Most of the people who will be bad for us are not sociopaths, and so we want our radar to be sharp, not specifically for sociopaths, but for wrong, bad people of every stripe.
True, sociopaths will be terrible people with whom to enter relationships; in the end, though, they will represent a small fraction of a much greater majority of very wrong people for us.
As I suggested in a prior post, there are two keys to protecting ourselves from Mr. or Mrs. WRONG: The first is developing intelligent radar; the second is acting wisely on that radar.
After all, good radar, no less than good CIA intelligence, is useless if it’s ignored or devalued.
Now, are there cases of sociopaths (and the lot of devious personalities) so slick as to be undetectable until after they’ve wreaked their havoc? Of course there are; to suggest otherwise would insult anyone unlucky enough to have crossed paths with such destructive individuals.
Nevertheless, in most cases, the wrong person—sociopath or not—will and does leave clues much sooner than most of us want to admit (until much later).
WRONG, by the way, for whom? The answer, of course, is, YOU!
It is tempting and, at some point, I suggest, unfruitful to get stuck on the suspected psychopathology of a partner (present, or ex). Because when you get right down to it, there are only two diagnoses that really matter: Is this person, for me, RIGHT, and GOOD? Or WRONG, and BAD?
Only we can make this assessment, and it’s our responsibility, of course, to make it as soundly as possible. By soundly I mean being as honest with ourselves as possible, and keeping our best long-term interests uppermost in mind.
What, then, is the first—and, for that matter, second—telltale sign that someone is wrong, and really bad, for you, sociopath or not? (And speaking honestly, should we really need more than a sign or two?)
The answer is, ANY EXPRESSED BEHAVIOR or ATTITUDE that leaves you feeling disarmed or disoriented by its inappropriateness, selfishness and/or insensitivity.
Take great heed of such an experience, because almost always, it is a sign that more are sure to follow. In other words, preparing to bail at this point is a wise consideration.
Specifically, what behaviors and attitudes am I referring to? For starters, how about the first, surprising flash of rage, contempt, arrogance, selfishness, coldness, presumptuousness, dishonesty, indifference, ungratefulness, even denseness; shocking acts of abuse, verbal or physical; and startling failures of empathy, or compassion.
It is really less the behavior or attitude, per se, that screams ALARMING”¦prepare to BAIL!, than the experience of it as, “Where did that come from?”
I stress: It is our job, first, to register these signs; and then immediately to register them as alarmingly ominous.
The question is, Will you be willing to see what you’ve seen? Will you be willing to acknowledge the sobering portent of the display? Or instead, for any of a hundred conveniences, will you find ways to pretend you didn’t see it, and/or minimize the ramifications of what you’ve seen?
It is perfectly fine to ask, What, in a new relationship, should I be watchful for? What are the signs that my new interest may be someone different than advertised? I hope I’ve addressed these questions.
Then again, such questions tend, I think, to promote a view of the world as waiting to unleash upon us ruinous new bogeymen and predators, instead of encouraging us to examine what can be harder, but perhaps more honest, useful, retrospective questions, like, What did I miss? Why did I miss it? And if I registered it, why did I choose to ignore or minimize it?
Insight into, and resolution of, these latter questions can confer the best insurance against future exploitation.
In most (certainly not all) cases, it may be less important to be wary of the next nightmare disguised as Mr. or Mrs. SENSITIVE, than more careful of our always lurking capacity for defenses like denial, rationalization and minimization to blind us to what we don’t want to see, and do.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
They have moved to a different state. I don’t know if they are still licensed here or if they ever were. It’s not a bad idea, though.
I have to say, I have gotten great benefit from craniosacral work and other forms of energy work. It has probably saved my life. But these people are not trained to deal with transference and the ups and downs of a relationship with a client working through abuse issues. In my case, my issues lean toward the borderline degree of abandonment. Very few therapists are equipped to deal with that.
You are welcome Green. I found that article interesting because it is not something you often hear when people talk about psychopaths.
Star – you said not trained to deal with transference and the ups and downs of a relationship with a client working through abuse issues. In my case, my issues lean toward the borderline degree of abandonment.
I find that many mental health professionals that I know are trained in some or all of those issues. Of course I am talking about licensed professionals (i.e. psychologists, counselors) rather than “therapists” who are only therapists in name only.
Oh well, it’s a moot point anyway, as I cannot afford ongoing therapy. This site will have to be my therapist for a while. That and the clothes I bought today for myself. I have found a few therapists who I thought were great, but they didn’t accept insurance and were extremely expensive.
BloggerT
See This Tree it is a part of this Forest which is a part of this Planet. Simplicity read Marcus Arelus (sp) What is it in it’s self !?
What does He do this Man You Seek?
He Kills Women! NO ! That is incidental ! He Covets!
