Most of the people who will be bad for us are not sociopaths, and so we want our radar to be sharp, not specifically for sociopaths, but for wrong, bad people of every stripe.
True, sociopaths will be terrible people with whom to enter relationships; in the end, though, they will represent a small fraction of a much greater majority of very wrong people for us.
As I suggested in a prior post, there are two keys to protecting ourselves from Mr. or Mrs. WRONG: The first is developing intelligent radar; the second is acting wisely on that radar.
After all, good radar, no less than good CIA intelligence, is useless if it’s ignored or devalued.
Now, are there cases of sociopaths (and the lot of devious personalities) so slick as to be undetectable until after they’ve wreaked their havoc? Of course there are; to suggest otherwise would insult anyone unlucky enough to have crossed paths with such destructive individuals.
Nevertheless, in most cases, the wrong person—sociopath or not—will and does leave clues much sooner than most of us want to admit (until much later).
WRONG, by the way, for whom? The answer, of course, is, YOU!
It is tempting and, at some point, I suggest, unfruitful to get stuck on the suspected psychopathology of a partner (present, or ex). Because when you get right down to it, there are only two diagnoses that really matter: Is this person, for me, RIGHT, and GOOD? Or WRONG, and BAD?
Only we can make this assessment, and it’s our responsibility, of course, to make it as soundly as possible. By soundly I mean being as honest with ourselves as possible, and keeping our best long-term interests uppermost in mind.
What, then, is the first—and, for that matter, second—telltale sign that someone is wrong, and really bad, for you, sociopath or not? (And speaking honestly, should we really need more than a sign or two?)
The answer is, ANY EXPRESSED BEHAVIOR or ATTITUDE that leaves you feeling disarmed or disoriented by its inappropriateness, selfishness and/or insensitivity.
Take great heed of such an experience, because almost always, it is a sign that more are sure to follow. In other words, preparing to bail at this point is a wise consideration.
Specifically, what behaviors and attitudes am I referring to? For starters, how about the first, surprising flash of rage, contempt, arrogance, selfishness, coldness, presumptuousness, dishonesty, indifference, ungratefulness, even denseness; shocking acts of abuse, verbal or physical; and startling failures of empathy, or compassion.
It is really less the behavior or attitude, per se, that screams ALARMING”¦prepare to BAIL!, than the experience of it as, “Where did that come from?”
I stress: It is our job, first, to register these signs; and then immediately to register them as alarmingly ominous.
The question is, Will you be willing to see what you’ve seen? Will you be willing to acknowledge the sobering portent of the display? Or instead, for any of a hundred conveniences, will you find ways to pretend you didn’t see it, and/or minimize the ramifications of what you’ve seen?
It is perfectly fine to ask, What, in a new relationship, should I be watchful for? What are the signs that my new interest may be someone different than advertised? I hope I’ve addressed these questions.
Then again, such questions tend, I think, to promote a view of the world as waiting to unleash upon us ruinous new bogeymen and predators, instead of encouraging us to examine what can be harder, but perhaps more honest, useful, retrospective questions, like, What did I miss? Why did I miss it? And if I registered it, why did I choose to ignore or minimize it?
Insight into, and resolution of, these latter questions can confer the best insurance against future exploitation.
