Most of the people who will be bad for us are not sociopaths, and so we want our radar to be sharp, not specifically for sociopaths, but for wrong, bad people of every stripe.
True, sociopaths will be terrible people with whom to enter relationships; in the end, though, they will represent a small fraction of a much greater majority of very wrong people for us.
As I suggested in a prior post, there are two keys to protecting ourselves from Mr. or Mrs. WRONG: The first is developing intelligent radar; the second is acting wisely on that radar.
After all, good radar, no less than good CIA intelligence, is useless if it’s ignored or devalued.
Now, are there cases of sociopaths (and the lot of devious personalities) so slick as to be undetectable until after they’ve wreaked their havoc? Of course there are; to suggest otherwise would insult anyone unlucky enough to have crossed paths with such destructive individuals.
Nevertheless, in most cases, the wrong person—sociopath or not—will and does leave clues much sooner than most of us want to admit (until much later).
WRONG, by the way, for whom? The answer, of course, is, YOU!
It is tempting and, at some point, I suggest, unfruitful to get stuck on the suspected psychopathology of a partner (present, or ex). Because when you get right down to it, there are only two diagnoses that really matter: Is this person, for me, RIGHT, and GOOD? Or WRONG, and BAD?
Only we can make this assessment, and it’s our responsibility, of course, to make it as soundly as possible. By soundly I mean being as honest with ourselves as possible, and keeping our best long-term interests uppermost in mind.
What, then, is the first—and, for that matter, second—telltale sign that someone is wrong, and really bad, for you, sociopath or not? (And speaking honestly, should we really need more than a sign or two?)
The answer is, ANY EXPRESSED BEHAVIOR or ATTITUDE that leaves you feeling disarmed or disoriented by its inappropriateness, selfishness and/or insensitivity.
Take great heed of such an experience, because almost always, it is a sign that more are sure to follow. In other words, preparing to bail at this point is a wise consideration.
Specifically, what behaviors and attitudes am I referring to? For starters, how about the first, surprising flash of rage, contempt, arrogance, selfishness, coldness, presumptuousness, dishonesty, indifference, ungratefulness, even denseness; shocking acts of abuse, verbal or physical; and startling failures of empathy, or compassion.
It is really less the behavior or attitude, per se, that screams ALARMING”¦prepare to BAIL!, than the experience of it as, “Where did that come from?”
I stress: It is our job, first, to register these signs; and then immediately to register them as alarmingly ominous.
The question is, Will you be willing to see what you’ve seen? Will you be willing to acknowledge the sobering portent of the display? Or instead, for any of a hundred conveniences, will you find ways to pretend you didn’t see it, and/or minimize the ramifications of what you’ve seen?
It is perfectly fine to ask, What, in a new relationship, should I be watchful for? What are the signs that my new interest may be someone different than advertised? I hope I’ve addressed these questions.
Then again, such questions tend, I think, to promote a view of the world as waiting to unleash upon us ruinous new bogeymen and predators, instead of encouraging us to examine what can be harder, but perhaps more honest, useful, retrospective questions, like, What did I miss? Why did I miss it? And if I registered it, why did I choose to ignore or minimize it?
Insight into, and resolution of, these latter questions can confer the best insurance against future exploitation.
In most (certainly not all) cases, it may be less important to be wary of the next nightmare disguised as Mr. or Mrs. SENSITIVE, than more careful of our always lurking capacity for defenses like denial, rationalization and minimization to blind us to what we don’t want to see, and do.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
My experience with a sociopath was perhaps the biggest life lesson in my life, and many positive fruits came from that one bad ordeal. Not only did I open my eyes to patho’s, but it certainly gave me new, higher levels of boundaries in relationships whether they be romantic or platonic. Pain is a great teacher and motivator…I also looked within my own self and examined my weaknesses, to better understand the why’s and how’s and how’s of it all.
Like with all who are here, the red flags were there from the start, but I lacked the knowledge and experience to fully understand what was happening.
The experience also taught me to really hear what is being said, and see what is being done. One needs to be careful not to over analyze, but a new awareness and insight that I have gathered since my run in with a socio, have been positive things that have better equiped me in all relationships.
One last thing, the experience also changed me in many positive ways, once healing had begun, and one of the biggest ways was my compassion for others. I find it ironic that the very thing that my socio used up and then tried to destroy in me, my heart and capacity to love, has proved to be the very thing that grew stronger….I call that a victory over evil!
“ANY EXPRESSED BEHAVIOR or ATTITUDE that leaves you feeling disarmed or disoriented by its inappropriateness, selfishness and/or insensitivity.
Take great heed of such an experience, because almost always, it is a sign that more are sure to follow. In other words, preparing to bail at this point is a wise consideration.”
I ALMOST did that after the X-S’s first shocking mask slip.. ( a shocking display of psycho- temper for an insignificant “slight” of his EGO) but I allowed myself to be manipulated by his fake apologies, tears and excuses…I could have avoided so much grief and pain…. However like Southernman so wisely stated in his post it was a huge lesson in my life and it is also a case of good over EVIL as I can and do still love my God, my children, my family friends etc. with more intensity and appreciation than ever….
Steve: Did you have a personal experience with a Soc. or did you gain your insight and knowledge from your work?
“Any expressed behavior or attitude that leaves you feeling disarmed or disoriented by its inappropriateness, selfishness and/or insensitivity.”
Amen!!! I haven’t dated yet, but if I ever do I will tattoo this to my arm, so I can lift my sleeve at any moment and remind myself. So on!!
Maybe sometimes we’re just too needy and afraid to be on our own. I’d rather live the rest of my life “alone”, than to ever put up w/ what I lived w/ with my ex-N.
