There is a form of writing which has been shown to have remarkable effects on research subjects’ well-being, social functioning, and cognitive abilities. The best-known of the scientists who study ‘expressive writing’ is James W. Pennebaker, chair of the Department of Psychology at the University of Texas. Pennebaker and several others around the world have found that a short series brief exercises of this particular form of writing about emotional upheavals can improve physical and mental health.
An early study
In his accessible book Opening Up: The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions (free chapter here) Pennebaker describes an early experiment. Fifty students were asked to write for 20 minutes a day for four consecutive days. Half were to write about superficial matters; the other half about a traumatic event. Blood was drawn the day before writing commenced, after the final session, and six weeks later. Results. 1. Compared to the superficial writers, the students who wrote about trauma reported feeling sadder and more upset after each day’s writing. 2. Those who wrote about trauma had improved immune function (T-lymphocytes). This was highest the last writing session, but persisted for six weeks. 3. The number of visits to the health centre dropped among those who wrote about trauma. (See below for other effects found in subsequent studies.)
This is likely to seem to be a claim of magic, so let’s go back a step. “Having any type of traumatic experience is associated with elevated illness rates; having any trauma and not talking about it further elevates the risk.” Many readers of Lovefraud have testified to this; they name multiple instances of physical and mental ailments which they date to their stressful and traumatic relationships with psychopaths. And they describe multiple ways of working through it all including participating in internet sites like this one. If non-expression is bad for one, expression might conceivably be good – but exactly what kind of expression matters enormously.
The method
Writing about emotional upheavals in our lives can improve physical and mental health. Although the scientific research surrounding the value of expressive writing is still in the early phases, there are some approaches to writing that have been found to be helpful. Keep in mind that there are probably a thousand ways to write that may be beneficial to you. Think of these as rough guidelines rather than Truth. Indeed, in your own writing, experiment on your own and see what works best.
Getting Ready to Write
Find a time and place where you won?t be disturbed. Ideally, pick a time at the end of your workday or before you go to bed.”¨”¨Promise yourself that you will write for a minimum of 15 minutes a day for at least 3 or 4 consecutive days.”¨”¨Once you begin writing, write continuously. Don’t worry about spelling or grammar. If you run out of things to write about, just repeat what you have already written.”¨”¨You can write longhand or you can type on a computer. If you are unable to write, you can also talk into a tape recorder.”¨”¨You can write about the same thing on all 3-4 days of writing or you can write about something different each day. It is entirely up to you.”¨”¨What to Write About
Something that you are thinking or worrying about too much.
Something that you are dreaming about.
Something that you feel is affecting your life in an unhealthy way.
Something that you have been avoiding for days, weeks, or years.
Researchers have found which aspects of this writing are vital and which can be varied – and by how much.
- ‘Writing’ – It turns out that writing with pen and paper, typing on a keyboard, and even ‘writing’ without marking the page (e.g. with the nib retracted) each work fine. (Indeed, female participants do better with the latter method in that they feel freer to use curse words). Even speaking (in this free-form way) into a dictaphone while in bed helped participants to sleep. Importantly, thinking about the trauma showed none of the benefits – some form of expression is crucial.
- Free expression – While the mechanics of the expression can vary, the form of the expression should not. The writing must be ‘free’ – continuous, unencumbered, uncensored. It is helpful to write with the intention of destroying the pages afterwards – if no-one, not even oneself is to read them one may feel more able to let go.
- Frequency – Once a day on three consecutive days was as effective as once an hour for three consecutive hours all on one day. The crucial factors are the regularity (no more than 24 hr gaps) and a frequency of no less than three and no more than four sessions.
- Duration – Writing sessions of not shorter than 15 minutes and not longer than 20 minutes work fine.
Some important Don’ts
- Don’t do too soon after a trauma – It is very important to let one’s normal adaptive mechanisms (including rumination and obsessing) do their healing work. In other words, it is completely normal and even necessary to struggle somewhat after experiencing trauma or emotional upheaval. Only if the symptoms persist after 3-6 months might something like expressive writing be called for.
- Don’t do for more than four days – this particular form of writing, says Pennebaker, shouldn’t be used in an ongoing fashion. It takes one down emotionally at first – one’s system must be given a chance to pick up again.
