Most of the people who will be bad for us are not sociopaths, and so we want our radar to be sharp, not specifically for sociopaths, but for wrong, bad people of every stripe.
True, sociopaths will be terrible people with whom to enter relationships; in the end, though, they will represent a small fraction of a much greater majority of very wrong people for us.
As I suggested in a prior post, there are two keys to protecting ourselves from Mr. or Mrs. WRONG: The first is developing intelligent radar; the second is acting wisely on that radar.
After all, good radar, no less than good CIA intelligence, is useless if it’s ignored or devalued.
Now, are there cases of sociopaths (and the lot of devious personalities) so slick as to be undetectable until after they’ve wreaked their havoc? Of course there are; to suggest otherwise would insult anyone unlucky enough to have crossed paths with such destructive individuals.
Nevertheless, in most cases, the wrong person—sociopath or not—will and does leave clues much sooner than most of us want to admit (until much later).
WRONG, by the way, for whom? The answer, of course, is, YOU!
It is tempting and, at some point, I suggest, unfruitful to get stuck on the suspected psychopathology of a partner (present, or ex). Because when you get right down to it, there are only two diagnoses that really matter: Is this person, for me, RIGHT, and GOOD? Or WRONG, and BAD?
Only we can make this assessment, and it’s our responsibility, of course, to make it as soundly as possible. By soundly I mean being as honest with ourselves as possible, and keeping our best long-term interests uppermost in mind.
What, then, is the first—and, for that matter, second—telltale sign that someone is wrong, and really bad, for you, sociopath or not? (And speaking honestly, should we really need more than a sign or two?)
The answer is, ANY EXPRESSED BEHAVIOR or ATTITUDE that leaves you feeling disarmed or disoriented by its inappropriateness, selfishness and/or insensitivity.
Take great heed of such an experience, because almost always, it is a sign that more are sure to follow. In other words, preparing to bail at this point is a wise consideration.
Specifically, what behaviors and attitudes am I referring to? For starters, how about the first, surprising flash of rage, contempt, arrogance, selfishness, coldness, presumptuousness, dishonesty, indifference, ungratefulness, even denseness; shocking acts of abuse, verbal or physical; and startling failures of empathy, or compassion.
It is really less the behavior or attitude, per se, that screams ALARMING”¦prepare to BAIL!, than the experience of it as, “Where did that come from?”
I stress: It is our job, first, to register these signs; and then immediately to register them as alarmingly ominous.
The question is, Will you be willing to see what you’ve seen? Will you be willing to acknowledge the sobering portent of the display? Or instead, for any of a hundred conveniences, will you find ways to pretend you didn’t see it, and/or minimize the ramifications of what you’ve seen?
It is perfectly fine to ask, What, in a new relationship, should I be watchful for? What are the signs that my new interest may be someone different than advertised? I hope I’ve addressed these questions.
Then again, such questions tend, I think, to promote a view of the world as waiting to unleash upon us ruinous new bogeymen and predators, instead of encouraging us to examine what can be harder, but perhaps more honest, useful, retrospective questions, like, What did I miss? Why did I miss it? And if I registered it, why did I choose to ignore or minimize it?
Insight into, and resolution of, these latter questions can confer the best insurance against future exploitation.
In most (certainly not all) cases, it may be less important to be wary of the next nightmare disguised as Mr. or Mrs. SENSITIVE, than more careful of our always lurking capacity for defenses like denial, rationalization and minimization to blind us to what we don’t want to see, and do.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Justabouthealed:
I can relate to so much of what you wrote about it stemming from your childhood. I grew up feeling unloved and unlovable. My parents, who I couldn’t please no matter what I did, conditioned me to immediately discount any success I had, any award I won, as not being worth anything.
And I conditioned myself to feel absolutely worthless. Like you, I gravitated towards S/N/Ps because they were such masters at giving me the ego boost up front. Only, none of them ever got in as close as my S, who proceeded to wreak havoc in my life.
I’ve gotten to the point that I can acknowledge that I really ahve accomplished a lot in my life — even though I don’t really believe it inside. And I still panic at the thought of life without intimate love. But, after humiliating myself scrambling to please the unpleasable S, I’d rather be alone then ever go through that again.
Stargazer
Yes I too can understand this “feeling” of flattery and more so with people on the internet. So many times I have heard “you aren’t like other men on the internet” (in regards to reference to sexual nuance) or “it so easy to talk with you” and more. I too feel a little funny and suspicion. I have to tell myself to wait and see. Give them a chance for we all deserve a chance. I know that the mask will fall at sometime if it is there. In fact I seen it happen now twice when getting interested in someone. And it has left me feeling the same way it was with my ex S. Sad and empty. How the s and p’s in this world are really only cheating themselves and are only hurting themselves. I guess I need to understand and accept that I am a good person and that not all those that tell me this isn’t a toxic person wanting to make a meal out of me. I must keep telling myself there are good people out there who are just like you and me Stargazer. We mustn’t allow this belief to die we just can’t… But we must also protect ourselves against those that will use us and learn to walk away from anyone that would lie cheat or try too manipulate us in anyway. We need to give others a chance but we also need to look out for red flags. Sometimes it feels like to me walking down the middle of the street which is the most dangerous part of the road to travel. But if we don’t try to travel anywhere then we won’t get anywhere will we?
