Most of the people who will be bad for us are not sociopaths, and so we want our radar to be sharp, not specifically for sociopaths, but for wrong, bad people of every stripe.
True, sociopaths will be terrible people with whom to enter relationships; in the end, though, they will represent a small fraction of a much greater majority of very wrong people for us.
As I suggested in a prior post, there are two keys to protecting ourselves from Mr. or Mrs. WRONG: The first is developing intelligent radar; the second is acting wisely on that radar.
After all, good radar, no less than good CIA intelligence, is useless if it’s ignored or devalued.
Now, are there cases of sociopaths (and the lot of devious personalities) so slick as to be undetectable until after they’ve wreaked their havoc? Of course there are; to suggest otherwise would insult anyone unlucky enough to have crossed paths with such destructive individuals.
Nevertheless, in most cases, the wrong person—sociopath or not—will and does leave clues much sooner than most of us want to admit (until much later).
WRONG, by the way, for whom? The answer, of course, is, YOU!
It is tempting and, at some point, I suggest, unfruitful to get stuck on the suspected psychopathology of a partner (present, or ex). Because when you get right down to it, there are only two diagnoses that really matter: Is this person, for me, RIGHT, and GOOD? Or WRONG, and BAD?
Only we can make this assessment, and it’s our responsibility, of course, to make it as soundly as possible. By soundly I mean being as honest with ourselves as possible, and keeping our best long-term interests uppermost in mind.
What, then, is the first—and, for that matter, second—telltale sign that someone is wrong, and really bad, for you, sociopath or not? (And speaking honestly, should we really need more than a sign or two?)
The answer is, ANY EXPRESSED BEHAVIOR or ATTITUDE that leaves you feeling disarmed or disoriented by its inappropriateness, selfishness and/or insensitivity.
Take great heed of such an experience, because almost always, it is a sign that more are sure to follow. In other words, preparing to bail at this point is a wise consideration.
Specifically, what behaviors and attitudes am I referring to? For starters, how about the first, surprising flash of rage, contempt, arrogance, selfishness, coldness, presumptuousness, dishonesty, indifference, ungratefulness, even denseness; shocking acts of abuse, verbal or physical; and startling failures of empathy, or compassion.
It is really less the behavior or attitude, per se, that screams ALARMING”¦prepare to BAIL!, than the experience of it as, “Where did that come from?”
I stress: It is our job, first, to register these signs; and then immediately to register them as alarmingly ominous.
The question is, Will you be willing to see what you’ve seen? Will you be willing to acknowledge the sobering portent of the display? Or instead, for any of a hundred conveniences, will you find ways to pretend you didn’t see it, and/or minimize the ramifications of what you’ve seen?
It is perfectly fine to ask, What, in a new relationship, should I be watchful for? What are the signs that my new interest may be someone different than advertised? I hope I’ve addressed these questions.
Then again, such questions tend, I think, to promote a view of the world as waiting to unleash upon us ruinous new bogeymen and predators, instead of encouraging us to examine what can be harder, but perhaps more honest, useful, retrospective questions, like, What did I miss? Why did I miss it? And if I registered it, why did I choose to ignore or minimize it?
Insight into, and resolution of, these latter questions can confer the best insurance against future exploitation.
In most (certainly not all) cases, it may be less important to be wary of the next nightmare disguised as Mr. or Mrs. SENSITIVE, than more careful of our always lurking capacity for defenses like denial, rationalization and minimization to blind us to what we don’t want to see, and do.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
“I am having to work very hard at staying out of the rescuer chair as well, it was what I was brought up with, to be either a victim or a rescuer, but I DON’T WANT TO PLAY ANYMORE. I want out of the game.
I am still willing to “help” but NOT rescue. And there is a “fiine line” that we have to walk between help/rescue, and between support/enabling. I’m still learning but I’m making progress. I think it is just like AA though, one day at a time.”
Oxdrover,
I’m dealing with the same problem. Your words could easily have been written by me, that’s how close the situation is.
Like you, I’m willing to help. Make that very, very willing. I try to help people to help themselves. Trouble is, I’m very slow to realize I’ve fallen into the trap of rescuing instead.
The Karpman Drama Triangle rings very true with me, because I’m forever leaping into the game at the rescuer corner. As you say, it’s just like AA. My favorite “player” is in the hospital right now. I visit her every day, and every day there’s a new gambit designed to bait me into rescuing. She’s got no idea what she’s doing, of course. She’s not evil, she’s just someone who’s played the drama game all her life. We’re related, or I imagine we’d avoid each other like the plague. As it is, I love her. I try to do right by her without getting involved in the game.
Like you, I want out of the game. There is a woman whose daughter is slowly becoming a friend of my daughter’s. I’m a bit nervous about this, because the mother is a habitual victim and a therapy addict. God help me, ’cause I really don’t want to get drawn in to her game. I’m going to have to be very firm with the boundaries if this friendship of my daughter’s is to work out.
Dear Elizabeth,
Read the book by Eric Berne, “Games People Play” if you haven’t read it recently. It is a very simplified book on the drama triangle and how we interact along the lines of “games” and he has some “funny names” for the various games that make them easy to remember.
I have played games I think my entire life, or lived it by a script (“Scripts people live” is another good book along this line, but a bit more complex to analyze your script).