- Don’t do if it seems too much to tackle – Expressive writing is meant to help not hurt.
- “Despite the large number of promising studies, expressive writing is not a panacea.” — Pennebaker and Chung
- Disclaimer – You will appreciate that I am not in a position to give psychological or medical advice in this forum. This post is not a recommendation but rather food for thought. If it makes sense to you, please discuss it with a mental health professional.
Write unhappy, think happy
The magazine Scientific American Mind summarises the field of expressive writing. It refers to a study which tested three forms of retelling an experience: telling it or writing it proved therapeutic, merely thinking about it, though, “created chaos: events, images and emotions became intertwined, leading people to relive the experience – with the danger of becoming lost in the misery all over again.” (I have referred to this phenomenon as rumination.)
It is noteworthy that ruminating about happy or good things makes one happier (ruminating about unpleasant things, as we’ve seen, is bad for one); conversely, writing about happy things somewhat spoils them (while writing about unhappy things is therapeutic). Note: this refers only to free-form writing.
Any comments? I’d love to hear them.
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Some other research findings
Here are some illustrative points from a 2007 review of the field by Pennebaker and Chung:
- significant drops in physician visits among relatively healthy samples
- beneficial influence on immune function in beneficial ways, including t-helper cell growth (using a blastogenesis procedure with the mitogen PHA), antibody response to Epstein-Barr virus, and antibody response to hepatitis B vaccinations
- skin conductance levels are significantly lower during the trauma disclosures
- systolic blood pressure and heart rate drops to levels below baseline following the disclosure of traumatic topics but not superficial ones
In short, when individuals talk or write about deeply personal topics, their immediate biological responses are congruent with those seen among people attempting to relax. McGuire, Greenberg, and Gevirtz (2005) have shown that these effects can carry over to the longterm in participants with elevated blood pressure. One month after writing, those who participated in the emotional disclosure condition exhibited lower systolic and diastolic blood pressure (DBP) than before writing. Four months after writing, DBP remained lower than baseline levels.
- attitude, stereotyping, creativity, working memory, motivation, life satisfaction, and school performance all changed for the better
- students who write about emotional topics evidence improvements in grades in the months following the study
- senior professionals who have been laid off from their jobs get new jobs more quickly after writing
- university staff members who write about emotional topics are subsequently absent from their work at lower rates than controls
- self reports also suggest that writing about upsetting experiences, although painful in the
days of writing, produces long-term improvements in mood and indicators of well-being
compared to controls
The “invisible” pain, and without the support of the community as in other “tragedies”—or even with the censure of the community—“Well, after all if you had been a good parent you would not have an evil monster for a son” —etc. makes the “writing it down” one of the few outlets we have for our emotions.
I felt trapped—how could I go out and tell my friends “Hey,guess what, my kid just murdered a girl”? Of course my two or three closest friends knew, and were supportive, but I had I felt to “keep up a face” in public.
Keeping up my own mask of “everything is okay” was very energy comsuming and during the first three months when I effectively locked myself in the house, writing it down was the only outlet I had.
Now I go back and read those writings, and it doesn’t seem like it is “me”–but the plot of some movie I saw or some book I read—the painful emotions are no longer there, I can look at it more from an “outside” position as far as my son is concerned now.
Having dealt with several Ps within my close family, as well as having dated one after my husband died, it does not matter what the relationship to the P is–whether it is your son, daughter, mother, father, sibling or S/O, the con is the same, the pain is the same. They hold out the “carrot” to you, and when you are hooked, they start with the “stick.” But it is all about CONTROL and deceit.
If they don’t kill your body, they surely kill your soul, or try to. Setting boundaries and sticking to them, defending them with your life if necessary, is the only way to keep them at bay. They are predators and their blood lust is never satisfied. Some are more viscious than others, more willing to do physical damage or financial damage, or to break the law than others, but they are all evil.
Since I am retired, I don’t have to work around the ones at work, or tolerate their games. In my personal life I have gone NC with every single last one of them. It is the only punishment that you can give them is to totally ignore them. Ignoring them, refusing to give in to their manipulation is the only thing in the world that frustrates them and “drives them up a wall”—especially ones like my son, who are so rage-filled at anyone who “has their number” that if he were out he would be a serial killer and/or stalker.
