When I was a med student, I studied animal models for human stress and depression. The best animal model of what a psychopath does to others is that of the rodent resident-intruder paradigm. In this model, males are introduced into the home territory of other males, they experience social defeat and are removed before they are injured. Repeated exposure to this situation produces a defeated animal who is chronically submissive and gives up without a fight whenever he encounters other males. Below is the posture of a defeated mouse.
The physiology of this defeated rodent resembles human depression very closely. The defeat state can be reversed with antidepressants. Defeat is associated with elevated stress hormones, immune dysfunction and learned helplessness.
I think it is important to know that the potential to develop the defeat mentality exists within us. In humans this mentality takes on a more sophisticated form. When defeated many people become enveloped by what I call “the victim identity.”
Identity or self concept means how you think about yourself and how you think others perceive you. Identity and self concept always includes some component of how dominant or socially potent we consider ourselves to be. Social status is another related part of the self concept.
An encounter with a sociopath/psychopath often leaves a person defeated in every sphere of life. The status, reputation, career, finances that took a lifetime to build vanish. The victim is left in limbo, not knowing how to put the pieces together.
It is in this limbo that the victim identity develops. A person who used to be financially well off and productive having lost everything now adjusts to that loss by defining him/herself as “victim”. This victim identity is further supported by the constant pain and anxiety the person feels. Why do I hurt? Why have I lost? Why am I defeated? I experience all these things because I am a victim.
The minute I say, “I am a victim.” That word victim becomes part of my self definition. There is a certain comfort in the victim identity. It helps a person explain and cope with their external reality and internal symptoms.
The danger in the victim identity is that it will come to be the totality of a person’s self-definition. Once this happens, the victim stops living, and is like the defeated mouse, assuming the posture at every challenge.
I challenge you today to consider the place your identity as a victim has in terms of your total self-definition. Is the trauma the first thing you think of when you think of yourself? Are you being fair to yourself when you identify with your victim status? Perhaps you have a good deal more living to do than your victim identity will allow?
It is important to be whole. That means the part of you who is/was a victim gets integrated with the other parts. “Victim” has to become just a piece of the puzzle that is you.
I confess that I am aware of my victim identity most in the company I choose to keep. I feel most comfortable relating to other people who understand psychopaths and what they do. If that also describes you realize that is a sign of victim identity. It is important to acknowledge these tendencies and balance them by having friends who are not victims or family members of psychopaths/sociopaths.
It is especially important to spend time with functional families/couples who love and care for each other.
Try never to take pride in your status as a victim or use it as an excuse for dysfunction. If you experience symptoms of PTSD, that is a challenge to overcome not a curse you are condemned to live with.
Ask yourself today if you really want to be like that poor defeated mouse.
For another opinion and further discussion of the victim identity see The Line between Victims and Abusers (although I do not agree with all Dr. Stosny says here).
Hey Akitameg…
You are right that he deliberately lied….and regarding the whole “forever card” that so many play… what happened in my past was along with the “forever card” he intermittently played “bad cards” on me (not treating me right, making me feel bad/awful, stealing, etc…bits and pieces of crap treatment in the undertow…mixed in with “the forever card”…
So while he knew who and what I was…. I DID NOT KNOW MYSELF OR WHO I WAS… at the time did you know you were a vulnerable, lonely and depressed woman? He knew it ,, but did you??? If not, there was no way you could “protect yourself” from evil toxic people… Once we get to know ourselves, and help ourselves with the vulnerability and lonliness and depression we become much more aware about WHO WE ARE AND WHAT WE DESERVE AND WE ASK OURSELVES WHAT DO WE WANT ? GUYS WHO PLAY THE “FOREVER CARD WHILE ALSO INTERMITTENTLY USING BAD CARDS ON US ALONG THE WAY…OR RELATIONSHIPS WHERE THE CARDS ARE FAIR AND FEEL GOOD EVERYDAY AND WE ARE SEEN FOR WHO WE ARE AND WHAT WE ARE ALL ABOUT??