How do we begin to Covet ? We Covet what we see every day!
I f you watched other people , Love and Live and enjoy life would you not want that too? BUT if you can’t hold on to it , keep it , know it , feel it ! Then it is unattainable and becomes a source of Pain , disgust, a weekness , exploitable , useable!
It’s simpler than we imagin, because a baby does it ! they did’nt learn it at Nuclear Physics 101. LOVE JJ
Wini said: “I wonder if any therapist are going to work with OJ ” he seems to be the most pliable person to work with… when he gets back into his humble self ” what he’s done in his life is going to be so EXTREMELY overwhelming to him ” then he’ll have to live with the knowledge for the rest of his life that he took the precious souls of two beautiful children of God’s!”
Wini, I think with 24/7 Bible study and with a thousand therapists helping OJ, he will still never lose a minutes sleep over Nichole or Ron Goldman. I also think if anything he is probably blaming Nichole because he is in jail right now because her death is the cause of him losing his memoribilla (?) and him having to go try to get it back.
I don’t know if psychologist would consider him a psychopath, but IMO he appears to be. Once the Goldman’s won rights to OJ’s book I read it and that only made me think even more that he is psychopathic.
Jen2008: Like any behavior, good or bad … it’s what you focus on that becomes your reality.
If you read my old post from the Spring … my bosses bad behavior was incredible. I kept thinking, it takes just as much time to do good as to do evil … so why do evil when you can do good (or positive versus negative) … it’s conditioning … or addiction to the way the person themselves conditioned themselves … top that off with their EGO binding this thought process and you’ve got a difficult time in undoing (or retraining) this person to think another way. Free will. That’s what free will is all about.
I could sit there for months and tell a person, no matter how fast or slow you drive pointing your car into that brick wall … you are still going to eventually hit that brick wall. It’s an absolute. Try and tell a person living in their ego … to avoid that brick wall … take another direction around the brick wall. Good luck!
If I thought there was as much chance as even a snowball in hell that a sociopath could ever change his ways, I’d probably still be communicating with mine. Once I realized what mine was, I figured there is no way to deal with someone like that except to get away. I am really of the belief that nothing helps these people. They are a waste of carbon and a waste of the air they breathe. They are a waste of our prayers and thoughts. The great irony is that we, as empathic people, could not ethically just put them to death (as they probably deserve). We would always be second-guessing ourselves. Did we do the right thing? Was he really a sociopath? This is why so few on this planet cause damage to so many.
I don’t think they can change, either. One of the things I appreciated about my ex S was that he recognized (some) of his behaviors as dysfunctional, and did try to work on them. He did go to AA and NA and got sober years ago. He has been in therapy for years – and in an out of meditation groups and bible studies. He is the most treatment and God-seeking S I have ever heard of. However, he does all these things so that HE can feel better. He has never, ever, mentioned, seeking any treatment in order to be a better person, partner, father, brother, friend. And although he recognizes that some of his behaviors are dysfunctional, he always does have reasons (stress, childhood abuse, misunderstanding).
I really don’t think these guys are capable of change. I think we should absolutely hold them accountable for what they do, and we need to stay the hell away from them – but I also think that they can’t help themselves.
I think it is a lot harder for them to hold back from having a extramarital sex than it is for us.
I know these guys cannot change. My ex S has had every treatment, support group, bible study, meditation study, he’s even taught CCD, he’s taken medication. And NOTHING. He’s gotten worse.
HH, I wonder why your ex did all those things to try to change. I wonder if was just because it was expected of him? I’m under the impression that sociopaths do not feel real emotional pain for themselves or for others and so would have no motivation to seek therapy, except as another venue to play their games. Makes you wonder if it’s really a continuum and if some sociopaths can have a small degree of introspection.
I think he even went into rehab for sex addiction, too.
But he did all of this so that HE could feel better, not so that he could be a better person. He never mentioned anyone, including his children, in talking about his recovery.
I think Sociopaths do have a lot of feelings – their own feelings. They are capable of feeling sadness, frustration, jealousy, anger. They just don’t care, at all, about the feelings of others. Doesn’t even register. Oh and they don’t feel fear. That’s one of things that allows them to do all the repellant things that they do. And they don’t fear consequences.
In more thoughtful moments, my ex S would say he has felt “lost” and “empty” throughout his life. And, according to what I’ve read, this is how they feel.
I think my ex S was determined to feel better. But it was all about him. He did all this “spiritual” work, but never did anything to help others – no volunteering, no charity work, no giving to charity, everything he did in the name of spirituality was in the mission of making him feel better.
Its an interesting question, though SG, about degrees of introspection. I think my ex S had some. He knew he had dark sides and dark parts of himself. But he never took responsibility for them – said they were the result of abuse, neglect, trauma.