When you have been around them (especially multiple ones) it seems to me that the closest analogy is that you are literally swimming with the sharks and crocodiles. No matter which way you turn, there is no safety.
When my husband was killed I and my step dad was dying with cancer at the same time (I was his primary caregiver) I had so much community support, and I recalled the time with my son when my grief was at least as deep, my sense of loss as much, and I had NO community support. I was ALONE, even my wonderful husband (who was also devestated) could not comfort me. WRiting it down let me put it in perspective I think, let me put the jumble into some sort of order.
I think because we have looked Satan himself directly in the eye, our view points have changed from before we really understood just how evil “ordinary” people can be—it doesn’t have to be a third-world dictator, or a Hitler, they are just Ps on a larger scale—but having seen the evil, we are forever changed, but at the same time, it can make us more sensitive to other’s pain and increase our compassion for our fellow human beings who are still trapped in pain.
This is my first post although I have been reading this site for a while and it has really helped me understand better what happened to me.
My stepmother is a sociopath and as a child for about 13 years after my father married her, I had to deal with her constant attempts to humiliate and psychologically abuse me. I know how everyone feels when they say they suffered in silence. I couldn’t say anything about the situation because the rest of the family, including my father, denied that anything was wrong. I was the oldest and bore the brunt of her abuse but I didn’t have a soul to turn to who could understand the extent of what was happening to me. I used to tell close friends in school that my stepmother was “very bad” but as a child I had no idea what sociopaths were and thought I was the crazy one, and that it was all in my head.
I could tell them all the little things that she did, but that wouldn’t even begin to descibe the way the sociopath’s mind works and how they plot every single moment how they are going to manipulate the victim.
I feel that for the first time I am beginning to understand what she is and I have finally been able to overcome the depression that has been plagueing me for years after what this woman did to me. From reading all of your posts and the articles on this site, I can’t tell you how much I have been able to heal. I have started to write in my journal about my experiences with her, even those that happened years and years ago, and it is like a weight is lifted from my shoulders. But the biggest stride I have made is writing about it to my dad and having him finally acknowledge what happened. I really feel free and validated after that. Thanks so much for being my sympathetic witnesses and keep posting, this counts as writing too! 🙂
OxDrover…
I so agree with your comment about looking Satan in the eye. I just said to a friend yesterday, ‘once you look directly into the face of evil, you are never the same person again.’
My naivete is gone, and I am grateful for that because I am becoming so much more compassionate towards other people and their problems. I believe this has been one of my life lessons all along… perhaps I could have learned it in a bit of an easier way?? Or maybe this was the only way I would have learned it.
I write and write and write every day. For now, I feel it is my biggest outlet. I write about the memories, the pain, the craziness, all that I am feeling. At some point, my writing will diminish, and I hope that this is the point where I will be able to finally let it go and attempt to move on.
Ariadne… sometimes I have to stop myself when telling friends/family some of the things he’s done to me, because it sounds foolish and they just don’t understand that someone could actually think in such a manipulative way. But, all of us on this site understand that these people truly do plot every moment about how they will proceed with their manipulations. I have been feeling frightened lately just imagining what must go through their minds.
Life will go on and we will all be stronger and more compassionate people. We have to believe there is a reason this has happened to us. It is so hard to be alone with our pain. It would have been much easier to have witnesses and people that publicly acknowledge our pain. Since we do not, I will keep writing until I get it all out, if ever.
Adriane,
Having your father finally VALIDATE the truth of your abuse I am sure must be very healing for you.
I think one of the worst pains for me is that my enabling mother has never validated the pain that my biological father (a first class violent P) put me through. Even though she will say about him “he will lie when the truth will fit better” she choses to believe him and to call me a liar for telling her what he did to me. For so many years I so wanted her to validate my abuse at his hand, just to “believe me” would have been enough.
The last night I saw my NM when the light finally went on in my head that I could not deal with her, that she had as twisted an out look as the Ps, she looked me in the eye with THAT P-LOOK that I have only seen before on my P-son’s face, and on my Biological P-father’s face, and on that photo of Charlie Manson that is so famous, and I realized that she is just as disordered as they are. Maybe she doesn’t meet the “check list” but she is just as incapable of seeing what her behavior and manipulation is doing to her family, or to me.