You feel rejected because in a sense many of us were rejected…but the good news is WHY? Are you ready for my belief? We were rejected because we finally took a stand for OURSELVES…for what was RIGHT…for our spirit and souls that said NO MORE DOING THE RELATIONSHIP YOUR WAY…IT WILL EITHER BE THE RIGHT HEALTHY WAY OR NOT AT ALL…When its an S/P/N it can never be the healthy way so they split, retreat, find another victim…and we are left feeling like what the heck just hit me…on one hand I stand up for myself and on the otherhand he has vanished…was I right or wrong…was it my fault..what did I do why do I hurt how could he?
The answer is because he is not a healthy caring loving person…even when playing the forever card he was treating you badly…a red flag that it would have been “A BAD FOREVER”….they do things, say things, just to get what they want…their words and their actions DONT EQUATE…so now you are prepared to protect yourself…be aware of the red flags…and when you are in a better place you will no longer want someone like him or anything close to his type of being in your life. The ones whose promises and actions fall short… still so proud of you for working through it and expressing where you are on your journey… finding yourself, knowing yourself, protecting yourself, empowering yourself to say HELL NO, I WILL NOT TAKE BAD TREATMENT OR PHYSICAL ABUSE OR EMOTIONAL ABUSE FROM ANYONE…ID RATHER LIVE LIFE AS ONE THAN BE IN “A BAD FOREVER” WITH SOMEONE!!!! xoxo
Wish I had more time to write, but first let me say I think Liane reveals a great and important understanding here.
I was immediately concerned about PTSD after a fairly brief year-long encounter with a sociopath (I know some of you have been entangled and enmeshed for years, sometimes with little choice in the matter, which must be heartbreaking). I discussed my concern with a psychiatrist who said he would be more concerned about someone who wanted to just sweep it all under the rug and move on without processing. THAT almost assures PTSD!
But how to process? Several things converged to help me.
I have a healthy support system of family and friends that was only partly undermined by the Sociopath. One of my friends said (as I have probably shared here before) “Don’t let what SHE does change who YOU are.” Very important.
I also chose to act, not to be passive. It would have been easy to REact by fighting back or trying to expose her in some way, but what I needed most was healing for my Self and forgiveness of myself. The Sociopath who succeeds in getting you to focus on her (or him) has defeated you already. I was angry, insulted and humiliated, but I refused to be defeated; and in my daily actions I manifested gratitude for those things in life that I continue to enjoy. I highly recommend this way of healing.
Finally, and maybe most importantly, I reached beyond myself to be compassionate toward others. I did this partly by engaging in online support groups for “victims” of sociopaths/psychopaths, recognizing that my own empathy was THE human quality that makes me able to rise above anything a sociopath can do or say.
I did all this without benefit of medication, and I think that kept me mindful of how well I was healing within and without. Your mileage may vary! But if you are taking medication, I believe it’s important to view it as a way of buffering your thoughts and feelings and not a way that you can avoid them.
Healing requires that we confront ourselves unafraid, accept ourselves completely and turn our backs on The Other.
Be well,
Jeff
ThePeregrine…
“”Healing requires that we confront ourselves unafraid, accept ourselves completely and turn our backs on The Other.””
Well said, absolutely hit home and registered with me. Find ourselves again…we are not in this world for anyone but ourselves…we truly can only rely on ourselves and protect ourselves and never let anyone have control over ourselves or our lives…. easier said than done once “Sucked in ” by an S/P/N….but they key is to STOP. CHANGE DIRECTION. AT ALL COSTS OR IT JUST GETS WORSE… GET OUT AND STAY OUT… Where theres a will theres a way!!!!!!!!!
James: I had a long conversation with a clinical psychologist who does neurofeedback that literally changes the pattern of brainwaves that we use when we think. Diffuse anxiety can be seen in a “brain map” — an image that is constructed from the frequencies and amplitudes of those frequencies in our brains. Each of us has our own fundamental “signature” of a brain map, but a good clinician can see, from the patterns, indications that point to a person living in a high state of anxiety, such as living with PTSD.