In most (certainly not all) cases, it may be less important to be wary of the next nightmare disguised as Mr. or Mrs. SENSITIVE, than more careful of our always lurking capacity for defenses like denial, rationalization and minimization to blind us to what we don’t want to see, and do.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Dr. Steve,
Once again you’ve hit the nail on the head. That is EXACTLY the tell tale sign to watch for! I ignored that WHAT?! feeling, that scared- in -the- pit of my stomach feeling! One example was when he left me an arrogantly obscene, almost threatening, rape-like phone message….with no “just kidding” at the end, no apology the next day, nothing! That was left after we had exchanged some emails, talked a few times on the phone, were planning to get together, but had not seen each other for 40 years! I somehow convinced myself it was just sexy, despite my inital reaction of being repulsed. I somehow talked myself out of my gut reaction….and even learned to like listening to the message (I’m ashamed to say, now. What was I thinking?!)Why did I do that? Because I thought I knew the “real” him, from back in high school. (The truth is, I did! But I didn’t realize until after I was with him again, and went into therapy, that what he did to me in high school was very disturbed, deliberately cruel, not your typical “dump”. Even though I cried for a year, I didn’t know that was not normal, nor that what he did was not normal. And I’m no dummy….I was valedictorian in a class of 600+) So simply, I was (as outlined in the book Betrayal Bond) so seduced by my unwaivering belief in the person, in our story (it seemed so romantic to be reconnecting after 40 years with my first love), in the mission (that we woudl be true emotional support and another strong love connection in each other’s lives), and the promise (that here was a rich, successful man, a doctor who would be there for me in any time of need). Plus I was unhappy, a bit depressed, burned out. So all in all, it would have taken A LOT of red flags to wake me up…..and sad to say, he provided them in SPADES!!!! I just rationalized each one. I SAW them and chose to explain them away….sometimes that was hard, and I struggled, but I did! My subconcious I think was protecting me, however. I got the urge to take self-defense courses and did so and told him about it. I made sure he knew that at least two girlfriends knew where I was meeting him and when. But I didn’t CONSCIOUSLY do those things to protect myself, but I think they were enormously important. Anyway, wish every high school would teach what you have posted here Dr. Steve. I think that is exactly right. The hard part is having enough self-confidence (for some) to trust your reacion and enough self-discipline to resist the “dream”.
PS And you are SO right about the real danger is our “denial, rationalization and minimization to blind us to what we don’t want to see, and do.” I think that is what bad people succeed with some, and not with others.
But again, to protect my self-esteem, I have to remind myself THEY are the problem, not me. The real danger with a mugger is that they mug…but nonetheless it is also true that the real danger is not knowing how to throw them to the ground and escape. With enough self-defense moves, you don’t have to be so afraid of muggers, or on guard, because you know you can “handle” them.
With bad people, it is almost a given that we WILL get attacked, so yes, knowing those important tools..of not giving into rationalization, denial, etc. …not getting seduced by a dream… are incredibly important.
At times I struggle with now looking at my own forgiving of a slight lapse in responsibility on the part of my husband as …WAIT…am I minimizing here? Am I so in love with him that I’m fooling myself? And I HATE that. He has EARNED my trust. But I think for the rest of my life, I will always be a bit on guard. But what you have written here is enormously helpful with that too, because I realize that nothing he does gives me that “WHAT?!!!” feeling. Thank you. This is a huge help.
Forgive me, one more PS. At the time I thought I didn’t have long to live, so that didn’t help! I wanted to grab all the joy I could….and instead I got a ton of misery.
So as I said, it would have taken a ton of red flags to stop me, and I have to admit now….THEY WERE THERE AND I SAW THEM. In a way, that is reassuring for any “next time” that happens.
So true. I wonder what the hell I was thinking. Like Elizabeth I am exremely easy going. I am very laid back and can take a lot. I also made a ton of excuses for bizarre, awful, odd behavior. I grew up surronded by STUFF in the extreme, my mother was a hoarder, even my every day was weird. I lived amongst teetering piles.
I am also very patient, but my behavior leave me open for repeated abuse. And I often asked why, over and over. Wondered WHY something happened, when it was a repeat bad behavior.
I think my psycho was shocked when I walked away forever- I mean I never even protested the abuse. Just one day my back broke, and I could take no more. Now I take my time making friends and have not made any new ones in 19 months since I went NO CONTACT with a few including psycho.
Being solitary for the most part is not bad, and a sure sign I am sane. All the insanity left when I removed myself from them.
I think what’s key- is a normal r/s is give and take. Whiners, users, abusers never give they just take.
I’ve been sitting back watching people blog and I wanted to remind everyone of the following just to ease some hearts and souls out there.
