Most of the people who will be bad for us are not sociopaths, and so we want our radar to be sharp, not specifically for sociopaths, but for wrong, bad people of every stripe.
True, sociopaths will be terrible people with whom to enter relationships; in the end, though, they will represent a small fraction of a much greater majority of very wrong people for us.
As I suggested in a prior post, there are two keys to protecting ourselves from Mr. or Mrs. WRONG: The first is developing intelligent radar; the second is acting wisely on that radar.
After all, good radar, no less than good CIA intelligence, is useless if it’s ignored or devalued.
Now, are there cases of sociopaths (and the lot of devious personalities) so slick as to be undetectable until after they’ve wreaked their havoc? Of course there are; to suggest otherwise would insult anyone unlucky enough to have crossed paths with such destructive individuals.
Nevertheless, in most cases, the wrong person—sociopath or not—will and does leave clues much sooner than most of us want to admit (until much later).
WRONG, by the way, for whom? The answer, of course, is, YOU!
It is tempting and, at some point, I suggest, unfruitful to get stuck on the suspected psychopathology of a partner (present, or ex). Because when you get right down to it, there are only two diagnoses that really matter: Is this person, for me, RIGHT, and GOOD? Or WRONG, and BAD?
Only we can make this assessment, and it’s our responsibility, of course, to make it as soundly as possible. By soundly I mean being as honest with ourselves as possible, and keeping our best long-term interests uppermost in mind.
What, then, is the first—and, for that matter, second—telltale sign that someone is wrong, and really bad, for you, sociopath or not? (And speaking honestly, should we really need more than a sign or two?)
The answer is, ANY EXPRESSED BEHAVIOR or ATTITUDE that leaves you feeling disarmed or disoriented by its inappropriateness, selfishness and/or insensitivity.
Take great heed of such an experience, because almost always, it is a sign that more are sure to follow. In other words, preparing to bail at this point is a wise consideration.
Specifically, what behaviors and attitudes am I referring to? For starters, how about the first, surprising flash of rage, contempt, arrogance, selfishness, coldness, presumptuousness, dishonesty, indifference, ungratefulness, even denseness; shocking acts of abuse, verbal or physical; and startling failures of empathy, or compassion.
It is really less the behavior or attitude, per se, that screams ALARMING”¦prepare to BAIL!, than the experience of it as, “Where did that come from?”
I stress: It is our job, first, to register these signs; and then immediately to register them as alarmingly ominous.
The question is, Will you be willing to see what you’ve seen? Will you be willing to acknowledge the sobering portent of the display? Or instead, for any of a hundred conveniences, will you find ways to pretend you didn’t see it, and/or minimize the ramifications of what you’ve seen?
It is perfectly fine to ask, What, in a new relationship, should I be watchful for? What are the signs that my new interest may be someone different than advertised? I hope I’ve addressed these questions.
Then again, such questions tend, I think, to promote a view of the world as waiting to unleash upon us ruinous new bogeymen and predators, instead of encouraging us to examine what can be harder, but perhaps more honest, useful, retrospective questions, like, What did I miss? Why did I miss it? And if I registered it, why did I choose to ignore or minimize it?
Insight into, and resolution of, these latter questions can confer the best insurance against future exploitation.
In most (certainly not all) cases, it may be less important to be wary of the next nightmare disguised as Mr. or Mrs. SENSITIVE, than more careful of our always lurking capacity for defenses like denial, rationalization and minimization to blind us to what we don’t want to see, and do.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Stargazer
Wini, you are so right about the ego (which we all have). It depends on whether we are a slave to it, or whether we just see it for the illusion that it is and live for a truer purpose (which wolf we want to feed). With a sociopath, the ego is all there is. When you scratch below the surface, there is nothing else there.
Wini
StarG: That’s because our EXs are so sad … for they are the spiritually stunted infants of the universe. Instead of everyone being so concerned about what they are doing with the next person after them … and then the next and then the next … what you got with them is what everyone else is getting … NOTHING BUT LIP SERVICE.
Too me, they are so sad. I wonder if any therapist are going to work with OJ … he seems to be the most pliable person to work with. The only thing … when he gets back into his humble self … what he’s done in his life is going to be so EXTREMELY overwhelming to him … then he’ll have to live with the knowledge for the rest of his life that he took the precious souls of two beautiful children of God’s!
Peace.
Stargazer
Wini,
You have the undying belief that sociopaths can be helped if only they would just try. I am not as optimistic as you, my friend. I don’t think any amount of therapy of spiritual teachings can help them. I think there is something fundamentally missing there. They have no ability to introspect. Because in order to introspect, you have to have a self. They don’t really have a sense of self. Their “self” is all about you and what they can get from you.
sstiles54
Mine was a staunch atheist. He was raised in a Baptist Church, his family stayed very involved in the church their lives. They weren’t Bible thumpers, & very strongly believed in God. My ex s. went so far as to start writing a book about there being no such thing as God. He was as sure of his “facts” as the sun shines at noon. He would ridicule or argue with anyone who made the mistake of discussing religion in his presence. In the end of the relationship, I suspect he was looking at porno sites, & I know for a fact he was checking out terrorist websites. When I told my sister & brother-in-laws about this stuff, it scared the sh*t out of them. They know the s.’s mental instabilities, & violence potential, & they were instrumental in helping me get my personal protection order in place. My brother-in-law was a state prison guard for years before he retired, so he knows about the evil sides of people. If he was scared, imagine how I felt. They are my ex.’s sister & her husband, & they have been so protective & supportive of me. I thank God they came to my rescue when the ex. walked out. They have no use for my ex., as does the rest of his family. I am blessed to have gotten to know them all better through my chaos. It’s like a gift to you from God, to have suffered so much, & been blessed with people like you all, & my extended family.
Wini
sstiles54: My second cousin is a doctor for the penal system as her husband and all their friends are prison guards. They can attest to the fact that these prisoners are all living in their big egos… and they make it a point of being loving and humble when they are away from work because they don’t want to take the superficial evil of the egos they deal with daily home with them.
For you EX to want to write a book against the love of God tells you just how much his ego got a hold of him.
Pray for him to make his way back to God’s love.
Peace.
Wini
StarG: What is missing is the exercising of their “HUMBLE” muscles. Hey, if you exercise the EGO … then that is what gets stronger. Exercise your humbleness and you will see how strong that grows. Exercise your faith and belief in God … and guess what happens … all your fears drift away … a new you starts … to be the best that you can be. Anything that comes in your life due to people living in the ego just makes you stronger … your belief and trust in God is stronger and you stand with God in peace and serenity.
Peace.
Stargazer
Do you think they even have those muscles? I think they can only fake them, sadly.
Wini
StarG: I don’t know how you do it, it must be your innocence … but, you still make me laugh … yes, they have those muscles … they just don’t use them… and like anything, if you don’t use, you loose!
Peace.
Stargazer
Wini, you just reminded me….mine was always telling me he was working out at the gym. Yet I didn’t see any muscles. But when the army lieutenant told me that the S said he had no feelings from the waist down and couldn’t get around very well (couldn’t drive, couldn’t walk w/o a cane, etc.), I didn’t hesitate to mention to him how my S was always calling me from his car on his way to the gym.
Stargazer
P.S. Wini, you are the only person I know who could call an ex-stripper “innocent.” (((hugs)))