Most of the people who will be bad for us are not sociopaths, and so we want our radar to be sharp, not specifically for sociopaths, but for wrong, bad people of every stripe.
True, sociopaths will be terrible people with whom to enter relationships; in the end, though, they will represent a small fraction of a much greater majority of very wrong people for us.
As I suggested in a prior post, there are two keys to protecting ourselves from Mr. or Mrs. WRONG: The first is developing intelligent radar; the second is acting wisely on that radar.
After all, good radar, no less than good CIA intelligence, is useless if it’s ignored or devalued.
Now, are there cases of sociopaths (and the lot of devious personalities) so slick as to be undetectable until after they’ve wreaked their havoc? Of course there are; to suggest otherwise would insult anyone unlucky enough to have crossed paths with such destructive individuals.
Nevertheless, in most cases, the wrong person—sociopath or not—will and does leave clues much sooner than most of us want to admit (until much later).
WRONG, by the way, for whom? The answer, of course, is, YOU!
It is tempting and, at some point, I suggest, unfruitful to get stuck on the suspected psychopathology of a partner (present, or ex). Because when you get right down to it, there are only two diagnoses that really matter: Is this person, for me, RIGHT, and GOOD? Or WRONG, and BAD?
Only we can make this assessment, and it’s our responsibility, of course, to make it as soundly as possible. By soundly I mean being as honest with ourselves as possible, and keeping our best long-term interests uppermost in mind.
What, then, is the first—and, for that matter, second—telltale sign that someone is wrong, and really bad, for you, sociopath or not? (And speaking honestly, should we really need more than a sign or two?)
The answer is, ANY EXPRESSED BEHAVIOR or ATTITUDE that leaves you feeling disarmed or disoriented by its inappropriateness, selfishness and/or insensitivity.
Take great heed of such an experience, because almost always, it is a sign that more are sure to follow. In other words, preparing to bail at this point is a wise consideration.
Specifically, what behaviors and attitudes am I referring to? For starters, how about the first, surprising flash of rage, contempt, arrogance, selfishness, coldness, presumptuousness, dishonesty, indifference, ungratefulness, even denseness; shocking acts of abuse, verbal or physical; and startling failures of empathy, or compassion.
It is really less the behavior or attitude, per se, that screams ALARMING”¦prepare to BAIL!, than the experience of it as, “Where did that come from?”
I stress: It is our job, first, to register these signs; and then immediately to register them as alarmingly ominous.
The question is, Will you be willing to see what you’ve seen? Will you be willing to acknowledge the sobering portent of the display? Or instead, for any of a hundred conveniences, will you find ways to pretend you didn’t see it, and/or minimize the ramifications of what you’ve seen?
It is perfectly fine to ask, What, in a new relationship, should I be watchful for? What are the signs that my new interest may be someone different than advertised? I hope I’ve addressed these questions.
Then again, such questions tend, I think, to promote a view of the world as waiting to unleash upon us ruinous new bogeymen and predators, instead of encouraging us to examine what can be harder, but perhaps more honest, useful, retrospective questions, like, What did I miss? Why did I miss it? And if I registered it, why did I choose to ignore or minimize it?
Insight into, and resolution of, these latter questions can confer the best insurance against future exploitation.
In most (certainly not all) cases, it may be less important to be wary of the next nightmare disguised as Mr. or Mrs. SENSITIVE, than more careful of our always lurking capacity for defenses like denial, rationalization and minimization to blind us to what we don’t want to see, and do.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Matt, I’m a “jackie of all trades and mistress ofo none” I have a wide range of talents, and one is stripping paint and shellack off old furniture. I’m also a retired registered nurse practitioner, and animal trainer, and I guess I have a bit of a twisted mind.
Once a friend and I were stripping paint and she got a small drop of lye in her eye, and we took a hose and washed it out VERY quickly, yet I could see the small place it was on the white of the eye, a little divot where in only a few seconds that it had been there. That was there forever in my friend’s eye.
When I lived in Florida and started meeting people who had been carjacked, I guess my twisted brain started working and I came up with the EASYOFF solution to muggers and car jackers….before I left Florida every nurse in the hospital where I worked had a can in their car and on every flat surface in their homes! LOL
I just ordered four new books, the Betrayal Bond was one, but “Vampires” is another one on personality disordered, all the different “brands” and signs and symptoms of each. I just started it and it seems like a good one so far. A little bit of humor but a great analogy of psychopaths with the vampires.
