Most of the people who will be bad for us are not sociopaths, and so we want our radar to be sharp, not specifically for sociopaths, but for wrong, bad people of every stripe.
True, sociopaths will be terrible people with whom to enter relationships; in the end, though, they will represent a small fraction of a much greater majority of very wrong people for us.
As I suggested in a prior post, there are two keys to protecting ourselves from Mr. or Mrs. WRONG: The first is developing intelligent radar; the second is acting wisely on that radar.
After all, good radar, no less than good CIA intelligence, is useless if it’s ignored or devalued.
Now, are there cases of sociopaths (and the lot of devious personalities) so slick as to be undetectable until after they’ve wreaked their havoc? Of course there are; to suggest otherwise would insult anyone unlucky enough to have crossed paths with such destructive individuals.
Nevertheless, in most cases, the wrong person—sociopath or not—will and does leave clues much sooner than most of us want to admit (until much later).
WRONG, by the way, for whom? The answer, of course, is, YOU!
It is tempting and, at some point, I suggest, unfruitful to get stuck on the suspected psychopathology of a partner (present, or ex). Because when you get right down to it, there are only two diagnoses that really matter: Is this person, for me, RIGHT, and GOOD? Or WRONG, and BAD?
Only we can make this assessment, and it’s our responsibility, of course, to make it as soundly as possible. By soundly I mean being as honest with ourselves as possible, and keeping our best long-term interests uppermost in mind.
What, then, is the first—and, for that matter, second—telltale sign that someone is wrong, and really bad, for you, sociopath or not? (And speaking honestly, should we really need more than a sign or two?)
The answer is, ANY EXPRESSED BEHAVIOR or ATTITUDE that leaves you feeling disarmed or disoriented by its inappropriateness, selfishness and/or insensitivity.
Take great heed of such an experience, because almost always, it is a sign that more are sure to follow. In other words, preparing to bail at this point is a wise consideration.
Specifically, what behaviors and attitudes am I referring to? For starters, how about the first, surprising flash of rage, contempt, arrogance, selfishness, coldness, presumptuousness, dishonesty, indifference, ungratefulness, even denseness; shocking acts of abuse, verbal or physical; and startling failures of empathy, or compassion.
It is really less the behavior or attitude, per se, that screams ALARMING”¦prepare to BAIL!, than the experience of it as, “Where did that come from?”
I stress: It is our job, first, to register these signs; and then immediately to register them as alarmingly ominous.
The question is, Will you be willing to see what you’ve seen? Will you be willing to acknowledge the sobering portent of the display? Or instead, for any of a hundred conveniences, will you find ways to pretend you didn’t see it, and/or minimize the ramifications of what you’ve seen?
It is perfectly fine to ask, What, in a new relationship, should I be watchful for? What are the signs that my new interest may be someone different than advertised? I hope I’ve addressed these questions.
Then again, such questions tend, I think, to promote a view of the world as waiting to unleash upon us ruinous new bogeymen and predators, instead of encouraging us to examine what can be harder, but perhaps more honest, useful, retrospective questions, like, What did I miss? Why did I miss it? And if I registered it, why did I choose to ignore or minimize it?
Insight into, and resolution of, these latter questions can confer the best insurance against future exploitation.
In most (certainly not all) cases, it may be less important to be wary of the next nightmare disguised as Mr. or Mrs. SENSITIVE, than more careful of our always lurking capacity for defenses like denial, rationalization and minimization to blind us to what we don’t want to see, and do.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
I WISH my N hadn’t been such a moron regarding the computer. The man can barely manage to send an email. He sent me an email once which he had forwarded to himself five times first – LOL!…I’d have busted him far sooner if he could figure out how to turn the thing on – never mind online cheating (honestly? If he knew what havoc he could wreak – and get away with, he’d be all over the thing. I’m sure).