Recognizing that LOOK, and going NC with her finally, has given me the first true peace I have had in my life. I am no longer trying to please the unpleasable mother, and I went NC with the P-bio-father 40+ yrs ago, so though my biological family is now reduced to my one bio-son and my adopted son, but it is enough. I don’t need anyone in my life that is TOXIC any more than I need a cancerous organ in my body spreading toxins throughout my soul.
Though I wish my mother had validated me, but I realized that I don’t NEED HER VALIDATION to make it true. What is true is true, even if I am the only one that belives it.
I am sorry that you suffered at the hands of this P-woman, but maybe now you are at a place where you can heal and put this behind you. Though I would never “wish” a P on my worst enemy, at the same time, I thnk there is gain to be had by surviving the encounters, in spite of the pain it causes, and taht in the end, we come out better and more understanding people for having suffered through it and survive. God bless you.
Free:
“I have learnt that life is a masquerade. People hide who they really are. I no longer believe that what you see is what you get. Masks cover pain and loss and masks cover evil.”
I would bet, though, that you do not think you are that way. Am I right? Do you feel pretty unfiltered, direct, very “what you see is what you get”? Was thinking about the mask versus the ‘no poker face’ personalities out in the world. People do seem to wear them and I am awful with that kind of thing. Are you able to do that regularly or only when having to deal with something so difficult?
Is that maybe what draws N’s — our lack of ability to comfortably wear any masks?
Maybe we need to look for people who wear less masks, whose masks are lighter and easier to remove than the N’s. Because the N’s mask is like one of those Russian nesting dolls…underneath is just another mask, and another, and another, with nothing at the core.
I got into to trouble by being too open. I don’t advocate being someone you are not, but I know I need to erect huge boundaries.
I just assumed admitting where one is, what is going on would help, would be honest and be received well.
Well, no….when I was lucky the person I spoke to or was open with did not use my confidences against me—when it went bad, well…HERE I AM : )
I hate to be cynical, and cold but I have come to believe GOOD true friends re few and far between. I have to be satisfied where I am and who I am…or else….I can’t go through that again or put those closest to me through that again–including me.
The hardest part for me, this is so freaking shocking to me, is realizing…
I was willing to put up with damn near anything to have friends
I still I have vestiges of malignant optimism, but I realize even the Psychos in my life would be shocked I did considering what they did, one in particular.
What I am tying to say–is I am just coming to terms with the fact I thought it was OK for someone else to mistreat me in sadisitic ways.
And I would forgive w/o them having asked…over and over. When I should have counter-attacked.
Something did eventually snap and I drove them off in a manner the only way they could get in again is me. And I am growing in strength with all the knowledge I getting here.
Just tonight I realized a particular psycho was/is as cold as a man profiled on TV for murdering his wife, chopping her up and recalling in a
jovial manner sending her body parts down a hill in their child’s sled.
That’s how depraved one psycho who victimized me is, shallow emotions, hollow and cold.
Be careful these creatures do objectify and would kill if it suited their need. We know they do.
Oh, Free I was not meaning to come across as grilling you or questioning your need for that type of mask, to mask pain. Apologize so much if that is how it came across in writing. I am so sorry. Sometimes I am not clear enough.
What I was saying/asking in a roundabout way is that maybe some of our magnetic pull from S’paths has to do with the fact we are so open and honest as people and don’t wear masks well or happily, as they do. I was wondering if you would have classified yourself as someone who despises having to hide your emotions, usually.
But I swear nothing I wrote was meant as an attack. We share a lot of similar bad events in our history. The masking of pain begins early in those situations, because it is impossible to accept living in an environment dangerous to you when you are too young and vulnerable to remove yourself physically from that environment, and the people responsible for hurting you are supposed to be the people who love you.
Understand the need to mask pain, because society doesn’t know how to deal with a person in pain. Even those of us who are empathic sometimes have trouble with finding the right way to help or the right words to say.
Anyway, I’m sorry for the way I phrased my questioning.