As for eyeof the storm’s comments on “high level” Narcissists, I have known quite a few of the William P. “Bill” Lear, the inventer of the Lear Jet and hundreds of other tings including the 8-track tape player, the car radio, etc. (my husband worked for Mr. Lear in the 1960s) and Bill was a womanizer, married 4 times, cheated on them all, but his last wife stayed with him for 35 + years. He was definitely a HIGH level N and very self absorbed, but I honestly don’t think he INTENDED TO HURT OTHERS so much as he didn’t even notice he did. My husband got along well with him and actually liked him very much. He was a good employer.
Oxy I agree with your earlier comment about there being unscrupulous people in every profession.
When it comes to therapists there are even more aspects to it. One aspect is that many therapists are generalists, kind of like a family practioner doctor. If you want to see them about a specialized issue then you will want to find a therapist who specializes in the area. Much like your family doctor would be helpful with an illness but he would also have you see a specialist if you had a specific illness such as cancer.
One of the things I am sometimes critical about on some of the sites out here that discuss various personality disorders is that I see therapists put in procrustean bed because of the actions of a few.
At the same time I am even more critical of the profession because of, what appears to me anyway, the amount of pseudoscience being allowed in and the potential harm to people it causes.
There is a book out there that has a very good chapter on consumer guidelines for selecting and evaluating a therapist and therapy in general. It is called Navigating the MindField – A guide to separating Science from Pseudoscience in Mental Health. Now the book is obviously not about psychopaths but the chapter on consumer guidelines I think is very good. It has not just a list of questions to ask but also examples and explanations. I think the evaluation questions, examples and explanations are something that every person should have. The examples I have read just in this thread may have been much different if they had this information to evaluate the therapist and therapy.
I urge everyone to seek out someone who has specialized knowledge, training and experience. It is the similar to the difference between seeing your family physician or the oncologist.
BloggerT,
AS USUAL, you have a great comment and some good advice!
Why don’t you take some of that information and write us an article on that!!!!
You are so right, I went to a PTSD specialist for my PTSD and got great results.
BloggerT7165, It is really difficult to locate someone who has any specialty in sociopaths or psychopaths. When I had my final split with the P I tried calling various organizations and even emailed a Psychology Prof. who worked in the psych dept of my local university and had written several papers on psycopathy and he didn’t know anyone in the area with any speciality in this either, and he told me someone with speciality would be difficult to find.
But with that said, I know there is one therapist out there who does get it and that is Sandra Brown, co-author of “Women Who Love Psychopaths”. When I found her, I went for some one on one sessions with her and it really was one of the best things I did. Although it is pricey to pay all at one time, when you consider the price of therapy spread out over a period of time, then compare, she is actually very inexpensive. Especially when you consider the results. If I had not seen her I am not altogether sure that I would have been able to stick to the no contact and also withstand the smear campaign, especially when p began calling my Mother. She is very nice, easy to talk to, gives you loads of info, and will also shoot any whining excuses for why you can’t do no contact or any other lame excuse you have for your behavior right out of the water, and has practical advice (that actually works) for how to handle things.
I really need to start a fan club for Sandra Brown. lol
BloggerT, Jen and Oxy: I was really lucky with the two therapist I went to. The first was a psychiatrist during my suit because my employers insisted I see our Employee Assistant therapists for which I refused. One, because I knew I was being set up by my managers. Two, because I knew EAP was selling employees out and telling the bosses what our Achilles heals were so that we could be done under with what we told them. So, just to go along, I went to a psychiatrist who was a very competent and compassionate man. I later learned that this man was so in demand it’s amazing that I ever got an appointment. Amazing, I lucked out with this man … as a patient of his I was able to fill in the blanks for how ruthless anti-socials personalities did their employees in. He could not reveal this but I knew from the questions he asked me were above and beyond what an average therapist would ask. I was helping in what he already knew how ruthless those personalities were towards their subordinates. The 2nd therapist I went to was freebie sessions from my sister’s employment…. when I fist found out about my EX being the same personalities as my bosses. This woman too was a very compassionate person. Both doctors never looked at me like I was the problem and worked with me how I was handling what was dumped into my life.
Both individuals I give the highest recommendations and sworn confidence anyone could give and consider both to be Angels on Earth. I for one am grateful that these two individuals are in the field they choose and were there for me in my time of need.