The computer was his absolute fave thing to argue about – almost daily. He’s a complete computer idiot. I would try to educate him and he’d end up yelling at me EVERY time. After months of this I simply refused to get involved. It became obvious that he didn’t actually want to know how to work the thing; he just loved to argue about it.
“You and the computer need to go to counselling. I will not be stuck in the middle anymore!”
healingheart – I would often ask my X why dont you get your own place and then you won’t have to answer to anybody and you can screw around all you want? To my knowledge he never lived alone – he was capable of it, he made good enuff money too afford his own place. Have you read much about borderline personality disorders? They have a tremendous fear of being alone and need that connectedness of belonging to someone even though they continue with the cheating and lying they need that (special someone) to come home too. And they have a huge fear of abandoment, and when they see they cant manipulate us anymore they sometimes abandon us first, like you cant fire me I quit! BPD fit’s my X too a T and helped me understand why he insisted on being with me when he was so obviously miserable. I offered him security and the feeling of being loved, not that he respected me one little bit, but read about borderlines and blended personality disorders like Cluster B’s – like Ox says it doesnt matter what we call them they are Toxic to us, but all the same it helped me answer lot’s of them whys and wtf’s?
HH Him being in your head constantly!! that will slowly fade – yeah my x has taken permanent space in my mind – but it is our way of processing what happened – I threatened to take the water hose and stick in my ear too wash him out of my mind 6 months ago – and 6 months ago I was begging for closure – it takes time to see that what we are dealing with is not something we can just get over – this was exploitation – we were victimized – emotionally raped – the pain subsides and the thoughts in our head are more about us – be patient with your self – lot’s of good thing’s are waiting on us
HH,
Once you realize beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is a sick person who is incapable of love, moving on becomes much easier. When I was in the obsessing phase, I would have all these imaginary conversations with the S and play out all these imaginary scenarios. In my mind, however, I always came to a dead end. I went around and around, and never could find a positive outcome for staying in contact with him. When I kept coming up against walls, I finally was able to let go. Except when I’m on this site, I rarely even think about him at all these days, and actually starting to feel like a human being again. I’m even thinking about dating again. This is what you have to look forward to, too. And that is NOT a lie.
Did you ever play “Crack the whip”? The game where you might be on rollerskates or ice skates and you’re at the end of a long line of people? A small motion at the front of the line can translate into a “whipcrack” of energy if you’re at the end, enough to snap your hold on the next person and spin you away.
The S/P is a master at knowing what to say or do and when to say or do it to get that maximum whipcrack response. “She’s the only one I’ve ever loved, but you’re my true friend.” “If you help me with this, we’ll be rich when my (ship) comes in.” “Authorities agree that a woman who won’t see her man through this kind of trouble is just a . . . ”
Notice how those sorts of words carry so much more power than they ought to. And they don’t have to have any relation at all to the truth. (Remember, he/she is likely a pathological liar.)
Perhaps this helps, when you’re rewinding and replaying those key scenes. They probably never actually MEANT those words, at least in the way that you are interpreting them. They just wanted the effect.
Guys – thank you so much for your comments. They make a lot of sense, and are really helpful. The way it was so unbelievable (horrible) what my ex did, it is so unbelievable (wonderful) how much you guys “get” exactly what I am going through – and say the most helpful things. The rest of the world looks at me with some disdain and says “why are you still talking about him? Why can’t you MOVE ON?” You guys are so helpful.
Yes, Borderline makes absolute sense for my ex S. He seems to have most of the symptoms of most of the Cluster B disorders – except the avoidant ones. He had major fears of abandonment. I think he had me, and his ex-wife, as his fulltime women (she was attached by children, I was attached by living with him). He seemed so angry at both of us for not readily going along with his plan (though she has stayed in always, maybe because of the kids).
He is a sick, sick, guy. I will never understand “why” he did what he did, except that he was sick. I would LOVE to take a water hose to my ear and wash him out! HA! But I guess then I would lose some of the learning process in all this.
