Most of the people who will be bad for us are not sociopaths, and so we want our radar to be sharp, not specifically for sociopaths, but for wrong, bad people of every stripe.
True, sociopaths will be terrible people with whom to enter relationships; in the end, though, they will represent a small fraction of a much greater majority of very wrong people for us.
As I suggested in a prior post, there are two keys to protecting ourselves from Mr. or Mrs. WRONG: The first is developing intelligent radar; the second is acting wisely on that radar.
After all, good radar, no less than good CIA intelligence, is useless if it’s ignored or devalued.
Now, are there cases of sociopaths (and the lot of devious personalities) so slick as to be undetectable until after they’ve wreaked their havoc? Of course there are; to suggest otherwise would insult anyone unlucky enough to have crossed paths with such destructive individuals.
Nevertheless, in most cases, the wrong person—sociopath or not—will and does leave clues much sooner than most of us want to admit (until much later).
WRONG, by the way, for whom? The answer, of course, is, YOU!
It is tempting and, at some point, I suggest, unfruitful to get stuck on the suspected psychopathology of a partner (present, or ex). Because when you get right down to it, there are only two diagnoses that really matter: Is this person, for me, RIGHT, and GOOD? Or WRONG, and BAD?
Only we can make this assessment, and it’s our responsibility, of course, to make it as soundly as possible. By soundly I mean being as honest with ourselves as possible, and keeping our best long-term interests uppermost in mind.
What, then, is the first—and, for that matter, second—telltale sign that someone is wrong, and really bad, for you, sociopath or not? (And speaking honestly, should we really need more than a sign or two?)
The answer is, ANY EXPRESSED BEHAVIOR or ATTITUDE that leaves you feeling disarmed or disoriented by its inappropriateness, selfishness and/or insensitivity.
Take great heed of such an experience, because almost always, it is a sign that more are sure to follow. In other words, preparing to bail at this point is a wise consideration.
Specifically, what behaviors and attitudes am I referring to? For starters, how about the first, surprising flash of rage, contempt, arrogance, selfishness, coldness, presumptuousness, dishonesty, indifference, ungratefulness, even denseness; shocking acts of abuse, verbal or physical; and startling failures of empathy, or compassion.
It is really less the behavior or attitude, per se, that screams ALARMING”¦prepare to BAIL!, than the experience of it as, “Where did that come from?”
I stress: It is our job, first, to register these signs; and then immediately to register them as alarmingly ominous.
The question is, Will you be willing to see what you’ve seen? Will you be willing to acknowledge the sobering portent of the display? Or instead, for any of a hundred conveniences, will you find ways to pretend you didn’t see it, and/or minimize the ramifications of what you’ve seen?
It is perfectly fine to ask, What, in a new relationship, should I be watchful for? What are the signs that my new interest may be someone different than advertised? I hope I’ve addressed these questions.
Then again, such questions tend, I think, to promote a view of the world as waiting to unleash upon us ruinous new bogeymen and predators, instead of encouraging us to examine what can be harder, but perhaps more honest, useful, retrospective questions, like, What did I miss? Why did I miss it? And if I registered it, why did I choose to ignore or minimize it?
Insight into, and resolution of, these latter questions can confer the best insurance against future exploitation.
In most (certainly not all) cases, it may be less important to be wary of the next nightmare disguised as Mr. or Mrs. SENSITIVE, than more careful of our always lurking capacity for defenses like denial, rationalization and minimization to blind us to what we don’t want to see, and do.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Elizabeth Conley:
“I find that when I give them resources to help themselves, they simply ignore those resources.”
Boy oh boy can I relate. When I was playing “Daddy to the World” anytime someone would say “I’m thinking of doing X” I would spring into action and research alternatives X, Y and Z. Then I would get totally frustrated when they wouldn’t do anything.
The S finally cured me of this compulsion. He would bemoan the fact that his father couldn’t get the records out of the nursing hom his mother was in. I would research the law and write the letters on his behalf and give them to the S. Nothing would get done. S had no legal identifcation because his ex didn’t pick up his wallet from the intake prison. So, I called in personal and political favors to get him set up.
And know what thanks I got? In our final conversation he blasted me for giving him manila folders with “legal solutions” which I expected him to follow through on. Imagine the nerve of me expecting S to get off his fat ass and do something for himself.
My new policy going forward is if somebody asks my advice I’m going to point blank ask them exactly what they’ve done to solve the problem. If, and only if, I see they have taken concrete steps to resolve the issue AND they ask for my help, will I offer to help them.
Holywatersalt:
“I think my psycho was shocked when I walked away forever- I mean I never even protested the abuse. Just one day my back broke, and I could take no more.”
When we had our final donnybrook I know my S was shocked when I fought back instead of continuing to tolerate his abuse and also refusing to cough up the 10 grand cash he had been working me over for weeks on end. I remember the stunned look on his face when he said “Are you aware that this is our first fight?” And I looked at him and said “Yeah. And it’s 14 months overdue.”
Jen 2008:
“One reason I say this is because I have noticed that some people have wash and repeat cycles of these type relationships with other people. Yes, we were targeted, but the common denominator is ME, if I get involved again with another one of these people and STAY in the relationship for any length of time trying to make it “work”. So I feel like it is my responsibility to me to make sure I learn and change what I need to change in me, to help ensure I am not one of those wash and repeat people.”