I have trouble with erecting boundaries that don’t feel like masks sometimes. That was all.
You are free , Free !! That’s the amazing silver lining of going through this…when you finally break away, regardless of how it’s done, there’s an exhilarating rush involved, a sudden, intuitive understanding that help is on the way. In the form of YOU, the you that’s been sublimated and scorned for so long, that’s carrying around shame that doesn’t even belong to you.
What happened to us as kids is not anything we should feel ashamed of, ironically enough. The people who did what they did, they do not feel the shame. We take it on, though…and then when we meet an N, we take on their garbage, too. It’s a temporary exchange: they suck out our light, deposit their darkness. But it never lasts, because a person cannot change their intrinsic goodness or badness, so when we get away, eventually our light comes back and they…well, I don’t know what they do, actually. But our selves return to us. The fog clears and we start feeling things again – starting, usually, with a lot of pain.
Sometimes it feels like we try to take on another’s sorrow and shame because we feel so much empathy in general, but that’s not the same as deserving or owning it.
No need for you to apologize, to me or anyone else. Rereading my late comments last night, I realized they can be read in any tone and they were not at all clear.
You’re incredibly strong to have gone to work, soldiered on while going through this roller coaster life with a S’path. Some days I could not even get out of bed. And even now, months later, I know in my heart that I still have feelings for him — but when we were together, it was clear only one of us was going to survive and thrive in that relationship and it wasn’t going to be me.
So, I choose me. And yet I can’t make myself stop caring about him, despite all I know. Just like I couldn’t stop caring about my family, despite what they did.
It’s ok. It really is ok. We’re only human and we do the best we can with what information we have at the time…we need to give the ownership of the bad behavior back to the people who earned it.
I have been keeping notes since my N started acting up (he has gone now). I was looking back on them last night because at the time, I didnt know who he was and what he was up to and my notes have all the raw information without the label to tie it all together. Here is some of it..
‘I feel neglected and vulnerable, not feeling enough affection, feeling unworthy, undervalued and unsupported. Feeling I hold everything together, while he receives/takes. He wants everything on his terms. He makes overt sexual tease so it all goes into my head and then he cuts me dead. I dont feel exclusive or special, I feel dispensible. He doesnt seem to be interested in me as a person. He never says sorry for anything. he rigidly sticks to his viewpoint and when I bring somethng up he withdraws – punishes. He only cares about me when things are calm. I dont feel special, he keeps telling me about the hints/sexual innuendoes he has made to female work mates and it is annoying. When he text me that he realises what I am worth to him – I got the shudder – he doesnt say what I mean to him – so he is looking at my worth. I am spending considerable time worrying about his activities and whether he is genuine.
Sometimes, I think he does and says things to make me jealous and play on my reactions. If he cant be honest about what goes on in his background, we can never be a couple. He acts like he is number 1, but he doesnt look after himself, so it is not self esteem. He keeps things to himself and I am left wondering why he hasnt revealed himself. I feel like he is living with a part of him in shadow. He is always living in debt. He has a stubborn and unforgiving attitude. Overly responsible at work, is fully committed to that. His way of dealing with things is slow, he bides his time. I want to face problems, but he walks away. I am not getting my needs met on every level.
He doesnt keep me in the picture – I say to him ‘I know you’, he says ‘you dont know me at all’ – what does he mean? He doesnt keep me in the picture. He feels important when in demand by other women and I feel i could be easily replaced. I dont want to invade his privacy, but expect him to discuss, but he doesnt. He is very mistrusting of women, and is very particular who he gets involved with, he seems to have many women as ‘mates’ is that normal? He seems to be tired all the time and doesnt want a complicated relationship and needs alot of space, so his companion must make no demands on him, other than the basics and she must not have a complicated life or ups and downs with children.
He can be a good listener, but doesnt communicate and is emotionally closed and heavy to be with at times. He is exhausting to be with and is not worth the effort. He lies bout things and spends most of his time alone. Even when we get together he demands to be apart for some reason or other. I feel neglected and unwanted. He regulates when he contacts me and leaves days inbetween contact why does he do that? I get anxious and over react and he walks away. I see signs he is not committed and I have doubts about trusting him. Instead of supporting me, he punishes me. Sometimes I feel he is manipulating me, making comments and insinuations to gain the upper hand. He keeps telling me that women are looking at him and it makes me jealous, because I think he is in demand and could leave me.