The recent round of discovery around the cheating feels like a setback and a stepforward. I now know for certain, that there was never any true “love” in the relationship. There was never even a honeymoon period. He was lying, scheming, and cheating, in unbelievable ways from the start. When I thought we were falling in love and committing on a new level (his intitiative), he was actually just securing me in his web, wrapping the sticky threads around me and trapping me more securely. So I feel appalled, hurt, and saddened by the recent discovery, but also more liberated. There was no love there. Never any loyalty, never any monogamy, never any kindness.
GODDAMN, people! These guys truly are monsters, aren’t they?
Thank you for your words, you guys are saving my life.
It is still , Frustrating to try to explain This to the average Person ! They will Look at You like You are the Crazy one! At LF they know better! Just Imagin how much time each of us has spent Learning & Loving & Teaching ourselves Here ? What that amount of time in a Theripists office would add up to in $$$$.$$ Thanks Everyone!
HH: As I dealt with the aftermath of the P, I was at such a vulnerable place that the rescue that showed up was so valuable.
The borderline. The raging, angry, lying, forgetful . . .
Oh, wait … (hand to forehead, a slight slump as I feign a faint”) the person who . . .
Hey, LF peoples, help me out here! When we are most vulnerable, someone will show up — most likely our worst fear, right?
(My core recognition: this is a person who will NEVER really care,”
We can help each other recognize these patterns, and strengthen each other so that — one “starfish” at a time” — we can make a difference.
Rune:
I’m a day late and a dollar short to your post of 6 January — actually I’m a lot of dollars short at this moment since I came home from vacation to a smoke damaged apartment. My drycleaners love me, along with the disaster cleaning company, etc.
Still — it could be worse. I could still have S in my life!!!
But, your point about the person who shows up if most likely our worst fear rang true to me.
Right after I drove S out of my life, I was so vulnerable and desperate for, I don’t know what. Maybe validation that I wasn’t the awful person S made me out to be.
Into my life came a friend of one of my siblings. Initially I thought he was a nice guy — seemed pretty genuine. However, to be frank, a lot of it was all about sex.
My ex-S, had been so withholding in the sex department for the last 8 months of our relationship. When he did put out, it he did so unenthusiastically. In retrospect, he gave just enough to keep me on the hook. In any case, I was both sexually starved and desperate to feel both sexual and attractived in the aftermath. And so came Bachelor #1 into my life.
Was the sex great? Absolutely. However, he was also self-absorbed, passive-aggressive, and made numerous comments which I viewed as intrusive and engaged in extremely controlling behavior. Within a matter of weeks he was history.
Was he a sociopath? Who knows? Who cares. All I know is that I started to see my worst fear appearing before my eyes. Steve got it right. It was his behavior that made me extremely uncomfortable. And that was enough for me to 86 him.
I mentioned elsewhere in LF, that my husband confessed, when caught drinking, that he had been drinking and hiding it from me for 38 years (I travel enough for work for this to have been possible.) The odd thing is, as disorienting as that was, it was STILL NOT the HURTFUL shock of the P’s treatment of me. Surely it is a problem, an addiction, that he is now going to address (and in fact is addressing, with great remorse as he realizes more and more that it did have an impact on me, but I had no idea what foe I was fighting against). But Steve, you nailed it. I did not have the “Where did that come from” feeling!!! Shock, yes. But I could make sense of it. I could see why he had lied to me. Everything made sense and he was genuinely remorseful. I got out my “Betrayal Bond” book that lists all the criteria someone must meet for staying in your life. He readily agreed to all, except we only separated for a week and that sucked. But all the rest he is abiding by and we’ve had our first session with a marriage counselor as well and he is optimistic for us. We are going again next week. Plus my husband is going for therapy and to meetings for alcoholics and to a psychiatrist for evaluation for depression and/or anxiety.
Anyway, it was interesting to compare a P’s betrayal and the confusion that goes with it, to a betrayal that the uninformed might think was worse, but though it rocked me, I was soon on my feet.
And for once, the idea of having no man didn’t scare me.