Was I blessed to run into both therapist that were competent and compassionate individuals? Yes I was.
Peace.
It is so interesting to read people’s comments. I wonder if we could start some sort of references for clinicians in various parts of the U.S. (and the U.K.), who are knowledgable and experienced with sociopaths, and sociopath survivors.
I wonder if Sandra Brown can make referrals. I’ll check to see if she has a website.
It sounds like therapists can potentially be damaging to people like us if they don’t have experience with this area. As I’ve written about, and have others, my therapist encouraged me to work things out, look at myself and my own dysfunctional thoughts and behaviors – which, granted, is normally the right thing to do, but the COMPLETELY WRONG thing to do if you are in a relationship with a sociopath. You are so beaten down at that point, the last thing you need to do is discuss what’s wrong with YOU in treatment. You need to learn about the Sociopath, and how you need to GET OUT…his/her behavior is outrageous and he/she cannot be negotiated with…and you need help recovering. And its a unique process.
And, as I’ve said before, my therapist is very good – and has been just brilliant in helping me deal with various challenges over the years. But in working with me and my relationship with the S, I give her a D+. Eventually, when he started the stalking behaviors, she was very supportive of no contact. That’s the only reason she gets a passing mark
Thank you Wini and if people wanted that I would be glad to do so and submit it to Donna.
Healing Heart – I think that it is a unique healing process for everyone who has been a victim of offenders who have manipulated, exploited and abused them, regardless of what label is put on the offender.
I think it is more important to seek a therapist that has experience working with clients who have been abused, exploited and manipulated by offenders no matter what the label of the person may be of the offender.
When working with a person who has been exploited, manipulated and abused I am more interested in what the offender has done or not done rather than what they are. And I say this because it is a unique process for each person. 2 people may experience the same traumatic event and respond/cope with it in very different ways. So again I am more interested in what was done/not done that in what they may be (to a point). Of course knowing what was done/not done is a pretty good indicator of what they are 🙂
But I think this is also where Steve hit the nail on the head when he said It is tempting and, at some point, I suggest, unfruitful to get stuck on the suspected psychopathology of a partner (present, or ex). Because when you get right down to it, there are only two diagnoses that really matter: Is this person, for me, RIGHT, and GOOD? Or WRONG, and BAD? I could not agree more.
I also wanted to comment on people blaming themselves for missing things and others (like family and friends) who blame them for missing things that the con man did to us. And ALL abusers are con men some just use violence and some do not but they all are con men.
Being human means that we deal with trusting others in certain ways. We trust the person sitting next to you in the diner not to hit you over the head and steal your steak. You trust that the waitress didn’t just poison your food for fun. We take shortcuts in learning who and what to trust based on experience. You have been to diners for many years and never been conked in the head or poisoned so you naturally trust the experience and people there. Of course this is a lie we are all telling ourselves because the truth is that the waitress very well could poison us, the person in the next booth could conk us on the head and steal our steak.
There is a saying “birds of a feather” and this is true when we are looking at trust. When we are consistently with groups of people who share certain characteristics like at church, or hobby groups, blogs, online games, dating, etc, we tend to see each other as like minded. Our brains often then create a shortcut that creates a sense that these people share our values and can be trusted. When the abuser/con gains our trust because they may be from one of these groups or brain often makes the natural jump to believe this will be a good experience. It is even worse when it is a group because if the “con” has gained the trust of some of the individuals in the group by apearing trust worthy and harmless it reinforces the notion to the entire group and us that they are indeed harmless and makes overlooking the initial red flags much more likely. This is why the cons they pull work so well. They prey on relationships that have already overcome defenses.
With that said I agree with Steve for the need to be honest with ourselves and develop the skills needed to overcome even the “con”. Personally I trust almost no one completely. And that may sound awful but it really isn’t if you about. There are levels of trust that most of us have. I trust the mechanic to have my car and keys while he is working on it but I certainly do not trust him to care for my children where as I may trust a relative to watch my children I still do not trust them as much as I would if my spouse is doing so. And other than myself the only person I trust completely is my spouse. But of course since we got married during the last extinction event while watching the dino’s die off, I think we have been together long enough to justify the trust. And if she is a psychopath she is the best I have ever met as she is still in the “con” stage after all this time 🙂
Well said, BloggerT – I loved your diner example..it made me laugh, the head-conking and steak-stealing, but what a terrific example! Point well made.