He says I am good for him, but when I express myself he doesnt accept my differences. I am not convinced that I am the special person he says I am – when we are together he wants to be apart – what is that about? He makes himself the ‘jewel’ in the relationship, like I have to earn the right to be with him by behaving ‘well’. He says I am confrontational and is hinting he can live without me. He tries out different women, like he wants perfection in one person and I dont seem to tick all his boxes, especially when I over react to things he has done. he has strict views about people and doesnt accept people’s imperfections. I allow myself to be hurt by constantly taking him back after a fall out. I give too much without boundaries. I put my needs to the back which allows him to think that he is the kingpin.
He keeps trying to reassure me that he really loves me, but when things go awry, I become suspicious and think the worst. he fuels my fears by his non communication and he guards his privacy . I have tried hard to adapt but I feel starved of affection and I adapted because I love him. I dont know whether he is pushing my buttons and trying to teach me a lesson on purpose. He keeps saying I am his ideal woman, but he doesnt treat me like I am. I find him very secretive and very hard work. I want trust, but he doesnt tell me things about his background – he keeps saying he doesnt have to justify anything. I keep picking up on things and it seems like he is settling for me as giving him security – possibly whilst he has others behind my back. He makes excuses and avoid intimacy. He keeps saying things to me that leave me wondering what he means. I have been too compliant, he seems to control me and keep me at a distance, exalting his presence – like I am privileged to have him. He takes advantage of my kindness and when I put my foot down, he walks out.
He seems to want everything on his terms and regulates how much he puts into the relationship. What does he do and where is he? I make alot of allowances for him, but he doesnt accommodate me. I cant work out whether he is being sneaky or private. He glosses over explanations, doesnt give me the full details. ‘Going for a drink with a MATE’. Not sure if he is genuine or keeping me at arms length. I cant trust him, his explanations. He asks me to pay for drinks – he never has money, spends large amounts with accounting for it. I go to a cleaning job in the evening to make money and I see that he is sitting in the pub. He detaches and doesnt get too close but occ. reassures me, I think he is controlling me. He keeps himself well but he is rather vain. After a break up we get close and then he closes down really quickly. i didnt want to sound controlling, so I didnt put in boundaries about things he was saying that really hurt me. i sit back and watch his behaviour but I am giving him the impression everything is ok. I trusted him to manage his boundaries, but when I find womens phone numbers on his phones, I dont believe the excuses he keeps feeding me’. Why has he got 12 phones?
I have edited out some of it – but it was all there – the red flags – his manoeveurs – his control – his detachment – his punishing me to conform – his witholding details – his creating confusion – his narcissistic qualities. Sorry this is so lengthy, but may be of use to newcomers looking for raw material.
Wow Beverly. This is amazing to look back at isn’t it? Maybe you could submit this to Donna for a Post. This would be a very powerful BLOG entry for new people to come across. It might get lost in the blog comments after a month or two. There is so much here to read.
When I first found this site, I was able to read everything and get up to speed but now it has grown so much it would be a daunting task. I have trouble keeping up as it is.
BTW, I have read that it is a normal reaction for victims of the disordered to start taking notes and tracking their behavior. This is because we are trying to determine a pattern so we can find a way to “fix” what we are doing that might be causing that… because as adults, we are aware of cause and effect. This is why the question “Why” never get’s answered… because the answer is not what we are expecting. We are expecting there to be some sort of cause and therefore a solutions.. something we can fix. The answer is because they are sociopaths or borderlines or Narcissists. etc.
Why do lions eat gazelles? Why can’t the gazelles stop doing whatever it is they do that makes lions eat them. Hmmmm?
I would call your notes, “Notes on a Sociopath” or “Portrait of a Sociopath.” I am amazed when I look back at all the behaviors of the Bad Man. After awhile, I knew something wasn’t right but I just didn’t know what it was.
It is sad to think that right now, there are so many people out there that are asking themselves all these same questions you had about someone who told them they loved them. It’s funny what we will do for “love” isn’t it?
Thank God we are out! Thank God.