Most of the people who will be bad for us are not sociopaths, and so we want our radar to be sharp, not specifically for sociopaths, but for wrong, bad people of every stripe.
True, sociopaths will be terrible people with whom to enter relationships; in the end, though, they will represent a small fraction of a much greater majority of very wrong people for us.
As I suggested in a prior post, there are two keys to protecting ourselves from Mr. or Mrs. WRONG: The first is developing intelligent radar; the second is acting wisely on that radar.
After all, good radar, no less than good CIA intelligence, is useless if it’s ignored or devalued.
Now, are there cases of sociopaths (and the lot of devious personalities) so slick as to be undetectable until after they’ve wreaked their havoc? Of course there are; to suggest otherwise would insult anyone unlucky enough to have crossed paths with such destructive individuals.
Nevertheless, in most cases, the wrong person—sociopath or not—will and does leave clues much sooner than most of us want to admit (until much later).
WRONG, by the way, for whom? The answer, of course, is, YOU!
It is tempting and, at some point, I suggest, unfruitful to get stuck on the suspected psychopathology of a partner (present, or ex). Because when you get right down to it, there are only two diagnoses that really matter: Is this person, for me, RIGHT, and GOOD? Or WRONG, and BAD?
Only we can make this assessment, and it’s our responsibility, of course, to make it as soundly as possible. By soundly I mean being as honest with ourselves as possible, and keeping our best long-term interests uppermost in mind.
What, then, is the first—and, for that matter, second—telltale sign that someone is wrong, and really bad, for you, sociopath or not? (And speaking honestly, should we really need more than a sign or two?)
The answer is, ANY EXPRESSED BEHAVIOR or ATTITUDE that leaves you feeling disarmed or disoriented by its inappropriateness, selfishness and/or insensitivity.
Take great heed of such an experience, because almost always, it is a sign that more are sure to follow. In other words, preparing to bail at this point is a wise consideration.
Specifically, what behaviors and attitudes am I referring to? For starters, how about the first, surprising flash of rage, contempt, arrogance, selfishness, coldness, presumptuousness, dishonesty, indifference, ungratefulness, even denseness; shocking acts of abuse, verbal or physical; and startling failures of empathy, or compassion.
It is really less the behavior or attitude, per se, that screams ALARMING”¦prepare to BAIL!, than the experience of it as, “Where did that come from?”
I stress: It is our job, first, to register these signs; and then immediately to register them as alarmingly ominous.
The question is, Will you be willing to see what you’ve seen? Will you be willing to acknowledge the sobering portent of the display? Or instead, for any of a hundred conveniences, will you find ways to pretend you didn’t see it, and/or minimize the ramifications of what you’ve seen?
It is perfectly fine to ask, What, in a new relationship, should I be watchful for? What are the signs that my new interest may be someone different than advertised? I hope I’ve addressed these questions.
Then again, such questions tend, I think, to promote a view of the world as waiting to unleash upon us ruinous new bogeymen and predators, instead of encouraging us to examine what can be harder, but perhaps more honest, useful, retrospective questions, like, What did I miss? Why did I miss it? And if I registered it, why did I choose to ignore or minimize it?
Insight into, and resolution of, these latter questions can confer the best insurance against future exploitation.
In most (certainly not all) cases, it may be less important to be wary of the next nightmare disguised as Mr. or Mrs. SENSITIVE, than more careful of our always lurking capacity for defenses like denial, rationalization and minimization to blind us to what we don’t want to see, and do.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Accck I left out:
When working with a person who has been exploited, manipulated and abused I am more interested in what the offender has done or not done rather than what they are. And I say this because it is a unique process for each person. 2 people may experience the same traumatic event and respond/cope with it in very different ways. So again I am more interested in what was done/not done that in what they may be (to a point). Of course knowing what was done/not done is a pretty good indicator of what they are.
But I think this is also where Steve hit the nail on the head when he said It is tempting and, at some point, I suggest, unfruitful to get stuck on the suspected psychopathology of a partner (present, or ex). Because when you get right down to it, there are only two diagnoses that really matter: Is this person, for me, RIGHT, and GOOD? Or WRONG, and BAD? I could not agree more.
Blogger T, there are also therapists out there who are themselves sociopathic, preying on vulnerable patients who have been victimized already. Is there any way to be on the lookout for these? I once had a “therapist” who practiced under the guise of some sort of new age practitioner. She invited me to a Halloween party where I brought my then boyfriend. I found out later she’d tried to seduce him behind my back. I just don’t know if there’s a good way to know. I feel so mistrustful of therapists. Aside from the few who are ill-intended, there are those that are just clueless. How do you go about finding a good one?
Yes there is. Not only is there a some ways to help in selecting a good therapist but also how to evaluate your therapy as it is going. I am going to try to make a post tonight either here or send it to Donna or both about these very things.
Thanks, BloggerT, I appreciate your expertise. I think it would be hard for someone who has just been “raped” by a sociopath to avoid being targeted by a narcissistic or sociopathic therapist.
There is an online therapist (over the phone) associated with How to Spot A Dangerous Man. Her name is …oops…I see she is not listed anymore. But I imagine any of them are very good. They should GET IT about these P/S/N’s , being associated with that site. I was surprised at how effective phone therapy is (despite how messed up I probably still sound, the sessions did really help).
http://saferelationships.com/therapist-referral
The people I find that have the hardest time trying to locate a specialist are 1). women who have been sexually assaulted by other women (mothers, aunts, sisters, partners, strangers, etc) and 2) men who have been sexually assaulted by women (mothers, aunts, sisters, etc). It is incredibly sad because this often adds on even more to what they are already going through. So very few want to even consider topics like mother-daughter/mother-son sexual abuse and female offenders. It is much like the DV field was in the early 70’s with people just starting to acknowledge that this issue is much larger than was once thought. I just made a post on my blog about a new research article (2008) about this very thing http://whataboutwhenmomistheabuser.blogspot.com/2008/12/mother-daughter-sexual-abuse-ii.html
This is incredibly sad, and I have heard it is one of the hardest forms of abuse to overcome. If I ever see my way out of my own torment, I hope to offer counseling to abuse survivors (as I am one myself). In the meantime, I suppose we all do what we can here by sharing our stories and offering support.
StarG: It is in giving to your fellow man unselfishly that you find God’s virtues. That is why you feel so content!
You GOT IT!
Peace.
BloggerT: That’s why the educational system has to teach people how to step back and and give themselves more time … so they are able to few the bigger picture of any problem they encountered. This shooting from your hips attitude to get back at someone because they did you wrong … aka immediate gratification … is the two wrongs never make a right theory… which obviously doesn’t work and doesn’t make a person grow spiritually.
I feel it in my soul that this new administration will ensure the educational system in our country is changed … for the good of all. We are at the beginning of Spiritual Awakening in our world.
Peace.
Our educational system needs to teach critical thinking to students. Being intelligent is good but it is no good if no one teaches you how to use it properly.