As for not trusting anyone – I feel the same way. It may sound bad, at first, saying something like “I don’t trust anyone fully,” but the fact is you shouldn’t. Everybody let’s everybody down at some point in some way. It may be intentional, it may not, but we all blow it every once in awhile, even with the people we love.
The scariest thing for me was losing trust in myself. My experience with the S made me question how trustworthy I was at keeping myself out of harm’s way. Yes, these guys are cons, terrific cons, but not everybody falls for them…only a minority of us actually do. Part of the lesson for me in all of this is to learn to take better care of myself so that I can trust myself to take care of me. What a scary place the world is when you think you can’t even trust yourself!
And, although everyone let’s you down once in a while…the sociopath distinquishes him(her)self by being completely untrustworthy. They don’t blow it, make a slip, take on too much, they are untrustworthy through and through. So learning not to trust these people specifically is so critical.
I actually thought my ex S was more trustworthy than others. In retrospect I see that I put my life in his hands. I put my happiness, my self-esteem, and my life-meaning, in the hands of one individual. Truth is, I shouldn’t do that with anyone. It would always be a mistake – but putting myself in the hands of an S, that was a nearly fatal mistake.
Thanks for your words BgrT, and everyone here. These posts are so helpful for me.
Oddly enough the steak bit is based on a true story from when I was much younger. Here is what happened and I must guilty admit is one of the funniest things I have ever witnessed in my life:
A co-worker and I were out in a Western State for a few weeks for work related stuff.
He and I were walking down a street in an affluent neighborhood on a sunday when we saw this gentleman come out of his front door, lift the lid on his grill and flip a single steak. He then closed the lid and went back inside and closed his door.
Now I did not think much about it other than it was odd he was grilling in his front yard just outside his front door.
As we are walking I notice that my co-worker peels off, walks up to this man’s grill, lifts the lid, stupidly grabs the burning hot steak, hot potatoes it while slighty burning his hands, closes the lid on the grill, and walks on while cooling the steak and finally starting to eat it.
And I can just imagine the poor guy coming out to get his finished steak when the next commercial break hits, opens his door, flips open the grill lid and … nothing. Steak gone.
While I guilty admit this still makes me laugh it also taught me a few things. Truly no place and no one is safe and some people are able to break the social norms, mores, and expectations very easily. There is no way I would have even thought to do something like that let alone actually do it. And I am sure the man felt completely comfortable grilling his steak like that. I mean common what idiot is going to steal a man’s steak right off a grill like that? It just isn’t done!
As for your comment about not everyone falls for the cons, actually I think they do, for the most part, if you think about it. Everyone the psychopath targets does fall for it. Why? Because this is their “skill” and one they are very good at, almost instinctual. Much like a predator (wolf, lion, crocodile, etc) will find the most vulnerable one in the herd the psychopath does the same with the “herd” of people. They do not target people when they are at their best, they only target people when they are vulnerable. And we are all vulnerable at various times in our lives. The psychopath continues to hone this skill over time and get better and better at it unless something interferes with it (i.e. compulsive behaviors and such).
BloggerT,
I honestly wish you wouldn’t tell stories like that, they are DANGEROUS, I almost fell off my chair laughing, had trouble breathing, and almost CHOKED! LOL ROTFLMAO Whew! That was a good one! LOL
I can only imagine that poor man’s thoughts when he came back out to get his steak!
Yes, people do do that sort of thing. My son, when we lived in Florida was mowing and edging the front lawn, and when he went into the house to get a drink of water, someone stole the power edger right out of the front yard! He was only in the house about 90 seconds. LOL At the time it, of course, wasn’t in the least funny! Another time I had a truck load of plastic 55 gallon barrels and stopped into wal mart in our small town to run in for just a second and someone stole one of the barrels out of the back of my truck!
I think I agree with you though, about just about everyone falling for a con (at least once in their lives) the Ps are SO VERY GOOD at picking a victim. Sometimes they will “shoot blindly” with the “shot gun” approach and find a victim—look at the people who have been pulled into internet scams, look at the Ps on the dating sites who “catch” people and rip them off. Even people who have been “ripped off” by an intenet scam artist will go back and try again to find “true love” on the internet. Sheesh! They keep justifying it by saying “well, I’m a good person so obviously there are some good people out there besides me.” It’s kind of like the lotto, yes, someone will win, but I am not going to bet my “rent money” on it that it is me! LOL