When I was a med student, I studied animal models for human stress and depression. The best animal model of what a psychopath does to others is that of the rodent resident-intruder paradigm. In this model, males are introduced into the home territory of other males, they experience social defeat and are removed before they are injured. Repeated exposure to this situation produces a defeated animal who is chronically submissive and gives up without a fight whenever he encounters other males. Below is the posture of a defeated mouse.
The physiology of this defeated rodent resembles human depression very closely. The defeat state can be reversed with antidepressants. Defeat is associated with elevated stress hormones, immune dysfunction and learned helplessness.
I think it is important to know that the potential to develop the defeat mentality exists within us. In humans this mentality takes on a more sophisticated form. When defeated many people become enveloped by what I call “the victim identity.”
Identity or self concept means how you think about yourself and how you think others perceive you. Identity and self concept always includes some component of how dominant or socially potent we consider ourselves to be. Social status is another related part of the self concept.
An encounter with a sociopath/psychopath often leaves a person defeated in every sphere of life. The status, reputation, career, finances that took a lifetime to build vanish. The victim is left in limbo, not knowing how to put the pieces together.
It is in this limbo that the victim identity develops. A person who used to be financially well off and productive having lost everything now adjusts to that loss by defining him/herself as “victim”. This victim identity is further supported by the constant pain and anxiety the person feels. Why do I hurt? Why have I lost? Why am I defeated? I experience all these things because I am a victim.
The minute I say, “I am a victim.” That word victim becomes part of my self definition. There is a certain comfort in the victim identity. It helps a person explain and cope with their external reality and internal symptoms.
The danger in the victim identity is that it will come to be the totality of a person’s self-definition. Once this happens, the victim stops living, and is like the defeated mouse, assuming the posture at every challenge.
I challenge you today to consider the place your identity as a victim has in terms of your total self-definition. Is the trauma the first thing you think of when you think of yourself? Are you being fair to yourself when you identify with your victim status? Perhaps you have a good deal more living to do than your victim identity will allow?
It is important to be whole. That means the part of you who is/was a victim gets integrated with the other parts. “Victim” has to become just a piece of the puzzle that is you.
I confess that I am aware of my victim identity most in the company I choose to keep. I feel most comfortable relating to other people who understand psychopaths and what they do. If that also describes you realize that is a sign of victim identity. It is important to acknowledge these tendencies and balance them by having friends who are not victims or family members of psychopaths/sociopaths.
It is especially important to spend time with functional families/couples who love and care for each other.
Try never to take pride in your status as a victim or use it as an excuse for dysfunction. If you experience symptoms of PTSD, that is a challenge to overcome not a curse you are condemned to live with.
Ask yourself today if you really want to be like that poor defeated mouse.
For another opinion and further discussion of the victim identity see The Line between Victims and Abusers (although I do not agree with all Dr. Stosny says here).
redheeler
Dr. Leedom-
Were any attempts made to reverse the victim posture through training or re arranging the male dominated environment? Did the depressed mice attract more abuse because of their submissive nature and posturing? Did the posture alone make the dominant males combative?
I teach the abused dogs I receive boundaries immediately. Allow consequences for violating boundaries, rewards for respecting me, themselves & other pack members. The results are exciting. They begin to mature rapidly-the part of their development that appears to have gotten arrested from abuse. They lose the downtrodden posturing and traits that develop fear biters. When they show signs of self respect, the more alpha-type members of the group begin to treat them differently. Ultimately, the alphas lose interest and seek out other entertainment.
I learn much from the social order I see the dogs forming with each newcomer. In all fairness-they teach me.
Liane Leedom, M.D.
redheeler-
I too have learned a great deal from dogs. Yes the state is reversable in an otherwise healthy animal. What I found in my own research was that untreated diabetes mellitus produced the defeat state. There is a strong endocrine basis to it- the stress hormones which are elevated in diabetes, cause the defeat mentality.
christie lee
Hello….I truly love my S as well, and I was the last in a long line of his victims. Knowing this does not take away the pain of knowing that I was blind to it all….I feel as dumb as a box of rocks. and I seemed to have lost my ability to just “be myself” People who have not seen me in years have asked me what is wrong, when I thought I was acting normally. Will this bastard always show on me? My daughter, who is 25 told me that I have not been the same since a man I loved died 5 years ago. I have to wonder if having that tragedy happening in my life so long ago lead me right into the arms of my S. I know that having love in my life is important, but my desire to be loved seems to have left me blind as a bat. I hate how I feel, I need so much to be able to get back to a point where I do not feel afraid to take chances. I cannot breathe. All I do is sleep, even though he is always lurking in my dreams, hurting me still. He has shot me dead three times and I awake even more afraid. I want him gone!!!!!
Ox Drover
Dear Dr. Leedom,
Whenn I was in family medical practice, part of my job was to do the diabetic teaching and monitoring for the clinic, and frankly, I did a much better job than the physicians, because I took much more time to work with the patients.