“Talk therapy” can certainly be helpful as we’re trying to get back on our feet, but it really gave me a greater awareness of the level of this trauma when I realized that I was dealing with neurological as well as psychological damage.
About a year ago I read of a study done on high-school girls who suffered concussions while playing school sports. The study looked at the recovery time and the outcome of recovery depending on how quickly the girls resumed their academic load. The girls who didn’t go back to school for awhile, and gave their brains a long rest, recovered well. The girls who rested for a week or two, and then took up a reduced level of academic work also recovered well. The girls who jumped back into the schoolwork full force did not recover as quickly, and even suffered permanent long-term damage. A concussion is a trauma to the brain. I believe that we have also suffered trauma to the brain and should learn from these other examples.
As I said in my previous post, I found this in my notes from that conversation with the psychologist: “““Trauma from interacting with a psychopath is not just psychological, it’s NEUROLOGICAL!”
Rune,
You are so right about the trauma to the brain theory… I recently met the head of neurology at Childrens Hospital in Philadelphia. My son participated in his latest study/research regarding EXACTLY what you stated above…while my son was in the hospital recovering from his skull fracture and concussion I allowed him to partake in the program (lots of computer generated tests memorization, cognitive recollection, number sequences, etc… my son then had to return six weeks after to “retake the test”…. the results for some were not the same as my sons…others tests scores were markedly lower after the six weeks (indicating that the healing time/down time necessary after a concussion VARIES for SO MANY…and the study showed that many jump back into sports, education, and thier lifestyles WAY TOO SOON…leading to other complications (inability to focus, ADHD, learning problems…) THE BRAIN NEEDS TIME TO HEAL. Not only from blunt force but from forceful S/P/N’s that poison our system with their toxic ways!!!
Bopeep: I understand. I went through something similar with someone who was destroying things behind my back. People don’t want to believe that it’s possible, but I absolutely know that it is.
And I know that it’s “unbelievable” that your mother would treat you this way, but I also know mothers who are like that. (I hope you know that her lack of caring is because SHE is lacking, not because you are unworthy.)
Your story is heartbreaking. I want to believe that there is some solution other than you going back into this “spider’s” web. I fear for your future, and for your children.
Is there any chance that you could find help through domestic violence resources? I know you may not have thought of your situation that way, but perhaps someone in that area might understand your story. With your 5 children, you may qualify for services that can help you get back on your feet. I know that it’s hard to consider that, but the alternative of going back with the S is so frightening.
Janes! Whoa, there – I like it – the “dating Psychos” site – whoo whee – there are so many of them listed…(like WE didn’t know that.) I like the layout of the site as well as the fact that you can report them, and upload a pic.
Great link! Thanks
Bopeep–I’m so very sorry to hear about your struggles and betrayal. It is truly remarkable what havoc sociopaths are able to wreak, without any consequences to them.
There are some wonderful people on this site who have been through similar things and they have excellent, practical advice to give; I hope you’re able to find not only solace and support here, but pragmatic strategies for your painful, scary situation as well.
Bopeep:
Welcome! You are in with a chance! Because you have found the place where there are many just like you and we have “made it” out.
First you need to get knowledge. (Read the archives). Whilst doing that you need to plan your escape. Why?
Because if you go back to him (on any level), you will lose, (in this order):
1. Your sanity
2. Your children
3. Your life.
A shelter is a billion times better than having that happen, don’t you think? Shelters are not as bad as you think. They are very temporary and they will give you the means to get up on your own and with out him.
If you look to him for security, you know in your hear it is committing suicide. He will give you the opposite of security.
If you can’t do it for yourself. Then do it for your kids. Go to a shelter with all the kids and give up work and get a woman there to help you make a plan to get rid of him out of your life. I am deadly serious. It will only be temporary discomfort. You MUST get out to survive. We have all been through it. And we got out and got “secure”, kids’ n all.
P.S. The pain killers are not killing your children’s pain. And
They are just making you be “behind the eight ball” because you are not alert to the devastation going on around you. They are making you dull and zombie like. You need to be able to think ahead. Go to your doctor and ask him about anti depressants and what you should really be on.