Most of the people who will be bad for us are not sociopaths, and so we want our radar to be sharp, not specifically for sociopaths, but for wrong, bad people of every stripe.
True, sociopaths will be terrible people with whom to enter relationships; in the end, though, they will represent a small fraction of a much greater majority of very wrong people for us.
As I suggested in a prior post, there are two keys to protecting ourselves from Mr. or Mrs. WRONG: The first is developing intelligent radar; the second is acting wisely on that radar.
After all, good radar, no less than good CIA intelligence, is useless if it’s ignored or devalued.
Now, are there cases of sociopaths (and the lot of devious personalities) so slick as to be undetectable until after they’ve wreaked their havoc? Of course there are; to suggest otherwise would insult anyone unlucky enough to have crossed paths with such destructive individuals.
Nevertheless, in most cases, the wrong person—sociopath or not—will and does leave clues much sooner than most of us want to admit (until much later).
WRONG, by the way, for whom? The answer, of course, is, YOU!
It is tempting and, at some point, I suggest, unfruitful to get stuck on the suspected psychopathology of a partner (present, or ex). Because when you get right down to it, there are only two diagnoses that really matter: Is this person, for me, RIGHT, and GOOD? Or WRONG, and BAD?
Only we can make this assessment, and it’s our responsibility, of course, to make it as soundly as possible. By soundly I mean being as honest with ourselves as possible, and keeping our best long-term interests uppermost in mind.
What, then, is the first—and, for that matter, second—telltale sign that someone is wrong, and really bad, for you, sociopath or not? (And speaking honestly, should we really need more than a sign or two?)
The answer is, ANY EXPRESSED BEHAVIOR or ATTITUDE that leaves you feeling disarmed or disoriented by its inappropriateness, selfishness and/or insensitivity.
Take great heed of such an experience, because almost always, it is a sign that more are sure to follow. In other words, preparing to bail at this point is a wise consideration.
Specifically, what behaviors and attitudes am I referring to? For starters, how about the first, surprising flash of rage, contempt, arrogance, selfishness, coldness, presumptuousness, dishonesty, indifference, ungratefulness, even denseness; shocking acts of abuse, verbal or physical; and startling failures of empathy, or compassion.
It is really less the behavior or attitude, per se, that screams ALARMING”¦prepare to BAIL!, than the experience of it as, “Where did that come from?”
I stress: It is our job, first, to register these signs; and then immediately to register them as alarmingly ominous.
The question is, Will you be willing to see what you’ve seen? Will you be willing to acknowledge the sobering portent of the display? Or instead, for any of a hundred conveniences, will you find ways to pretend you didn’t see it, and/or minimize the ramifications of what you’ve seen?
It is perfectly fine to ask, What, in a new relationship, should I be watchful for? What are the signs that my new interest may be someone different than advertised? I hope I’ve addressed these questions.
Then again, such questions tend, I think, to promote a view of the world as waiting to unleash upon us ruinous new bogeymen and predators, instead of encouraging us to examine what can be harder, but perhaps more honest, useful, retrospective questions, like, What did I miss? Why did I miss it? And if I registered it, why did I choose to ignore or minimize it?
Insight into, and resolution of, these latter questions can confer the best insurance against future exploitation.
In most (certainly not all) cases, it may be less important to be wary of the next nightmare disguised as Mr. or Mrs. SENSITIVE, than more careful of our always lurking capacity for defenses like denial, rationalization and minimization to blind us to what we don’t want to see, and do.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
We’ve worked in the same industry for nearly 10 years. I’d say we were acquaintances. He is hard working, determined, and a generous guy. I noticed he was a bit of a perfectionist and prone to snapping at work but as a Foreman, those are considered good characteristics to have. He always walked as if he had to be somewhere important.
He made light boxes for his church (the church he never attended while we were together, or since), pays friends mortgage payments when they’re stuck. He helped me out for three months before he asked me to move in with him. I’d never dated what I considered to be an “old fashioned” guy, or an alcoholic.
Looking back, I had lots of red flags on the way in: anger, alcohol, but he admitted he had to deal with these things.
The boundary issues were big, which I at the time, only recognized as things that made me “uncomfortable”…The way he talked about his ex – even in front of their daughter, or he would be overtly sexual in public places – now I know better.
I had fallen for the pity ploy, the ex is a “psycho” (he’s called her “PB” “PsychoBitch” for years. Apparently she thinks the initials stood for some other term of endearment.). I thought it would be okay to let him vent – silly me! I excused his drunken, angry, outbursts.
I actually stopped dating him twice because he humiliated me in front of a neighbour, reminiscing about his ex-lover, and ex-wife while loaded.
Somehow he knew that all I ever wanted was a fella to love me and a home to putter around in, and POOF! There he was recently split from his wife after 22 years, singing the “poor, hard done by, me” blues.
I didn’t think it was me. He tried though, later. “Do you think you’re normal?!” and was trying to use my childhood against me. “As a matter of fact, I am.” I said. “I’ve had issues that would’ve killed me if I hadn’t dealt with them. I’m just like everyone else.” He laughed.
I may have been THOROUGHLY confused but damn it all; I knew it wasn’t me. He just couldn’t convince me of that. And, Boy Howdy! That really pissed him off in the end.
Funny enough P and B are also both our first initials, and I now call him “PB” – PsychoB—-.
I talked with the ex-lover today. She was awful to me the night of the assault, but has since seen the light. He’s now dating her sister.
It was an interesting conversation. I left my phone numbers and told her to keep them for her sister. She might need them one day.