I never thought of it that way, but I can see you are right that untreated DM I or II (or very poor control for whatever reason) does cause a depression and/or a defeat mentality.
My late husband had type II and was NOT compliant, I actually adjusted his medication daily as he would just NOT eat like he was supposed to and by CONTINUAL MONITORING I kept his HA1-C well controlled, but I could TELL when his sugar was “out of whack” very much by his mental and emotional behavior….he was cranky as a bear because his sugar was out of control, I always thought it was because he “felt bad” and when a person doesn’t feel well physically, they are cranky, but I think it was more than just “feeling bad”—-gooooood point!
I realized that I was taking responsibility for HIS health, but I figured in the end, it was easier than him having a stroke, losing his kidneys or feet….and he did cooperate with being tested 4-8 times a day. LOL
Redheeler, Dogs DO teach us a great deal don’t they?!
Tilly
Christie lee:
You need to go for a long time without a partner, so that you will eventually be able to attract someone who is healthy, ie mentally and emotionally.
You are not ready to “take chances” and your “desire for love” is unrealistic. You have the Cinderella syndrome big time and you are looking for romantic love that never lasts long. And is usually needy and selfish.
It doesn’t work that way.
You can get loved here, although it may not be the sort you want, it is the sort you need. Its called tough love.
But its real love. Not pretend love like a psychopath or cluster B’s love. Its conditional. The condition is that you look at yourself and your desires and take responsibility for both. There is no big tit in the sky for us to drink off here. But there is a lot of help through God’s Grace in the disguise of other survivors.
learnthelesson
Christie Lee,
Im sorry for your loss 5 years ago…if you were unable to fully recover from the loss than perhaps your vulnerabilities were heightened at the time of meeting the S and he may have taken full advantage of where you were in your own life.
Many of our own desires to be loved seemed to have left us blind as a bat too…What I am learning is TO BE LOVED BY MYSELF, TO LOVE MYSELF first and foremost…Not is a selfish way, but in a rewarding and fulfilling way that I never need to yearn to be loved..but able to allow love into my life when there are no red flags or dangerous insecurities on my part…
Sleeping too much may be a sign of depression so you may want to look into that. Once you go through the process and begin to focus on Christie Lee and what Christie Lee needs and wants ( cuz it certainly isnt a BAD MAN BACK in your life)…but once you figure out if you are depressed or if you are staying in a place of the past too long, or if you need to talk and share what you are feeling, once you start to get answers about yourself your load will feel lighter and lighter.
You were involved in a toxic relationship so everything is off balance. Maybe start a journal and continue to read the blogs here and look inward to what it is Christie Lee wants and deserves. You have yourself, your children, your life…he was a bad man who is gone…he wont “show on you” when you are ready for him to stop taking up space in there!
Hang in there…keep sharing your story and your journey…you are going to be ok…it just takes alot of time and self TLC!!!
learnthelesson
The Hypoglycemic Syndrome – Insulin Resistance (IR) – is a common factor associated with mood disorders. Unstable blood sugar levels affect to supply of biological energy to the brain which depends entirely on proper energy levels to manufacture the feel good neurotransmitters, such as serotonin. This supply is disrupted when a person suffers from IR. A brain starved of proper levels of sugar sources will trigger the release of adrenaline and other stress hormones, that are responsible for most symptoms of “mental illness”.
Rosa
Tilly:
“There is no big tit in the sky for us to drink off here.” 🙂
I love your one-liners!!!! You are cracking me up again today!!
P.S. Who needs alchohol with comedy like this?!?! 🙂
learnthelesson
Tilly,
I just read your above post to Christie Lee, I think I went to write my post to her at about the time you posted… while I think we were both trying to express the same support and advice to Christie Lee…you have the best WAY WITH WORDS….next time Im out looking at the constellations I am going to proclaim there is no Big Tit In The Sky…so dont bother looking for it…EVER!!! Enjoy your spot on posts!!
Ox Drover
Dear Christie Lee,
My husband was killed in a plane crash july of 2004, I too suffered and wanted “love” and boy did I get “it”—in the form of a psychopathic man that I fell for, HOOK. LINE AND SINKER! I SWALLOED IT WHOLE! After 8 months I kicked his sorry arse to the curb, but cried and cried and felt like I would be “lonely forever” but you know, here I am, almost 5 years out and not a man in sight that i would have on a platter, baked, with an apple in his mouth, and you know what, I am NO LONGER LONELY. I still have the memories of my good times with my husband who is gone, and I am HAPPY IN THE NOW, happy with myself (most of the time! LOL) and not at all “needy” and you know, if I never find another man to love that I can respect and loves me back, it is SURE BETTER THAN LOWERING MY STANDARDS AND TAKING ON A LOSER!
Hang in there Christie Lee, we can be WHOLE without a man! (((hugs)))))