My friends now fulfill my need for companionship. Maybe that will change, but for now I’m happy.
Do I sound bitter:)
I’m easy going to a fault. In some ways, I think it’s a function of laziness. I’ve come to realize that my failure to part company at the first sign of ridiculously bad behavior is a serious shortcoming of mine.
I once knew a woman who whined of abuse 24/7. I never tried to correct her mis-impressions, nor did I distance myself from her. I simply listened to her tales of woe with half an ear, making polite noises and bobbing my head. “How awful. Poor you. That’s too bad.” Our relationship ended when she decided I was persecuting her, (a truly wild confabulation), and convinced everyone in her wide social circle that this was indeed the case. (I always assumed that because I knew her silly tales were wildly innacurate, everyone did. Big surprise!) I should have run from the hills after the first whiny tale of woe, but I was too ignorant to see the eventual consequences of my laziness. She functioned as low level administrator at a local church, and I still get dirty looks from some of the sillier members of that congregation. Yes, they’re dumb clucks, but I’d still rather exchange pleasantries with them than undure their sullen glares. Her paranoid belief that I was persecuting her resulted from her being manipulated by her N husband. If she hadn’t been a Histrionic, she wouldn’t have done such a masterful job of doing his dirty work.
I shoulda known better.
Now I like to think I do.
A girlfriend of mind described her regular conversations with a quintessential “victim” in her life. The whiner would come to her with tales each Sunday. Each Sunday my girlfriend would pose sensible solutions, each of which the “victim” would declare unsatisfactory. The solicitation for her advice followed by the rejection of her advice left my girlfriend regularly feeling angry. My girlfriend quite sensibly began fending off the “victim” with pat remarks like “I’m sure God will show you the way!” and “I’ll pray for you!”. I’m proud of her for learning to fend the “victim” off with platitudes. It’s a low key way to avoid playing the victim’s never ending game. It also reduces the probability that the “victim” will eventually proclaim that my girlfriend is her latest “persecutor”. The less the two women interact, the better for my girlfiend.
There are plenty of people out there who aren’t S or P, but are still very bad news. More importantly, there are problem behaviors out there that we all need to avoid. When there’s no serious mental illness left, we can safely conclude that the problems that remain are not the people, but rather the behavior. For this reason I use the Karpman Drama Triangle and the Durable Triangle to analyze interpersonal dynamics.
Elizabeth,
I had a good friend who used to say she always took a long hard look at women who complained a lot about their husbands! Her reasons were similar to what you are saying, if I am understanding you correctly. They will eventually find fault with everyone, and all friends and acquaintances will eventually get top billing as abusers! Yes, triangles! They tell you what hubby (or someone else) is doing to them, then they run to hubby and tell him what you are doing….most of it inaccurate or twisted to get hubby mad at you!
Wearing, isn’t it!
Eye of the Storm:
Wearing, to say the least.
I think that it’s possible to have good relationships with drama prone people. That being said, I don’t believe I have the required skill set yet. Since I’m 47, maybe I’m unteachable.
Whatever! There other people to enjoy good relationships with. The blunt truth is, I feel immediate anxiety in the presence of a whiner. I want to help them. I want to fix the apparently broken situation. Unfortunately, I have no idea how. Catering to them, which is what I naturally tend toward, is absolutely not the answer. It seems to work for a short while, but in the end it always backfires. I find that when I give them resources to help themselves, they simply ignore those resources. I haven’t been able to figure out how to nurture victims past their problems. It seems that freedom from drama is a choice they have to make on their own. Not only that, but some people who present themselves as whiny victims are actually serious serial bullies. Their victim facade is just a ploy to lure dumb bunnies like me into their game. All I know how to do at this point in my life is get far, far away.
Eye of the Storm
“a good friend who used to say she always took a long hard look at women who complained a lot about …”
I bet you have been warned to avoid gossips, because when they’re not talking to you about other people, they’re talking to other people about you. This is almost universally true.
I have come to see that most whining is actually a slick form of slander. The whiner tells us bad things about their target in a way that we are programmed to accept. If they delivered the slander without the tears and pity plays, we would reject it for what it is. Because we feel pity for the whiner, and because the whiner’s obvious emotional engagement seems like convincing evidence they’ve been wronged, be fall for the slander.
I’ve noticed that real victims of abuse go to great lengths to conceal the abuse, only breaking the news when they’re truly broken and can’t take it any more. I’ve seen women who were black and blue from head to foot who still clung to their pride. Real victims of abuse are a lot quieter than the pretend “victims” who start crazy chit.
be=we.
Chuckle. You’d think I had a head cold from the way I type!
People
Real people talk about ideas
All the others talk about other people!
If you love people you don’t have to talk about them!
If you are dissatisfied with your own life , you will have a need to examine others for their own disfunction , so your own does’nt look so bad, and it’s easy to find fault in others rather than deal with your own!
Concentrate on whats Good and what you have and the blessings you have been given! You’ll be much happier ! Listen , to others , then show them or express the positives that they overlook about them selves. If they refuse then Your wasteing your time! LOVE JJ
Elizabeth and EyeoftheStorm: I think what we learned with our EXs is on the SELFISH scale of 1 to 10, them being definite 10s … what other selfishness do we need to rid our lives of?
I remember I’d always be in awe of my father who could lend an ear to a complainer. Never would my dad give advise to someone who obviously needed to hear corrective answers. I asked him how he did that? Did what he’d answer? I said, how can you sit there for hours and listen to someone complaining and not give them a 100 constructive ways to resolve their problems. He said “Wini, most people already know what to do, they just want to vent and don’t want to hear any advise”. I thought that was totally amazing. I don’t know how he did it, but I saw him do it time and time again.
Peace.