Being retired and out of the work-a-day world where you have to interact with so many different people has helped me a great deal by letting me get AWAY from all but the most positive people in my life. I have “culled down” my list of friends and those that I interact with on anything but the most superfiscial level that I am by virtue of others to “play with” Game free for the time being as well as “P-free.”
My son C who has been living out of state for a year and a half and though we have been in contact by phone and a few visits is totally amazed at me—he keeps saying over and over, “Mom, you are a completely different person.” My son D that has been with me through all this too is also amazed at my “transformation.” It has been slow and painful, and mostly making changes in the way I react, and the way I see others and how they behave toward me, learning to set boundaries, and cull these people out of my life, if not completely, at least out of my circle of people I feel “responsible” for.
I also see some great changes in both of my sons as well. Very positive changes, and a great deal of knowledge gained about “dysfunctional people.” Son C is still somewhat hypervigilent but I think if I had been trying to hold the door shut against a 240 pound man with a gun in his hands I wouuld be more vigilent, even hypervigilent, than I am. At least though, since he has been home he has been coming down some from that as well, and he seems to feel much safer here. His old friend that he was living with in the other state had a really DYSfunctional relationship with his girl friend and moved her into the house with them, and son C didn’t want to tolerate the drama so he came home. I think he was looking for an “excuse” to come home anyway, but he immediately saw the “drama triangle” and what was going on and opted out of the “Play.” So he too is learning.
I think one of the places we do get hooked back in easily is in our attempts to “help” someone else who presents as a victim of either circumstances or of an abuser, when too many times, we are simply picking out a “chair” in the musical chair row of the TRIANGLE. The person sitting in the “victim” chair’s cry of “help me” sends us running to jump into the rescuer chair.
I am learning too, your so-good suggestion of DUCT TAPE YOUR MOUTH SHUT. LOL I do not volunteer any advice to anyone (outside of LF) and if someone asks, I try to give them the truth, but not enable or rescue.
Not being either scared or angry “all the time” is a great healer just in and of itself. When I do justifiably become angry, I try to keep that anger in check so that I can make a rational decison on how to handle it.
I realize that most people who “play the games” are not evil, just unaware that there is a better way to live life. I do not think I am evil, though I have surely played my share of “games” but I am actively trying to learn to live “game free” as well as P-free. The Ps play HARD BALL and KEEPERS (like in marbles) and I sure don’t want to play those dangerous games so might as well stop playing them all.
Elizabeth, Oxy, Duped, James and all!
Perhaps the woman in question is not a bad person but a person with very poor boundaries.
We all have been there, wanting love so badly. When we are in that space, it is very easy to cast the “love” spell on us. We stop paying attention to the character of the suitor’s words because they said they luuuuuuvvvvvvvvv us. It’s as if we flip a switch inside… “That’s enough for me! I’m in!”
Ask yourself, would this story sound good on paper to a stranger? Why would a guy be stating that he has thought about killing his ailing wife? Does that sound good on paper? Why would a woman consider being with a man that stated he had thought of killing his ailing wife so that he could be with her? Does that sound good on paper?
Perhaps that woman isn’t a bad person but she definately has boundary issues and needs love so bad that she is willing to gloss over a very serious and disturbing character defect in a man because he said he loves her.
Now whom does that remind us of?
Write your name here:______________________________
Aloha
P.S. I already wrote my name in that blank for anyone who is wondering.
MMMMMMmmmmm mmm MMMM MMMMmmm mmmmmm :)~
Dear Aloha,
GOOD POINT, but I think the operative word was not LUV she wanted but HIS MONEY. (or what she perceived as “money”)
Big difference there I would think.
Yes, she definitely had BOUNDARY issues, but at the same time, what is the “prize”—I guess what I am saying is that I would be more willing to “overlook” someone who would do anything for LUV, but not someone who would do anything for MONEY. Maybe I should rethink my own “judgments.”
A very good point and a good point for thinking and pondering upon. Thanks for sharing!
could it be so simple as the old saying…..”look before you leap?”
Dear Kathiwithak,
Welcome, and yep, it could be that simple, but most of the time we didn’t.
Too soon old, too late smart, but we are getting there.
yes we are! thank god!!
or thank your higher power…….
Hmmm…a couple of you wrote earlier about your ex S never complimenting you. Upon Reflection, mine never did either. Even though I remember that he “adored” me those first few months, its just really that he clung to me, wanted to be with me all the time, and talked about how much he loved me. It was all about him – he was being a parasite. I remember we were at a wedding, two months into our relationship, and he looked at me and said “you look beautiful.” And it touched me so much…and I remember it fondly, and I think its because its the only time he ever did. And it was a situation where it really was impossible not to compliment someone – I was all dolled up, nice shoes, beautiful dress, perfect make up, great jewelry…yada yada yada…..like I said it would have been really hard not to compliment anyone who clearly was making an effort to look their best.
So what is with the “no compliments?” How does it serve them to never compliment us? Keep us down, keep us in our place, keep our self-esteem low. I remember commenting on it to him…that I complimented him all the time and he never complimented me. I don’t remember his response. As was typical, it probably was some slippery something that was totally off point, but somehow averted my attention.