You’ve got my number here. I was conditioned by my parents to “never say die” coupled with “you’ll show them”. That mentality has led me to stay in situations far too long, when any sane person would have cut their loseses and run. So, I always ended up feeling used and abused.
No more. Someone once said the definition of insanity was to keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Well, after the S I’ve got concrete evidence that my old approach was a screaming failure. So, like you, I am gong to learn and change what I need to change in me to avoid becoming one of those wash and repeat people.
William James wrote………”The art of wisdom is the art of knowing what to overlook.”
Steve wrote about recognizing that first telltale sign……”The answer is, ANY EXPRESSED BEHAVIOR or ATTITUDE that leaves you feeling disarmed or disoriented by its inappropriateness, selfishness and/or insensitivity.
We have to learn when overlooking a behavior is wise and when overlooking it could be fatal both literally and figuratively.
As we go through life and gain experience, I think we each develop our own guidelines for identifying toxic behavior. Certain individuals might be toxic for some of us as individuals and not for others. We have all known someone we might get along with, and whom others do not like. They are not sociopaths, just imperfect people with personality differences that challenge our wisdom, our maturity, our patience, and our attitudes!
In terms of being hard on ourselves about not seeing what was there until it was too late, I think it is valuable to remember something I heard Ann Rule say in an interview.
Ann Rule volunteered to work manning a suicide hot line several nights a week. She talked about a very handsome articulate capable young man who also volunteered during the same time. The two of them were the only ones locked in the office while they manned the phones. At the time, Ann Rule thought she liked this young man, this kind and understanding volunteer. She had no idea that he would later become the subject of one of her books…”The Stranger Beside Me”. The handsome young man was Ted Bundy! Did you just have chills?
Ann Rule’s point is, we do not always have clues or telltale signs. These people are smart. They are masters of deceit. She said that psychopathy is her business. She studies it and writes about it professionally. She said she sat locked in a room with Ted Bundy sitting next to her for several weeks and she didn’t see anything to be alarmed about. So, Ann Rule reminds people, we shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves if we don’t see what is being so masterfully concealed. Sometimes, we don’t know and there is no way to know until after a major wrong is committed.
Thank you EyeoftheStorm for your post.
Peace.
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I am currently reading “How to Spot a Dangerous Man”. It is very eye opening. One of the types she talks about is the emotionally distant/unavailable man. A sign is that he has many jobs and hobbies and that you are #10 on his list. I lived with a man like that for 3 years. Up until I read the book, I always blamed myself for the way he treated me. It didn’t occur to me that this was a dangerous man. Sociopaths are not the only dangerous types. Some don’t seem like they would be dangerous (the parental seekers, for instance) but they are. I do think sociopaths are the most dangerous because they masquerade as something completely different than what they are. You don’t always see the signs until after you are hooked in. But if you are unfortunately enough to have that happen, get out as soon as you can.
Unfortunately, I think I’ve gone a little too far in the other direction with my radar a little too tuned in. For instance, every time a guy pays me a compliment now, I consider it as flattery and I start shutting down. I don’t think that’s necessarily good. Is anyone else experiencing that? How do you get past that? It’s natural for people to give each other a compliment once in awhile. It doesn’t mean that person is trying to get something out of us. Right?
Wini, you mention Tae Kwon Do, and your lists are great prescriptions for well-being.
I’ve been studying the spiritual aspects of the martial arts, and I found a group that promotes only the healing and spiritual side of Tai Chi. Check out http://www.taoist.org. I’d like to know what you think.
Stargazer:
I’m doing the same thing. I’m attributing it to once burned is twice shy.
I’ve finally forced myself to look at the context the compliment was made in. It boils down to “am I putting myself in a position where this person wants something from me either personally or professionally?” If the answer is no, take the compliment. Hell, we didn’t get any from our sociopaths. If yes, step back and listen and watch closely.
Also, I look at whether the compliment is reasonable or lavish. I got sucked in by my sociopath by lavish flattery. A real red flag for me.
When the uninitiated masses of us think of martial arts, we tend to think of hand strikes and kicking and white pajamas with different-colored belts. However the ancient traditions of martial arts are all about developing greater awareness and cultivating energy that can be used as energetic radar, and also used to heal ourselves and increase our well-being.
I have a friend who is a martial arts master. He admits that as a teen and young adult he studied under psychopathic teachers who did not embrace the spiritual values, but he learned in his life to take the more spiritual path.
Southernman,
I have experienced the same thing you have after leaving the phsyc 20 months ago. It seems my compassion for people has grown expotentialy. I am more patient, giving and understanding than ever before in my life. I thought it was just maybe getting older, but now that I think about it after reading your post, I thought well of course, he had robbed me of compassion for so many years that his lack of empathy almost seemed the norm. Now that I am on my own and back in life, My compassion has just come back to me, stronger than ever, as well as a true appreciation for each day and excitement for what the next day will bring.
I almost feel sorry for the psychos. How miserable it must be not know the difference between a good day and a great day, or never getting that “warm, fuzzy feeling”.
I have been coming to this site this whole time. In fact, if it wasn’t for this site, a may very well have gone on with my psycho ex just thinking it was me that was the problem, and not him. like he always told me. I used the name loserchooser, but I lost my password and re-registered. Anyway, I don’t write often, just unsually read, but I had to comment on this.
Heal-on everyone and have a great holiday!