James,
And you’re talking to someone who would hitchhike up the coast or invite total strangers to my home without a care. Boy has this changed! I do believe that some people are good. I had a new massage client tonight whose goodness just oozes from her pores. She is from Colombia. Every person I’ve met from there is so open and loving. Maybe I’ll move there (my one boa constrictor is from there, after all). I heard boas grow on trees out there. Anyway, I really needed the reminder. But really I’m just not the same any more. I don’t think it could ever be the same. But I’m not totally closed to people. I just watch them more carefully. I will never blindly trust everyone again.
I’m coming in somewhat late to the topic, but on Sat. Dec. 20, several people commented on their therapists “not getting it” and HH stated that therapists aren’t taught about this area.
Steve, Dr. Leedom, Dr. Steve and all the survivors–this would make a Great topic–(or are there earlier Posts on this topic?).
The time and money wasted on therapists who are unable to discern what is going on and the additional damage done by professionals is heartbreaking. It’s such a shame.
Thanks.
Pearl,
You really nailed it! I felt so isolated after my s. Trying to find a therapist who understands the havoc you go through is next to impossible. While I was still married to the s., I tried desperately to make it work. We went to every counselor in my small town. He was so slick, he would have every one of them believing all the problems were my fault. I was at the point of screaming at all of them-“Are you just blind, stupid, or what!!??” After the break up, I knew I would never be able to go back to any of the therapists I had previously seen. It was a very lonely & difficult time for me, to need help so badly, & not have anywhere to get it. That was the time I when I planned my suicide. It was only the fact that my daughter came home for a surprise visit from school the weekend I was going to start my car in the garage & just go to sleep, that foiled my plan. She convinced me to go to church that weekend, she didn’t know of my “plan”, none of my kids did. I’ve been going to church every since. That was Mar. 15, 2006. The Bible has helped, & I’ve had only a few desperate moments, it would still have been a huge help to have someone who knew about s.’s to talk with. There seems to be only a handful of people who actually understand the depth of EVIL that all our ex s.’ are.
JAH
I told Him the same! The Puppy needs mom. He says Mom is getting tired of them! I said Duh! Let me Bite your nipples all day and see how long you can take It! :)~ LOVE JJ
Matt…you must be my long-lost brother. I think we had the same parents. LOL!
Couples therapy with an S is a nightmare! They usually charm the therapist – and you come in looking frazzled and crazy while the S looks calm, cool, and collected. More often than not, the Therapist thinks YOU are the crazy one.
There are many therapists who are great with dealing with trauma….and battered women, and abused partners in general. The problem is, that many of them don’t understand the emotional and psychological devastation that a relationship with a S causes. There are plenty of experienced clinicians who deal with trauma – but in my experience, there are few that “get” the absolute emotional devastation, and mind-f–k and soul-crushing, that comes out of a relationship with an S. I think that unless you have been through it, you really can’t understand. It’s unbelievable. It just can’t make sense to a rational human being who has a heart and a conscience.
I think its a great topic, Pearl. I wonder what the official docs and LCSW on this site would think about it.
I did get a good psychiatrist. I just didn’t listen to him.
I am a really caring, ethical person. My whole life has been devoted to nonprofit work, helping others…that has been my whole life. Lots of people have told me they admire more than anyone they’ve met (which makes me just feel more shame!) . This DumpsHer got me to abandon my lifelong values and beliefs, and convinced me I was doing good by doing so. He, on the other hand has done so many unethical things over the years, including seducing and sleeping with one of his wife’s bestfriends. I didn’t know all that to begin with. As the betrayal bond says, a lie with just the right spin can make us ignore the obvious and accept the highly improbable. But oh, how I wish my integrity has stood up to that. I was in a complete burn out from Katrina rescues, stepped down from my job, my marriage was off track….all sorts of excuses….
Anyway, though the psychiatrist was good, I only saw him once ….and then once again months later to tell him he was right…….and it took the therapist he referred me to, way too long to recognize I was in a very toxic relationship. She even bought the “story” about why it was fine for us to be together. So I feel she let me down a bit. She even encouraged me to see him again, and it was then that I got hooked in even worse, far worse. But when I completely fell apart, she then said he was toxic.
The next therapist knew that from the get go and further identified him as a sex addict, an extreme narcissist and probably a s/p, or somewhere on that continuum, but at that point, the label didn’t matter. What mattered was “What part of bad guy don’t you understand?”
Much like I said on the 21st:
When it comes to therapists there are even more aspects to it. One aspect is that many therapists are generalists, kind of like a family practioner doctor. If you want to see them about a specialized issue then you will want to find a therapist who specializes in the area. Much like your family doctor would be helpful with an illness but he would also have you see a specialist if you had a specific illness such as cancer.
Try to find a therapist that has experience with Cluster B personality disorders, a therapist that has experience working with clients who have been abused, exploited and manipulated by offenders no matter what the label of the person may be of the offender.
I know quite a few therapists who are very good and do understand BUT every experience is unique to every person so no one can truly 100% “understand” what another has gone through until that person tells them.