How God wants us to live:
8 Habits to Perfect Health is:
1. Trust in God
2. Temperance
3. Water
4. Sunlight
5. Air
6. Rest
7. Exercise
8. Nutrition
8 Mental Steps to Perfect Health is:
1. Clear Conscience
2. Happy Heart & Laughter
3. Gratitude & Praise
4. Power of Prayer & Claiming God’s Promises
5. Forgiveness
6. To Love Others
7. Helping the Needy
8. Sweet Words
Now where on this list did any of us go wrong? I don’t see a single thing that we did wrong!
Peace to everyone’s hearts and souls as you heal.
I defnitely saw early warning signs, and like Dr. Steve said, ignored them. Some of them I didn’t know what they meant, but still I knew on some level these were not “good things” I was seeing in my ex. As time went on, these signs became so blatant I would have had to be comotose to miss them, yet I made excuses and kept allowing myself to get dragged back into the relationship.
Like so many others have said about themselves on here, I, too, am laid back. I think being kind and forgiving and loving are good traits to have, but still it does not absolve my responsibility in the role I played in the relationship with my ex P. I don’t find it helpful, for me anyway, to sit around and think I did nothing “wrong” except being kind and loving and forgiving. Although I want to keep those traits, I also have found it very helpful to look at why I allowed myself to remain involved with someone who clearly was a “bad” person and who treated me in such a cruel manner. I think only by examining myself and my motives and working on myself will I ever be able to move forward to a place where I am less likely to get involved in or remain in this sort of situation again.
One reason I say this is because I have noticed that some people have wash and repeat cycles of these type relationships with other people. Yes, we were targeted, but the common denominator is ME, if I get involved again with another one of these people and STAY in the relationship for any length of time trying to make it “work”. So I feel like it is my responsibility to me to make sure I learn and change what I need to change in me, to help ensure I am not one of those wash and repeat people.
Christmass Gifts
I was thinking of what to get my P for Christmass!
He thinks he’s a Martial-arts and Boxing star! So may be some Dumb-chucks , hopefully he will Knock himself out with them ! LOVE JJ :)~
Jen2008, agree with what you are saying. But just remember, if there were no exploiters around, you’d be just fine as you are! We could all be laid back, kind, forgiving, loving …and no problems! As long as we are surrounded with other people who are laid back, kind, forgiving and loving. so the bad guys ARE the PROBLEM, not you.
But given that problem, bad people are out there, yes, you want to arm yourself with good self-defense boundaries and clear vision, so it can’t happen again.
I like to think of it just the same way I thought about learning physical self-defense. It sucks that I had to spend time and effort learning to protect myself….but it feels darn good to know that if a man attacks me in my sleep, he’s going to have a few surprises….even if he’s armed!
Same for any bad guys who attack me emotionally. I’m out of there, but not afraid to throw a verbal punch at them if they dare to stalk! I found a good way to get rid of bad guys is to start hounding them for money, if nothing else works.
justabouthealed: I took Tai Kwon Do due to recovering from a back injury. The spiritual lessons learned through this art is one of the most awesome gifts I ever experienced.
I highly recommend taking any form of martial art even if it’s to build on your self esteem. Advise the instructor what your priority is for learning their art, s/he will understand and instruct you appropriately.
Peace.
Like Southernman, I have re-equipped myself with a whole set of new boundaries and values about myself. I realise that before, when I was with the N, I gave the impression that I was assertive, but I undercut myself by having a ‘go with the flow’ type of mentality, very soft boundaries and some big red lines. I further realise that although I DID register the weirdness, it made no sense to me, and because of that, I put up with the unease of it. In a sense, although my radar was registering many blips, I failed to act on them, because they made no sense to me. Furthermore, it was like I devalued my own feelings.
In sharp contrast now, I am much more tuned into my feelings and have many more boundaries, of which I put into practice regularly. My internal sense of myself has changed and now my sense of self esteem is so much better. What I would say, is that, if a blip is registering on the radar screen, I dont have to wait to be torpedoed, before realising what hit.
Mysticmud and I met recently for a day out together and we spent an enjoyable day.