spider web with no options…I had worked so hard in my life and before the sociopath despite mistakes I had made…I took my kids on yearly vacations,Europe even and lived fine. So I have nightmares often, panic attacks, scary thoughts of something bads going to happen…and the pain killers to numb me so I can just be like a robot…taking care of the kids…working, cooking, and cleaning.I just dont know where PTSD leads to. I am afraid to know in a way. Hopefully nowhere…but I find my fears increasing…and I was a very adventureous person with a joie de vivre that wouldnt quit! Not anymore…