“God knows I had no one when it happened to me. I wouldn’t wish him on my worst enemy.”
I don’t think she fully understood how dangerous he might be.
Pb, I think the therapist telling you to remember the good times fondly is not getting it. That is EXACTLY why we feel raped by these people–because it was all a lie–there were no genuine good times. They were all based on lies and deception. If you start remember the good times, you will start to feel rage for how you were deceived.
In a normal break up, there is a honeymoon phase based on mutual feelings. But then something goes bad or someone’s feelings change. Then you can remember the good times for what they were. With a sociopath, you have to do the opposite. When you start focusing on the good times, you have to go back and remind yourself that he was lying or cheating during those “good” times. You have to remind yourself of this to stay out of denial. Otherwise you can forget he’s a sociopath and get sucked back in. I don’t think that therapist was giving great advice.
Stargazer, I think you have me confused with someone else…good advice all the same though!
Yep it was me with the therapist urging me to value the “good months” with ex S, and see those as a gift in my life. SG – you are absolutely right. It’s critical for me to stay out of denial, and to acknowledge that even when I thought he and I were madly in love, he was cheating on me. That helps me. The “remember the good times and cherish them” is garbage and dangerous and destructive.
It was all bad. And the beginning part, which feels so good, and like true love, just looks so sad to me now. I can’t feel happy when I think about it. And if I allow myself to start remembering those times fondly, the next step is naturally “Oh, he has some good in him…..he’s not all bad….could a S be that loving?” And then the dangerous next step in that sequence is “maybe I should call him just so say Hi”…..and then, we all know exactly what happens next.
Dear Healing heart, yes, I wrote earlier that I remember all the good feelings I had, and that I would cherish them too as being helpful in some way. I had a very funny experience last week: I was in my holidays in San Antonio Texas, got a large Margarita together with a huge Jetlag, et voilà , the EXACT FEELING of my first date was there again!!! Fog and lightness in the head, a slightly funny sensation in the stomach, a feeling of walking besides my own shoes, MINUS the devaluation that started during the second rendez-vous. In retrospect really ALL was bad, right from the beginning. It was poison, that lasted more than overcoming a jetlag/tippsiness. I wish a very peaceful Christmas to all my dear therapeuts out there at LF!
On the earlier posts about giving compliments. Mne was full of compliments at first. Later on, he was mostly full of insults and bulls***–lol. But even in the late stages when it was mostly all horrible stuff, if he wanted something he would turn on the compliments and charm. I could go from a stupid ugly b**** to a rocket scientist playboy bunny in the space of an hour. lol
Dr. Steve,
One of the most useful things my therapist had me do was make a list callled “And that was inexcusable”. It was, in fact, a list of everything I had minimized, denied, rationalized, overlooked, forgiven, “forgotten about”, etc. Even today, if I read over the list of 60 (I stopped there, was still on the totally outrageous stuff!) I wonder how in the world I denied, etc. all that!!! Yet, when she first had me start on the list, I remember having a hard time saying this or that was inexcusable! When I would read some things to her, her jaw would drop and she would say “HOLD ON….You do realize that one isn’t only inexcusable, it isn’t even NORMAL!…..you get that, don’t you?” Well….for awhile I obviously didn’t!!!!!LOL….but now I can see how she was amazed!
Molly: Just read your post. Yes, very similar experiences. That built in trust, I knew him 40 years ago. I couldn’t eat solids, was new to having to exist on an all liquid diet of low fiber liquid…wasn’t sure I would make it, lost 30 pounds and wasn’t fat before, doc said you can’t lose anymore. So we were vulnerable. When you think your life might end soon, and it SEEMS that an old love has resurfaced, suddenly successful and wanting you….well, it can be very alluring. Yes, like fate is alluring. And you had a recent horrible loss besides. So don’t be too hard on yourself, your GOOD qualities of believing the best of someone, trusting, etc were used against you, at a time when you were very vulnerable. The shame is HIS, NOT YOURS. Yes, you have the ability to protect yourself better in the future, and thank goodness for that…..but that does not change the fact that the SHAME BELONGS TO HIM, NOT YOU. (I’m lecturing both you AND me here! )
A complicating factor in my story is I DID do something wrong. He was married and convinced me it would HELP his marriage survive. I know it was wrong and dumb…..and I justified it in a 100 ways, and have since done everything I can think of to anonymously make amends to his wife, without crossing boundaries. My therapist says since I’m the only one who got hurt….the wife knows nothing about all his affairs….and I got hurt horribly, I need to forgive myself and move on.
Jen2008
I want to comment on your blog entry that said “I only think a small percentage of them are serieal killers and most of them do not commit murder.” I very much agree but they all start somewhere. I am an avid hunter and have an entire locked case full of guns. I also have a pistol for personal protection in the nightstand next to the bed(loaded) which has been there for years. its never a discussed subject and no one knows it is there. One night with my “s” living with me I thought someone was breaking into my home so I got the gun out and went to investigate. It was a false alarm but my “S” said I was “HOT” with a gun in my hand and she wouldnt stop discussing it. Months later when we were arguing out of the blue she says I dont know if you are gonna blow my head off or not with your gun. I didnt think anything of it. The next argument, it came up again. The little voice inside my head was like okay why is she talking about this gun . Months later another argument and it came up again! This time I voiced my opinion……I said “I think I am the one who should be afraid because “YOU” are the only one talking about the gun. At my first chance I removed any ammunition for all my weopens starting with the accesible pistol to where it was NOT accesible to her. Ill take my chances with not having protection if I ever needed it because I wont be killed because of my stupidity. they all start somwhere right?